By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Jeff Jarrett, Tommy "Black T-shirt" Laughlin, Vince Russo or whoever. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive the Pathfinder Revolution LT wheeled luggage set. High performance luggage with style and quality, Pathfinder is best of the best for experienced travelers. Furnished by Paragon Luggage. And remember, if you land on "Bankrupt", you lose your cash but not your prizes, 'cause once you buy a prize, it's yours to keep. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.

This columnist is feeling very charitable toward TNA this month. After all, there was a great tag team match on Impact Thursday night, the company inexplicably decided to hold "No Surrender" on Labor Day weekend instead of opposite the Redskins-Cowboys game on September 12th.

When we left you last month, TNA was trying to hire former ECW booker Paul Heyman. Heyman, of course, is not coming in, at least not yet. Dixie Carter and friends then decided to put Tommy Dreamer in charge of this month's ECW reunion show, since Dreamer was Heyman's loyal underling for years in the original ECW. The problem is, Tommy Dreamer's not the guy you call to book an ECW reunion show. Tommy Dreamer's the guy you call to fix the flat tire on the ring truck.

In order to put over this month's pay-per-view, TNA changed the show's name from "Hard Justice" to "Hardcore Justice." The most accurate name for the show would be "A Bunch Of Middle Aged Guys Hit Each Other With Stuff," but it's hard to fit that on a poster. The theory behind this Sunday's show is that the wave of Extreme-stalgia will lead to increased ratings for Thursday night's special Impact episode, which will lead to increased ratings for TNA in general. After watching Impact, I was much more interested in Thursday night's special Impact than I am in tonight's pay-per-view, so there you go.

Some of you younger readers are probably wondering why fans made such a fuss about the original ECW. The simple answer is, in the mid 1990's, WWF and WCW mostly sucked until the Monday Night Wars began. ECW won by default. Which leads us right into this month's Wrestling History Lesson. You want history? Let's take you back to March 18, 1995, and a big main event at the ECW Arena with Cactus Jack and Shane Douglas teaming up to battle Terry Funk and The Sandman.





And, as your free gift for viewing this column, how about a look into this week's edition of TNA Xplosion? Watch as Jeremy Borash and Taz bring you this week's tag team main event of Ink, Inc. versus Generation Me.



On with the projections!

The "Hardcore Justice" pay-per-view: Of course, there's no official lineup to go off of. And, to top that off, Jerry Lynn can't wrestle in the main event due to injury. Before we get started, let's give TNA management a rundown of the Top 10 Former ECW Wrestlers who deserve the shot at Rob Van Dam:

10) Big Vito
9) "The Giant" Paul Lauria
8) Christian York
7) Tom Brandi
6) Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart
5) King Kong Bundy
4) Ikuto Hidaka
3) Kid Kash
2) Jeff Hardy. Hey, you never said it had to be an "original" ECW wrestler.

And of course, the number one former ECW wrestler who should get the spot against Rob Van Dam is...

1) Former ECW jobber Christopher Daniels.

In all seriousness, the main event slot should go to Too Cold Scorpio. Rob Van Dam should win that match. Also on the card is Tommy Dreamer vs. Zombie Raven. Seriously, that should be Scott Levy's new gimmick. Dreamer never beats Raven, so why mess with the formula now? Raven wins.

My other (revised) projections are as follows: Al Snow & Rhino beats Full Blooded Italians, Brother Runt defeats C.W. Anderson, Kid Kash defeats P. Justin Credible, New Jack defeats Atlas Security in a handicap match, Team 3-D over Johnny Swinger & Simon Diamond in a tables match, Balls Mahoney over Axl Rotten in a Barbed Wire Thumbtack Baseball Bat Singapore Cane Broken Glass Staple Gun Full Metal Mayhem Fluorescent Light Tube Tabasco Sauce Death Match and Sandman over Sabu in a hot dog eating contest. And Eric Young over Orlando Jordan in the dark match.

This columnist will also be checking his text messages, and would appreciate hearing from one of the capitalists on Justin.TV as to whether watching on a blurry computer screen makes the action look better.

Now that we're done with that, it's time to make projections for The Whole F'N Impact show scheduled for this Thursday night on Spike TV:

Mr. Ken Anderson defeats Matt Morgan and Pope Dinero in a triple threat match. Angelina Love defeats Madison Rayne to regain the Knockout Title. Jeff Hardy defeats Shelton Benjamin in the open challenge match. The fifth match in the Best of Five tag team title series is a "Wrestling Match", in which the Motor City Machine Guns defeat Beer Money. Kurt Angle defeats A.J. Styles.

In the main event, Eric Bischoff screws over Rob Van Dam and helps Abyss win the TNA World Heavyweight Title. Hogan, Rob Van Dam and Jarrett try to get to Bischoff and Abyss, but are cut off by "Them." "They" turn out to be Sting, Kevin Nash, Kurt Angle, and Samoa Joe, who, along with Bischoff and Abyss, comprise the new Main Event Mafia.

Aftermath: Next month is "TNA No Surrender 2010". The whole Jeff Hardy vs. Kurt Angle idea sounds reasonable. Throw in Rob Van Dam's rematch with Abyss, and Mr. Anderson vs. Samoa Joe, and TNA will have a good night of professional wrestling.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He gladly recommends Ring of Honor's "The Omega Effect" DVD and Dragon Gate USA's "Fearless" DVD if you're looking to watch some good wrestling tonight.

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