By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

You didn't see that coming.

How could you?

Everyone thought Brodus Clay was going to come quietly in, sneer a lot, and, ya know, basically be a boring heel guy.

But P.N. News, The Godfather, Flash Funk, and Mabel had a unholy four-some and out came...the Funk-a-sauraus.




When you were watching Brodus Clay dancing (imagine a big red firetruck trying to dance and you get the idea), you were probably wondering what the hell was going on.

Meanwhile, Mark Henry must have been having a big old belly-laugh. "Here kid, I'll give you a hand. A plastic hand! Bwahhahaha!"

It's way too-over-the-top stupid to think that this ... "thing" ... is a real, live, bona-fide smart booking decision. But, let's look at the positives (stay with me) of Brodus Clay getting funky.

(1) It got people to tweet "what dafuq is this"
(2) Flash Funk got referenced. Sweet.
(3) Ernest "The Cat" Miller supporters got teary.
(4) Apparently, Brodus Clay will only make money being the second coming of P.N. News. Man, that's what we needed.

I'm hoping that Big Johnny forced Brodus Clay to wear such a ridiculous get-up. Each Raw, poor Brodus has to dress up in outfits Lady Gaga would be embrassed to wear. Brodus complains, but Johnny informs him that people are tweeting more than ever. Johnny's actually (snicker) helping his career. This in turn gives people a chance to see Brodus tear off his loud singlet and get back to being real.

Or, how much ya wanna bet the kid just got handed a raw deal. Sure, it was an amusing gag. But, it won't be funny if they do it 20 times in a row. Which is what they'll do. Ha ha.

After all, it's not about winning matches or being a tough guy or having any sort of credibility. Your push comes from how many tweets you get. Like #BrodusClayIsTheBiggestClownInWrestling. Hey, have Brodus take a sheeet in the middle of the ring! Think of the tweets!

On the Conan O'Brien show, they're doing a bit with "January Jones." Janurary Jones and Brodus Clay. One's a character on a comedy show...and the other is January Jones. He only eat scones! He's January Jones!




The real problem is that a funny sight gag was the highlight of the night. Besides Jericho's segment, I don't think any segment hit home with me. Most of them were doing more harm than good. Raw seemed...careless.

Kane cuts promos about how much people hate their lives because they find themselves watching meandering Kane promos that they hate. Seriously, dude. You were the guy who had TWO masks. That's twice the evil. Then, you became Philosopher Kane, droning on and on, which made everyone frown. Monsters should not resemble Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory." What next, Kane tells viewers they can fix the hate by voting for Ron Paul? Sure, Kane. What you say is real. And, last week, you tried to "drag Zack Ryder to hell," which conviently resides under every WWE ring. Who knew? Maybe Rock can put a boot to Kane's big red monkey ass, too.

Jericho's putting out a great one-man show, but this is a type of show that can be put on three times. He's trolling everybody and having such a gleeful time. But, many fans aren't in the mood, nor have the patience to be trolled like this. Even if Jericho isn't saying much, his message is being received loud and clear.




I really think WWE should sell t-shirts celebrating Raws that resemble nuclear waste. Perhaps WWE shouldn't book Raw five minutes before the show starts? Bad shows happen. Hey, sometimes, a Jinder Mahal comes along, you mess him up, and you feel like you gotta re-build him. But, there's no excuse for a bad Raw where WWE didn't really seem to care about what was going on. Instead, they went after Twitter and got lazy.

How come a baby can see that Ricardo Rodriguez is a sympathetic character (the man with a childish haircut ands the whipping boy of Alberto Del Rio), but nobody in WWE sees it? When John Cena's not being dragged down to hell, he's the happiest, go-lucky trooper you ever meet. Yeah, that relates. "I almost went to hell last week, but I no-sell that thing. A guy wants to butcher me, but I feel like breaking out into a song!" And, Big Johnny, supposedly a finish guy, has been involved in two confusing finishes with C.M. Punk. So, you're getting the bad finishes out of the way and saving a good finish for the PPV, right? Right?!

But, hey, this Raw was valuable. We learned one thing tonight, folks. We learned how important it is to learn how to fix a flat. (Seriously, bro, Kane making a cameo on Zack's YouTube Show to take over? Oh yeah!)

That's it for me. Free your mind and your ass will follow, funksters!

Absurd Raw Verdict: A Funking Huge Pile Of Absurdity (NUKE)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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