By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor

Where We've Been: The PPV was good, but most of the undercard under-delivered. The main event was a bit of a mess too, but a bunch of very strong semi-main events made the show worthwhile. Beer Money vs. The Guns in particular stole the show.


The Show: They're Here?

We start off with the new top 10.
10: Rob Terry
9: The Pope
8: Kurt Angle
7: Hernandez
6: AJ Styles
5: Jay Lethal
4: Samoa Joe
3: Mr. Anderson
2: Jeff Hardy
1: Abyss

I...am...so...annoyed...right...now... Okay, for these rankings to mean anything, there shouldn't be random inexplicable jumping to the number one spot (which is, after all, the only one that matters). Last month, Jeff Hardy was ahead of Abyss. Jeff Hardy always polls significantly ahead of Abyss in the viewers' poll. In their one-on-one match, Jeff Hardy pinned Abyss in just a few minutes. In fact, the only match Hardy lost in the past month was one where he didn't get pinned, and which Abyss also lost. There is simply no f'ing reason for Abyss to be number one—either within continuity or outside of it. (Outside of continuity, my objection is of course that Abyss plot-lines have, pretty much without exception, all sucked). Anyhow, rant over (for now).

Here's Abyss with his new weapon and a side of beef. Great. He informs RVD that they have a plan for him that involves Abyss's new weapon, and that they have a plan for him like nothing he's ever seen before. Tonight, a little later, Abyss is going to share that plan, but for now he's waiting for final instructions. In the meanwhile, he's named his nail-laden two-by-four Janice. The crowd is trying really hard to figure out what their reaction is supposed to be. Abyss uses Janice to tenderize the beef. That should raise its value some. Taz tells me that it's a Texas Chainsaw Massacre reference, but I've never seen it. The crowd settles on chanting for RVD. Before the end of the night RVD will find out what a bitch Abyss's girl is. Taz says he doesn't know how to respond to this. I have several ideas.

Taylor Wilde and Sarita are still fighting backstage. Tenay says that we've seen the issues between these two come to the surface, which would imply that there are some sort of issues. Later tonight these two will be meeting in a street fight. Sarita informs Wilde that she's always been better than her, and everyone knows it. It's close, but I think she's right. Wilde swing a chair, but Sarita ducks it and throws Wilde down in the general vicinity of some lighting. She cinches in a Fujiwara Arm Bar.

[Commercial Break]

(1)SARITA vs. TAYLOR WILDE
Street Fight

Wilde and Sarita have fought to the Impact Zone, where a bell rings. Wilde tosses Sarita over the guard rail, then follows her over and hits her with a steel chair. Sarita spits some water in Wilde's face and then ducks under the ring. She sneaks up behind Wilde and knocks her down. We're told that Beer Money will have a best of five series against the Guns. Neat. Sarita pulls up the concrete, but before she can slam Wilde onto it Wilde plants her face on the padding. Sarita gets up firing, so Wilde drives her into the apron and chops her chest. Sarita slips onto the apron, but when she tries to come off it with a Cross Body Block Wilde tosses the chair into her gut. Taylor shoves her into a ring post, then dropkicks her over the barricade. Sarita grabs a purse from someone at ringside and chokes Wilde against the barricade. Andrew Thomas rules that she's gone.

WINNER: Sarita by knockout in four minutes (plus pre-match brawling starting 7 minutes earlier).

RVD is striding backstage, pointing out that he doesn't get intimidated easily. He says that Abyss better be ready to use that weapon. In fact, RVD will see if he's ready to use it tonight.

[Commercial Break]

Ms. Tessmacher is yelling at someone over the phone. Nash comes in, still looking for Bischoff and Hogan. She says that they had a last minute thing come up. She asks if there's anything she can help him with, and he grudgingly says no. He starts to leave, but then comes up to her. He says to pencil him in at 10—he promises he'll be the last meeting of the night. At least I think that's what he said—the sound was really bad.

(2)DOUGLAS WILLIAMS vs. BRIAN KENDRICK
Non-title "I Quit" Match

I wonder if the quick finish on Sunday was unplanned, and that this is the make-good match. Kendrick starts things off with some low round kicks. Williams shoves him off, then hits a knee lift. Kendrick goes right for Cobra Clutch, but Williams fights him off. Williams catches a kick and kicks Kendrick in the quad. He cinches in a face wrench. Kendrick yanks him into the corner and unloads with more round kicks. Williams comes back with elbows, and takes Kendrick down in the corner. Williams looks for a Body Slam, but Kendrick floats over and gets the Cobra Clutch. Williams backs him into the corner for the break. Kendrick knocks him down and chokes him with his boot. Williams quickly turns things around with a catapult into the canvas and locks in a Single Leg Boston Crab. Kendrick gets the rope break. Williams hits a high knee in the corner. He follows up with a series of Suplexes—a Vertical, a Gut Wrench, and an Exploder. Williams puts on a glove and hits a European Uppercut. Kendrick fights back with some forearms and a sort of leaping sidekick. He hits it again, then a dropkick. He hits a dropkick off the top rope. Kendrick goes for the Cobra Clutch, but Williams somehow gets behind him (in a move that just defies physics). Kendrick blocks an attempt at the Chaos Theory, then slips behind Williams and locks in the Cobra Clutch. Williams quits.

WINNER: Brian Kendrick in five minutes. I like both of these guys, but they really seem to have exactly no chemistry.

Kevin Nash's music hits. He comes down to the ring and calls for a mic. Kendrick complains that Nash is cutting into his celebration time, so Nash puts down the mic, Choke Slams Kendrick, then picks back up the mic. He says that he's so tired of Hogan and Bischoff dodging him. He can't get TV time here? He'll tell us something now—when he dies, he'll never be replaced. He's six feet tall and built like a god—Ms. Tessmacher will get more details in a minute. He's a living legend. If he can't get their attention himself, then maybe he can do it by taking out some of their young boys. He sets up for a Jackknife on Kendrick when Jarrett's music hits. Jarrett rushes to the ring as Kendrick scatters. Jarrett says that the last thing they need is for Nash to follow the path of Sting and get himself suspended. Nash has an issue with them just like Sting did, but it's not about them anymore. You just have to look at who they're getting behind in Jay Lethal to see how things have changed. Nash says that he doesn't see what Lethal has to do with him getting Bischoff's attention. Jarrett says that that means it's business as usual for Nash—he wants everyone's attention. He's a glory-hound, and he always has been. He's also an egotistical son of a bitch. Nash says that there are people who call him the greatest worker in the business—he always gets his way, and he always gets his money. He's not sure he buys what Jarrett's selling, since he doesn't see why Jeff would stick up for Hogan and Bischoff. But if Jarrett wants a problem with Nash, he's got it. They'll just have to see who gets their way.

[Commercial Break]

Nash wants to ask something. It was Jeff's company, but these guys came out and sent him home, yet Jeff is sticking up for them. All of a sudden 2 + 2 equals 5? Well, he's probably one of the smartest guys in the company, and about 10 he'll have all the answers he needs.

(3)DESMOND WOLFE vs. ROB TERRY vs. SAMOA JOE

Come to think of it, why did Rob Terry get on the rankings for losing on Sunday? Terry feeds Wolfe to Joe, who unloads with jabs. Brutus Magnus hits the commentary booth to announce that he's back. Terry and Joe ping-pong Wolfe between then, then kick him out of the ring. They square off in the middle of the ring. Terry catches a leg, but Joe rolls through into a leg bar. That was impressive. Wolfe breaks up the hold. Joe attacks him with some chops before Wolfe takes him down with an arm wrench. Joe goes for a breather, and Wolfe starts working over Terry's leg in the ropes. Terry shoves him back, so Wolfe hits his running forearm. Joe comes into the ring, but Wolfe falls to the mat and yanks him out between the ropes. Wolfe goes back to working Terry's leg. On his second spinning toe hold Terry kicks him off, and he happens to ram Joe on the apron. Terry comes back with clotheslines and a Back Body Drop. He "hits" his high spin kick (or comes within a good eight inches of doing so), but doesn't get to celebrate long before Joe takes him out with a kick off the middle rope. Joe locks in the Kokido Clutch on Wolfe, and that's it.

WINNER: Samoa Joe in five minutes. There's no shame in losing to the once-again-cool Samoa Joe, but do they really have to treat Wolfe as a complete jobber?

[Commercial Break]

Ric Flair says that if we're watching TNA this moment, we should be aware that once again tonight Ric Flair will make an announcement that'll start history and make TNA bigger and bigger. He can do that cause he's Ric Flair.

(4)BEER MONEY INC. vs. THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS
Ladder Match, 1st of Best of 5 Series

I don't know if this is ultimately for the titles, since they haven't said. Above the ring is a contract that lets you pick the stip for the next match in the series. Storm tosses Sabin as Roode works over Shelley in the corner. Shelley gets a bit of distance, but can't beat the double team. Storm and Roode go for the Beer Money Suplex, but Sabin catches Shelley. They shove Roode and Storm from the ring and then follow them out with stereo Suicide Dives. Sabin brings a ladder into the ring and starts to climb. Shelley successfully plays defense for a second, but then Storm slips past him and yanks Sabin down. Storm sets up the ladder in the corner. Shelley takes him down, and then they hit a Wishbone Split on Roode. They whip Roode into the ladder, take turns splashing him, but then whiff on a back elbow variant of Poetry in Motion, causing Sabin to eat steel. Roode gets an Inverted Atomic Drop on Shelley, Storm knocks him down, and Roode nails him with a knee drop. Storm shifts the ladder so that the edge is facing the ring, and they crotch Sabin on it. Roode holds Shelley while Storm sets up the ladder and starts to climb, but Shelley escapes with a jawbreaker and yanks Storm down. Roode dropkicks the ladder into Shelley. Shelley fights back, but then Storm drives the ladder into him. Storm gets a second ladder as Roode lays the first across Shelley—they smash one ladder into the other. They try to ram Shelley again, but he ducks beneath it and Sabin takes it back into them with a slingshot dropkick. Shelley jumps onto the ladder onto both members of Beer Money. Sabin pins Storm against the corner with the ladder. He tries to run up the ladder into Storm. He misses the run, but still nails a knee. He then turns right into a clothesline from Roode that flips him all the way around. Roode sets up a ladder and starts to climb, but Shelley comes up behind him with another ladder and whacks his back. Shelley uses the second ladder to bridge between the first and the bottom rope. Roode tries to suplex him into it, but instead Sabin drives Roode's face into it. Storm yanks Sabin out of the ring as Shelley tries to climb. Storm sneaks in, shoves the ladder, and Back Stabs Shelley on the rebound. For some reason Storm lays the ladder down in the ring—my guess is that it was supposed to fall after he shoved it a second ago. He sets up Sabin for a Superplex onto the ladder, but Sabin knocks him down and into a Tree of Woe. Shelley moves the ladder to right in front of Storm's face, and Sabin hits a Hesitation Dropkick into the ladder into Storm's face. Actually I think he really kicked it straight down, but given the danger involved in that move I'm much happier with them erring on the side of caution. Shelley goes to the outside for another ladder while Roode nails a Tilt-a-Whirl Back Breaker on Sabin. Shelley has another bridge set up outside the ring, from the apron to the barricade. He tries to Back Body Drop Roode into it, but Roode lands on the apron. Sabin dropkicks him the rest of the way onto the ladder. Shelley goes out to the apron and runs over Roode to Cross Body Block Storm. Sabin hits a Springboard Splash on Roode on the ladder. Holy shit. The crowd chants for TNA. Storm is back up. He tries to whip Shelley into the ladder bridge. Shelley slides beneath it, but Storm shoves it after him. In the ring, Sabin is climbing. Storm starts to climb the other side. They meet at the top and start punching. Roode and Shelley are back in the ring. Shelley shoves Roode into the ladder, which starts to fall. Both Storm and Sabin catch themselves on the top rope, but Shelley shoves Storm out of the ring and so only Sabin makes it back. That would have been a great finish, but Sabin's still not in reach, so we're still going. Roode shoves Shelley out of the ring, and referee Brian Hebner gets knocked out with him. Roode is now opposite Sabin, and they're brawling. Sabin drives Roode's head into the ladder and grabs the contract, but the ref is down. Storm comes up behind Sabin and plasters the back of his head with a beer bottle. He takes the contract, and that's what Earl Hebner sees when he gets out.

WINNER: Beer Money in 10 minutes. Remember when Smackdown ran out of ideas, so they just had Angle and He Who Shall Not be Named fight every week, and no one really minded? That would be an awesome thing for TNA to rip off. (I mean without a double murderer involved).

Abyss is crushing a watermelon with Janice. You know what I've always thought Impact needed? More Gallagher.

[Commercial Break]

(5)"THE POPE" D'ANGELO DINERO vs. MATT MORGAN

Remember that other time Smackdown ran out of ideas so they just filled the two hours with matches? That could work here too. Morgan makes fun of Pope's height. Pope goes for a quick Code Breaker, but Morgan shoves him off. He gets the crowd to chant for a DDE, but just barely. Pope lays in with a series of elbows and a low dropkick, but Morgan goozles him and shoves him into the corner. He lays in with his series of back elbows. Morgan looks for a Power Slam, but Pope slips out and dropkicks him into the ropes. He starts to run for The Coronation. Morgan gets up swinging, but Pope ducks below the attempted clothesline and nails the Code Breaker for the win. Oh, I guess we're calling that the DDE now.

WINNER: The Pope in two minutes.

After the match Morgan pops Pope from behind. He hits a Fall Away Slam, followed by a Carbon Footprint. Pope rolls out of the ring. Morgan sets him up against the ring post for the kill-shot, when the save is made by...Mr. Anderson? That actually makes a lot of sense. Anderson shoves Pope back into the ring and signals that they'll beat him down together. Morgan looks down at Pope, and that's what Anderson was waiting for—he unloads on Morgan. Morgan storms off angrily. Anderson again motions as if he's going to whack Pope with the chair, but instead he offers him a hand. Pope gives him a nod instead.

Lacey Von Erich is telling Velvet Sky to calm down, since Madison is one of them. Sky says that she's not one of them, since she ignored them for weeks and then brought a fourth member in without even asking them. Von Erich says that they owe it to her to hear Rayne out. Sky says that she'll hear what Rayne has to say, then add the exclamation point with a boot up her ass.

Jay Lethal vs. Jeff Hardy is still to come.

[Commercial Break]

Madison Rayne is in the ring with a mic. She's here to formally protest the decision made by Andrew Thomas at Victory Road, when he stripped her of her Knockouts Championship. The stipulation of that match clearly stated that if either member of the Beautiful People—Velvet or Lacey—interfered, she would be disqualified, and Love would be granted her title. That didn't happen. She's demanding that within seven days that decision be reversed and she get rewarded her title, or she'll sue TNA for everything it's worth. I'm not really sure why she's the heel here, as the beef seems legit. Velvet Sky and Lacey Von Erich hit the ring. Sky wants to know what makes Rayne think she can bring someone into their group without approval and without letting them know first. Rayne tells her to relax, since she's clearly been taking her dumb blond pills. Should I point out that she's clearly not really blond? Anyway, Rayne did what she had to do. Sky responds that Rayne's clearly been taking her dumb blond pills too. I give up. Sky says that this is bigger than Sunday anyway. Rayne said that she didn't need them. How does she explain that? Rayne tells "Vel Vel" it's easy: "I don't need you—which of those four words don't you understand?" That's a good line. Sky suggests Rayne understand when she kicks her ass. Love comes out before that can happen. She says that she's not sure which is worse—the acting in The Hills or the acting in the ring. I question TNA's understanding of their demographics. Does Sky really believe Love is buying any of this? It was clearly Sky on the motorcycle. Sky says that she's never been more insulted—the woman on the motorcycle had a big ass, so it clearly couldn't have been her. If Love's not buying that, here's something she can believe—the bitch in the ring is all hers. Sky storms off. Von Erich, selling a really good confused puppy look, follows her. Rayne invites Love into the ring, telling her to get her hands off the belt. Love joins her, asking if baby wants her belt back. She suggests Rayne try to take it. Rayne pops her, and Love takes her down with a a Lou Thesz Press and starts pounding. The motorcycle woman comes down (from the side opposite where Sky left) and pulls Love off, then chokes her in the corner. Von Erich is still visible in the opposite entrance. Rayne nails Love with a DDT onto a chair, then rides off with her new buddy. I wonder if they're hoping to kill enough time with the woman being masked to have it turn out to have been Mickie James "all along". It would make sense of the random new emphasis on DDTs.

Jeff Hardy's a big fan of Jay Lethal. He and Flair tore the house down, and Lethal proved he could beat Ric Flair. But the question tonight is whether he can beat Jeff Hardy.

[Commercial Break]

(6)JAY LETHAL vs. JEFF HARDY

Hardy starts things off with a shoulder block. Lethal tries to flip him over, but Hardy jumps on his legs for two. Lethal elevates Hardy up with a Cross Body Block. Hardy lands on the apron, but Lethal takes him down with a Jericho style Springboard Dropkick. He follows Hardy out with a Suicide Dive. The ECW 4 hit the crowd as Lethal takes Hardy back into the ring for a one count. Hardy tries to surprise Lethal with a Twist of Fate, but Lethal takes him down with an Arm Drag and cartwheels into a dropkick for two. Hardy reverses a whip in the corner. Lethal floats over, but then runs into a back elbow and Whisper in the Wind. Both men get up firing. Hardy takes control with a Flashback. He follows up with an Inverted Atomic Drop and boots to Lethal's midsection. He dropkicks a sitting Lethal for a long two count. Lethal rolls into the corner. Hardy goes for his delayed dropkick, but Legal kicks him back with both legs. A Springboard Dropkick from the apron gets two. We're informed that Beer Money have called for a Street Fight next week. Lethal hits the first half of the Lethal Combo, but Hardy bounces back with a Twist of Fate out of nowhere. Hardy nails a Swanton for the kill.

WINNER: Jeff Hardy in 3 minutes. I'm not sure why they're doing more to convince me that he should have been #1 contender. I'm also not sure why this was the second shortest match thus far, since these two seem to work really well together.

Abyss is heading towards the Impact Zone with Janice.

[Commercial Break]

Ric Flair is being joined in the ring by AJ and Kazarian. They're here to talk about the first two members of Fortune. He always knew AJ had it, and Kazarian is a movie star. Those two seem to be buddies tonight. Wolfe storms to the ring. He knows that we Americans don't like to give the English credit for anything, but if anyone deserves to be in Fortune after Victory Road, it's him—not these two wankers. Flair tries to ignore him, but Wolfe grabs his lapels and tells "sunshine" to listen when he's talking. Flair instructs him not to put his hands on a deity, but before it can go any farther Abyss's music hits. He runs down to the ring, and everyone scatters. The crowd chants for RVD, and that's who Abyss wants to see as well. RVD is happy to oblige, but right as he gets into the ring Abyss signals that he has more to say. It's time for him to reveal "their" plans. He's said it before, and he'll reiterate it here tonight. Very soon, "they" will get here, and when they do, "they" are taking over. There's nothing that Dixie Carter or any of us ignorant sheep can do about it. "They" have instructed Abyss to continue paving the way for "them", and "they" have instructed him to do it by taking that title. "They" have laid out a blueprint for him. He suggests they hang Janice 15 feet above the ring and proceed to have the most extreme match in the history of professional wrestling. They're going to use ladders, chairs, tacks, barbed wire—whatever they want. They do remember that there've been matches with exploding rings, right? But his girl Janice told him that she wants a piece of RVD's ass. The only question is when and where, but how about Abyss and RVD get extreme? RVD knows what this title means, to everyone, and not just to him. So he'll try not to take this personally. What RVD really likes about being champ are the standards he gets to face when he faces a monster like Abyss. He pops Abyss with belt and dropkicks his leg out from under him. He lays in with some knees. Abyss gets back up, so he takes him back down with a Spinning Wheel Kick. He gets some mounted punches on Abyss, but the monster shoves him off and nails a Choke Slam. On the entrance is...Mick Foley? I was just wondering whether he was due back. While he looks on the ECW 4 jump the guardrail and attack Abyss. Security guards run down to make the save, but it doesn't go well for them. A couple random wrestlers run down, but they get eaten too. Wolfe and Kendrick get themselves beaten back to? Is that D-Lo Brown? And Al Snow? Apparently they're TNA Management now. Al Snow and D-Lo turn though, helping out the ECW folk. Morgan, Lethal and Devon come down, and RVD comes back. It's hard to follow who's on what side, but it's pretty clear Devon's with ECW, as is Rob. Jarrett runs down the ramp, but doesn't enter the ring. Dixie Carter yells from ringside that they need to stop--"I invited them". Oddly enough, everyone in the ring looks confused.


Where We're Going: I don't know if TNA shamelessly ripped of WWE or just got really unlucky that their Invasion storyline comes a month after Raw's. Given how far ahead they tend to book, my guess is it's the latter actually. The end of tonight's show was amazingly confusing, but I think that was the intended effect. I'm more interested to see next week's Impact than I have been in months, but that is not the same as being excited—it's more akin I think to the people who tune in to NASCAR to see if there've been any horrific accidents. That being said, getting Mick Foley back on TV as a counter-weight to Hogan is a great move, particularly if he has RVD at his back. Since at some point Bischoff is bound to break off, this has the potential to get really convoluted, but maybe it won't. Thankfully this is TNA, so I can be reasonably confident that things will all be clear next week when they completely fail to resolve any plot-lines.

Star of the Night: Rather than pick a person, I think I have to go with the whole tag team division.

Overall: There was a lot of good action tonight, but it's really hard for me to get over my continual aggravation with respect to the non-nonsensical rankings. It would be one thing if they didn't have the fan voting, but with that as a factor the illogical placement of Abyss at #1 Contender just seems personally insulting. Since the end was a cliff-hanger, it's hard to know what to make of it. I'm giving it a tentative thumbs up, since it did raise my interest for next week, but I fully expect to have to ret-con that down after next week's show. As to the show as a whole, I'm torn. With a hot ending and more Machine Guns awesomeness, I can't give it a bad grade, but with the really just awful ranking update and first segment I can't give it a good grade either. Let's just call it a B?

Daniel is a graduate instructor at The Ohio State University. Suggestions for what the hell TNA is thinking with these rankings can be sent to dawilk316@gmail.com.

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