By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of the World Wrestling Entertainment creative team. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a picnic basket from Picnic Time. The exquisitely handcrafted Napa picnic basket, contains wine and cheese for two and was designed for the picnicking elite. The unique, original design is functional as well as elegant. Furnished by Picnic Time. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he heckles senatorial candidate Linda McMahon.

WWE SummerSlam is not only the second biggest show of the year, but also the only major WWE show of the year is Los Angeles. It serves as WWE's opportunity to make contacts with the rest of the entertainment industry. This will be especially important if the company decides to continue welcoming celebrity guests on Raw every Monday night. It is also an opportunity for the creative team to show off its great work to potential future employers. This year, WWE actually has something worth showing off.

The other big story this weekend is the passing of former three-time WWE Tag Team Champion Lance Cade, who died of heart failure at the age of 29. Cade was released from World Wrestling Entertainment in April, after receiving a second chance with the promotion. In related news, former pharmacist J. Michael Bennett was sentenced to four years in prison after being convicted of sending horse steroids to former WWE tag team champion Hardcore Holly and former WWE heavyweight champion Kurt Angle, because Holly and Angle each had sick livestock to tend to or something. Look for former WWE CEO Linda McMahon to address the issue of steroid and drug abuse among WWE's independent contractors in a press conference at 11 AM on Monday, the 10th of Never.

It's time for this month's Wrestling History Lesson. This year's SummerSlam is so packed that there's only one non-title match on the card, and that's the big WWE vs. Nexus confrontation. Believe it or not, WWE used to put midcard grudge matches on its major show. As you may know, the Torch is posting back issues of the Torch Newsletter from twenty years ago. Twenty years ago, the World Wrestling Federation held "SummerSlam 1990" in the old Philadelphia Spectrum. One of the ten matches on the show featured the late "Big Boss Man" Ray Traylor acting as special referee for the grudge bout between Jake "The Snake" Roberts and the late Bad News Brown. Your announcers are Vince McMahon and Roddy Piper. Enjoy some family-friendly WWE programming.



For those of you who missed Friday Night Smackdown, here's the big main event. It was a non-title bout between Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler and Rey Mysterio.



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Matt Striker will be calling the action once again. I am hoping we can get an alternate commentary version of SummerSlam featuring Todd Grishman, Josh Mathews and pre-show host Scott Stanford. On with the show!

Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston (WWE Intercontinental Title): Are there any current WWE fans remaining who haven't seen this matchup? Any at all? Projection? Vickie Guerrero distracts Kofi (again), allowing Dolph to hit the Zig Zag for the victory. WWE didn't have Ziggler finally win the I/C championship to drop it two weeks later

Alicia Fox vs. Melina Perez (WWE Divas Title): Melina has returned to save the Divas division from...okay, maybe not. Projection? Melina screams in Alicia's ear, rupturing Fox's ear drum. This makes Fox easy prey for Melina's Last Call finisher. Melina wins the Divas title for the second time.

Big Show vs. C.M. Punk, Luke Gallows, Joey Mercury and goodness knows who else. (Handicap Match): If you've never seen a handicap match before, you might not know what's about to happen. Projection? Show manages to throw Punk and Gallows out of the ring and breaks his bad hand on Mercury's noggin for the win. We're just marking time until the eventual Big Show vs. Eli Cottonwood feud. Sorry.

Kane vs. Rey Mysterio (Smackdown World Title): When WWE pressed Rey Mysterio into service this summer, they greatly improved the quality of main events on Friday Night Smackdown. Sadly, all good things must come to an end. Projection? Mysterio makes Kane look good for several minutes, before Kane hits the Tombstone to keep the title. Then we get a round of spooky music and Undertaker appears on the Titantron to tell us that Kane was the man who attacked him, and the Dead Man will be showing up on Friday night to confront his half-brother.

Sheamus Farrelly vs. Randall K. Orton (WWE World Heavyweight Title): This is going to be a depressing show unless one of the fan favorites pulls off a big win. In other words, we'll have to do better than having Big Show beat the Straight Edge Society. Projection? Sheamus beats the crap out of Orton for a long, long, time until Randy surprises the Pale Horseman with the RKO. Orton wins the WWE Heavyweight Title for the sixth time. (Really? Six times? Maybe WWE should consider longer title reigns for these fellows.)

John Cena, Bret Hart, Chris Jericho, Edge, John Morrison, R-Truth & (Unknown) vs. Wade Barrett, Justin Gabriel, Michael Tarver, David Otunga, Skip Sheffield, Heath Slater & Darren Young (Elimination Match): It's finally about to happen, as Nexus gets its shot to wrestle on pay-per-view. Maybe we should keep this match simple. Projection? I'll go along with Bruce Mitchell's suggestion and have Evan Bourne be the seventh and final member of Team Raw.

We'll kick this off with Wade Barrett eliminating John Morrison. Cena knocks out Darren Young and lets Bret Hart apply the sharpshooter to Young and make him tap. Bret Hart hits Otunga with a weapon and gets disqualified. Chris Jericho pins Otunga. Justin Gabriel eliminates Edge after Edge misses a spear. Chris Jericho walks out on Team Raw to make it five on three. R-Truth eliminates Michael Tarver. Skip Sheffield eliminates Evan Bourne. Cena makes Heath Slater tap in the STF. Barrett kills R-Truth and it's three-on-one. Cena rallies to eliminate Gabriel and Sheffield. The other members of Nexus come out to jump Cena but Morrison, Bourne, Hart and the other Raw guys run them off. In the confusion, Mike Mizanin runs in and hits Cena with the Skull-Crushing Finale at ringside. Cena is counted out and Wade Barrett is the sole survivor.

Aftermath: The next pay-per-view is "WWE Night of Champions", which happens in five weeks. The show will feature championship matches. I know, what a crazy idea. The main matches should be Randy Orton vs. Sheamus in a rematch, The Hart Dynasty against the Nexus, and Kane defending the belt against the returning Undertaker.
***

Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He's becoming a big fan of Keiland Williams.

We suggest these recent related articles...

McNEILL's Late Night Deadblog - WWE Night of Champions: Bucklebombs, Light-up Jackets, Poachers, IcoPro, Eddie, more!

Night of Gold: McNEILL Previews Night Of Champions 2015 (w/Wrestling History Lesson)

Double Duty: McNEILL previews ROH's All-Star Extravaganza VII pay-per-view!