By Shane McKinley, PWTorch specialist

I thought about doing a Night of Champions absurd review under the mock guise of JBL, but I didn't want to get duct-taped and thrown into traffic by that big Texan.

John Bradshaw Layfield: Hot damn! Some good-ol' fashioned harmless hazing.

So I asked him to chime in with his thoughts. You have to wonder what the longest reigning Smackdown champion with the longest reign of bah gawd awful matches thinks about Alberto Del Rio, The Miz, Undertaker, and...

JBL: My goodness, Michael Cole becoming a snark who dances in legwarmers and bangs the gong. What are you, a freak, Michael Cole? Soon you’ll start wearing a dress just like Tito, Cole! You make me sick!

-Tough Enough, Raw Diva Search, and now NXT Season 3. I have no doubt that somewhere in the future we’ll get another one of these vile embarrassments. It’s like Vince’s sick fetish to get rid of that 'rasslin crap and instead serve up horrible “American Idol” rip-offs. WWE isn’t even fooling around with NXT anymore. NXT might as well show a test pattern now. Instead, let’s pump up “Legendary,” which is so good that it’s already out on DVD. It was weird that when coldly shilling the PPV, Michael Cole stood up and banged a conveniently placed gong and said that "Legendary" was a piece of no-selling crap. Nah he didn’t. Lawler and Cole said that "Legendary" was better than sex, UFC 117, rainbows, and ice cream.

JBL: You know who should be a movie star? John Bradshaw Layfield hazing rookies. I’ll be like Sly Stallone, but younger, handsomer, and more virile.

-A typical WWE champion will have that “crazy” side of him. From Hulk Hogan to Shawn Michaels to Stone Cold, they’ve all shown that “with hell with the consequences” type of attitude that the common peasant can relate to (I guess Alberto Del Rio’s character is rubbing off on me). I can’t think off the top of my head of recent WWE champions who hear voices in their heads, though. They’re in warp drive with these feuds with Heck in a Cell rapidly approaching.

The two things we know about the mysterious Raw G.M.:

(1) He really has it in for the Hart Family.

(2) He apparently can type 120 words per minute.

Some people have suggested Triple H is the GM. Trips might be supreme ruler of awesomeness and destroyer of worlds, but I can’t swallow him banging away on a keyboard.

JBL: You know that Oliver Stone “Wall Street” flick coming out? I make a cameo where I clothesline Gordon Gecko off the Empire State building. It’s true. Go see it.

The GM might as well be Colehole himself. There’s already heel heat attached to the GM role with people detesting the angle. Cole’s “Celine Deon” joke with Tyson Kidd was so fake it made NXT real for a second.

JBL: They asked me to be the Raw General Manager, but I plan to be the supreme ruler of the Tea Party. We’re bringing America back, dammit!

-Let’s not kid ourselves: WWE’s “Tag Team Turmoil” that went down on PPV was a blunt screwjob that made the Hart Dynasty look like paper tigers in order to place the belts on Cody “Fatty Matty Hating” Rhodes and Drew “We’re Still Committed To His Push” McIntyre.

JBL: You know that whole “Shawn Michaels is my indentured servant” angle? It’s true.Ha ha!

-The things I now look forward to with Edge’s character: his interactions with Zack “The Tool” Ryder (take that, TNA’s upcoming “Shore” character) and him finally breaking that GM laptop. I don’t look forward to Edge’s matches anymore. He’s just killing time until he moves back to Smackdown.

-To me, Jericho's last night with WWE for a while was at the PPV when he was eliminated in about 80 seconds, then WWE had that long, loving shot of him walking to the back. But, ha ha, Jericho ain’t fired yet. No, Y2J is still here to do three things:

(1) Lose to John “Dramatic Camera Close-up To Face” Morrison

(2) Shill his DVD

(3) Lose to Randy Orton and possibly be put on the shelf to feed Orton's "loose cannon" character.

Jericho is darn near “burial proof,” but it’s extremely hard to imagine that after all of these losses we’re still going to see him come a month’s time. He’s truly the best in the world at what he does: losing. Love ya, Y2J, but nobody wants to see you lose all the time.

JBL: You know, Jericho lost custody of his children to me in a poker game back in 2007. True story. They do a good job of cleaning my house.

-Daniel Bryan reads books, comes out to opera music, and looks like he’s going to bust out laughing when a wrestlers yells at him in his face. Yup, he’s a nerd. Neither in WWE nor in TNA is there a nerd character. He stands out.

JBL: You know what books are good for? Beer coasters!

Meanwhile, NXT Season 2 winner Kaval is barely on TV, but he is getting lots of Team Lay-Cool exposure. Ugh.

-I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ll take a Taco Bell commercial over a bafflingly stupid Burger King commercial any time.

JBL: One time I got arrested for public drunkenness inside a Burger King with Barry Windham. True story. Don’t eat the worm, Jose!

-Let’s review WWE’s theme songs...

(1) R-Truth’s theme song: RVD’s clunky-metal rip-off that urges children to get loaded.

(2) Ted DiBiase’s theme song: Autotune disaster that mimics Ted’s stagnant career.

(3) Cody Rhodes: Apparently being dashing means you also lose your taste in music.

JBL: Not enough cow-mooing nowadays in songs.

The Teddy-Maryse-Secret Lover angle is bo-bo-bo-boring. Would you rather have an offensive angle or a boring angle? Would you rather have Abyss torture and brand people? Or would you rather have Teddy and Maryse pass notes to each other in class?

JBL: Ron Simmons, if you’re reading this, I swear man, I’ll have the money to you by next Friday.

Maryse’s secret lover (or hell, it could be Teddy’s, for all I know) should be a demented freak. We're looking at a real Macho Man- George “The Animal” Steele type of thing to follow. It might as well be Hornswoggle.




JBL: I still think there’s a family of leprechauns multiplying and copying under that ring.

-The Nexus angle for all intents and purposes is dead. There’s no doubt that Wade Barrett’s goons will split up soon and wrestle on Superstars. The question here is whether or not WWE decides to push Wade Barrett. Wade beating Cena at the PPV will be a huge step up for him, and it would be another reason for Cena to turn evil at the start of the next year (that’s what I keep believing anyways).

That’s it for me. Thanks for reading.

Ron Simmons: Where’s my money, man? I said, where’s my money!

JBL: Eep!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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