By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

So look who decided to become a psychotic serial killer again. It's wuvable Abyss! Awww. On Impact, they showed the horrific transformation from last week, as Mr. Blubberface himself, Abyss, put on his best pouty-face and decimated Anderson and Hardy. This week, Abyss says "they" are coming. Who they? Aliens? Body-snatchers? Communists? "They" can't be old ECW farts looking for a paycheck, can it?

Or maybe Abyss was referring to TNA being invaded by a NXT-like gang...but not the young dudes you see on WWE. No, "they" are the Florida retirees, and "they" are headed by none other than Betty White. White and her gang of relics are going to whip your ass with their walkers and canes. Because there ain't enough old people on Impact nowadays.

-It's cool that TNA has this "Reaction" camera shots, and its super sweet that we get to see some spiffy stuff like...Eric Young's shoes. It's the same old boring filler (Nash-Young blab on), but hey, we get a chance to see Eric Young's trendy shoes (maybe it will be the reason for Nash to turn on Young...again...like before...and the time before that...because of Young's shoes). As long as they're showing random things to interest viewers, how about some g-string honeys strutting around like they do on "Entourage" when they have boring content?

-It's nice to see TNA use Homicide to fight for his LAX brother Hernandez. How lovely that there was this angle where Homicide turned his back on Super Mex months ago (and the fact Homicide is a heel), but whatever. Hey look, there's a babe in a g-string walking by. Matt Morgan continues to impress. Does that mean he'll be relevant come this time next year? Who can say? They might have him team up with Abyss again. This man's DNA has been shot into space by some rich quacks. He deserves better.

-Ric Flair and A.J. Styles are in the shadows and talking in hushed tones. They're hoping for a "package" to arrive. Hmmm. Two opulent guys secretly talking about a package. Like you, my first thought was that they were talking about heroin. Will A.J. Styles get his package of Grade A heroin delivered to him? Will he shoot up while that TNA Reaction camera secretly films him? Can a drug habit be the reason why the phenomenal A.J. Styles is a comedic chump? Stay tuned.

-Kaz and Lethal give us a respite from poor storylines and serve up some X Division action. Ric Flair's head popping out on the screen freaked me out. Guess what? He's beating up Lethal's food-grubbing brother. Nice to see that much like Homicide, they use random chumps to advance storylines.

-Speaking of using random chumps to advance storylines, TNA did the "Fake Sting" act again. Yup. They did it. And by "they," I mean the aliens from Kurzuk who took over the booking staff. This Jarrett-Sting feud really does drive home the notion that TNA lives inside its own bubble. At this point, I'm so blase about this feud I'll like to see Jeff Jarrett get run over by a steamroller driven by Sting. Who should I root for? How the hell can I connect to this feud when there's nothing? Maybe these guys should get in the ring and duke it out...with their respective toys. A match plus a plug, TNA! Plus, neither of these guys would have to move!

-Now it's the time for Angle and Desmond Wolfe to give us a respite from poor storylines. They serve up some nice heavyweight action. Wolfe loses because of Chelesa. But, then again, Wolfe always loses. Why was this guy such a badass in ROH? He loses and he flips people off the British way. That's about it.

-The proper Douglas Williams tells that bloody chap Brian Kendrick that if he's not on the up and up, he's gonna get his lights knocked out. That bit with Williams and Kendrick was surreal. It was like Impact suddenly turned into a 1850s English play, with the very regal Williams and the spaced-out Kendrick playing the roles. Man, Kendrick could give Raven a run for the money in hypnotizing promos.

-Oh, look, A.J. is about to open his package of heroin. Wait, it's not heroin. It's his new action toy. And he's just so overjoyed by it. Screw wrestling on the show or even wanting a title shot, I have this plastic likeness of me and it's the most beautiful thing ever. Let's leave A.J. Styles now, folks, as he plays with his new love.

-If you wonder why people don't trust TNA to have a satisfying conclusion to this "they" mystery, keep in mind that they have such a high respect for fans that they created a "teaser mystery bit" with former World champion A.J. Styles...to plug a plastic toy. So steal your momma's money and get these toys now.

-Boy, I hope those ECW guys don't show up at my nephew's t-ball game tomorrow. They mean trouble. Just...showing up random, sitting for five minutes, and then leaving. Creepy. Are they planning another revolution? Why can't they stay the entire Impact? And who are "they?" And who is "them?" All of these questions!

-Abyss, who I can't explain why exactly is in the main event, beats the crap out of Anderson. They even do the same finish as last's week: Abyss chokeslammed Anderson through the table. I think they're running out of ideas for Impact's weekly "ZOMG that was a cool random moment."

That's it for me. The word is that after TNA finished up their Impact tapings and everybody went home, A.J. Styles was still in the back. And under a solitary light while making sound effects, Styles was still playing with his wrestling figure, pretending that he became Waorld champion again.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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