WWE Raw review
October 14, 2002
Live from Montreal, Canada
Report by James Guttman, Torch Team Contributor

Since the inception of Television there has been a desire to produce compelling, interesting, and intriguing programming. Some of the greatest moments in TV history have been defined in moments and remembered forever. From "The Honeymooners" to "Masterpiece Theater", some nights of television will be thought of with loving memories until the end of time. Well, the October 14, 2002 edition of Raw was the exact opposite of that. It was probably one of the most poorly conceived shows I have ever seen with some of the most hollow, uninteresting and downright boring segments in the history of Monday Night Wrestling. You want proof? OK, pal, listen to this, I'll tell you all about it….

The show opens with a spot that I like to call "Exhibit A" – it's the ridiculous ending from last week's Raw. They show Triple H calling Kane a "murderer". This whole angle is just too stupid for words.

Kane and Hurri-Kane are making their ways to the ring and are confronted by "The Coach". He questions the "Big Red Katie Fick although maybe it's ‘Vick' and I just don't realize it Murdering Machine" as to his shameful past. Well Kane tells him that it's none of his business! Ho hum. It's been 25 seconds and I'm bored.

Opening Theme – Shawn Michaels is still shown in the montage and we go to Montreal for the introduction of the Hurri-Kanes. The tag titles are on the line and we hit the ring.

(1) Christian & Chris Jericho defeated Kane & Hurricane to capture the World Tag Team Titles when Jericho pinned Hurricane Oh Christian. Oh those tights…he looks like a ballerina. Clip is shown of Chris Jericho's attack on Booker T last week. We cut back to see Booker T jumping Jericho in real time as he walks to the ring. Officials pull him off of Y2J (bug) and the match gets underway. The interest level in this match was fairly mild considering the participants were the Canadian duo of Jericho and Christian against the Tag Champions, one of which is headlining the Pay Per View on Sunday. It's far from a good sign, and I have to think it's because there is no attempt to build tag teams anymore. These are the top 2 teams? I feel like they both are less than a month old. Actually, they both are less than a month old! Sunday we destroy the Intercontinental Title, but the death of the Tag Team Titles will be slow and painful. Kind of blah, but I suppose they are going to do something involving Kane's feud with Hunter. Jericho beats HurriKane with his feet on the ropes for leverage. Christian has now held the tag team titles about 908 times. Nothing too special, at least something will happen with Kane to start the show – or maybe we'll take an unexpected and sudden….

Commercial Break. The Eddie Murphy Movie Promos for "I-Spy" shows that movie writers and wrestling writers both enjoy redoing a plot until it's lost all meaning. Also, one week from tomorrow, Raw rocks Memphis.

We are back and recap the end of the last match in case we forgot it during the commercial break. The sad thing – I did.

Big fight backstage as Booker T and Goldust are clashing with the team of Chris(tian and) Jericho. Eric Bischoff shows his pale puffy face for the first time tonight as he steps between the four of them and signs a match for the tag titles at the Sunday PPV. Booker says that Jericho's "sucka ass" is his. Jericho responds that he is "no sucka". Chris Jericho is so cheesy that he should be poured over macaroni and microwaved. Segment ends with the tag team champions that first starting teaming together last week showered each other in bottles of champagne – or at least I think it's champagne. Ew.

(2) Lance Storm pinned Al Snow following a superkick William Regal joined Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler at the announce table. A large amount of abuse is thrown at William Regal regarding his cross-dressing match last week. Regal storms off and goes down to ringside. If anything, this match made the last match look meaningful. Crowd interest began to build about 5 seconds from the end when Regal tossed Storm his brass knuckles. Lance swung and missed leading to a botched exchange before Al was hit with a superkick. This has been one of the blandest episodes of this show I have ever seen. Hopefully things will pick up although I'm getting the feeling that they don't want me to order the pay per view.

We shoot to the back with Victoria, who is being interview by the Coach. He asks about her "history" with Trish. Victoria answers as though she is a seven year old sounding out a book. She enunciates each sentence so very slowly…it's almost painful. Here's the gist: they were both fitness models and were both being looked at to join WWE. Vicki had talent, but Trish slept her way to the top leaving her behind. She claimed that Trish was the reason she never got her big break. You know, I would believe her, but I think the reason she never got a break is because she sounds out her interviews like a seven-year-old. Trish shows up draped in Red and White (they're in Canada – every time we come to Canada. Trish dresses like their flag). She slaps Victoria. In fact, she hits her so hard that she hallucinates…oh wait, that's not a hallucination – that's a….

Commercial Break. Carrot Top, I'll make you a deal. I'll use 1-800-Call-Att only if you go far away. Get back to me on that.

We return to see Jeff Hardy (looking like a girlie version of the Crow) talking to Spike Dudley. They welcome in Rob Van Dam who asks if they've seen Bischoff. Maybe he should check the strip clubs and the snack machine. They ask Spike how Bubba Ray is from the TLC match last week and Spike tells them that Bubba is "messed up" which is code for "not over at all". As luck would have it, Uncle Eric comes stumbling in and applauds them. He expresses how proud he was of their match last week. He has put together a montage from the match. We watch a clip presentation of last week's Tables Ladders Chairs match and are reminded how great the show was going last week until the stupid "You're a murderer" idiocy.

After our trip down memory lane, Eric informs Jeff that he will be taking on Rico. Jeff secretly wishes he could get his hands on Rico's ring attire fabric and make headbands and leg warmers. So Jeff scurries off. Eric then tells Spike to "take a hike". Spike replies by shouting "Bite Me". Eric then bites him and a cheese danish. Finally alone, Eric endears himself to RVD by informing him of his match against Ric Flair at No Mercy. He also tells him that tonight he will be wrestling Triple H in a "Canadian Lumberjack Match" where wrestlers will be equipped with straps and surround the ring. I was surprised that there were no mentions of Lesbians. I prepare for the Canadian Lumberjack Match while Eric eats a can of Canadian bacon and we enjoy the….

Commercial Break. Two Sour Starburst Commercials in one commercial break. You'd think that Stephanie McMahon was dating Sour Starburst. HAHA! Get it? You would think…oh nevermind.

One room, two men, 20 feet of nose. Hunter and Ric Flair sit in the locker room with a leather couch. Flair is holding his head in his hands and appears upset. Perhaps because every day that he puts off retirement is another day of good memories he erases from his incredible legacy. Hunter expresses distress at giving his co-workers straps and allowing them to "take a shot at the champion". Don't sell yourself short, Trips, there's many more reasons than that for them to want to hit you with a strap. Some banter about RVD. Classic wrestling talk "You don't have to worry about RVD…" and "You're preaching to the choir". They agree that Bischoff has ruined their night. Hey – you too? He also says that he's going to tell the whole world the truth about Kane tonight. "Kane is a murderer". I keep telling myself that we can't get any worse with this whole thing.

(3) Jeff Hardy pinned Rico following a Swanton Bomb Jeff Hardy comes out and spread Elmer's Glue on his face. He has short purple hair this week and bears a stunning resemblance to Anna Nicole Smith's assistant. Snicker's reminds me to not let hunger happen to me. Rico is probably the most poorly presented character on this show. For the most part, his gimmick was that of a "gay designer". But, when he wrestles they talk about how he was Las Vegas police officer and "American Gladiators" champion. But he still wears velvet tights and has big furry sideburns. I guess that compared to Jeff Hardy he looks normal. As has been the theme of the night…match happens, match ends, match is forgotten.

Kane is seen backstage and he is very upset (Perhaps because he too realizes that every day Ric Flair puts off retirement is another day of good memories he erases from his incredible legacy). Terri comes and sits with him. In what can only be described as the best acting I have seen since Saved By The Bell's epic caffeine pill addiction episode, Terri convinces Kane to admit to whatever he has on his mind and do it publicly. Ok Kane, let's see how far we can take this horridly stupid angle. Come on – let's go! I'm calling you out. They wrote it…let's see it. I can take it. BRING IT ON! But first…

Commercial Break. Stacker 2 Ephedra Free? So, it's the same brand name just without the element that creates the adrenaline jump? This product was made to be shown on WWE Raw.

(JG Note: Before I begin to review the following segment I want to say that without a shadow of a doubt, this portion of Raw was one of the, if not the, worst segment in the history of Monday Night Wrestling. It defied any logic, it destroyed what little credibility this story line had to being with, it killed Kane's character, came off as uninteresting and was poorly received. If there is ever a school that teaches people how not to write productive wrestling shows, the tape of this segment would be the firs thing shown and it would count for 95% of your grade. I was stunned silent with shock at the pure ineptness as it relates to this storyline. Terrible.)

Kane is in the ring and he's got a Mic. Katie Fick was a friend of his and he didn't kill her. It was an accident. The crowd begins to chant "what" at the end of each sentence. "What" chants are to interviews what "Boring" chants are to matches. It means that the crowd is so bored by the angle, they have to entertain themselves. Kane says that he and Katie were friends about 10 years ago. She went to see his matches back when he started wrestling. Then one night they went to a party and Katie had too much to drink. Kane drove her home and just like the Pearl Jam song – he swerved and she died. Now, some quick problems. Kane's character is that of Undertaker's brother. His gimmick was always that he was locked away by Paul Bearer for years and kept away from the outside world. Everyone thought he was dead until 1996 where he returned to attack his brother on PPV. So, I guess that's all made up and is just forgotten. Well, is he still burnt? If so, where? The man wears see through outfits, there is no where left to be burnt. Kane has been back for about three months and they've already undone his entire career's work. Bravo. It can't get worse than this. Oh no?

Here comes Triple H. Kane hasn't told the whole story. Hunter proceeds to come off like a fourth grader playing the detective in a school play. There were other people at the party who all saw Kane drinking too. He drinks, he talks, and he has friends. This is the character that I felt sorry for because he was a freak? I think he's in a basement and he's at parties? I feel so used. At the crime scene there were beer bottles all around. Hunter then asks Kane to explain how come at the autopsy of Katie Fick, his semen was found. Yup, I said "semen", Kane's semen. Kane has semen. They knew it was his because it was burnt semen. I'm not shocked at this angle because it's ‘cutting edge' or shock TV – it's shocking that anyone thought this would fly with a wrestling audience. Hunter claims that Kane loved Katie – and Katie only liked him. According to Hunter, who could love a "burnt up freak" like Kane? So there ya have it – he's burnt. Don't ask me where – all I know is that he is. As a final nail in the coffin that is the shear insanity and terrible television that was this portion of Raw, Triple H inquires whether Kane had sex with Katie prior to or following her death. Whoever wrote this should be shot with a nail gun repeatedly. To think that there are millions of people jobless in this country and someone got paid for that just boggles my mind. There's better writing in the…

Commercial Break. So Carrot Top, what's it gonna be? Tell ya what, I'll call 1-800-Call-Att if you just let me hit you once - just once.

We recap the Hunter necriphilia accusation again just to make more of Raw suck. Kane is shown leaving before he does something he might regret to Triple H (like killing him? No…stay).

Stacey Kiebler makes her way to the ring. It has to be tough to be the first woman to follow the "you had sex with a dead woman" skit.

(4) Jackie & Trish Stratus defeated Molly Holly & Victoria when Jackie pinned Molly Stacey was the special ref for this match. We find out that Trish will face Victoria at No Mercy. It's a pretty sad commentary when the storyline with Vicki and Stratus is better planned than the one between the World Champion and his challenger. Again, the match was well done and I for one have never questioned the ability of any of these women in the ring. WWE has a solid female roster, they're just showcased on the wrong show. There should be so much more intelligent stories involving them. Finish saw Guest Ref Stacey get knocked to the outside and a second ref making the run in count as Jackie pinned Molly. Post match brawl between the Walking Canadian Advertisement Trish and Victoria on the outside. Ended flat. Match is over…it is now deleted from my memory.

Referee Nick Patrick is finally wearing a normal ref's shirt backstage as he hands out the straps for the Canadian Lumberjack Match. Tommy Dreamer and Spike are picking up theirs as an excited team of Booker T and Goldust pick up straps as well. I wish I had a strap.

Commercial Break. BP informs me of how they have absorbed Amoco so that when they disappear and BP's spring up in their place, I won't be scared or confused. Thank you BP. Thank you Corporate America.

Eric Bischoff stands center ring and Jim Ross refers to him as the "Tony Soprano" of Raw. Insert your own joke there. Eric proceeds to announce that Sunday will be the end of the Intercontinental Title. He then brings out the first IC champ – Pat Patterson. Pat wobbles to the ring and takes the Mic. He begins to speak in French to the crowd. For the record I don't speak French, but I have heard that his statements translate to: "Everyone, tonight let's forget all the things I did in the last few years. Like parading around in soiled underwear on TV, dressing in drag, and the such….tonight we talk about something good I did finally. Also, Mr. Bischoff, you look like you are my age. I like peanut butter and boy bands. Amen" or something to that effect. Eric asks him to speak English and Patterson expresses distrust in Bisch's intentions. Eric is offended, and gets so flustered that he refers to the WWE as "WCW…er…ah…WEW". So funny, for that split second in Eric's head as he said "WCW" he remembered when he was young and happy. But that's neither here not there, after all he put together a video montage (Eric is all about the video montages here tonight) to showcase the Intercontinental Title.

We watch the video and are reminded of just how respected this title is that they are about to kill on Sunday. Following the video, Rosey and Jamal jump Pat and lay him out until Jerry Brisco comes out and gets destroyed as well. I think it's a sad and shameful final chapter in the intercontinental title history that it's final remembrance would amount to nothing more than a stupid "Three Minutes" segment. Big Show, D-Lo, and Jeff Hardy make the save with straps. The Island Boys attacked all 3 men in one of those 3-minute deals. Hey, didn't D-Lo get attacked with Shawn Stasiak? Why isn't Shawn out there? Oh, they fired him – nevermind.

Commercial Break. A graphic airs that read "Coming Soon" and plays Bret Hart's music accompanying a video of Bret himself. It is then revealed that Bret's theme song will be available on the "Anthology CD". I thought for one second that Bret was coming back – somewhere Vince McMahon is laughing AT me – not WITH me.

Recap of Dreamer/Nowinski hardcore match that saw Tommy injure Chris' jaw. Or as guys in Yonkers call it "That fight where Tommy beat up that Harvard pansy".

Nowinski is shown looking at his jaw in the mirror. He is confronted by Al Snow who congratulates the former "Tough Enough" star on his accomplishments. Yeah, well Al is told that Chris did it without his help. He then rubs salt in the wounds by reminding him that he lost earlier. He also points out that Linda Miles and Jackie Gayda were terrible choices to win last year. Oh, I'm sorry he didn't point that out – logic did.

(5) Chris Nowinksi pinned Tommy Dreamer following interference from Al Snow I like Al Snow. I think there is a genuine quality about him that makes me feel he is on a different level than most performers. I have an idea…turn him bad. Ugh. The match was well done and the end saw Tommy go for the Singapore cane as Al struggled to grab it from him, Chris hit him with a full nelson slam of sorts. I think the name of it is "The I Have A Degree From Harvard and My Family Thinks This Wrestling Thing Is Just A Phase" Drop. Mystery and suspense surrounds the finish as to whether or not Al Snow is with Nowinski or just protecting him. You know what would make this storyline awesome? Sex with dead people.

Terri interviews Hunter who has now spoken more on this show than any of the announcers. Its more stupidity as Triple H claims the he is just repeating facts. He warns Terri to be careful with Kane and then…I swear – he forgets his lines. He begins to ramble almost with no direction and then seemingly ends the interview. As Hunter walks off, the screen fades to black but then fades back in as he returns to the microphone.

Commer….

We fade in….Helmsely-McMahon has to mention his match with RVD – that's it! The Canadian Lumberjack Match! That's what I forgot to talk about! It's all about the point – and how you forget it.

Commercial Break. I have to be honest. I haven't seen ‘Abandon'. Oh, it comes out Friday. Now I don't feel so bad.

JR introduces Randy Orton. I told you. I told you they should turn him heel. They bring him out to talk about his injury and give the e-mail address where get well wishes can be sent. This was a well-presented idea and it seemed to fit him well. This gimmick would have fit John Cena too. Randy continues his gimmick of being "overhyped" by linking his injury to Bret Hart being screwed in Montreal. (JG Note: Mentioning Bret Hart in Montreal = Heel). There ya go Randy…let's see what you can do now.

Commercial Break. We just had a commercial break. That talking dog in the Greyhound Bus Commercials tells me that I can get a ride for $15. I learned a long time ago that I shouldn't listen to talking dogs. Sorry.

Cue the music of the most over guy we have on the roster….SUCKA!

(6) Big Show defeated Booker T in a falls count anywhere matchIf Bad Booking is a side effect of hunger, someone should get the Raw writers a "Snickers". I don't know what it's going to take to make people see that the wrong people are getting put over and the right people are being buried on this show. Booker T has been working twice as hard to receive half the success that he is deserved. The Big Show was winded before he entered the ring. While I agree that he does not have to be in top shape to play the role of a "Giant", he should not look like he's about to pass out every 4 seconds either. Match spills in through the crowd, allowing me to see how big the Show is compared to normal people. We find ourselves in the back and see Hunter and Flair playing with a forklift in the locker room area. The brawl continues into the ladies shower where Trish is seen cowering in the corner wearing nothing more than a towel. Jericho follows them in and lays out Booker with a chair to give Show the pinfall. Non-sensical. Big Show pins Booker. Jericho finished the segment by turning to Trish and saying "How you doin'?" Well, his gimmick is outdated by two years, why shouldn't his catch phrase be too?

Coach catches up to Triple H and Flair who have used to the forklift to block the dressing room door of the "good" lumberjacks. Hunter asks Coach if he has a problem with the delay and then slaps him in the head. Nothing really good came out of this. Although, we did get to hear from Hunter again, which is good because I was really beginning to miss him. Too bad he's not in the…

Commercial Break. CSI is back on the push list. See CSI. See CSI. See CSI. If you get a chance, eat Sour Starburst, hit Carrot Top, and watch Eddie Murphy destroy his career like Ric Flair. But definitely see CSI.

(7) Triple H defeated Rob Van Dam in a Canadian Lumberjack Match following interference by Ric Flair Subway brings me No Mercy this year. Do I want that with American, Swiss, or Provolone? Only half the lumberjacks are around the ring, but if seeing them all gathered together does nothing else, it shows that the Raw roster is not bad at all. With stars like Jericho, RVD, Christian, Storm, Nowinski, Rico, Regal, and so many others, it's amazing that something better can't be done with this show. Basic lumberjack match psychology saw RVD tossed to the outside and whipped on a number of occasions, while Hunters falls to the ringside area were met with assistance. At one point, the heels helped Hunter up and Van Dam jumped from the buckle onto the group of them. Big Show turned the tide and whipped RVD into the ring steps and then over the top rope. RVD eventually gets Hunter down and goes to the top rope for the Five Star Frog Splash before being pulled down by Jericho and beaten like a dog. As luck would have it, the faces escape from the forklift trap and save him. Rob climbs the buckle and hits the frog splash only to have Ric Flair waffle him in the head with the world title and setting up Hunter for the easy victory. Post match melee saw Kane run in and attempt to chokeslam Triple H before getting low blowed by Flair. Triple H escaped and Kane hit chokelsams on Nowinski, D-Lo, Rico, Rosy, and Jamal before the show went off air. Cameras faded out as Kane and Triple H stared each other down from across the ramp.

All in All… Terrible. I felt that there was no energy in this show. Each and every part of this show was ill conceived and was apparently written by people who have never watched professional wrestling. With six days until No Mercy, I can't imagine that anyone can be happy with the way Raw turned out. But what do I know? Somewhere tomorrow we'll read that Vince McMahon was "very happy" and once again get more insight into why this promotion is dying. There was nothing about this show worth remembering. Tell ya what, take a few days off to unwind from this debacle and then meet up with me in the lounge on Thursday. We won't talk about murder or having sex with dead people. You have my word. Catch you then.

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