By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Dixie Carter, Eric Bischoff, Vince Russo, Paul Heyman or whoever. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching all the episodes of TNA Impact on Spike TV. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Lowrey's Beef Jerky. Lowrey's Beef Jerky is beef sticks. Good, lean, smoky, delicious beef snacks in a can. They stay fresh longer. The perfect snack for the whole family, from Lowrey's. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.

Congratulations to Total Nonstop Action wrestling on its eighth anniversary. You know, if I were a mean person, I would point out that this week's edition of TNA Impact, featuring an eight-man tag with Jeff Hardy and A.J. Styles, on opposite teams, plus a final segment with top stars Sting and Ron van Dam, was bested in the ratings this week by an NXT episode starring Percy Watson and HUSKY FREAKING HARRIS. If I were a mean person, I would point out that the "official" Slammiversary lineup page at TNAWrestling.com refers to Ken Anderson as "MR. ANDERON." Or, if I were a mean, nasty pro wrestling writer, I could point out that TNA bills this show as the "biggest pay-per-view of the summer" when Slammiversary is actually taking place IN THE SPRING, LOOK AT A [BLEEP]ING CALENDAR, YOU MORONS!

But I'm not that kind of guy. Instead, let's talk about the lineup for this show. A few of the matches look good on paper, and only one wrestler on the show is over the age of fifty. In other words, we've seen worse.

Our friend James Caldwell already posted the monthly TNA "Before The Bell" special, so how does everyone feel about a Wrestling History Lesson instead? Great. Sting is headlining Slammiversary this weekend. Let's look back at footage from Sting's first pay-per-view appearance. Here's the Stinger in the opening match of NWA Starrcade 1987, as he teamed with Michael Hayes and Jimmy Garvin against Larry Zbyszko, Rick Steiner, and the late "Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert.



And, as your free gift for viewing this column, how about an X Division Triple Threat Match? It's Alex Shelley vs. Amazing Red vs. Jeremy Buck.



On with the projections.

Tonight's "Nice Surprise": Hey, why not assume that the "nice surprise" teased by Dixie Carter is what she says it is? Namely, a nice surprise. Projection? Maria Kanellis, who was released by WWE more than ninety days ago, makes her TNA debut and sings the National Anthem.

Jesse Neal vs. Brother Ray Deadly: The former Bubba Ray did some fine promos to set up this match, and is really trying to get young Jesse Neal over. Projection? Jesse wins with a spear. Brother Ray goes nuts again, setting up some sort of stipulation match next month.

Abyss vs. Desmond Wolfe (Monster's Ball): After building up the humiliation of having Chelsea work for Abyss for thirty days, TNA did absolutely no vignettes showing Chelsea working for Abyss. So, what was the point of that? Projection? While Wolfe certainly is a tough dude, he should play up wanting no part of any hardcore match. Wolfe rallies to win by dropping Abyss in thumbtacks, pouring Bactine on him, and then lighting him on fire. And Wolfe should pin Abyss while he's at it.

Shawn Hernandez vs. Matt Morgan: This match replaces the originally announced TNA Tag Team Title defense. Given who's holding the tag belts these days, there should be no complaints. Projection? Hernandez clobbers Morgan and pins him with the Border Toss, mostly because it makes no sense to hype Hernandez's big return and have him lose his first match back.

Kurt Angle vs. Frankie Kazarian: Continuing our discussion from the previous paragraph, what would be the point of having Kurt Angle drop the fall to Frankie Kazarian? Then again, this should be a heck of a match, so why overanalyze it? Projection? Angle forces Kazarian to tap to the anklelock.

Jeff Hardy & Ken "Dennis Leary" Anderson vs. Beer Money, Inc.: Ken Anderson's new nickname for his followers probably won't win TNA a merchandising deal with Mattel, but the Impact Zone fans seem to enjoy it. Projection? Hardy and Anderson win after Desmond Wolfe's interference backfires.

Jay Lethal vs. A.J. Styles: On paper, this looks like a Ric Flair impersonator against a Ric Flair wannabe. However, we have seen that both of these fellows can actually wrestle. Projection? Styles wins a lengthy match with the Styles Clash.

Madison Rayne vs. Roxxi Leveaux (TNA Knockout Title): It is difficult to believe that this is the only Knockouts match on the lineup. But we'll probably get a Beautiful People promo before the contest to make up for it.Projection? Roxxi probably deserves to win the belt at one point. But for now, let's say that Velvet Sky distracts Roxxi and Madison wins with the inverted overdrive.

Douglas Williams vs. Brian Kendrick (TNA X Division Title): Who doesn't like some Douglas Williams? It's better than hearing Brian Kendrick rap about meditation. Projection? Williams wins with the Chaos Theory.

Rob van Dam vs. Sting (TNA World Heavyweight Title): Last time we checked, Sting had a bum shoulder and couldn't wrestle. Do you think he's at a hundred percent? Even if it is, maybe it's time for a large-scale diversion. Projection? Van Dam and Sting's match goes for several minutes when Samoa Joe appears on the ramp. Then Christopher Daniels hops the rail. Then Jay Lethal, Generation Me, The Motor City Machine Guns and Petey Williams run in and all kick the crap out of Van Dam and Sting. Daniels pulls Nick Hogan out of the crowd and beats the piss out of him. The Guns and the Bucks do every double team move possible of RVD and Sting. Petey Williams chokes out Jeremy Borash with his necktie. Jeff Hardy tries to make the save and Joe punts him.

The show ends with the pissed-off Samoa Joe X Division faction dismantling the ring, with an extra dose of violence. This is the sort of stuff that is right up the alley of the current TNA writers, even if they don't know what they're doing. The next night, Generation Joe runs roughshod over Rob Terry and Orlando Jordan. Scott Hall gets beaten down in the parking lot by Daniels and the Machine Guns, and left in the gutter with a bottle of Thunderbird poured over his head. Some of the heels join forces with the babyfaces to fight off the X invasion.

Hey, it's more interesting than whatever else TNA had planned for the summer.

Aftermath: Next month is "TNA Victory Road 2010". Rob van Dam fights Samoa Joe for the title. The Band takes on Jay Lethal and the Machine Guns. Douglas Williams steps in against Petey Williams. Maybe Awesome Kong and Cheerleader Melissa can stop in to fight the Beautiful People. Who knows?

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He picked a good year to stop watching reality television. His longer columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.

We suggest these recent related articles...

McNEILL's Late Night Deadblog - WWE Night of Champions: Bucklebombs, Light-up Jackets, Poachers, IcoPro, Eddie, more!

Night of Gold: McNEILL Previews Night Of Champions 2015 (w/Wrestling History Lesson)

Double Duty: McNEILL previews ROH's All-Star Extravaganza VII pay-per-view!