By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Dixie Carter, Eric Bischoff, Vince Russo, Paul Heyman or whoever. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching all the episodes of TNA Impact on Spike TV. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Winter Garden neighborhood vegetables. Winter Garden brings you neighborhood vegetables from all across America. Neighborhood vegetables frozen garden fresh. That's Winter Garden. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.

This month's Total Nonstop Action wrestling pay-per-view doesn't look so bad. It appears TNA Wrestling has decided that since their pay-per-views aren't earning money, the company won't put as much effort into writing the shows. This is good, because it means the TNA creative juggernaut doesn't spend as much time filling the pay-per-view shows with storylines that drive wrestling fans away in droves.

TNA has reportedly been courting former ECW owner/booker Paul Heyman. Heyman would certainly be a better head of creative than Vince Russo, who is reportedly begging to be assigned to another division within the company. The former Mad Scientist of Extreme was interviewed last weekend in Las Vegas, where he negotiated with Dixie Carter over YouTube, asking for creative control and a percentage of the company. Oh, and Heyman also thinks the current TNA product "sucks."

Everyone here at the Torch hopes to see Happy Heyman rumbling around Orlando in a TNA baseball cap this week, just to liven up our Total Nonstop Action coverage. In the mean time, let's go to this month's Wrestling History Lesson. You want history? Let's take you back to 1988, and one of Heyman's fondest wrestling memories, when he brought the Original Midnight Express with him from the AWA onto the set of NWA World Championship Wrestling.



And, as your free gift for viewing this column, how about a look into last week's edition of TNA Xplosion? And what better way to whet our appetites for tonight's show than to watch Rob Terry defend the TNA Global Title against Homicide?



On with the projections.

Douglas Williams vs. Brian Kendrick (TNA X Division Title - Ultimate X Submissions Match): The current storyline is that TNA X Division champion Douglas Williams is afraid of heights. Really? It's amazing how that never came up during the ladder match he had last year against Homicide. Projection? Turns out, Douglas was faking his fear of heights, and he surprises Brian S. Kendrick, Esquire by beating him to the belt.

Jesse Neal vs. Brother D-Von Deadly vs. Brother Ray Deadly: The storyline here is that Bubba wants D-Von to choose between him and Jesse Neal. I don't think that's how a Triple Threat match works. Projection? D-Von, instead of choosing Bubba or Jesse, chosses to win the match. D-Von pins Jesse after a spinebuster.

A.J. Styles & Frankie Kazarian vs. Mystery Team: I'm not a Super Booking Genius or anything, but you'd think that Styles and Kazarian would actually need to win the match and join the Fortune stable before they do a breakup storyline. Projection? The mystery opponents are Generation Me. Styles pins Max Buck with a handful of tights, and this dream team of Kaz and A.J. join Ric Flair's group.

Madison Rayne vs. Angelina Love (TNA Knockout Title): Yes, Angelina Love is putting her career on the line for a shot at Madison Rayne. Yes, it seems a silly TNA storyline. But for argument's sake, let's pretend Bischoff and Russo are going somewhere with this.Projection? Since the other Beautiful People are barred from interfering, let's have hired gun Sarita come in while the referee's knocked out and hit Angelina with the Tiger Driver. Madison wins again. Angelina's gone.

Shawn Hernandez vs. Matt Morgan (Cage Match): I'm expecting power moves and a good amount of blood from Hernandez. Anyone disagree? Great. Projection? SuperMex bleeds all over the place, but comes back to hit all his moves and score a clean victory.

Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money, Inc. (TNA World Tag Team Titles): The convoluted TNA Tag Team Tournament comes down to, well, the two best teams in TNA. Torch columnist Sean Radican was the first one to point out to me that the new "Motor City Machine Guns" DVD doesn't contain a single two-on-two Motor City Machine Guns tag team match on it. Nice job, TNA. Projection? Beer Money wins when Storm sprays beer in Shelley's face, and the feud must continue.

Kurt Angle vs. Pope D'Angelo Dinero: The #10 contender, Kurt Angle, is taking on the #8 contender, The Pope. The match is third from the top on tonight's pay-per-view. For some reason, I find that interesting. Projection? Yes, Angle's promised to retire if he loses, but this is TNA, so stipulations don't matter. Angle forces Pope to tap to the anklelock.

Jay Lethal vs. Ric Flair: I don't really want to see Ric Flair wrestle again, especially after his last TNA match. However, both Flair and Lethal seem inspired by each other, and it shows in their promos. Projection? Want to see something shocking on a TNA pay-per-view? Lethal goes for the figure-four leglock, and Flair reverses into a small package and grabs a handful of tights. Yes, Ric Flair wins a wrestling match! On pay-per-view!

Rob van Dam vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Mr. Anderson vs. Abyss (TNA World Heavyweight Title - Fatal 4-Way Match): This match is the backdrop for the tension between tag team partners Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson. But it could also be the backdrop for the next part of the Extreme relaunch. Projection? Tommy Dreamer and the other extreme semi-retired wrestlers approach Rob backstage before the match and ask him to join their crew. Rob tells Tommy that he's a little busy right now, but maybe they can talk later. During the match, Hardy hits van Dam with the swanton, but Anderson breaks up the pin. Van Dam makes the comeback and pins Hardy to keep the title. Leave all the ramifications and storyline advancement for Impact.

Aftermath: Next month is "TNA Hard Justice 2010". Let's have Rob Van Dam defend the title against Anderson in the main event, Lethal vs. Flair in a two out of three falls match, Jeff Hardy vs. Samoa Joe and Hernandez vs. Abyss.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He is counting the days until the NFL Hall of Fame game. (29 days, in case you're interested.)

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