By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Oh nice guys finish last
When you are the outcast
Don’t pay yourself on the back
You might break your spine”
-“Nice Guys Finish Last” by Green Day

(waits out applause)

(Begins to write...)

(Waits out some more. Gosh darn it, guys, I luv ya.)

Okay, everybody, let's get some things trending worldwide on Twitter. Hit me up on @shanetexascedt and let's bring boots to Twitter's ass, shove things sideways, marvel at my strudel, yadda yadda yadda.

Ready? On the count of 3...2...1...

"Shane! Shane! Shane!"

That's my favorite.

Ok, how about this one:

"Egg fried rice!"




Ah, I'm having way too much fun with Twitter. I know, I just didn't return to PWTorch to take up valuable space to amuse myself and to feed my own ego, but I am the people's champion, and the people, they love me and must hear my nonsensical Twitter musings.

Eve: “Men can't resist my nasally voice. You could only dream about coming over and playing Pokemon with me.” As my dear grandma once told me, there's nothing worse than a girl who tries to act like a lo-down dirty hoe but just ain't a lo-down dirty hoe.

WWE Downer Fact #428: Kelly Kelly gets paid handsomely to make sad duck faces and to have kayfabe posts on Facebook.

Chris Jericho saying that C.M. Punk should take him seriously...while wearing that gaudy lite-bright jacket...yeah, there's a disconnect. Jericho cares about his character’s motivations and story so much that the whole “end of the world” vignettes and promos he did…that was just a waste of your time. Tee hee. Sometimes there are things in wrestling that are better left unsaid. “I did Dancing with the Stars to help with my agility because one day I knew I would face a wannabe like you, Punk!”

I liken Chris Jericho right now to Van Halen's new record: It's a welcome treat from a heavy hitter, and you're interested in seeing them live, but the backstory is sorta sad and creaky, and you're wondering how long they're going to stick around this time.

Are wrestling promos nowadays a failure if something isn't trending or somebody isn't lit up like a Christmas tree? Thank goodness for Cena’s home run promo. He is a long way away from feuding with Kane, folks. This is the Cena I dig.

New WWE Movie: "WWE Superstar plays a cop..." Well, hold on, now, don't give up on this tired premise from WWE Studios. You see, Edge is a slacker cop. Watch him serve and protect citizens in his sandals and clothes he wore yesterday.

HBK returns! He returned last week, but he's re-returning next week cause...ratings ploy? No sir, go to WWE's website for an "exclusive story" on why HBK is coming back. That’s not a ploy, either.

Whenever that Metallica song plays for Undertaker, I imagine Hulk Hogan jamming with his war face on. It helps ease the pain from listening to late '90s Metallica.

People just don't care about Champion vs. Champion matches any more, right? I guess so. WWE had the stinky Laurinaitis-Long feud at ringside because Punk vs. Bryan was apparently going to be a big pile of donkey doo. Why are Punk vs. Bryan matches being wasted like this? I guess they're nothing special about them. ROH fans must have bad taste.




Sure, Punk vs. Bryan could be something special just by itself, but apparently WWE fans just don’t care for this sort of wrestling nonsense. For the Laurinaitis-Long feud…suppose they gave a feud and nobody cared. What am I writing? At least this gives Randy Orton something to do at Mania. Groovy.

Here’s a blast from the past :



Now trending on Twitter: Rock's very tiny whittle goosebumps because he’s so excited. He wanted to show you his strudel, but that damn PG rating got in the way.

Rock: “I will always love the WWE. She was good to me. We had fun. But, I'm not going to marry her or anything. I did all that I could with her and got all that I wanted. I got bored. Wanted to move on. I traded up. I've got this new girl. Called Hollywood. And bros, why would I ever give that up?”

In Rock’s limo heading towards the show:

“Okay, time to think up a new catchphrase that will create shockwaves across the Twitterverse. I got it! Cena, you're a... sweet & sour chicken!”

Sorry, Rock, but in the contest of "wrestlers vs. fans," wrestlers are going to win every time.

I mean, just take a look at this pic:




That’s not the sort of thing you do for any sort of wrestling value or because it contributes something. You’re throwing stuff up to keep the ratings from sinking further. That right, fans, it’s all your fault why crap like this shows up.

I’m kidding. Apparently, Blackface Billy Crystal watches Impact, because I’m sure he stole that bit from Sting.

Wrestlers bleed and suffer, fans complain and yawn. I'll take the team that doesn't automatically chant every catchphrase Rock mutters out. "Hey, Cena, you're a Whopper wigger with no set of working testicles!"

Is Rock going to take a breather during his Mania match to check his Twitter account?

"Hey, everybody, a moronic petty insult is trending worldwide! This is important! If this trends even further, we can cure diseases and improve the economy!"

Heck, I’ve just discovered Twitter (@shanetexascedt), but Rock took his love/obsession with Twitter a wee bit too far.

John Cena must be enjoying himself. You can even hear the "thug" in his voice these days. And, boy, I don't want Cena vs. Dwayne. I want the over-the-top Rock. I loved that last line by Cena: "Continue trending. Continue being the egoistical movie star. I’m going to kick your ass and it will be the best night of my life.” I can't remember where I was actively rooting for Cena now.

Rock on Raw had old jokes, his tired Twitter fascination, and too much of a ego. Rock was previously kicking Cena's ass because Cena had lame comebacks (a purple parasoil? C'mon), and Rock seemed like an ass-kicking wrestling god who didn't talk about movies and Hollywood.

Rock definitely threw up some airballs this week. And, I believe on purpose. His promo was nothing special, just regurgitating the same old crap that’s not making it on any DVD, period. He acted somewhat unsure of him. After all, that's his new job. Being an actor.

Meanwhile, Cena is the one with balls who's winning this verbal banter two weeks in a row. I’m feeling that this was planned, down to Rock jotting down the squibbles on his arm.

I'm off to see if "whopper wigger" is trending. It's not like my ego depends on things trending or anything.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

P.S. @shanetexascedt

We suggest these recent related articles...

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw: HBK To Crossbow Lesnar On Sunday, WWE Asks Paul Bearer's Ashes To Sell Mania, Punk & Triple H's Post-Mania Plans, Cash Cow Cena = Bieber?

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - State of WM29 Card: Rock & Cena To Sing About Buffalo Nipples To Get Heat, What Heyman Should Have Stipulated To Hunter, Punk To Relieve Himself In Urn To Get Heat

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw & TNA: Using The Recently-Dead For Storylines, Bully Ray King Of Da World, Swagger To Be Sold To N. Korea Post-WM29, And Raw Gets A Flat