By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"I'm at a strange point of my life, my spirit ignites,
I'm destined for heights, I'm so solid with the quest of the life,
I'm under pressure but the time is right,
For me to look inside of myself, the time passes by every night"
-"Take My Pain" by Cypress Hill

The Ashton Kutcher "mystery hit angle"...oof. Well, it sure gave clown Zack Ryder a lot of air time. I bet The Miz looks at Ryder and goes, "Man, I remember getting lap dances from an oily WWE writer just to appear on TV." It turns out the "hitman" was Alicia Fox. Waste of time? Sure. But like a kid who gets a D+ on a paper, I have to give the WWE writers a pat on the head for trying. They could have put Ashton in one spot and surrounded him by those wacky, zany WWE monkeys (this section takes five minutes to create). During the big reveal, I wished they had pulled a Tony Romo card.

-Ted DiBiase is getting better with his delivery (he's developing more of a sly sing-along voice as he urges people to bite the forbidden apple), but I wish they would have pulled the trigger with a promo on the BP oil spill. Many people are feeling raw hatred about BP and their actions. Why not have Ted and Virgil go there and defend BP? Laugh at birds covered in oil? Have Ted talk about how he could finance a recovery operation to clean up the entire gulf, but he'd rather spend it on himself? Mock common people who have been financially hit by the oil spill?

Instead, Ted talked to Bret Hart about "joining the dark side where we have cookies" blah blah blah until Vince McMahon shooed him away. I wonder what's going on in Virgil's head during bits like these. Probably like, "Man, can't wait to get back to playing Petsville." Why did Virgil have a pentagram on his t-shirt?

-It's still odd to me that former World champion Chris Jericho is hanging around NXT newbies and shooting for the United States championship. WWE had the gall to make the Jericho-Truth a non-title match and "if Jericho wins, that puts him in line for a title shot." I guess I'm just sticking up for Jericho. If only Jericho was three inches taller. I'm thinking that Raw should run an "R-Truth botch of the night" replay.

-Speaking about short dudes, whatta night for Evan Bourne. He got a nice shine in the main event spotlight. I like watching him because you're bound to see him crash into a wall at 100 miles per hour. It could have been the same ol' tag team main event match, but Bourne got his rub. Next week, he'll win a four-minute match with praise from Cole at the end. He's on his way. Evan Bourne vs. IC champion Kofi Kingston next week?

-It was nice to see Santino comedy back in the ring. Kozlov might have gotten the biggest response from the crowd in his career when he slammed William Regal. Suddenly, WWE just loves tag teams. Last year, the tag team division was JeriShow and two guys from accounting.

-Hello, Vince McMahon. Good to see ya back. When the main event picture loses its sizzle, out comes Vinnie Mac to tease us that he's gonna stab Bret Hart in the back. Good enough deal. I don't expect Bret Hart to do this G.M. role forever. Imagine if Vince McMahon ran for public office. His incredulous inauguration speech would be full of swear words and egomania. Then, he would get into his limo, which would explode. Stay tuned 'til next week. It would get a lot of people interested in politics if there's murder, cheating, bribing, and lying...featuring Mr. McMahon.

-First, WWE teased that next week's Raw will have Raw and Smackdown Superstars. Whoopee doo. Not really surprising anymore. Then, they announced it's going to be a Taboo Tuesday sort of deal. Maybe I can vote on Rampage Jackson losing to Santino, just to have something, anything to rub in the faces of those MMA fanboys.

-In the beginning of the year, WWE hyped there would be a ranking system in NXT. In the end, the guy who never won a match in NXT is getting the most publicity (Bryan Danielson). Add to the equation that many people stop caring about who wins NXT (your choices are Jennifer Hudson's bodyguard, William Regal, Jr., and Justin Bieber) and what you have is a ranking system that's kinda phooey. But, then, TNA topped this with their own "unique" ranking system.

-Imagine if you're listening to a co-worker talk to you. He's unbiased and seems like a nice guy. Then, for two minutes, he gets a snarl on his face and he starts ripping vegans, nerds, the Internet, short people, the independent leagues, and one wrestler he hates with a passion. Then he goes back to talking about his latest purchase from IKEA. That's Michael Cole nowadays. The Bryan-Cole-Miz feud is the best thing to come out of the NXT accident.

-I look into my crystal ball and I see...Bryan Danielson heading over to Smackdown to join the Straight Edge Society. C.M. Punk, who's now a gimp, and the angry vegan Bryan! Hate them because they are independent thinkers!

-They recapped Batista in full-on spit-mode auditioning for the Gears of War movie. Don't leave us, Batista!

-The evil Usos clan made their claim. Jimmy and Jay Usosbad look like they should be in a Double Dragon game. Apparently I'm supposed to care about them because they got fancy college education. So? The late Umaga did nothing but yell gibberish and butt slam people in the corner and I loved it. Plus they are the sons of Rikishi. So, is WWE going to bring back the stinkface? Man, a 2000 WWF event wasn't complete without The Worm, The Stinkface, and The People's Elbow.

The standout of the Usosterrible is Tamina. She looks like she could kick your ass. The Usoscrazy Triple Body Splash reminds me of the "Four Post Massacre" from the movie "Ready To Rumble" for some reason. And with WWE's love of bringing in "sons" and "daughters" of WWE legends, who's the next one coming down the pipe?

-In Smackdown news, there's not much happening. WWE had to call The Undertaker early ("Could you, um, wrestle before Summerslam? Thanks so much"), Drew McIntrye might be the WWE crashing star of 2010, and the C.M. Punk Hair Shaving angle might be one of the most annoying wrestling angles I've come across with. I get it that it is funny how they are dragging it out, but it feels to me like they are stretching this out because they can't think of anything else. It turns out that the Straight Edge savior is really vain about his looks. And instead of taking the opportunity of taking his character to a darker dimension with his crazy bald look, WWE decided it was best for C.M. Punk to wrestle in a black mask, turning one C.M. Punk into one Garry the Gimp.

-That's it for me. This Absurdity report was completed without the aid of alcohol, peyote, or huffing paint fumes. Thank you.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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