TNA Impact TV Report
May 13, 2010
Live in Orlando, Fla.
Report by Nick D'Achino, Torch Impact specialist

DETAILED RECAP
　
-The show opened with clips from last Monday's Impact. They showed the face-off between Hogan and Sting, then RVD beating Wolfe, then A.J. Styles attacking him afterward and calling for a title re-match at Sacrifice.

-The TNA Impact opening then aired as Tenay and Taz introduced the show.

-Eric Bischoff made his entrance smiling and doing all of the "I love all of you" gestures like this was 1999 WCW Monday Nitro all over again. That wouldn't be the last connection to Nitro on this show. Anyway, once he got in the ring he said that it had been too long since he stood in the ring, and then said he sincerely loves the fans. He didn't seem to be playing heel or anything. He wasted no time calling out TNA Champion Rob Van Dam.

Van Dam came out to big cheers. Bischoff brought up the TNA website poll. He said they want to know who fans think deserves the title shot at RVD this week. Bischoff said last week, RVD took on Desmond Wolfe. Bischoff said Hardy was also a top name in that poll. He said nothing could be better than a match between RVD and Hardy. He said there's one problem: nobody can find Jeff Hardy. He's not answering calls and nobody knows where he is.

Bischoff said therefore he has no other choice but to give RVD the night off. RVD said he loves being champion, and the best part of being champion is defending the title and proving he's the best. "No off days for me..." RVD said, which is ironic considering one of the main reasons he signed with TNA was the schedule. This got even worse as he said his goal was to "pop ratings." Well by that measuring stick, he is a failure. What happened to becoming the best TNA champion ever? Direction change already, I guess.

-A.J. Styles interrupted and made his entrance. Styles lectured RVD for saying "F'n." He said children are watching and RVD should be more of a role model like he is. Styles said he's in the mood to hurt somebody. He asked if the fans really came to watch RVD. He said they didn't. He said they came to see him. The crowd chanted "RVD! RVD!" He suggested they wrestle tonight, even though he had RVD in three days in Sacrifice. He said he was eager to break RVD's legs so he doesn't have to break a sweat on Sunday when he takes back his TNA Title. At that point, Jeff Hardy's music played, everyone looked shocked, and out came Hardy.

Hardy got on the microphone said he's starting to get confused about what night to show up for Impact, all those darned night and timeslot changes. "Monday Night then Thursday Night, I don't have a secretary telling me what to do or who to meet..." Hardy said. He then said that since he is here that he's ready to wrestle tonight. Styles said there's already a match between RVD and Styles, and told Hardy to hit the road. Hardy suggested a three-way, and Bischoff signed the match. I don't know about everyone else, but could not believe my ears at some of Hardy's lines here. This didn't get Hardy over as an "enigma" as much as it got him over as someone who does not consider TNA a high priority. If this guy is walking around unaware of what day it is, it is probably something he should keep to himself. If he was actually scripted or told to say that, then I am speechless. Either way, this was not good.

[Q2]

-Jeremy Borash interviewed The Beautiful People backstage. Madison Rayne said she's going to prove at Sacrifice that she deserves the Knockout Title. Velvet Sky said all of the gold will remain with The Beautiful People. Lacey Von Erich interrupted after running in place for the whole interview and then ran away saying, "I have to pee."

1 -- TAYLOR WILDE (w/Sarita) vs. TARA

Taz said he's never put his career on the line like Tara did. After a plug for Dixie Carter's Twitter page, Tenay announced that at Sacrifice, Rob Terry will defend the Global Championship against Orlando Jordan, plus Abyss faces Wolfe with the Hogan's ring and Chelsea's "services" for a month at stake. Taz called out Wolfe for a chauvinistic move putting Chelsea's services on the line. Tara missed a flip legdrop into the ring. Wilde dove at Tara off the middle rope. Tara countered with a mid-air kick, and got the pin.

WINNER: Tara at 2:00.

-Tara beat down Wilde with her knee brace afterward. Wilde's partner, Sarita, ran out and made the save.

-They went backstage to Chelsea crying and being consoled by a woman as Wolfe fought off security. No explanation of what this was about as the show went to a commercial.

-Christy Hemme said she just got an explanation that Chelsea had been "attacked," as it was strongly insinuated that it was some kind of sexual assault without actually saying it. Wolfe was in the background yelling that he was going to sue everyone.

2 -- DOUGLAS WILLIAMS vs. BRIAN KENDRICK

Kazarian joined commentary. It was a big chance for him to get himself across, and he did a decent job. Tenay put him over strong. Williams wore the supposedly vacant X Division Title belt to the ring. Apparently TNA can't get it back from him, and never had possession of it to begin with. Williams said Kendrick is both crazy and a loser. He said he hasn't seen him win a match, so he doesn't deserve a shot at the title, therefore it's a non-title match. Who else is for Doug Williams as full-time TNA booker? Williams dominated Kendrick. On commentary, Kaz sympathized with Doug Williams, saying it wasn't fair. Taz pointed out that the belt wasn't that far away, so Kaz decided to go get his belt. Taz encouraged him. Williams saw him coming and grabbed the belt. That gave Kendrick a chance to schoolboy him for the win. A meaningless win for Kendrick, who was dominated for the entire match. Williams immediately grabbed his belt again and left with it. Kaz stared him down.

WINNER: Kendrick at 2:00.

[Q3]

-Backstage, Christy interviewed TNA staff member Pat Kenney backstage. He said he can't believe what he just heard from Chelsea regarding who attacked her. He then walked away.

-Christy said she's heard more details, and if true it will send shockwaves throughout TNA, but police won't let her release the name. This was straight from the WCW playbook, at least the WCW when they began trying to copy Russo WWF playbook. It makes perfect sense when you think about who is putting Impact together. Christy said that the alleged attacker was now in custody, but that was all she could say.

3 -- TNA tag champion MATT MORGAN vs. GENERATION ME (THE YOUNG BUCKS)

Perhaps TNA thinks these Generation Me guys are similar to the Hardy Boys, who were squashed repeatedly their first year in the WWF before being repackaged and becoming huge stars. I do not believe history will repeat itself with TNA's booking. Morgan squashed them from the opening bell, even getting on the microphone and talking during it. He told Hogan the blood shedding would begin. He set one of the Bucks up for the Ringpost Kick Of Doom, but Samoa Joe came out and pulled them away from the ringpost. Joe went after Morgan. Morgan went for the big boot, but Joe moved and then gave him an enziguiri kick. Joe then gave Morgan the Muscle Buster, and Morgan was left lying. Yes, Morgan's streak of dominance was ended in a television ANGLE.

WINNER: No contest in 1:00.

-Kevin Nash, Eric Young, and Scott Hall came out on the stage in street clothes. That Eric Young is a suitable replacement for Sean Waltman. Sure he is. Nash was holding the Feast Or Fired briefcase, which for those who don't remember, he won many months ago in one of those goofy stipulation matches. Tenay admitted he had forgotten all about it. The briefcase contained a title shot, and Nash was cashing it in here. Hall and Nash left Eric Young on the stage while they headed into the ring.

4 -- TNA tag champion MATT & MORGAN vs. KEVIN NASH & SCOTT HALL -- TNA Tag Team Title match

Nash moseyed over to Morgan, got down and covered him for the pinfall. A surprising number of fans popped for it. Putting the tag titles on Hall and Nash in 2010 was going to draw criticism to begin with, but to not even put them over in victory and have them win the titles like this? See more of my detailed thoughts in the Post-Show Thoughts portion of the review below.

WINNERS: Hall & Nash to capture the TNA Tag Team Titles.

[Q4]

5 -- TEAM 3D vs. THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS vs. INK, INC. vs. BEER MONEY INC.

This was a good showcase of TNA's deep tag team division. A lot of quick tags in and out early on. Shelley did a slingshot clothesline onto Roode at ringside. Team 3D attacked their protégé Jesse Neal. Shannon Moore ran over and saved him. Neal knocked Devon out of the ring and then got slapped by Brother Ray. Moore, though, caught Ray with a neckbreaker, which they called the "Mooregasm." Neal then hit a lame looking spear for the win. Moore bled pretty heavily from the earlobe due to an earring mishap.

WINNER: Ink Inc. at 7:30.

-A truly awful segment aired of Ric Flair giving an interview with really bad sound quality. He looked older than he did last time they shot an interview like this with him. You couldn't hear what he was saying and you could hardly read the captions. After further investigation, what Flair predicted was that RVD would have to limp his way to Sacrifice. It is increasingly difficult to watch Flair in TNA every week. Plus, he's either screaming his head off, or talking so low you can't hear him. If you didn't know better, you'd almost think it was intentional sabotage.

-They showed "The Freak" Rob Terry heading toward the entrance tunnel.

-They showed RVD chatting with Hardy backstage in Hardy's locker room in the TNA reaction style camera. It was almost like a private peephole video actually. It seemed like something that would get sold to TMZ. They had subtitles again here, but these were pretty unnecessary. They joked around and talked about what each fans of the other they both were.

[Q5]

-Rob Terry made his entrance to defend his Global Title against Abyss. "American Made" played and Abyss was scheduled to come out next, but instead they showed Abyss being handcuffed backstage. He asked why he was being arrested but the cops said nothing. Christy was trying to pull the police off Abyss. Abyss called for three people: "Dixie!," "Hulk!," and "Vince!" to help him. As the police were about to put him in the police car, Wolfe runs right through the cops and attacks Abyss. Turns out Abyss wasn't even really handcuffed. Could this be any phonier? The cops and security tried to keep Wolfe away. Hogan came on the scene. He walked up to Abyss. Abyss said, "I swear on my life, Hulk, I didn't do this…" despite him supposedly not knowing what he was accused of. Oops. Keep in mind this was a taped show that they had over a week to post-produce.

Abyss said the officers wanted his mask, but he begged them to let him leave it on. He cried and told Hulk to call Dixie. Hulk told him to hold his head up. Hulk took off Abyss's mask, but then put up his hood to shield his identity. Old WCW fans (and really who else is watching TNA at this point), may have recalled this angle from the awful WCW Nitro episode in 1999, where Goldberg was in the place of Abyss, and fans liked the angle so much that Nitro never won again in the ratings after it.

-They went to Tenay and Taz who said they now know the disturbing details. Taz said it is well known that Abyss has "mental problems."

-Back in the ring, Jordan attacked Terry from behind. Jordan was wearing pink ring gear. Jordan gave Terry a low blow held his hand there for a while. He then hit Terry in the back with a lead pipe. He finished by setting a Wild card on Terry's back, then throwing the rest of the deck at him. The crowd didn't seem to care at all about this as the show went to a commercial break.

-Jordan stood in the ring after the break and said, "I think it's about time we cut the foreplay." In an ode to his old WWE theme music, he said he does what he wants to, says what he wants to, and acts how he wants to "because I am the TNA Wild Card." He said if the fans want him to leave, then let him fulfill their every fantasy. He called anyone from the back to force him out of the ring. Tyson Tomko, who was last seen getting squashed by Rob Terry, came out to accept the challenge.

6 -- ORLANDO JORDAN vs. TYSON TOMKO

Tomko is still employed? I was certain he was done after he was squashed by Rob Terry weeks back. He is not in good physical shape at this point. He gave Jordan a spinebuster and went for a "ground and pound" style attack. Jordan slipped away and swept Tomko to the mat. Taz touted Jordan's amateur wrestling skills and boxing background. Not sure Jordan is the right fit for the MMA-style wrestler unless of course they are trying to make a point about MMA. Tomko picked up Jordan for a gorilla press slam, but Jordan fired back with a high dropkick. Jordan countered another Tomko slam attempt with a guillotine choke for the win. There was no tap out. Referee Earl Hebner decided to stop the match because Tomko was supposedly choked out but he looked fine.

WINNER: Jordan at 3:00 via referee stoppage.

STAR RATING: * - Of all the matches to do MMA style, they choose this? Again, I'm sure it was not by accident.

[Q6]

-Hogan was backstage talking to himself, saying that he knows Abyss isn't "that" kind of guy. Lacey Von Erich presented Hogan with an iPhone containing proof that Abyss was innocent. She announced she had to go to the bathroom earlier in the show, if you recall.

-Bischoff came out and ordered Tara to wrestle again in a Knockouts match, to punish Tara as well as the viewing audience. He said her attitude lately is "piss poor." He said she's now disrespecting her opponents and the referee earlier. Bischoff said he was tired of her and didn't want to hear another word. She stormed to the back.

7 -- SARITA vs. TARA

They brawled on the ramp early on. Sarita went to rip off Tara's monstrous knee brace. The ref tried to stop this, but Sarita swung her arms back and "accidentally" hit the ref. Tara then hit Sarita with a knee brace to the head for the win. The crowd chanted Tara's name, which captures how poorly the "heel Tara" angle is getting over.

WINNER: Tara at 3:00.

-A video package aired previewing the Sting vs. Jeff Jarrett match. Jarrett talked about Sting always having a strong moral base. The video showed Sting attacking everyone with his bat. Jarrett questioned Sting for turning to the dark side after 20 years as a babyface. I was waiting for some kind of explanation about how Jarrett now feels after finally hearing "answers" from Sting, or how he feels about Sting's problem only being with Hogan, but there was none. This feud has zero momentum going into the pay-per-view.

[Q7]

-The ring intros for Jeff Hardy and A.J. Styles took place. RVD talked to the Reaction-style camera backstage as he walked to the ring.

8 -- TNA World Hvt. champion ROB VAN DAM vs. JEFF HARDY vs. A.J. STYLES

Hardy kicked RVD in a swerve to start out, and RVD retreated to the outside floor. Styles applied the figure-four on RVD at 3:00. Hardy broke it up. Hardy climbed to the top rope, but Styles popped up and crotched Hardy, causing him to fall to the floor. Mr. Anderson showed up at ringside and attacked Hardy. RVD went for the top rope kick, but the ref got in the way and went down. RVD kicked Anderson at ringside, giving Styles a chance to recover. Styles then flip dove onto Hardy, RVD, and Anderson at ringside at 4:00. Styles hit a DDT on RVD on the outside floor, then rolled him back in the ring. He covered RVD and pushed off the bottom rope with his feet on the ropes and scored the pin.

WINNER: Styles at 5:00.

STAR RATING: ** -- Way too short. I also don't think beating your champion, however it is done, adds anything to an upcoming title defense that weekend.

[Q8]

-Hardy, of all people, referred to Mr. Anderson a "circus clown without the make-up." Hardy dared Anderson to come into the ring. Anderson teased heading to the ring, then went "psyche" and began to walk back. Hogan walked out onto the stage, though. Anderson did the slow turn of dread. Hogan crossed his arms and shook his head dismissively at Anderson. Anderson tried to talk his way out of it, then turned and took a big swing at Hogan. Hogan turned his head, intercepted it, and then punched Anderson off. The reflexes this man has, at his advanced age, is nothing short of incredible. Hardy finished the job from there.

-Back from the break, Anderson had the advantage on Hardy at ringside. Tenay said they're about to show the viewers the secret footage of what happened between Abyss and Chelsea. Hardy, meanwhile, fought back against Anderson and set him on a table next to the stage. Hardy then climbed onto the announce table. He took off his shirt and then flip dove onto Anderson, smashing him through the table. The crowd chanted, "TNA! TNA!" They replayed the dive several times.

-They showed footage in the women's bathroom of Wolfe ripping apart Chelsea's dress and making her look like she had been sexually assaulted. Chelsea said she was scared to do this. She rehearsed the whole thing, and said, "Let's do it!"

-A lengthy video package aired hyping the PPV, highlighting the main event between Styles and Van Dam. This was really well done, and I would have preferred the show ended with this instead of…

-A music video then began showcasing all of the other matches on the show. It featured various clips from the past few weeks of Impact, including the infamous one of Orlando Jordan squirting white stuff on his chest. Apart from that little bit, this was also well done.

POST-SHOW THOUGHTS

-I thought the entire two hours of this edition of Impact felt incredibly uninspired, which is what you get when it seems that everyone involved in the creative process is void of a real vision for where TNA is going from week to week. TNA's only ideas seem to come from rehashing failed ones from a decade ago.

The creative minds in TNA have been criticized for seemingly being obsessed with trying to re-create their past successes by repeating them over and over. This show featured TNA repeating past failures over and over. Relying on guys like Hogan, Flair, Hall, and Nash to get ratings worked at one point. Contrived angles about alleged sexual assault never worked.

-Since Rob Van Dam's title win, there appears to be less of a Hogan or Bischoff influence with each passing week. Putting the tag titles on Hall and Nash in 2010 was going to draw criticism to begin with, but to not even put them over in victory and have them win the titles like they did? I'm sure in some twisted logic, TNA creative thinks that because they didn't actually win a real match, that makes it OKAY for them to have the titles because they really didn't beat anyone. Of course, that then does absolutely nothing for the value of the tag titles or the team holding them. From Jeff Hardy's promo, to showing Ric Flair the way they did, to the over-reliance on skits that pushed the bounds of the acting skills of their wrestlers, TNA showcased the absolute worst of its roster on this Impact.

-This promotion has tried everything from different networks, to different timeslots, to different nights of the week, to different shaped rings, yet they will not change actual WRITER of the show. It truly boggles the mind.

WHAT WORKED

-After much thought, I realized that I didn't find one thing TNA did on this Impact to be especially entertaining or effective. The Anderson-Hardy angle was fine, and the music video at the end was good. In general, though, the pay-per-view build up, which should be the main point of this show, fell totally flat in my opinion.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

Subtitles. When TNA first used this production element, I thought it was a one-time thing. Piece of advice for TNA: if you film something where it is so hard to hear that subtitles are needed, re-shoot it, or don't use it!

Sting’s character. Sting’s character has been "shades of gray" galore, and it doesn't really seem to be doing Sting or his feud with Jarrett and Hogan any good in the meantime.

Abyss & Chelsea false assault accusation angle. TNA decided to copy a past WCW failure from one the single most destructive Nitros ever in 1999. They did the exact same false rape accusation and arrest angle with Goldberg on the January 4, 1999 Nitro a/k/a The Fingerpoke Of Doom, and it all went over so well that Nitro never won in the ratings again. So, naturally, this is what they assumed everyone was waiting to see re-done. The time just hasn't been right, but with the Lawrence Taylor scandal in the news, they decided to pull the trigger on this classic.

Too many matches, too little time. I'm sure TNA creative is well aware that good wrestling matches tell a story, so I'm always confused when they use the three-to-five-minute match length limit formula.

Thanks to everyone who has given me feedback on my Impact reports. As always, let me know what you thought with an email to nick.dachino@yahoo.com. Thanks for reading.

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