By Pat McNeill, Torch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan or "Undisclosed Location" Vince Russo. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching all the episodes of TNA Impact on Spike TV. Closed captioning is provided by America Online. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Right Guard by Gillette. Right Guard, because men perspire more. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.

It is worth pointing out that Thursday's episode of TNA Impact drew a whopping 0.9 rating, less than the 1.0 rating TNA Impact drew FOUR YEARS AGO this week. Congratulations, TNA. TNA "Creative Contributor" Eric Bischoff made news earlier this week by stating in a radio interviewer that TNA head writer Vince Russo was doing "a phenomenal job." Many readers have decided that Bischoff is lying or insane. That ain't necessarily so. It's refreshing to hear an interview with a TNA employee who's actually trying to keep his job instead of, you know, pissing it away. And, in Bischoff's defense, he never said what Russo was doing a phenomenal job of. Maybe the Long Island Loudmouth is a bangup Rotisserie League baseball commissioner.

I don't try to make sense of TNA storylines. That's best left to whoever is producing the monthly "Before the Bell" pay-per-view previews. This month, "Before The Bell" sets the table for the RVD vs. A.J. Styles main event. They never actually explain why you'd want to order the rematch on pay-per-view after watching the two men mix it up for free, but that's an unfair standard.



And, speaking of great free wrestling online, here's two guys who aren't scheduled to wrestle at Sacrifice. It's Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe from TNA Genesis 2006, and it's still awesome.



On with the projections.

Team 3-D vs. Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money (Triple Threat Number One Contenders Match): Didn't we already see this match? On television? Oh, well. This should be a good match, if TNA gives it time. Projection? I'll keep projecting a major victory for the Guns until it happens. Let's say that Chris Sabin pins James Storm with the Cradleshock.

Madison Rayne vs. Tara (Title vs. Career Match): Tara's a heel. Tara's contract is up, and there's no way in hell that young Madison Rayne is going to take all of Tara's signature moves. Sounds simple to me. Projection? Madison wins with interference from Velvet Sky, Lacey Von Erich, Angelina Love, Daffney, Bubba the Love Sponge, the University of Central Florida Marching Band, and the Walt Disney World Main Street Electrical Parade.

Rob Terry vs. Orlando Jordan (TNA Global "Who Gives A Crap?" Title): What would be worse? Rob Terry retaining the Global Title, or more of Orlando Jordan on TNA Impact? Projection? Rob Terry wins the match in forty-five seconds, botching all three of his moves. Orlando Jordan returns to his day job working the makeup counter at Nordstrom's. (Say what you will, the man knows his foundation and eye shadow.)

Abyss vs. Desmond Wolfe (Ring vs. Chelsea Match): What's worse than TNA's remake of the "Miss Elizabeth accuses Bill Golberg of assault" angle from WCW Nitro eleven years ago? How about the fact that Desmond Wolfe is still at large after RUNNING OVER ABYSS WITH A CAR last month? Projection? Abyss wins and takes possession of Desmond's flat in Chelsea for the next thirty days. (That's not the stipulation? Well, it should be.)

Frankie Kazarian vs. Douglas Williams (TNA X Division Title): After last month's disaster, it would be ironic if Kazarian's taxi blew out a tire on the way to the Impact Zone. Projection? Williams regains the title with the Chaos Theory on Kazarian.

Kevin Nash & Scott Hall vs. Jesse Neal & Shannon Moore (TNA World Tag Team Title Match): Seriously? Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal? Were Rip Morgan and Jack Victory booked somewhere else this weekend? (If you don't know who Rip Morgan and Jack Victory are, ask Bruce Mitchell this Tuesday on the PWTorch Livecast show.) Projection? Moore makes Nash look good before Big Kev pins him with a sloppy powerbomb.

Jeff Hardy vs. Ken Anderson: This has become one of the most interesting storylines in all of professional wrestling. Exactly how many times can Jeff Hardy's attorney get his trial date continued before the Charismatic Enigma has to show up and face the music? And what's the holdup? I suspect the problem lies with Jeff Hardy, and his unwillingness to show up at Dillard's with his attorney and get fitted for something other than an Affliction T-shirt. Projection? Hardy wins with the Swanton. The guy's bulletproof.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Sting (No, Really!): Over the past few weeks, Sting has been cutting incoherent promos on Impact, while Jeff Jarrett was outvoted in a fan popularity poll by Matt Morgan, with a final margin of 67,283 to 12. (Margin of Error: +- 3%) Looks like an even contest to me. Projection? Sting wins cleanly in the middle of the ring while half of the Impact Zone regulars are taking a bathroom break.

Rob van Dam vs. A.J. Styles (TNA World Heavyweight Title): This should be a very good match, especially if it's free from outside interference. Projection? Rob and A.J. have the full-length version of the match they had on Impact a few weeks back, and Van Dam wins with the split-legged moonsault.

Aftermath: Next month is "TNA Slammiversary VIII", which means the return of the King of the Mountain Match. I'm voting for Rob Van Dam vs. Hulk Hogan vs. Ric Flair vs. Rob Terry vs. Kevin Nash. Also, it would be nice to see Jeff Hardy take on Desmond Wolfe.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He picked a good year to stop watching reality television. His longer columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.

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