By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

WWE flew in Roddy Rotting Piper to slap the WWE Universe’s most controversial Superstar, John Cena. He has to respond at some point. No human being could realistically just sit there and take the abuse Cena has taken for years. A heel turn has been years in the making, and I’m getting the itch to see it happen, hoping that they push the envelope with it.

Of course, how far one could push Cena’s heel turn if Big Show and Mark Henry can’t even say the word “balls?” Yes, Big Show, that meanie-weanie Mark hit you in your no-no place.

Cena is going to get booed out of the stadium at WrestleMania. Cena would get booed out of Heaven. And WWE’s defense for this has always been, “Well, the fans can come here and make up their mind!” That’s reallllllly tiring to hear the 500th time. Before he turned heel, Hulk Hogan’s "Say your prayers and take your vitamins" shlock was getting him booed in WCW arenas. I believe it's about time for Cena to turn heel.

Heck, Cena was a talking point back in 2005, much like Tim Tebow is nowadays. When I saw the sign “If Cena Wins, We Riot,” I believed it. Now? Nobody says boo. We’ve grown immune to Cena. He kept piling up the wins and kept largely doing the same ol’ thing. The only thing marking the passage of time was the t-shirt color progression from Barney the Dinosaur to a John Deere tractor.




We live in the John Cena Era and, to many, John Cena represents the WWE beancounters, the ones who won’t take chances, the ones who rake in the cash, and the ones who turn a blind eye that people stop caring about Cena’s five moves of doom. People have become immune to it because, no matter what, Cena will continue being the same old Cena.

People are waiting for Cena to turn heel because it has the potential to be one of the biggest and loudest heel turns ever. Will Cena stop being a fruity pebble and get his heel on to vanquish The Rock? How else do you expect them to fill time until Mania for this Rock-Cena feud?! I mean, come on. Rock’s running out of backyards to shoot his promos from!

After the month of suck that was September, things are gaining steam. WWE remembered they have Wade Barrett on their payroll and figured, “Hey, people respond to a heel who speaks the king’s English.” WWE also remembered they have Daniel Bryan. They forgot they have tag team championship belts, but who cares about those? Dolph Ziggler? Well, he’s reminding me a lot of a certain someone…




How dare I compare a cocky show-off to... a cocky show-off. Next, I'll find out that HBK played a cheerleader in AWA. Tell me, Ziggy, do you do a lot of cocaine?

What’s weird to me is that WWE’s Hunico and TNA’s Mexican Americana keep dressing like '90s gangbangers. Like I look at them and I think of GTA San Andreas. Hunico should come out to Cypress Hill’s “Insane in the Membrane.” But, perhaps, based on what wrestling promoters tell us, maybe everyone of Hispanic origin wears bandanas and Dickies pants. Thanks for the education, wrestling.




The real oddity of the bunch is the championship scene. I believe there have been fewer heel/face turns in the entire WWE than the number of times the WWE Title has changed hands. Punk promised that the days of hot potato with the WWE Title are over. But, still no cardboard ice cream to eat. Wah.

What’s over? Alberto Del Rio. Not as “Boy, he’s really popular,” but more like, “Damn, his year is over." How can a guy who won the Royal Rumble and cashed in his briefcase become such an afterthought? People have stopped paying attention to his promos. And clearly the feud between Punk and Laurinaitis is getting more focus. Alberto’s character is really one-dimensional.

Can I get resolution to the Punk-Kevin Nash feud before the year is over? Punk represents the good of wrestling: ice cream bars, Macho Man shout-outs, Howard Finkel, etc. Nash represents the clear opposite of it.

Speaking of evil things, have you seen the Royal Rumble poster that has been released? It's too late now...




Avert thy eyes! The horror! Somebody start up a online petition to stop that poster dead in it's tracks. Hell, put, I dunno, Zack Ryder on the Rumble poster. #pimpmyarticlebro

- I played "WWE '12" over the weekend. It’s a fun wrestling game if you like not being able to make somebody tap, bust somebody open, or, heck, reverse moves. I think the game was designed by Trips and his liftin’ buddy Sheamus. “Boy, people will just love playing us in the Road to WrestleMania mode! Press X to try to win this match that’s specifically designed for you to lose! What fun!” It’s not better than Skyrim, Mr. JimmyWWEFan4Life4Ever.

The Miz has that thousand-yard stare going on. He’s killed Ron “The truth is that certain people in WWE get privileges for PPV main events” Killings and he’s crippled John Morrison. He’s targeting those who made his life difficult. Who’s next, JBL? Wait, he’s training to become the Dictator of Bermuda. What, him attacking Triple H? Ha ha ha ha. That’s a good one. You’re fired. Chris Benoit? He killed his family and killed himself. So, I guess that’s a no. Big Dick Johnson? Gone. Somebody from MTV? What, is this TNA? What about going after C.M. Punk? For jimmy’s sake, The Miz has a freakin' ranking of 90 in the video game!

- Leave it to WWE to follow up one of their better Raws with a goofy-ass holiday-themed Smackdown that pushed the boundaries of absurdity.

"Hey, we brought back Mick Foley! Remembered how lame he was? We'll make him even lamer than before Yahoo!" Quick, Foley, punch yourself in the head and bleed buckets before you lose all your street cred!

Did Alex Riley get scared of wrestling in front of the cameras or something?

Kane’s coming back. He’ll do his maniacal laugh, disembowel wrestlers, and make fans long for him to wear the mask again. Good times.

Brodus Clay is coming. Johnny Ace is a big supporter. “He’s fat! He’s huge! He kills people by sitting on them! Let’s push him to the moon!”

“Mr. Laurinaitis, Samoa Joe’s on Line 1.”

“What, you kidding me? (Pulls out phone). I just texted you your walking papers. Now somebody give me a skateboard and a ride to the skate park! Yeah!”

Sorry, Joe. Only if you had the assets of the One Man Gang would you be welcomed into WWE’s loving arms. Better start eating those cheeseburgers.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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