By Wade Keller, Torch editor

KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
OCTOBER 15, 2007
EMANATING FROM UNITED KINGDOM

WHAT HAPPENED: 1ST HOUR

-The show opened with a recap package on last week's big storyline with Randy Orton, Triple H, and the return of Shawn Michaels.

William Regal [art by Neal Obermeyer (c) PWTorch]

-Randy Orton approached William Regal backstage. He said the rogue fans don't deserve to pick his opponents, he (Regal) should be assigned that honor. He suggested he have a "warm-up match" and that Regal put all three wrestlers in the ring against one another to see them fight it out - Jeff Hardy vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Mr. Kennedy. Regal said it was a good idea, but he was going to step out and make an announcement.

-The Raw opening aired, then Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler introduced the show as the camera panned the crowd. Regal stepped out onto the stage and announced that Orton would face each of his potential opponents at Cyber Sunday. Regal introduced Hardy, who stepped out onto the stage to his entrance music and danced his way to the ring. Orton then stepped out onto the stage with his WWE Hvt. Title belt. He looked upset and glared Regal as he made his way past him on the stage.

1 -- JEFF HARDY vs. RANDY ORTON

I avoided info on this show's taping earlier today, but this seems to be a way to manipulate viewers into voting for Shawn Michaels over Hardy by giving away Hardy, but I suspect not giving away Orton-Michaels, so there's no embarrassment for Michaels when Hardy otherwise, I predict, would have won balloting. Hardy took early offense, clotheslining Orton over the top rope to the floor, then slidekicking him and diving on him at ringside at 2:00.

[Commercial Break]

After the break, guess what Orton was doing? Come on, guess... Yep, a chinlock. He was squeezing hard and Hardy was gasping for breath, so it' wasn't lazy. They showed that during the break, Orton dropkicked Hardy as Hardy tried to re-enter the ring. The dropkick looked great. A crawler reported that after Raw tonight, the entire line-up for Cyber Sunday will be revealed. Ross and Lawler kept hyping that tonight Orton would have to wrestle all three opponents. After about two minutes, Hardy finally escaped and clotheslined Orton. Both were slow to get up. Hardy went to the top rope, but Kennedy ran out and distracted Hardy. Orton gave Hardy a low-blow and then took him out with an RKO for the win. Kennedy watched from the aisle. He and Orton exchanged looks. Kennedy signalled he wanted the belt. Ross and Lawler plugged the Cyber Sunday voting.

WINNER: Orton in 9:00.

STAR RATING: *3/4

[Commercial Break]

-Santino Marella and Maria walked out to the ring. "Talk about a WWE superstar that's outpunted his coverage about a mile, that's Santino Marella," said one commentator. Said another: "Either Maria's skirt is too short or she got in it too far." Okay, guess which was was Ross and which was Lawler?... You're right. Santino said the only thing better than Europe is his Maria. He baby talked her as she giggled. He said England, of course, is a dull, dirty country that can't compare to the beauty and romance of Italy. The crowd booed. Santino asked why they were so upset. He said it must be because everybody just got done watching "The Condemned" starring "Stone Cold" Steve Austin on DVD.

2 -- SANTINO MARELLA (w/Maria) vs. VAL VENIS

Not much to the match. Santino dominated with some mat hold including a long half-Boston crab. Then he sat on Val in the corner to stop his comeback and held the bottom rope for leverage to score the pin. Santino's shorts are a size too small, by the way. They're not flattering being an inch lower than his flabby waistline. Someone needs to tell him that, so I'll volunteer. Maria's outfit, with fishnet leg coverings, was unique but really worked. Okay, fashion critique over for the week.

WINNER: Marella in 3:00.

STAR RATING: 1/4* -- That whole thing was pretty close to pointless, other than Santino taking some shots at England and cheating to win against TV rival Val. I guess that's enough for a five minute TV segment.

-The WWE Diva Search video for the week played. They jogged down the beach and into the water and saved the life of a floating dummy and then performed CPR. Horny Todd Grisham said it was every guy's dream to be in the position of that dummy. Not Pat Patterson's, among others. Grisham was handcuffed by divas dressed as cops and punished. He looked quite content with his predicament. It's down to Lena, Taryn, Eve, and Brooke, for those keeping rack of names. [WWE.com has announced Taryn is out.]

-Coach told Carlito his apple was small. Carlito said it's small, "kind of like Hornswoggle." He laughed about Hornswoggle beating him with his cane. Carlito said that was cool. Coach said there was nothing cool about that. He said he thinks Mr. McMahon wanted him to get rid of Hornswoggle completely. He just needed to find him. Hornswoggle came up behind him and grabbed the apple out of Coach's hand and ran. Coach chased after him.

[Commercial Break]

-They joined the chase in progress as Hornswoggle ran from Coach. He ended up at catering and began throwing food at Coach, then tackling him over a table, then running away. Coach threw his suit jacket to the floor and left.

-Lawler and Ross laughed. Well, Lawler laughed and Ross looked nearly disgusted with what he just saw. They threw to a recap of Umaga beating up Triple H last week.

Vince McMahon [artist Neal Obermeyer (c) PWTorch]

-Backstage, Vince McMahon made his first appearance of the show. He was sipping coffee while looking at a pics of famous British celebrities such as Queen Elizabeth, Elton John, and George Michael. McMahon asked Regal, "How old is the queen, really?" Regal said, "Which one?" What, is this 1976 and an episode of "Match Game"? Queen/Gay puns? Really? McMahon demanded to know "where the hell is Triple H." Regal said after the beating he took at the hands of "Umanga," he's in no condition to appear. McMahon said, "You mean U-mah-gah!" (I hope Bruce Mitchell took notes on that pronunciation lesson from Mr. McMahon. It's not "You-mah-gah," Bruce.)

3 -- MR. KENNEDY vs. RANDY ORTON

Kennedy introduced himself, then Orton came out for another full ring intro. We'll find out if Mr. Orton is Mr. Ratings or not this week with this many appearances. Do chinlocks draw? We'll learn that tomorrow afternoon. "Let's call this the Ego-Bowl because these two never met a mirror they didn't like," said one announcer. Said the other: "Well, we know that Mr. Kennedy has a big ego, but let's face it, since Randy Orton became WWE Champion, his ego has its own zip code." Guess which came from Lawler and which from Ross. You're right. Kennedy swiped aside a dropkick attempt by Orton at 2:00 and scored a two count. Lawler said regarding Cyber Sunday voting, "You can vote as many times as you want, J.R. - just like in the election next week for Memphis mayor." After a series of mid-ring reversals, Orton gave Kennedy a backbreaker. Kennedy fired back with a cannonball. Hardy ran in and kicked Kennedy, then hit a Swanton prompting the ref to call for the bell. Orton flew at Hardy, but Hardy ducked and Orton flew over the top rope to the floor and retreated. Hardy celebrated mid-ring.

WINNER: Kennedy via DQ or a no contest in 5:00.

STAR RATING: *

[Commercial Break]

-Vince McMahon walked out to his full "No Chance" ring intro. Vince said sometimes he amazes himself with is own promotional genius. Like drawing a 2.8 rating on Raw last week, a ten year low, after years of taking his audience for granted and narrow-minded promoting of only certain sizes and personalities of talents? Nope, Cyber Sunday, where fans decide what happens. He crowd did the "What?" routine. He introduced Umaga, saying he would be Triple H's opponent at Cyber Sunday. Fans can vote for it to be a street fight, a first blood match, or a steel cage match. Lawler said they hear Triple H may have a cracked rib or two. McMahon said one choice the fans can choose is "street fight." He said this would be a street fight. Vince asked Umaga's jobber opponent what his name was. He said Andy Simmons with a British accent. The crowd cheered. Vince asked if he was scared. He said he was. Vince said he should be.

WHAT HAPPENED: HOUR TWO

4 -- UMAGA vs. ANDY SIMMONS

Umaga threw Simmons to ringside and then onto the announce table. Ross said someone should call Simmons's next of kin. Back in the ring he gave him a Samoan Drop onto a chair for the win. McMahon announced him as the winner.

WINNER: Umaga in 2:00.

-After the match, as two refs helped Simmons toward the back, McMahon got in his face and said another stip fans can choose is "first blood." He ordered a rematch with "first blood" stips.

4b- -- UMAGA vs. ANDY SIMMONS

He bloodied him with a Samoan Spike in a minute. Simmons bled from the mouth. "Just damn sad," Ross said.

WINNER: Umaga in 1:00.

-McMahon said, "Get him out of here. That looks nasty." As referees began to help him to the back, McMahon stopped them again and said there was a third option - "a steel cage match." He looked up and there was the case. It was set up just for this? Poor crew. McMahon said, before the cage match began, that he wanted to see a replay of what "Umaga just did to Triple H a few minutes ago." Ross and Lawler pointed out it wasn't Triple H and it wasn't a few minutes ago. McMahon did play-by-play of Umaga beating the jobber, but he kept referring to the jobber as Triple H. McMahon has gone bat-crazy.

4c -- UMAGA vs. ANDY SIMMONS

McMahon did play by play as Umaga beat up the jobber, with Vince still referring to him as Triple H. Umaga finished him off by pressing him into the air and throwing him into the side of the cage. The point was made, but it took a while to get there; might not be the best top-of-the-hour content in WWE's quest to regain lost viewers.

WINNER: Umaga in 1:00.

[Commercial Break]
-Hornswoggle got on a tricycle and rode away. Coach followed on a bike. Ron Simmons observed and said, "Damn!"

5 -- JILLIAN HALL vs. CANDICE MICHELLE

Before the match, Hall gave Lillian Garcia a hard time about her signing and said she is a real singer. Then she sang intentionally poorly. Candice won quickly in a rapid-fire minute. "Sudden and emphatic," said Ross. Lawler told Jillian to stick to signing, then added, "Did I just say that?"

WINNER: Michelle in 1:00.

STAR RATING: 1/4*

-Backstage, "The Glamazon" Beth Phoenix acknowledged Michelle is invoking her rematch clause, and added that being The Glamazon means she can make you get down on your knees because she's beautiful or because she makes you. She said Michelle will be on her knees next week.

-Hardcore Holly walked in on Cody Rhodes getting warmed up backstage. He asked Cody if he was tired of getting beat up. Cody said he can beat him and earn his respect. Holly said, "I've been beating people up even before you were swimming around underneath your daddy's polka dots." Nice image. Holly slapped Cody hard and said he wants to see some fire in him. Cody turned at him fuming mad. Holly seemed a little turned on and said, "Now that's the look I'm looking for."

[Commercial Break]

-The Smackdown Rebound aired.

-Lawler and Ross talked about the Batista vs. Undertaker match being added to Cyber Sunday. Lawler then voted for JBL to be the guest referee.

6 -- RORY (w/Robbie) vs. BRIAN KENDRICK (w/Paul London)

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch joined Ross and Lawler at ringside. Lawler asked if they mind getting referred to the Redneck Wrecking Crew. Murdoch said no, that's exactly what they are. Murdoch asked what America was wondering: "Is that Rory or Robbie in there?" It was Rory. Kendrick caught Rory with a kick as he charged at him. Robbie distracted Kendrick, then Rory finished him with his slingshot reverse suplex for the win.

WINNERS: Rory in 3:00.

STAR RATING: 1/2* -- WWE just doesn't get it. This is their idea of countering the dropping ratings? Cade & Murdoch on commentary was a nice bonus, as they're entertaining (esp. Murdoch), but jobbing out Kendrick in three minutes to Highlander Rory is just not what fans are looking for.

-They showed a bartender pouring drinks for some reason, then went to a video recap of No Mercy and the end of last week's Raw. The Ross and Lawler plugged Orton vs. Michaels.

[Commercial Break]

-A promo aired with Shawn Michaels who said anywhere he is, he'll be there to kick his teeth down his throat. He said as far as he's concerned, once fans are done voting, "as far as I'm concerned, it'll be HBK back in the saddle again."

-Back to Hornswoggle being chased by Coach. Hornswoggle ran into the Divas Locker Room. They all screamed. Are they always naked in there? Coach went in after him. Hornswoggle ran out with underwear, Coach was thrown out with garbage being thrown at him. Coach pursued Hornswoggle.

-A mysterious video aired, a remake of the "Save Us" video which said, "2nd Coming." Ross asked Lawler if he knew what the video meant. Lawler said he had an idea. Coach chased Hornswoggle to the ring. Hornswoggle hid under the ring. Coach grabbed a cartoonish TNT detonating device and pushed down on it mid-ring. It didn't blow anything up (as if Coach would have been safe standing right over the detonation under the ring. Coach investigated by going under the ring. Hornswoggle popped out the other side, saw the detonator, and then ran into the ring. Hornswoggle detonated it. The screen got distorted briefly, then smoke came out from under the ring. Smoke came out from under all four sides of the ring. Coach crawled out covered in black soot. America laughed. Or reached for the remote. Oh, wait, Holly vs. Cody is up next.

[Commercial Break]

7 -- CODY RHODES vs. HARDCORE HOLLY

With this match beginning when the TV main event usually starts, it's a giveaway that nobody's going to see a full Orton vs. Michaels match tonight. Cody, as usual, did his "I'm so f---ing cool I can't get over myself" strut to the ring. Did he walked the halls of his high school last year like that? Cody skinned the cat in the opening minute. Holly just slapped him afterward and beat on him for another minute. They exchanged small packages, then Cody scored two counts in rapid-fire sequence with a crucifix and schoolboy. The pin attempts continued until Holly nailed him with a dropkick. He followed with top rope bodyblock. Cody rolled through and scored a near fall. Holly followed with an Alabama Slam for the pin. Ross said Cody should saddle another horse to ride. That was just too easy.

WINNER: Holly in 5:00.

STAR RATING: *

-They showed a split screen of a serious looking Orton and a serious looking HBK.

[Commercial Break]

-Shawn Michaels made his full ring intro. Then Orton's. When the bell rang, Michaels went after Orton with a vengeance. He pummelled him to the floor, then threw him back into the ring. That's how the Sting-Angle match should have started at Bound for Glory given how Sting talked before the match - not with a collar and elbow hook-up. Michaels chopped Orton and went for a quick leverage pin for a near fall. Orton followed with an elbow to the chest. After a top rope elbow at 2:00, Kennedy ran into the ring and jumped Michaels. The crowd booed. Hopefully they knew that was coming. Hardy charged to the ring to even the odds, setting up presumably next week's tag team main event on Raw. Orton dropped Hardy over the top rope to the floor, then stalked Michaels, who was reeling from the Kennedy sneak attack. Orton went for an RKO, but Michaels blocked it, knocked Orton into Kennedy, then KO'd Orton with Sweet Chin Music. Michaels rolled around like a fish out of water next to Orton's limp body. Ross said next time those two wrestle, it could be for the WWE Title. He said it with the type of excitement that says, "You better vote for Michaels, not Hardy or Kennedy!" He added, "The next time, Michaels could end up the WWE Champion!"

WINNER: No contest in 2:00.

STAR RATING: 3/4* -- Obviously not a lot to it, but good action while it lasted.

FINAL THOUGHTS: It's kinda crazy to give away Michaels getting his hands on Orton on free TV instead of making people pay, but if you're going to do it - don't give viewers much and leave them wanting more. This was that. The rest of show didn't give off any vibes that WWE has decided the thin mid-card has anything to do with a drop in ratings, as it was business as usual there. No Triple H, but hype for Michaels vs. Orton should make for interesting ratings.

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