By Shane McKinley, PWTorch specialist

"Envious because I will rebel against any oppressor
And this is known as self defense
I show no mercy, they claim that I'm the lunatic
But when the ---- gets thick, I'm the one you go and get"
-"Violent" by 2Pac

One of the many things that interests me about pro wrestling is that backstage news is always changing. Take TNA's recent case of desperation with the takeover of pretty much the entire company by the ECW Originals. During certain segments of the last Impact, it was like ECW Wrestling on TNN never left us.

But hey, let's not criticize TNA too much for the ECW invasion. Times are tough all over. This is how it probably went down backstage about a month ago:

Tommy Dreamer: Hey Ms. Carter. Your PPVs wouldn't draw flies if they were covered with poo. My buddies and I need a paycheck. Waddya say about an ECW-themed PPV? Plus, I need that elusive "closure" we wrestlers talk about.

Dixie Carter: What a great organic idea! Not at all like our "planned ideas." Who needs them? Things don't have to make sense; they just have to be fun!

And let's not forget about what happened at the beginning of the year:

-- A.J. Styles: I want you to know that I won't drop the ball in being the World Champion.
-- Ms. Carter: Yes...although...
(The door opens and in walks RVD)
-- RVD: Sup? (Does the R-V-D thumb pose)
-- Ms. Carter: Hello, new champion! Gimme that belt Styles! This guy is the new champ! (Starts bowing to RVD)
-- RVD: Sweet. I just came in looking for the can and now I'm World champion.
-- A.J. Styles: Well, okay. But next time, you better not give the World Heavyweight Title to the next guy who walks through the door! I mean it!
--The Great Khali: Ughamaba mama zamba! Mezswaglkm ceveme boom boom!
--Ms. Carter: Oooooh! You were in movies!

Question: Is it the TNA wrestlers's fault they're not over compared to a fella who's been under the WWE umbrella? Or is it TNA's fault for not getting these guys over?

There's a reason why people go crazy when Joe walks down that TNA ramp. It's because the next time they see Joe, he could be kidnapped by ninjas or dress up like a crazy Hawaiian hobo. Come on, Joe. Go up to WWE. They're totally not anorexic in their views...at all. Promise.

-The WWE Universe members are crying themselves to sleep about the prospect of the Nexus taking over. By comparison, the TNA product becomes a doormat for the arrival of the ECW Originals and the TNA audience largely rejoices.

Wait, what am I writing? The TNA product isn't going to be erased. Taz & Tenay are going to pump up TNA's "The Effin Show" Impact special like crazed dogs during the Hardcore Justice broadcast. You should thank TNA for bringing back ECW. Not like WWE, which brought back the fake version of ECW for many years. That wasn't the real ECW, which was a bastardized version. This is the real ECW. What's the difference? Um, we'll show blood! And there's going to be more extreme braining of wrestlers! All of you old ECW Philly fans who are still around, the real ECW is coming back!

-How could you not watch an Impact that has a main event that's titled after a Led Zeppelin song? "Stairway to Janice?" Is there going to be a staircase in the ring? Because you know a random ladder match just won't cut it anymore, there has to be a random staircase match. Maybe a match titled "Stairway to Ric Flair's Underoos."




-Best moment of the last Impact was Taz talking about the Hardcore Justice card: "Well uh, I dunno the actual card, per say. But it's going to be cool, ya hear me? Ya gotta buy the PPV to find out! Or I'll break ya face!" Apparently it's the "Last Stand" of ECW. Finality rarely works in wrestling. Sooner or later, those old acts have a way of reappearing again in some form.

-Why is Mick Foley the special guest ref for Dreamer vs. Raven? Taz says that it's because viewers don't know which side Foley is on. We say it's because if there's an unnecessary ingredient to add, TNA will dump the entire spice rack in the pot. It pays to answer the question because it hurts the enjoyment of the match. I don't think, "Hey, Foley is the only man for the job." I think, "Well, TNA is probably going to pull some crap here that I didn't really want and they didn't set up." I believe wrestling fans aren't in favor of swerves for the sake of swerves. I do like the idea of Abyss being Raven's pet monster, though.

-Maybe next month they could do an WCW-themed PPV, with the main event featuring Hogan, Sting, Jeff Jarrett, and Kevin Nash. Oh wait, they're already showing that crud on Impact. I don't mind Hogan & Co. having segments that immediately piggyback after a cool match (Motor City Machineguns vs. Beer Money). What I do mind is when Tenay excitedly exclaims, "Hey, fans! Kevin Nash is coming to the ring!"

Look, old established wrestling stars that have handrails installed in their showers and who are members of AARP sometimes draw more than a young guy doing triple back flips off a cage. But you know how wrestling companies address the questions wrestling fans have? Like, "Ummmmm Nexus are a bunch of Rookies that stink and they can't beat anybody?" WWE addressed the question calmly with Nexus looking powerful and Team WWE showing more cracks than a team of plumbers.

TNA doesn't even bother to address the questions I have about Kevin Nash & Co., namely, "Ummmmm why should I care about these clowns?" To my knowledge, they still haven't addressed the Kevin Nash Question - "The purpose of following a storyline featuring Kevin Nash is?" And they probably never will. He's Kevin Nash. He was in movies. He rubbed his nipples in "The Longest Yard" re-make and you laughed.

Did you think the Hogan backlash would come so soon?

That's it for me. Hey, fans who attend TNA's Hardcore Justice. Do TNA a favor. We know that you're basically seeing an ECW PPV, but don't chant "ECW" like insane monkeys. Don't get TNA in trouble with WWE lawyers. So chant, "TNA," instead. You know, the wrestling company that's sponsoring this PPV. It will save TNA time when they have to dub over those "ECW" chants on the DVD. And also, cheer loudly for Hogan. He was in movies.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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