By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

Before we recap the absurdity, let’s give a round of applause to all of the Olympic medal winners. Your dedication, hard work, passion, and X-men genetics have garnered you the respect, admiration, and jealously of your countrymen. After the Olympics, what’s in store for these mutants? What are they going to do in the future? Let’s check in with our own Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle, who’s….dressing up as a ugly woman in a Funny or Die video. Well, I can see Michael Phelps doing that.




( Sublime drawing done by Griffin T. Kearns. You can check out more of his work at GriffinKearns.carbonmade.com .)

No! No! No!

That’s Daniel Bryan’s favorite word by the way. He has kicked "Yes!" to the curb. He gets into “No!/Yes!” shouting matches with fans ringside because he believes they’re taunting him. Defining a heel in WWE doesn’t get much simpler than this.




You can’t really say the same for C.M. Punk’s character, which is a tweener with the possibility of becoming a jerkwad. With Punk vs. Rock at the Royal Rumble on the horizon, it looks like a slow Punk heel burn, with the first defining moment being defeating both John Cena and Big Show at Summerslam. I’m picking Punk to win over the Marine and Knucklehead.

In great news that probably should have happened a long time before, Booker has been named the Smackdown G.M., saving us from his shucky ducky quack quack announcing and becoming a serious sucka. He's like Obama, only if Obama robbed a Denny's at one point.

Pessmitic viewpoint: After returning from his suspension, Randy Orton’s job status is hanging on by a thread. He’s going to be put into the Summerslam Main event because Alberto Del Rio sucks.

Optimistic viewpoint: After returning from his vacation, Randy Orton’s job status is safe and secure. He’s going to be put into the Summerslam Main Event because Alberto Del Rio sucks.

It’s Shawn Micheals Appreciation Night this Monday. So, Brock Lesnar destroying Triple H’s best friend seems like a given, right? Sure. What about loser Brock actually winning at Summerslam?

Wrestling is full of guys with big egos and big pride. A Brock Lesnar victory over Triple H over Summerslam would definitely help sell Brock’s later matches against perhaps Undertaker or Rock. But, I don’t see it going down like that.

What I see them doing is taking the harder route and having Triple H vanquish the monster at Summerslam and Brock Lesnar tears off both of Triple H’s arms and kidnaps Stephanie McMahon to get some heat back. I’m guessing they’ll paint his character as a guy who doesn’t win matches, but causes human destruction instead. So, the allure of seeing him in a PPV match is to see what damage he can create.

But, the simpler road is just having Brock win at Summerslam. He obliterated Cena and he won over Triple H. But, remember, big egos and big pride are woven into wrestling, and considering all of the bubonic WWE backstage news with Brock, Las Vegas is giving Brock a 1 percent chance of winning.




In the future, you could have Undertaker call out Brock for Survivor Series because Trips and Taker are buds. Brock loses again, but shows up in the Royal Rumble and wins. And, then you have Brock vs. Rock at WrestleMania, with the novel prospect of both the winner and loser leaving us after the night is over. Just like at WrestleMania 20.

Truth be told, I’m thinking they’ll pull the trigger again on Cena vs. Rock II, because the last Mania they headlined did gangbusters.

You may have noticed WWE’s touts that get air-time are simple, generic, inoffensive, and largely interchangeable. Maybe I should cut down on the large amount of swearing and air-humping in mine. Here was my latest tout: “To me, Antonio *!#@ing Cesaro’s *!#@ing finishing move call-out *!#@ing looks more *!#@ing painful than his *!#@ing finishing move.” * Does aggressive air-humping while video fades to black.

- A while back, I coined the term “Cop-out Claire” in TNA because I assumed that Claire's introduction was the first and last we’ll see of this broad. I didn’t want to call her “Crackhead Claire” because that felt rude. But, now she has earned that title with this painful angle that just. won’t. die.

I like the direction TNA is going. Opening up with that four-man match featuring King, Ion, Aries, and Roode felt new and exciting. They didn’t even have to set something on fire to fill out time.

I don’t like the direction WWE is going with their three-hour Raws. With better padding of their interminably long Raws, WWE could steal some ideas from TNA. Perhaps they could have unique camera shots backstage, post-match interviews, and more of Al Snow on-screen (because, damn, we needs more Al Snow). Perhaps they could actually try.

But, they won’t.

I don’t get it. When you watch Monday Night Football, they don’t go in and out of the commercial break with the ball equipment manager talking about how he needs more balls. “Hey, Jim, our Raiders need some more balls. Go get some.” Commercial break. “Hey, Jim, our Raiders need some more balls. Go get some.” Pretty sad.




Watching the last Raw, you got the impression they were filling time. If you’re going to do recaps and replays of boring talking head segments, then you need to make the more entertaining. Everybody, including Zack Ryder, noticed the high amount of replays.

Considering how much WWE recapped their Titantron catching fire, perhaps they're considering flooding the arena for the next Raw. "We're half submerged in water! You just never know what's going to happen! Wow, now frogs are falling from the sky! Crazy!"

That's it for me. You're not over. You're over as hell. Now go get that money, son.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com . Angle photo credit Griffin T. Kearns at GriffinKearns.carbonmade.com .

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