Absurdity of it All ABSURDITY OF IT ALL: LeBron James To Sign With...WWE, LeBron The Answer To All WWE "Mystery" Storylines
Jul 4, 2010 - 1:08:16 PM
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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch specialist
THE SPORTING NEWS
LEBRON JAMES SIGNS WITH WWE, SANITY QUESTIONED
-NBA superstar wants to become a sports-entertainer, people astounded
By Bill Ding The III
In one of the most bizarre, shocking and incredulous news events to happen, NBA free agent and all-around ruler of the universe LeBron James has decided to sign...with WWE. Yes, LeBron woke up this morning and thought to himself, "Boy, my life's calling is to be working with midgets." At a press conference in Akron, Ohio, Mr. James laid down why he decided to sign with Vince McMahon's company of steroid-infused Neanderthals:
LeBron James: I know a lot of you are questioning why I decided to do this. Well, let's face it: Unless I win seven NBA championships, I'm never going to be viewed as greater than Michael Jordan. And there might not even be NBA basketball in the future thanks to a potential NBA lockout looming.
What didn't Jordan do? Became a sports-entertainer. So I'm happy that I signed with Vince McMahon for one year. Maximum NBA contract for $19 million a year? I don't need that. WWE provides me an opportunity to get the LeBron James franchise more over. Then, if there's still NBA in a year's time, I'll come back and win ten NBA championships, haters. I can be a WWE champion and the MVP. At the end, I could be in two Hall of Fames. No NBA superstar has ever done that. Plus, Vince said he'll lend me his copy of Season 7 of Family Guy. So it's a no-brainer.
Well, folks. It's official. LeBron James is clinically insane. LBJ, what are you doing? Think of your legacy. You're making this sports reporter question whether or not there is a higher power. Confused by LeBron's psychotic move, I decided to gather people from the wrestling world, stick them in a room, and get their thoughts...
LeBron's Agent: I don't have a clue what James is doing. During these economic times when people are eating used food stamps, he decides he wants to make chump change while wearing spandex?
Raw head writer Brian Gewirtz: Have you watched our shows lately? Bought one of our PPVs? Brutal. Why, in fact - (at this moment Stephanie McMahon hits the slug with a blackjack).
Triple H: Sure, he's great and all, but let's not forget who has been carrying this company since the '90s. James is a nice supplement. I was on American Idol once. James can't compete with that.
Batista: You're going down, Jose Canseco! This Thursday, center field at the Batavia Muckdogs minor league baseball game! I'm going to win that victory hot dog!
Michael Cole: Darn! I was written in to be the mysterious Raw G.M. But they're going to give that role to LeBron. This was my time to shine!
The Miz: LeBron is from Cleveland, and The Miz is from Cleveland. So, um, that's makes us the same. Yep, we're on the same level (eyes nervously looking around). I'm not lying. James calls me all the time!
Sheamus: LeBron James is a great entertainer, just like the ones in WWE. What we are not fella, is that we are not w-wuh-wuh...hold on...w-wuh-w-wre-wrest-wrestlers.
Undertaker: Vince told me that LeBron put me in a vegetative state and that I'm going to have to carry him in a match come Survivor Series. I'm getting too old for this s---.
Randy Orton: I require...human blood...to survive. Husky Harris...feeding time...
Bryan Danielson: LeBron James, huh? I'll break him in half. I'm the most violent vegan in the world. I'll choke you out with a necktie, son.
Jay Lethal: Wooo! Wooo! Wooo!
Abyss: He's one of "they!"
Sting: He's one of "them!"
Jay Lethal: If I stop wooing, my push will end! Wooo wooo wooo!
Dixie Carter: LeBron's people said he wouldn't come here because of the name "TNA." Come on. TNA is a serious business...
TNA Writer #1: A.J. Styles is riding a pig around in circles saying he's a banana and going, "Ranna ranna!"
Dixie Carter: ...with serious objectives...
TNA Writer #2: The Beautiful People either have to lick each other or spray each other with mace for the Knockouts championship!
Dixie Carter: ...and people committed to bringing respectable entertainment.
TNA Writer #3: Abyss is stapling his thumb to the mat while on fire!
Jay Lethal: ...wooo...cough, cough...can't...wooo...no more...augh...(collapses)
Oh, what the heck. It's only for a year. Godspeed, Mr. James. On Batista-Canseco, I'll declare it a no-contest. Go Muckdogs!
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