By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“And it’s nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don’t roam these streets
I am not the ghost you want of me”
-“Carry On” by Fun.

Did you catch Monday last night? Here's a clip of Rock blasting Cena...



Wait, that clip was from a year ago. My bad.

It's not like the Cena-Rock feud has largely stayed the same for nearly an entire year. Oh wait, it has. My bad again.

WWE also busted out the word "Attitudinal," which makes me think of edgy shirts moms wear.




I can appreciate gritty, relatable, down-to-earth Cena.

I'm not sure I like the clown who talks about ending WrestleMania by teabagging Rock. Give credit to Cena, though. At least his bit was short. The Rock concert was painfully long. For the most part, they're delivering churned-out bits.

- Some say that the build for Undertaker-Triple H-Shawn Michaels has been the best thus far. To this, I answer, "Duh." You have three legends with rich personal histories between each other. You also have three legendary WrestleMania matches. Face it, you would have to be a lamebrain to screw up this feud.

For that reason, I gave some more love to Cena-Rock, because I like feuds that take chances, that straddle that line, that live and die each week. It died a whole lot Monday night.

- I'm not sure who's coming out on top with this Ryder-Eve angle. It's not Ryder, it's not quite Eve, and it's not human beings.

What I don't like are feuds that are stalling and stagnating. Rock and Cena are off track at this point.

I mean, one week Rock's making a vengeful claim to rip out Cena's throat, and then the next week he's joking that he banged Cena's mom hurr hurr.

One week Cena's fantasizing about how his legacy will be shaped after WrestleMania, and then the next week Cena's fantasizing about boobies and poopies. Good grief. This is Twitter filler.




- Heels have to walk that line. Remember when Chris Jericho got heat for punching HBK's wife years ago? Count me in as a fan of Chris Jericho as the worst AA leader in the world. No, C.M. Punk, don't become a alcoholic like your daddy! And, oh, don't lose that WWE title belt yadda yadda yadda.




- Miz will be at WrestleMania. No, really. He'll interrupt the show and he'll get knocked out by Big Show, peed on by Pitbull, and left behind for TNA like roadkill to pick up (say, if Hulk Hogan picks him up and starts filming...sorry, got too attitudinal for ya).

- So, it looks like John Laurinaitis will run both Raw and Smackdown. Not sure how that really changes things, since I see Randy Orton, Sheamus, and Daniel Bryan without fail every Monday night, but I'll take your word. The whole thing's being booked by some sugar-crazed child. No Money in the Bank match for you, folks! You'll get this 12-man tag team match because David Otunga's a rising star and he needs to be shown.

The one thing more ballooned up than David Otunga's push is David Otunga's arms. Those boys are bigger than Bully Ray's calves, and not even God himself is bigger than Bully Ray's calves. It's not like the '80s where many people went, "Well I guess that guy just does more curls at the gym." Nowadays, these guys are red flags. Nah, I'm over-exaggerating. I'm sure David just started doing more curls.

And, if I get sued for that remark, then I'll just hire Otunga as my lawyer to defend me.

- What do we do with championship belts, ladies and gentlemen? We say this seemingly every year, but championship belts in wrestling nearly do not mean a damn thing anymore. If this degradation keeps up, they might as well be tinfoil belts. They're handing them out seemingly to everybody.




- Rock's here, everybody! He's gonna rip out Cena's sphlinter and shove it down the hole in his ripped-out throat! Ouch! How attitudinal! But, first, he's gonna sing you a song!

"How did this dump get the Hall of Fame..."

Nah. Rock pandered to the crowd, broke out "Kung Pao Bitch" again (really? really?), and sang about Cena had ladyparts.

Old Rock would sneer at the New Rock and claim he was the one with the actual ladyparts.

Man, remember when "Fruity Pebbles" knocked you upside yo head? Now, Rock is offering one-liners that should have stayed in his diary. The man spends all of his time now either in trailers getting make-up applied, playing super heroes saving the world, or buying mansions. It's hard for him to connect with the real world.

I am glad Cena didn't blast Rock for buying a mansion.

Rock: "John Cena, you live in a mansion."

Cena: "Once again, you only got it half-right. My mansion's bare bones. And, I sleep on an inflatable bed. Here's a serious newsflash, Jack. Listen to me very...very...closely. Mark my words, Rock. Listen: My nuts...will be on your face come April 1" (drops mic).

And, man, WWE busted out "Attitudinal." 'Cause WWE's so edgy and hip. Child, please. If either Taker or Trips gets busted open, HBK will have to take mop up the blood with his hair in a not-so-discreet fashion. As Jericho pointed out, the Attitude Era was largely stupid. He then taunted recovering alcoholics with a truck full of cold beer and hot chicks. So evil.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com . Twitter is @shanetexascedt

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