By James Caldwell, Torch columnist

WWE Raw Alternative Report
October 2 in Topeka, Kansas

- We start with the usual pyro intro. Lights didn't go out this week. They showed the steel cage already down to the floor around the ring. Ross and Lawler talked about the WWE Title match tonight.

- DX's music came on. Triple H and Shawn Michaels came out dressed to wrestle. As DX walked to the ring, Ross narrated clips from the HIAC match at Unforgiven. More focus on the McMahons. Hunter took the mic for the Michael Buffer intro. He needed quiet. He then had a question of whether the fans are ready. Lawler hyperventilated. Hunter paused when he mentioned Vince McMahon's name. They showed a picture of Vince's head inside Show's rear. Hunter said that sometimes you have to learn to eat crap and like the taste of it. The story of the wrestling business. Coach then interrupted. He asked DX if they think they run the show. Hunter quietly nodded affirmatively. The fans chanted, "You suck" at Coach. He booked DX in a Texas Tornado match. Hunter feigned shock over the announcement. Coach then introduced the six opponents - Cade, Murdoch, Viscera, Haas, and Highlanders.

1 -- DX (HBK & HUNTER) vs. CADE & MURDOCH & HIGHLANDERS & HAAS & VISCERA -- Texas Tornado match

The heels charged the ring and went after DX. Haas and Viscera worked on Hunter in the corner. Cade and Murdoch paired off on HBK. Hunter then avoided a corner splash by Viscera and Haas ate the PJ's. DX double-teamed Viscera with a double clothesline. More heel incompetence with Cade accidentally clotheslined Robbie. DX tossed Murdoch over the top rope. Hunter hit a spinebuster on Haas then HBK went up top and landed an elbow drop. HBK warmed up the band and dropped Haas with Sweet Chin Music. Hunter landed the Pedigree for the win.

WINNERS: DX in 3:00. I didn't think WWE could damage these heels (and the Highlanders) any more after last week, but they succeeded this week.

- Coach came back out and screamed indignations. He was breathing heavy after seeing his plan go up in smoke. Coach said they won the battle, but they haven't won the war. "I run this show," Coach said. Hunter wasn't convinced. He suggested tossing Coach out of the building and running the show themselves. DX left the ring and chased Coach to the back. Ross suggested a hostile take over. Sounds like an NWO angle.

[Commercial Break]

2 -- JOHNNY NITRO (w/Melina) vs. JEFF HARDY -- IC Title match

Ross said Melina likes three-way sex, according to the latest WWE Magazine. The assumption made was two men and one woman. Nitro had an extra piece of fur this week and Ross said that won't make any friends with PETA. Ross said Hardy left the company three years ago because he was burnt out and there are rumors why he actually left. Hardy went after Nitro early on. He went for the Twist of Fate early on, but Nitro slipped out then rolled to the outside. Hardy then flew off the apron with a splash on Nitro. Melina screamed in disgust as Hardy remained in control.

[Commercial Break]

Surprise, surprise, Nitro was in control out of the break. They exchanged blows after Hardy escaped a mat hold. Hardy went for the Whisper in the Wind out of the corner, but Nitro ducked and rolled out of the way. Nitro then went to work on Hardy's lower back. As Hardy was on his stomach in the corner, Nitro dropkicked Hardy from behind, sending Hardy's stomach crashing into the ringpost. He then landed a back breaker across his knee. Nitro applied a seated surfboard stretch. Hardy countered the move into a double back kick. Hardy made a cover for a nearfall. Nitro then rolled to the outside and Hardy dropkicked Melina through the ropes. He flew off the railing with a splash onto Nitro. Melina fell down in the process and favored her ankle again. Back in the ring, Nitro took Hardy to the corner. Hardy fought him off then hit the Swanton Bomb on Nitro. Melina couldn't interfere with the ankle situation and Hardy scored the surprise pin for the win. Hardy celebrated with the title belt as Melina screamed. Melina and Nitro retreated up the ramp as Hardy held up the title belt.

WINNER: Jeff Hardy in 12:00 to capture the IC Title. Exciting match finish with a surprise ending when everyone was expecting Melina to interfere or grab the referee's foot and pull him to the outside.

- They went back to January at New Year's Revolution to recap Edge's title victory over Cena, leading to the nine-month feud across every town in America.

- DX was backstage. They knocked on Coach's door. He wouldn't open the door. After various voices including "housekeeping" ala Tommy Boy didn't work out, Hunter then asked Coach what he could possibly be doing behind closed doors that he doesn't want anyone to see. Of course, there was a camera inside the room with Coach, so even if he was masturbating, as Hunter was suggesting, everyone watching could see him anyways.

- ECW tomorrow night is Big Show vs... Whoever is next.

[Commercial Break]

- More commercials for the three-hour Family Reunion next week. Ross and Lawler discussed the reunion.

- Maria was backstage with Hardy to reinforce the title victory. They showed clips of Hardy winning the IC Title. Hardy said he came back to Raw to become new IC champion. Hardy had a few more lines then he said Nitro, Carlito, etc. wanted to strip him of his title. Maria interjected a plug for Extreme Strip Poker on ECW TV. Melina then interrupted. She couldn't muster a word in her frustration so she screamed. And screamed. Hardy covered her mouth then Melina screamed some more. He tried one more time, but Melina kept screaming so Hardy just gave up and walked away.

- Coach was in his office talking to Vince on the cell phone. He said DX was on the other side of the door waiting for him. He said he would do anything Vince tells him to do. He then slowly walked towards the door. He opened the door and found another camera, but no DX. He then slowly walked down the hallway. Hunter was at the end of the hallway. HBK was at the other end of the hallway. They played some spaghetti western movie music then a tumbleweed rolled down the hallway and stopped at Coach's feet. Coach bolted for the women's locker room. HBK and Hunter approached the door and HBK was hesitant about going in. Hunter took them inside. Kelly Kelly, Torrie Wilson, and Mickie James were dressed inside the locker room. HBK went looking for Coach, but Hunter stopped to flirt with Kelly. No Knox. Hunter did the line, "Come here often?" then HBK dragged him on the way. On the way out the door, Hunter called out, "But, I have two words for you!" They cut to Coach running down the hallway. He stopped inside a room then disco music and lighting came on. The plump writer/stripper was in the corner of the room. The fans actually popped for him. He's over. He then danced on Coach's crotch. Coach shoved him aside then left. He ran towards the end of the building, but he tripped on a wet floor. They showed the bottom of HBK and Hunter's legs. The camera slowly panned up as Coach then took off for the exit. He neared the production truck then DX feigned charging him and Coach turned around then ran into the truck. That was good. Hunter then tossed Coach into a dumpster. They told some old man to haul away the trash. He poured two bags of trash into the dumpster then wheeled the dumpster away.

[Commercial Break]

- Spirit Squad members were screaming backstage. DX interrupted and said they're running things tonight. HBK said they've just been informed by V.P. of Talent Relations that there's a new dress code. He name dropped John Laurenaitis and said, in Ace's voice, that they are in direct violation of the dress code. They're ribbing Ace on TV now. Squad asked what happens if they don't comply. Hunter laughed then pulled out a sledgehammer. Mikey slammed his head against Mitch's chest in frustration. Squad then asked what the outfits look like. Hunter smiled and said, "Funny you should ask."

- Ross and Lawler talked about Umaga vs. Kane in a Loser Leaves Raw match next week.

3 -- UMAGA (w/Armando) vs. SNITSKY

There is a Snitsky sighting this week. Abyss-like squash victory with the usual formula before the Samoan Spike for the win.

WINNER: Umaga in 1:00.

- Todd Grisham was backstage with Randy Orton for his thoughts on facing Carlito up next. He said he's tired of Carlito saying things are cool. He said he knows cool. Orton said cool is already beating Carlito, being the Legend Killer, and the R-K-O.

[Commercial Break]

- They aired new clips on The Marine. "The action is like a fastball down the middle," one of the co-actors said. And that's supposed to mean what? Cena fouled it off, struck out, grounded out to short shop, left men in scoring position with less than two out, or hit a home run?

[Begin Second Hour]

4 -- RANDY ORTON vs. CARLITO

You would think they could find time on the show to get their most promising, fresh babyface some promo time. It's time to bring back Carlito's Cabana. Ross said Taker and Rey are going to be on Raw next week. Orton quickly threw Carlito shoulder-first into the corner ringpost. He repeated the move. Orton then bent Carlito's left arm upwards in between the turnbuckles. He played to the crowd then Carlito caught him with a standing huricanrana. Orton quickly went back on the offensive, working on Carlito's left arm/shoulder. Carlito came back with a springboard reverse elbow smash. He followed with a springboard turnaround dive into a springboard Lionsault from the opposite side of the ring for a nearfall. Carlito went for a splash off the ropes, but Orton rolled through and hooked the tights for the win. Ross said one of these days, Carlito is going to take out his rage on Orton and win.

WINNER: Orton in 4:00. WWE didn't show much confidence in Carlito and Orton to hold the generally highest-rated quarter hour of the show by only giving them four minutes.

- They aired more clips of Cena vs. Edge, going back to the ECW PPV in June.

- DX knocked on Spirit Squad's door. They reminded them that their match is next. DX said that if they don't come out, they're coming in. HBK said they would strip them...of their tag title belts if they don't come out. Kenny peeped out from behind the door and said they needed a minute. Hunter smirked then said, "They're so gay." The live crowd popped. HBK gazed down at the floor and used the Seinfeld line, "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

[Commercial Break]

- Cryme Tyme time. We're at the coffee shop. A cop walked out of the shop. The white voice-over man said the "brother" sold out and joined the man. Time to work on Speed. JTG flipped the cop's coffee then they stole his donut. They then trained for agility by jumping a fence. "Officer fat boy" was stuck on the fence as dogs barked off camera.

- Spirit Squad walked out in female cheerleader outfits. They tried to cover their crotches while raising the title belts. Lillian Garcia laughed through her announcement of the Squad. Lawler said he spotted a skid mark. The camera focused on Johnny's tighty whities, which had a noticeable brown stain. Ross said they look like Oregon Ducks.

5 -- NICKY (w/Squad) vs. SGT. SLAUGHTER

Slaughter didn't waste any time going for the Cobra Clutch, but Nicky reached the ropes to break the hold. Slaughter dropped Nicky across his knee with a gutbuster. He then landed forearmb blows to the chest. Kenny pulled down the ropes and Slaughter flipped to the outside. Squad then pounded on Slaughter. Back in the ring, Nicky scored a nearfall. Nicky applied a sleeper hold then snapped off a combination Stunner and face buster across his knees. DX then came on the big screen. Hunter held up a thong. Nicky screamed and lost his concentration, which allowed Slaughter to roll him up from behind for the win. Afterwards, Squad tried to console Nicky in the ring.

WINNER: Slaughter in 3:00. DX has managed to cut the legs out from under four tag teams tonight. That's got to be a record or something.

- More clips from the Cena vs. Edge feud.

[Commercial Break]

- They plugged The Marine premiere at Camp Pendleton in San Diego.

6 -- MICKIE JAMES vs. VICTORIA -- Women's Title tournament match

Lillian announced that DX booked this match as a lingerie match. Mickie bounced to the ring then Victoria stormed to the ring, not amused by the booking switch. Back and forth early on. They went for a complicated combination with Mickie countering a Boston Crab into a head scissors. Victoria blocked a corner sunset flip then tried to hook the ropes for a pin, but the referee spotted it and stopped the count. Mickie then rolled up Victoria for the win. Afterwards, Victoria chucked chairs into the ring out of frustration.

WINNER: Mickie in 3:00. Both women have a chance to step up in Trish's absence, but the match was just average.

[Commercial Break]

- Lawler is on WWE.com to plug Bischoff's interview with JBL on the website. They aired another Bischoff video clip. He said he earned the reputation of firing people and he wishes he fired more people. He said there's a reason why he sent Austin a FedEx with his firing. He said he didn't feel bad about Vader. Bischoff said he will give the real reason why Bischoff left WCW, which goes against the tale Ross has been saying for over a decade.

- Chris Masters was backstage with Bischoff to talk about the book. DX interrupted. "Hey, you guys doing a gratuitous book plug?" Hunter asked. HBK asked Bischoff if they were in the book. Bischoff said they were. He said DX was nothing more than a blatant rip-off of the NWO. Hunter said they just gave him a free plug and that's how he treats them. Bischoff walked away. Hunter turned to Masters and asked when he's going to write a book. Masters said he's been thinking about doing a book on nutrition. Hunter smirked then asked if it's going to be called, "How to lose 50 pounds in four weeks." Masters wasn't impressed then walked away. (Remember McMahon's promo on Orton to "get back in the gym" after surgery and add some weight?) HBK was somber and caught thinking. That's a no-no. Hunter asked what's up. HBK asked if they really were a rip-off of the NWO. Hunter said it doesn't really matter because he who laughs last, laughs best. They did a Dr. Evil from Austin Powers "muhahaha" laugh then died down to a quiet laugh. That's what you call a red herring or foreshadowing.

- They showed the cage being lowered to the ring.

[Commercial Break]

- They aired clips from Cena regaining the WWE Title at Unforgiven.

7 -- JOHN CENA vs. EDGE (w/Lita) -- WWE Title Match in a Steel Cage

Ross said the winner is determined by pinfall, submission, or escaping the cage. Cena came out second to strong applause. He was still favoring the left arm and it was taped up. They locked up and Edge went after the left arm. Cena came back with a hopping Fisherman's suplex for a nearfall. Edge quickly cut off Cena then worked the left arm. He then tried to slide through the cage door, but Cena pulled him back inside the ring. Edge tried to scurry up the top rope to escape, but Cena grabbed his legs and press slammed him to the mat. Cena went for the FU, but Edge countered into a lift-up DDT for a nearfall. Ross said that if Cena were to lose, he would be losing as a fighter and as a man. Edge went for an arm bar, but Cena countered into a flip over slam. He then hit the Blockbuster in center ring. Cena began to climb the cage with one arm, but Edge pulled him down. He then speared Cena's left arm into the cage. Edge tried to escape the cage again, but Cena met him with a right hand blow to the back. He landed a hard right hand to the face then took Edge off the top with a flying face slam. Nice spot before the break.

[Commercial Break]

Back from break, Cena and Edge battled from a standing position. They went to a camera shot of Marines cheering on Cena. Edge tried to escape, but Cena pulled him back as the kids and women screamed in horror. Edge tried to escape by climbing the cage, but Cena pulled him to a seated position on top of the cage. Edge knocked Cena off the top, but Cena held on to the cage. He then pulled Edge back inside the cage, but Edge hit a side suplex off the ropes for a close nearfall. Edge tried to escape again, but Cena crotched Edge then bounced his manhood multiple times. Cena fired up with a clothesline then a turnaround slam. He called for the Five Knuckle Shuffle and delivered. He went for the FU, but Edge grabbed the cage wall to break the hold. He then slammed Cena's head into the side of the cage. Edge climbed the cage one more time, but Cena countered into FU position. However, Edge slipped down to the mat and countered another FU attempt into a reverse head jam. Edge made a cover for a nearfall then he began climbing towards the cage door. Cena grabbed him then Lita tried to give Edge a chair, but the referee on the outside pulled her away. The chair flew into the cage and the referee tossed Lita from ringside. Edge couldn't believe it. Cena then knocked over Edge and the referee. Edge picked up the chair and missed with a chair shot. Cena then cleaned Edge's clock with a chair shot. He applied the STFU, but there was no referee. Cade and Murdoch then ran down and knocked over the referee before entering the cage. They dropped Cena with high/low then dragged Edge towards the cage door. They tried to drag Edge's lifeless body out, but DX came to ringside and attacked Cade and Murdoch. HBK hit Murdoch with Sweet Chin Music, which caused Murdoch to fly backwards and knock the cage door into Edge's face. Edge then stumbled backwards into an FU from Cena. He draped an arm over Edge and the referee crawled over to make the three count for the win.

Afterwards, DX slowly backed up the entrance ramp. They focused on Cena retaining the belt then DX disappeared after one more camera shot. Cena held up his title belt in the cage then celebrated with military men ringside. They showed a replay of the finish then Cena walked up the ramp with the title belt in hand. His expression was exhausation while Edge's expression inside the cage was sheer unbelief as he crawled on his belly toward the ropes. They closed with Ross plugging Cena going into next week's Homecoming show as champion.

WINNER: Cena in 19:00 to retain the WWE Championship. Amazing, amazing, amazing heat on this match. I have Cena vs. Edge as front runner for feud of the year at this point. They've put together an amazing series of matches with the help of some gimmicks such as TLC and a cage to enhance the strength of Cena, which is storytelling and giving that comeback with the deck stacked against him. It was a nice touch at the end for DX to back away from ringside at the end to allow Cena his moment. It also sets up an intriguing follow-up storyline where Cena owes DX a favor for helping him out. Great TV match that sets up some options for WWE going forward.

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