By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

Absurd WWE

I don't blame Miz for ripping off Chris Jericho. He needs all the help he can get. When I see Miz speak, I see a rat clinging for survival as U.S.S. Awesome goes down. I don't hear the standard-and-apparently-the-only-thing-Miz-talks-about "I was in last year's WrestleMania event!" I hear "Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!" His character is way beyond boring and he's got backstage heat. Why heat? Let's just say Miz won't become the catcher for the Cleveland Indians.

Is it just me, or is the Raw's Elimination Chamber one of the "mehest" Elimination Chamber matches ... ever? With blue lights flashing in his eyes, Chris Jericho talked about he was up here, and all of the other five competitors were down here. Brothers, it really rang true. When Triple H said that he, HBK, and Undertaker were the last of a dying breed who would leave it all in the ring, did he make it seem like today's mamby pamby superstars were gutless sports-entertainers? Yup.

The only thing missing from this sad sack Elimination Chamber line-up is a Michael Cole match. Thankfully, I think that party has ended. Hopefully. Plus you might pay for the honor to see Natayla's new act. It's quite a gas.

Here's my predictions for the match: Kofi Kingston will do something amazing, Truth will dump a box of spiders in Miz's cage, and Punk will manage to have the Elimination Chamber drop on John Laurinaitis's foot, causing him to hop up and down and shake his fist. Oh, that little scamp.

The Triple H-Undertaker feud was great last year. It might be even better this time around. And, yeah, C.M. Punk vs. Chris Jericho at Mania will be painfully underplayed, but them the breaks.

I think I'm more interested in Trips-Taker's year-long return match because the two of them weren't bashing each other on Twitter year-long like a couple of schoolgirls. Nothing lamer than trading shots like "Ha ha, Kevin Nash broke your heart" and "Ha ha, you're bald." Nope, Taker's just been sitting in that room for a year, with newspaper clippings to remind him how much of a jerkward Trips really is. Damn Trips, Brodus Clay is not a "brand!" He's a real-life human being! *Sob*

I'm sorry, but as of right now concerning the Rock-Cena feud, stick a fork in me, I'm done, man. Cena's claims that Rock's gone Hollywood has little weight to me: Rock's being a mega-successful movie star. Cena's lucky to be sucking down fumes at a NASCAR event and feuding with...Kane? Oh my. Rock is super-talented and entertaining, while Cena has proudly been doing the same old shtick for five years running. I'm sure WWE will find some reason to change this sour mood come WrestleMania time, but, in a perfect world, they never would have had that Survivor Series tag team match happen.

In hindsight, Cena and Rock teaming up somewhat killed the allure of seeing Rock back in action for the first time in seven years. And, if you go over these guys's Twitter bombs lobbed at each other, they do look like a couple of douches. Cena's fighting to not embrace the hate, but he kissed Eve, and, just like the Good Book says, Eve was the cause of sin. It's all her fault.

Poor Zack Ryder got friend-zoned. First Princess Leia, and now Eve? Life just ain't fair. Eve sure picked the perfect time to break the news to Zack. "Gee, he's in near traction and he just saw Super Cena kiss me? Now's the right time, girl." Suddenly, Eve's the most interesting female character WWE has. I know, I know there's some niece of Bret Hart farting up a storm. (They didn't call him the "Excellence of Execution" for nothing.)

Has Teddy Long finally done the dirty with Askana, PG rating or not? I mean, come on, playa. Smackdown's a weird place right now, with veganism, butt bombs, and a young lass-grandpa love affair. Welcome back, Orton.

Absurd TNA

Hearing that Vince Russo has been ousted from TNA is like seeing a brick come loose from a castle: the whole thing isn't coming down. Vince Russo wasn't the #1 go-to guy through TNA these years. Hell, the main complaint about TNA is that there were too many cooks in the kitchen. And, also, there's Hulk Hogan's ludicrous claims competing against Kurt Angle drunk texts, the severe botched handling of Robert Roode's championship reign, the fact that the Impact Zone is deader than a graveyard no matter how much noise they pipe in, and the notion that every TNA PPV in 2012 just might BE IMMEDIATELY FORGETTABLE AND NOT REALLY WORTH THE MONEY. I know, that won't really happen, but c'mon, dude, they're 3-0 so far. TNA has got their own "streak" going on.

It's not to reign down on TNA's parade - I've been pleasantly surprised by TNA lately, despite their Star Wars whorin' and PPV main event borin' ways. Maybe I'm wrong and the firing of Vince Russo will mean TNA will take that next big step... and finally get to play bass in Metallica.




At least Jim Cornette is happy with the news, who said in a interview that he wants to outlive Vince Russo so that he can piss on Russo's grave.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

[Torch art credit Joe Borzotta (c) PWTorch.com]

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