By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“And who the hell’s impressed by you?
I want names of the people
That we know that are falling for this
You would sell your own mother out
And then betray your dead brother with another
Hypocritical kiss”
-“Hypocritical Kiss” by Jack White

I caught The Avengers recently. The audience was rocking and rolling, especially when Loki’s army invaded New York and it was up to the Avengers to destroy property damage real good like.

Speaking about events featuring wanton destruction, WWE's Extreme Rules was last Sunday. If you missed it, let me use a bit from the Avengers movie to help describe it:




Of course, in WWE’s Avengers, Loki defeats The Incredible Hulk with two lucky moves and gloats afterwards.

There’s some hub-bub that John Cena was supposed to get carted out of Extreme Rules and not make his “After getting legitimate, I’m taking a vacation from legitimacy” promo. Whether or not Cena/WWE screwed Brock is of little concern. Brock Lesnar was the guy who quit, was the guy who sued WWE to get out of his contract, and the guy who wouldn’t play easy. WWE and Brock are not singing and holding hands. Both are using each other for their own means - WWE to pump up PPV buys and to get attention (WWE: “Charles Barkley mentioned Brock Lesnar and Cena! Oooh,”) and Brock wants to buy his own death tank to take out Bambi.

Fans were hyped up after Brockmania, but now they’re dealing with Loser Lesnar, who won’t be on television that often, it seems. In a worst-case scenario, it might be feasible for Brock to lose the majority of his matches (while the announcers stress how brutal he is). Obviously, Brock’s going to pick up some wins, but when WWE brought Brock in, I did not think Brock would have an undefeated streak going into WrestleMania. But, I also thought there was no way Brock was going to lose his very first PPV match. It's definitely going to take a skillful hand to manage Brock's time in WWE. So, they'll probably use blackmail.

At times, wrestling does seem petty. Does Undertaker really need to get his win back over Brock Lesnar? Does that really matter anymore? Yes, dammit, it does. Now shadup and cheer Marine Miz.

If you have to defend WWE movies, the best thing you can do is shrug your shoulders and say, "Money?" Their films are terrible. And I ain't no grand movie patron. I watched Batista's "House Of The Rising Sun," which consisted of nothing but shots of Big Dave driving and Big Dave getting out of his car. My man! Go drive somewhere else now!

- Elsewhere, I do believe that Hulk Hogan…and I’m going to say this in the nicest way possible…is bat-s—t bonkers. It’s like that sex tape unleashed his inner Hulksanity, and the sheer depths of Hulksanity is scaring us. My gut check after watching the last Hulkpact is that everything else not involving Hulk Hogan (Flair, Devon match, Gut check) was what I wanted to see. I don’t have much confidence in a guy who will bail when the ship goes down.




- Smackdown right now is the baseball team that’s showing off the younger talent and is committed to growing pains (slagging ratings). Some might have the patience for it, some don’t. It does feel like Cody Rhodes gets chumped out on every show, with or without the IC gold around this waist. And, man oh man, will that Daniel Bryan-C.M. Punk match be good. I'm currently on a vegan diet (not by choice, mind you). Not much as changed, except I'm cranky all the time and I think about hurting people constantly. I don't know how you vegans manage.




- I wonder if WWE will be kind enough to show two storylines for Cena: that one with Johnny Laurinaitis (barf) and the one where Cena wakes up in an Asian village, gets trained by Mr. Fuji, regains his health, falls in love, and defeats Lord Tensai in a bloodsport match. I'm not sure any of these new mamby-pamby wrestling writers have seen a Van Damme or Steven Segal flick. It wouldn't shock me if they haven't got any of the Rocky movies. (Blasphemy! we make comparisons to the Rocky movies in wrestling constantly!)

Cena's next PPV opponent, Laurinaitis, used to team up with Shane Douglas, who recently headlined a horror show. I consider that a bad omen. At least Johnny won't wrestle without a t-shirt on...but really, who wants to watch a old fuddy duddy fight a younger fuddy duddy?

- I’m certain that in 20 years, people won’t be chanting ECW. More than any other wrestling company, ECW was an ideology, a belief, and, for many, a way of life. I know that Shane Douglas had his Extreme Reunion show recently, and TNA had “Hardcore Justice,” and sometimes it’s fun to take a trip back in time, but it’s time to bury ECW. I’m not suggesting you forget about it forever, but realize that the true spirit of the company is long, long gone, and any variation that pops up is false.

- I went to a independent wrestling show in San Francisco recently. The show was a hoot. Heck, the main event featured a character dressed up as a hemp doctor! It's Dr. 420, everybody. I was lucky to be invited backstage, and I was lucky to see a zonked-out wrestler wobbling in front of me. I’m guessing he took some pills. Or maybe he had a concussion. Or drunk. Whew, thank goodness he's only drunk.

You know, I would prefer to read tweets like, “Hey, I had too much fun last night, got drunked and effed up royally, so I couldn’t make it." Instead, we get “allergic reaction” or “I’m was very tired,” and no one buys it. As in any other sport and profession, there are enablers and users. Hopefully it’s not management that is doing the enabling.

- The NFL is having one of the worst off-seasons ever, but it’s not like that bad stuff just popped up. They’re trying to civilize a violent game and a cutthroat business that demands victories at any costs. Could wrestling make improvements? Sure. Wrestler unions? Off-seasons? Better drug testing? RVD appearing motivated? Josh Mathews getting tossed again? Maybe. Maybe not.

- That's it for me. How many victories do you think Brock Lesnar will get during his time with WWE? Will the number be greater than the times Batista got out of a car in "The House Of The Rising Sun?" No, that's absurd.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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