By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“I did this rock stuff, been tatted, been lox’d up
Imitation sincere form of flattery, but not us
One by one I’m puttin’ em in they places
On a first come, first serve basis”
-“West Coast Rock Steady” by P.O.D.

This absurd article is brought to you by…5-Hour energy drink. When you need energy, don’t go for coffee or “ubermonster” energy drinks that cost five bucks a bottle. Go for 5-Hour energy drinks. Just don’t drink two at a time.




The first of many three-hour Raws started off with kind of a bad omen, with the Titantron catching on-fire. It seems even God doesn’t have patience for three-hour Raws. Thankfully, WWE recovered in time and started off the show with the first of 100 lengthy video packages.

So, what will three-hour Raws look like? 25 percent PPV matches (Sheamus-Bryan and Cena-Show), 25 percent TV matches you’ve seen before, and 50 percent replaying segments from last week or last night or the last segment or the last century.

I suppose I gotta add boring heel victories in this equation. Lord knows seeing Alberto Del Rio, Titus O’Neil, and Tiremark Tensai defeat goobers is entertaining.

I’m not complaining about PPV matches on Raw. When you want to hold the audience’s attention for three hours, you need something else than Jack Swagger doing what he does best to keep you motivated.

Although, good luck trying to sell the substandard Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio match when we get what we want (Bryan vs. Sheamus in a Street Fight) for free.

Awesome moment of the night: Remember the quick shot of Daniel Bryan’s buddies all dressed in white? A.J. believes that after she got married to Daniel Bryan, he was going to legally commit her. How truly awesome is that? Man, I wish they could have spent more time focusing on this aspect of the storyline. Or, didn’t rush the wedding.




It’s too bad that A.J. Lee … looks too much like a Stephanie McMahon clone. Her sneakers and frayed t-shirts made her standout, but she can act. Let’s just say TNA’s Claire doesn’t quite match up to A.J.’s skills.

Daniel Bryan kicks (invisible) children! You bastard! What a trip it must be for Daniel Bryan…hanging out with Rock one week, bludgeoning “little Jimmy” the next. And now, his character is considered mentally damaged, with being taken away by the men in white for a psychiatric evaluation. Daniel Bryan shoots A.J. a look of death before he exits. (By the way, WWE, America is scared of guys with severe mental problems a bit now.)

Holy crap, WWE, instead of whatever goofy Charlie Sheen non-sense you’ve spewing up, give me more of Bryan and A.J. Lee drama.

Mandatory Tout Interruption: “That’s cuz he’s the best… in the world,” “Punk…how dare you attack a delusional movie star who doesn’t really wrestle anymore! You’re such a jackass heel!” and “Seriously, can I get some better lighting? I’m filming this in my toolshed apparently."




Titus O’Neil defeated Kofi Kingston this week. It’s easier to believe if you imagine Titus as “Expendables” Terry Crews, minus the post-celebration dancing that suggests Titus doesn’t know what “shame” is.

Also, A.W. had another screw-up of the night, as he implied Titus was Kobe Bryant in that Colorado hotel room incident. So, Titus is going to have sex with Kofi without consent while A.W. announces the action? I’m sure A.W. is wishing he could have Atlas’s infectious laughing back.




You noticed that neither Alberto Del Rio nor Dolph Ziggler were involved in any fashion with that Sheamus-Bryan match. I guess Alberto Del Rio got major league heat for beating the snake-sock guy again, and teasing a Ziggler cash-in yet again was too many cheap rating ploys in a row.

Stone-faced John Cena talks to C.M. Punk, who just tells it like it is and doesn’t b.s. Cena. Naturally, fans tout about how much of a douche Punk is. You want me to hate Punk, just have him make out with lovely Lita on national television. Have Punk say that only he has “in-and-out privileges” with Lita. Ex-Lita boyfriend's Matt Hardy and Edge will reunite to bring the Punkster down.

Oh babah-bee. Health Slater lost to a returning Randy Orton, and thinks, “Maybe I shouldn’t issue any more open challenges?” I like the Slater character, and wish he could expand a bit. I wish Randy “Two Strikes” Orton would watch “Reefer Madness” and be scarred for life.

Hey, it’s Daniel Bryan in a dimly lit room. He must be sending out a tout.

Actually our boy is talking to a psychiatrist. And, apparently, we’ve driven Daniel Bryan insane with those “Yes!” chants. To me, this angle isn’t really humorous. It’s a bit … disturbing. Next week, Daniel Bryan will sit in the corner, fearful of that horrible word. Naturally, Stephen King has already written a 3,000 word horror story.




“Hey, Dolph Ziggler and Chris Jericho. We know you hate each other, but guess who has to share a rental car together?”

Do we have to have the phrase “Tout war” in our lexicon? The words “tout” and “war” don’t belong together, like “rubber duckies” and “Genocide."

If only those boring bikers could stop beating up Kurt Angle so he could help the U.S. beat China in the Olympics.

The Tensai push is beyond odd. Normally in the act of pushing, the thing you’re pushing, ya know, actually goes somewhere. It’s like they don’t want to let go of the Tensai project, but don’t have any idea of how to use him, other than beating up Tyson Kidd.

Daniel Bryan is doing a Rorschach test. In a clever bit, the rorschach drawings laid out by the doc turn out to resemble a goat. For the last time, Daniel Bryan does not resemble a goat, beside eating tins cans. He punts invisible children and he had the best ex-boyfriend revenge scheme ever. He’s my hero.

Daniel Bryan is ready to leave the room. But, look out, here’s komedic Kane! He growls out that he is Daniel’s “Anger Management Therapist” and proceeds to thrash him. Not a very good therapist, that Kane. Maybe there’s a “I’ve seen that same Triple H-Paul Heyman video package five times already and I’m going insane” therapist out there.

I like the idea of longer matches, but it’s gonna take time to start training people that a match featuring Alberto Del Rio and the United States champion isn’t going to end in two minutes. Lengthening the same match we’ve seen already is futile. I’m curious to see the ratings, as this show definitely featured longer matches compared to their normal shtick.

The end of the show featured A.J. Lee using her vaunted GM booking skillz again and proclaiming the Summerslam main event to be all the guys she sees in the ring: C.M. Punk, John Cena, Big Show, and the ref. All righty then.

Not really feeling Summerslam too much, ya know. There's still time, but ... it doesn't feel yet like the second biggest show of the year. Maybe it’s because Brock Lesnar desperately needs to get some hype, but, instead, last week’s video package of Trips-Paul got more hype than him because Brock is a mythical unicorn at this point. Sheamus vs. Al seems to be a repeat, with Al losing yet again at the PPV. And, this triple threat match…barf. Insert Daniel Bryan into this triple threat match, and let’s make Charlie Sheen the special guest ref for this party. Even though Charlie Sheen is made up of 50 percent cocaine, I’m sure he can at least … stand during the match.

Daniel Bryan was the highlight of the night, and him messing with Charlie Sheen…does Daniel Bryan really, really need this?

And, the video packages? Did you know that you can make these "interactive?" It's true. Just press the "fast-foward button" or change the channel. I don't need to see Stephanie McMahon wailing on Paul Heyman again, thanks.

I bet you’re hungry after reading such a long Absurdity Article. Mmm…doesn’t Sonic’s sound good right now? Until you realize In-N-Out Burger is superior to Sonic’s. That’s right, I said it. Oh, no In-N-Out for you on the East Coast? So sad.

That's it for me. I'm going to recap what I just wrote, even though you just read it. I'm just following the WWE model. Here goes:

“I did this rock stuff, been tatted, been lox’d up
Imitation sincere form of flattery, but not us
One by one I’m puttin’ em in they places
On a first come, first serve basis”
-“West Coast Rock Steady” by P.O.D.

This absurd article is brought to you by…5-Hour energy drink. When you need energy, don’t go for coffee or “ubermonster” energy drinks that cost five bucks a bottle. Go for 5-Hour energy drinks. Just don’t drink two at a time.

The first of many three-hour Raws started off with a kinda of a bad omen, with the Titantron catching on fire. It seems even God doesn’t have patience for three-hour Raws. Thankfully, WWE recovered in time and started off the show with the first of 100 lengthy video packages.

So, what will three-hour Raws look like? 25 percent PPV matches (Sheamus-Bryan and Cena-Show), 25 percent TV matches you’ve seen before, and 50 percent replaying of segments from last week or last night or last segment...

That's it for me. Feel free to comment below. The more you respond, the more my social media points go up, and the more 5-Hour energy drink and In-N-Out Burger pay me to mention them in my article and you'll buy their stuff. It's a win-win, baby. Shazam!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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