By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

Anyone want to bet that while Rock was shucking away Cena merch into the river, Vince McMahon was in a paddle boat off-screen catching the gear? "That’s valuable crap we sell, Rock!"

Rock: “Hey, you random loser, go take a dunk in that cold water and grab that gear. 'Cause it’s bad for the environment. Now burn that sumabitch in a responsible manner.” Rock, the eco-friendly history teacher who talks about his schlong every time we meet him.

Rock jumps into the Dorlean and travels back in time. At least he thought up something creative rather than being Twitter’s cheerleader last week. With the flux capacitor still fluxing, he steps out, kick’s Britain’s ass, and sleeps with all the women. Truth be told, I was getting a headache from Rock's history lesson. I think the people back then would be happy to see future Rock kick John Cena’s ass because, well, they didn’t have to wait a year listening to future Rock say how he was gonna kick’s Cena ass.

Compare and contrast:

Man of the People Rock has many people to keep out other people from interrupting his “I’m with the people” video segments.

Meanwhile, John Cena jumps into the crowd like a hooligan and looks likes he’s having a ball in this feud. Some might complain that he “broke character” there, but, for me, this is the perfect antidote from the Cena shlock over the years. Sometimes the best things in wrestling are the ones that aren’t plans. They're not robots out there.

I mean, sentences are coming out of Cena’s mouth and I’m…agreeing with them. Not groaning or wishing I was on fire.

Big Show is angry that he remembers eating WWE New York food. Hey, remember WWE New York?

Five years from now: Hey, remember WWE Network? I'll probably eat those words. The project will become massive. Huge. Too big to fail.

Mega Super Rock towers over the feeble Boston people and informs them once again that he’s hung. Thanks, champ.

Why should I watch Smackdown if the best and featured parts from Smackdown are shown on Raw? Oh, Johnny Ace is running the show this Friday.

Just for kicks, I want C.M. Punk to wrestle a match hopping up and down on one leg, selling that his other leg got ripped off. I’m sure he can pull it off. I’m pretty sure Chris Jericho is pleased to be working with Punk, unless Jericho is a friend of Chris Brown or Shawne Merriman or something.

For me, I would like to see the tooth fairy become more serious. Everyone had their fun and games with Captain Catchphrase and laughed during his videos, but I want to see a pissed-off Rock who will stop at nothing from destroying John Cena. There was a hint of that last night. Rock’s been more concerned about Twitter and doing his silly little skits with his camera crew.

The only women in WWE who get over are hoes, monsters, and farters. Linda McMahon to me always seemed like a empowered hoeski.

All it takes is one little love slap. A month ago, I wasn’t really looking forward to this Rock-Cena feud, considering how lame Cena was. But, nowadays it seems like WWE is pushing a Cena character that you don't have to be five-years-old to like. I dug Rock, now I dig Cena. Undertaker-HBK-Triple H has the history of these three guys to play off, but the real buzz to this year’s WrestleMania is Cena-Rock.

Cena: “Nobody cares about #2.” That’s not fair to TNA. Why, just marvel at the size of Bully Ray’s calves.

Can we agree that the “What?” chant ranks up there with the sucky things about wrestling?

I like what they’re doing with the Jericho-Punk feud and using Twitter. Not asking “Who’s the better performer” or “who do you follow on twitter,” but “who’s the best wrestler.” Newcomers to wrestling may not understand that for a good while “wrestling” or “wrestler” were dirty, taboo words on WWE programming.

A key feature of WrestleMania is that the card usually features something for everybody. There’s the overblown WWE spectacle (GM vs. GM) and the match nobody loves (Orton vs. Kane). I think if it were not for that disastrous battle royale, Orton vs. Wade Barrett might be considered. Now, WWE has Orton vs. Kane, which seems like a wasted opportunity. But, I have faith in Kane to muster something respectable. It will most likely join the ranks of the two-star Mania matches you’ll forget the day after, like...Christian vs. DDP.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

[Torch art credit Travis Beaven (c) PWTorch.com]

We suggest these recent related articles...

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw: HBK To Crossbow Lesnar On Sunday, WWE Asks Paul Bearer's Ashes To Sell Mania, Punk & Triple H's Post-Mania Plans, Cash Cow Cena = Bieber?

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - State of WM29 Card: Rock & Cena To Sing About Buffalo Nipples To Get Heat, What Heyman Should Have Stipulated To Hunter, Punk To Relieve Himself In Urn To Get Heat

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw & TNA: Using The Recently-Dead For Storylines, Bully Ray King Of Da World, Swagger To Be Sold To N. Korea Post-WM29, And Raw Gets A Flat