KELLER'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT
MAY 22, 2010
OTTAWA, ONT.
AIRED ON MY NETWORK TV

[Q1]

-A video package aired on Big Show destroying some of Jack Swagger's trophies last week. After the Smackdown opening, Todd Grisham and Matt Striker introduced the show. They hyped Kofi Kingston vs. Swagger and Big Show vs. Drew McIntrye, whom Grisham called one of the most controversial champions in years.

-In the ring C.M. Punk, Serena, and Luke Gallows stood with three twentysomething men on stools in the ring. They took turns talking about what S.E.S. can do to extinguish the flames of their addictions and weaknesses. Serena said those young men sitting there represent the decay and deterioration of this country. She said they are there to heal them. Punk asked everyone to reach for the sky with their right hands with their left hands on their hearts. Punk said this pledge erases their weaknesses and mistakes. "This pledge makes you better than everybody," he said. He then followed with the Pledge of Allegiance to the Straight Edge Society. "Let the healing begin!" he said. Then out came the clippers and the three men closed teir eyes and leaned abck as their heads were shaved. The fans began chanting "619! 619!"

Rey walked onto the stage and asked if they thought this was funny. He said they look terrible. He then said everyone will be laughing when Punk "looks like this." He pointed at the big screen and showed an image of Punk bald. Some fans laughed and Punk threw a bit of a fit as Rey's music played. These S.E.S. segments seem to go a little too long.

[Q2] [c]

1 -- KELLY KELLY & TIFFANY vs. LAYLA & MICHELLE MCCOOL

Striker: "Kelly Kelly must be a parking ticket. She has fine written all over her." He admitted it was bad and thanked Jerry Lawler for it. He said Tiffany is an animal-lover and works with PITA. He said he loves animals, too, because "they're delicious." When Kelly did a top rope dive, Grisham said she was a blond bombshell. When Striker groaned, he said it was better than his line about the fine. McCool finished Kelly with the Faith Breaker. LayCool were announced as the "self-professed WWE Womens' Champions." Grisham said: "They are BFF - Beautiful, Famous, and Flawless." Striker then began singing the lyrics: "You're not enough for me."

WINNERS: LayCool in 2:00.

-Big Show cut a promo backstage regarding Swagger's accolades. He threw to footage of Show KO'ing Swagger three weeks ago. He said that is just one of his many accomplishments. [c]

[Q3]

2 -- J.T.G. vs. "DUDE BUSTER" CAYLEN CROFT (w/Trent Barreta)

A sound bite aired with the Dude Busters annoying (intentionally) saying they "bust dudes up." Grisham said Trent told Caylen to hurry up and win so he can go home, sit on his beanbag chair, and eat his pistachios. It's still not clear where they're going with J.T.G., but he's showing some charisma and energy as he tries to figure out where he fits in as a singles wrestler.

WINNER: J.T.G. in 2:00.

-Vickie Guerrero spoke to Christian regarding the return of "The Peep Show." She said she is an official consultant on Smackdown. She suggested she could be his first guest. Christian said he actually wants people to watch the show. He said the readers have sent in requests, but didn't even break the top 100. She asked who is on his list. He named Bret Hart, The Mountie ("He's huge in these parts."), Brooklyn Brawler, Jared from Subway, and Lester who loves chicken. Vickie wanted to know who was number one. He wouldn't tell her, but he did say he and his guest tonight "have never seen eye-to-eye." Hornswoggle? Great Khali? [c]

3 -- CURT HAWKINS & VANCE ARCHER vs. BRENT ROBERTS & JEREMY BARNER

Striker said Roberts and b=Barner look like Milli Vanilli and Ryan Seacrest. Grisham said G.M. Teddy Long have signed Archer and Hawkins to a 30 day contract during which they must make an impact. Striker said Archer has all the makings of being one of the best big men in WWE at 6-8. He said Hawkins has called Archier unstoppable. Afterward, Archer and Hawkins talked about having 22 days left to make an impact. Hawkins said they're going to do it whether you like it or not.

WINNERS: Hawkins & Archer in 2:00.

-Back to Big Show, he talked more about Swagger's accomplishments. Show added that he was a waltz ballroom dancing champion, too. "Weird," he said. "But did you know two weeks ago I chokeslammed Jack Swagger through an announce table?" The clip aired. Then he smiled and said, "That was impressive. That was one of my many accomplishments."

-They showed Swagger heading toward the entrance tunnel. [c]

[Q4]

-They showed a screen capture of WWE.com's list of the Top 25 Big Men Ever. It's fine for WWE to exaggerate, but for the record they had a totally faked height chart built into the background with Andre the Giant, Great Khali, and Big Show all listed above 7-0. Khali may be, the others are not.

-Jack Swagger walked to the ring. He told Show that he disrespected him last week, all of his accomplishments, his state of Oklahoma, "and my daddy." He said he also disrespected the World Championship itself. "So this Sunday I'm going to disrespect you." He said when it's all said and done and the dust settles, the ring announcer will announce that the All-American American American American, Jack Swagger, is still World Heavyweight Champion.

4 -- JACK SWAGGER vs. KOFI KINGSTON

Swagger got frustrated early and reacted aggressively. Kingston held even and then clotheslined Swagger over the top rope to the floor. That prompted a commercial break at 1:00. [c] Kofi dove over the top rope at ringside but Swagger caught him. Swagger compared it to a venus flytrap. He threw Kofi into the ringpost. A couple minutes later, after Swagger controlled Kofi on the mat, Kofi teased a comeback and climbed to the top rope. Swagger kicked Kofi on the inner-thigh as he flew off the ropes. The announcers encouraged viewers to watch closely to see if Swagger's boot hit Kofi in the, uh, privates.

[Q5]

Kofi turned the tide with a DDT off the ropes. Both men were slow to get up. Swagger stayed in control through 9:00. Kofi came back with a flurry at 10:00 and went into his finishing sequence, but Swagger ducked Trouble in Paradise. Kofi did hit a Russian leg sweep, but as he danced, Swagger recovered and knocked him down with a boot to the face (which showed some light). As Swagger made the cover, Big Show walked out and said, "Jack! Jack! Jack! I got one more thing I've gotta tell you. Seriously!" Swagger tossed Kingston to the floor and looked at Show. Kofi flew back into the ring with a springboard bodyvblock and scored the pin. Show then told Swagger the other piece of information for him is "Kofi just beat you." The big screen displayed those words.

WINNER: Kingston in 12:00.

STAR RATING: **1/2 -- Good match.

-Grisham and Striker plugged Punk & Gallows vs. MVP & Rey and McIntyre vs. Show for the first time ever, plus The Peep Show returns. That's a pretty solid second hour of content. [c]

-Christian introduced his guest, Hornswoggle. It had to be either him or Khali given Christian's clue. Hornswoggle was dressed up as a DX member. He did the crotch chop and danced around. Hornswoggle sat on a stool; he got a pop from the crowd when he climbed into the seat. Christian said he's probably here to get himself into a little trouble. Hornswoggle grunted a little. Christian said he wanted to teach him how to speak a little Canadian. This whole idea that Hornswoggle can't speak is just strange. Christian got him to say "aye," "hoser," "hockey," and the most important word in the Canadian language - "beer."

[Q6]

Vickie Guerrero walked out with Chavo Guerrero to interrupt not a moment too soon. She said as the official consultant to Smackdown, she's shutting down the Peep Show. She said Christian was teaching him the most useless language in the world. Christian said he was about to teach Hornswoggle another word, "obesity." Next he said, "Moose." Some fans laughed at Vickie's expense. Hornswoggle said "moose" over and over and some people laughed. I know in WWE's sheltered world, all women look like Michelle McCool, Gail Kim, and Maryse, but their crowd is full of women (and men) whose BMI is a lot closer to Vickie's and they ought to consider how awkward is it to have kids laughing at fat jokes while standing next to mom and dad who look just like Vickie. It's just one of those things babyfaces shouldn't be doing. If Vickie pretended she was a beauty queen and was delusional to a point of arrogance, there'd be room to make fun of her for that, but to have babyfaces mocking her appearance constantly like this might not only be distasteful, but bad for business.

Chavo said Christian can't talk to his Aunt Vickie that way. She said if Christian doesn't leave the ring voluntarily, she has someone to help him. Hornswoggle hid in a storage case in the ring as Chavo made his way to the ring. Hornswoggle peeked out as Chavo entered the ring. Dolph Ziggler then jumped Christian from behind. Chavo followed with a frog splash. "That's what you get!" Chavo yelled down at him. There were a lot of lousy aspects of that segment, but setting up Ziggler vs. Christian makes sense, although Chavo is in that mix, too. [c]

-They showed Grisham and Striker at ringside. They hyped the ticket sales launch for the Money in the Bank PPV. Striker explained the rules of the concept.

5 -- REY MYSTERIO & MVP vs. C.M. PUNK & LUKE GALLOWS (w/Serena)

You know who the bigger star is when a new tag team of two singles wrestlers comes out and only one gets his entrance music played. In this case, Rey's song played. After a minute of back and forth action, they cut to an early break. [c]

[Q7]

Punk was in against MVP after the break. He tagged Gallows in right away. Striker said Serena provided just enough distraction to give Gallows the advantage during the break. MVP fought back and went for a tag, but Gallows caught him and prevented him from tagging. Punk tagged back in and gave MVP a running knee, but MVP blocked it and shoved Punk to the mat. MVP again went for a tag, but Punk dragged him by his leg back to center-ring. He tagged Gallows back in. Striker said the tag team scene was really heating up. Gallows splashed MVP mid-ring and scored a near fall. At 9:00 Rey finally got the hot-tag which got a pop. He worked over Gallows and then knocked Punk off the ring apron. Rey set up Gallows for a 619, but Punk snuck in a tag and caught Rey mid-air with a flying clothesline for a near fall at 10:00. Rey rolled up Punk, but Gallows broke up the pin illegally. MVP entered and clotheslined Punk out of the ring. The "hooded stranger" jumped on the ring apron to distract Rey, which led to Punk recovering and taking control briefly. Rey, though, rolled through with an Oklahoma Roll for the crowd-pleasing pin. They showed the image of Punk without hair on the big screen. Striker compared it to Dr. Evil crossed with Ox Baker.

WINNER: Rey & MVP in 11:00.

STAR RATING: **1/4 -- Good standard tag match.

-Backstage Josh Matthews interviewed McIntyre. He asked if he thinks he deserves the IC Title. McIntrye said Matt Hardy deserved the beating he'll never forget. He said Teddy Long deserved what he got last week when his authority was eviscerated. He said he deserved to be The Chosen One by the highest authority in WWE, Vincent K. McMahon. Kingston walked in and said the IC Title is his. He said he earned it, he deserves it, and he wants it back. He said no favoritism from the boss is going to get him out of Trouble in Paradise. He did his hand-slapping "Boom! Boom! Boom!" thing and left. [c]

[Q8]

-Grisham and Striker hyped the line-up to Over the Limit.

-As Big Show made his ring entrance for the main event, the announcers called highlights of the Show-Swagger antics earlier in the show. [c]

6 -- THE BIG SHOW vs. DREW MCINTYRE

Show dominated early with methodical power offense from his feet. Grisham noted this was Show's first official match on Smackdown since being drafted from Raw. At 2:00 Drew dropped Show's neck over the top rope. Show came back with a corner collision and then hit the chokeslam. As he went for the cover, Swagger charged into the ring and gave Show a big boot. He followed with a corner splash. Swagger grabbed a chair from ringside and swung it at Show. Show punched the chair out of his hands. Swagger bailed out. Striker said Show's right knee and right hand each took some abuse in this match, which could come into play on Sunday. Show seethed as Swagger walked backward up the ramp.

WINNER: Show via DQ in 3:00.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Not a star-studded start to the show with two first-hour matches featuring third and fourth tier SD roster talent. Good to see new guys getting exposure, but back-to-back it began to feel like the roster was too thin to fill two hours right now. The S.E.S. segment at the start of the show felt too long, although the content was in general good at establishing Punk as a heel. The Peep Show was also mean-spirited and insulting to their own audience, the type of indecent humor (while still PG) that reveals, unfortunately, the mindset of people running the show. The final hour was better. It's clear from Raw and Smackdown post-draft with Shawn Michaels, Triple H, and Undertaker all out of the weekly mix right now that WWE needs to protect and elevate that next generation or they'll be in trouble in three years. SCORE: 4.5.

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