By James Guttman, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Raw "alternative perspective" review
February 3, 2003
LIve from Washington D.C. at the MCI Center
Live on TNN

Before I begin this week, I want to say a few things. Firstly, thanks to all of you who wrote in and awarded me "PWTorch.com's Rookie of the Year." It really means a lot to me and I can't even express how much I appreciate it. From the beginning I promised to give you guys my views on the world of sports entertainment - good or bad - and I've always tried to deliver. Thank you all for recognizing that and for allowing me the chance to share them with you. A big "thank you" to yesterday's birthday boy, Derek Burgan, for coming up with the idea for the awards, too. Derek seriously is the glue that holds this LOUNGE together and without him this place wouldn't be the same. Speaking of the LOUNGE…

This past week in his column at 411, Joshua Grutman offered me the chance to jump from the Torch and contribute to the 411 site. I take this as a huge compliment. However, I have decided to stay right here on PWTorch.com. Wade Keller and Jason Powell have always been fair with me and allow me a great amount of freedom here. Despite all those "Guest Editorials" that are in some Recycling Bin in Minnesota from 2001, Wade gave me a chance to come write for this site last September and I haven't looked back since. Growing up as a child of the "dirt sheets," Wade was a name I've known for years. It's been an honor to be here and as long as I'm going to cover wrestling for free, I'm going to be covering it here - although a free Torch subscription would be nice - wink wink. (JG Note: I italicized free because I'll sell out for money in a second. Seriously, you people should see my apartment). But I have nothing but respect for the crew over at 411 and thank Joshua for his kind words. It really put me in a good mood to know others appreciate my effort this past week. In fact, I don't think anything could put me in a bad mood this week. Wait. What? It's Monday? It's time for Raw? Oh…that did it.

When we last saw our Raw Roster so many questions were left unanswered. Will Chris Jericho defeat Scott Steiner for a chance to regain his precious World Championship? Has Kane found a suitable replacement mask to cover his big Katie Vick murderin' face? How will Uncle Eric Bischoff handle his diminishing trial period as General Manager? Where's the beef? Who's the Boss? What's your problem? Where's the remote? There it is. Give it here - let's rewind and watch Raw…

(JG Note: This was the best Raw opening I've ever seen in my life. The entire segment aired with the Spanish announcing dubbed over the vignette. I don't speak Spanish, but I gather that "Jefe" is "Chief" and "Eric Bischoff" is "puffy.") La Cucaracha Eric Bischoff is in his limo on his cell phone - the other end: Chief Val Morley. The Bisch and Val give a back and forth which can't really be made out over the Spanish Announce Team (JG Note: The announcers - not the wrestlers). Here's the gist - Easy E isn't there. Val Venis is there. Something about Austin. Is this how people who don't speak English watch Raw? Wow, I thought that Don West got annoying - this would give me a headache.

Raw Theme Plays - In France they call it "Le' Raw Theme"…because of the Metric System.

Hola! Es Raw! Esta noche…we are in Washington D.C.! The King and The Ross Reporter take over for their Spanish speaking counterparts and run down Raw. Tonight, Scott Steiner takes on Chris Jericho in a number one contender match for No Way Out. It's Triple H's perception of a stiff worker 2001 versus Triple H's perception of a stiff worker 2003.

She's got legggggssssss….. so we play her music….Not Te-est…we don't play his music….

Out come Mr. and Mrs. Testicle, Stacey and Test. Legz admits that while Chris Jericho's apparent decapitation of her two weeks ago was as much her fault as Y2J3. It seems that Miss Hancock openly admits that she should be more careful at ringside. But what does Stephanie's ex fiancé have to say about that? Well Test Tube thinks that Jericho better bring his shiny pants out here or else he's going to beat an apology out of his "ass." (JG Note: Punch. Plop. How'd that get in there?)

In Three Seconds you will have a funny goatee and an Assclown shirt on your TV.

Enter the King of the World. Jericho emerges from the locker room and he's got some issues with Andrew Martin's whining. He feels bad. But honestly, Test, Funny Pants has more important issues at hand. Tonight he's going to get dropped on his head by Scott Steiner en route to his Hunter Hearst Rematch at No Way Out. So, Testes - deal. Well, Andrew gives Jericho five seconds to apologize.

From behind - Edge's little brother, Christian rushes the ring and takes out the Head Testicle with a shot. Test falls into Stacey knocking her to the ground. Poetry shirt Christian takes apart the Testman repeatedly slamming him with punches. However, summoning his testicular fortitude, Ball takes control. After ridding the ring of Christian, Test walks off with a once again beat-up Stacey Kiebs. Good opening segment. This Jericho thing is working, isn't it? Wow. Hey! You got your mask back! Where ya going?

Kane is walking down the hall. He enters the office of Vice Principal Scott Guber aka Chief Val. But low and behold, Rob Van Dam is seated on the leathery coach (JG Note: "Dude, just waiting for Val to get back and we can hit this - you got a lighter?") Well RVD has a problem with the Big Red Dentist leaving him high and dry last week. Come on, Rob - you know the deal. When Kane-o lost his mask, he had to take off. Mr. Monday Night asks if Kane needs his mask to fight ala Spiderman. Before the war of words escalates to fisticuffs, Chief Val Strongbow enters and insures that it does. Tonight - The Big Red Machine versus the Whole Dam Show. Oh Val…you do have a purpose (JG Note: I found my special purpose!) I liked the gimmick of being Eric Bischoff's lap dog better back when Diamond Dallas Page did it. Thank you, tip your waitress. Watch this…

Commercial Break. If I go to Nassau Coliseum on Saturday and buy tickets to Raw, I can meet Jeff Hardy. (WWE Note: We are not responsible for anything you buy from Jeff Hardy)

Test is taking Stacey and running away from a fight which is what really makes you a man… or at least that's what teachers tell kids that get beat up at recess.

D-Von! Get our music some more words!

The Duds hit the ring and JR and the King apologize for the Spanish announce dub. It seems that the opening conversation between Chief Val and Puff Daddy Eric revolved around the Bisch heading to Austin's Texas home. They don't explain this - but I'm guessing that he's taking a limo there because he's too drunk to drive.

We Want Tables and Three-Minute Warning are in the ring as Chief Valiant makes his entrance. You wanted this to go off without a hitch? Not on the Big Chiefbowski's clock - special guest referee? Well, he looks sooooo good to you….Rico makes his spectacular entrance and this one is off and running.

(1) Three Minute Warning defeated The Dudley Boys when Jamal pinned Bubba Ray Not a bad match, although a bit short. Great spots by both teams which saw Rosy execute a split legged moonsault (JG Note: Pretty impressive). Rico Martel played the heel ref well and slow counted the Duds while quick counting Jamal's roll up of Bubba.

Following the bell hijinx ensued with Spike Dudley running down to the ring to join in on a family beatdown of 3MW and their Cabana Boy. Sideburns took a powerbomb through the Home Depot Table as we faded to…

Eric Bischoff is stranded in the same area that Bret Hart turned heel with a shovel back in WCW. Sleazy E is hungry and lost. But if Chief Morley can hold down the fort at Raw (JG Note: "Yeah, Val - keep the ratings to around 4.0 until we get back), Eric could continue his journey.

JR and the King apologize for speaking Spanish earlier and sell me the magazine featuring the guy who I was told I would never see again last June. Maybe I can find something better to buy during the…

Commercial Break. Hey Truth.com kid! If that guy "Donald" is really your friend - then buy him a shirt!

Raw Recap. Tommy Dreamer gives the Tough Enough kids a Bob Holly Welcome with his Singapore cane.

A countdown informs me that Bischoff has 7 days until Vinnie Mac sends him packing. I hope they send Eric a Fed Ex package to tell him.

Tommy Dreamer makes his way to the ring and prepares to fight…someone. But instead Triple H and his "Nice Clothes Crew" make their way to the ring. Playing to a silent crowd, the Degenerate Horsemen beat down the Innovator of Violence. Once Tommy's out of the ring - Triple H takes the mic (JG Note: Or as he likes to call it - "MINE!")

The Game explains evolution and begins to talk in those Hellwig-like abstracts that he kicks things off with during each promo. He shifts his attention to crazy old Ric Flair. Flair wrings his hands as Trips claims that he is the embodiment of everything Flair ever was. He took it all and wrapped it into one package (JG Note: The Total Package? That's the closest similarity I see to a star of the '80s). It's the body that all the men wish they had (JG Note: Pat Patterson) and all the ladies want to be with (JG Note: Shawn Michaels…ok that was a low blow…I meant Sean Michaels). Hunter continues to put himself over claiming to be everything short of the Lord Thy God. If the Game is the present - then who's the future? Dave Batista is the future. Triple says that in war "you take out your biggest gun and blow them all away" while giving Davey B the half-wink eye (JG Note: Why do all the guys seem to be hitting on Batista? He's like "Mango" from Saturday Night Live). That's enough, Hunter - go away - I hate you. Gamey then tells me about Ace Cowboy Randy Orton. Trips explains that while he himself is a diamond, Randy is the coal that will be squeezed into the next diamond. I swear - he said that. He called him coal. Segment ends and apparently the team is called "Evolution." Like the movie. I suppose Hunter is David Duchoveny and Ric Flair is that "Make 7-Up Yours" guy. You know what time it is…

Commercial Break. How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days? ECW had that down to a science.

Scott Steiner is bigger than you are and he's rubbing it in your face. As he pumps his insanely huge arms, Terri's insanely huge chest approaches and shows footage of Scott's beatdown last week at the hands of Jericho and Evolution.

Video Recap - I just told you - footage of Scott's beatdown last week at the hands of Jericho and Evolution.

How does Scott intend to take care of this issue tonight? The way he always has - with the small men he hides in his biceps (JG Note: The small men have guns).

Triple H and his friends are watching from a box in the back of the arena. They have their own waitress. Dave Batista hopes they have those delicious little quiches that he loves to make.

The Bisch is wearing sunglasses in the middle of the night. He approaches a Texas house and is greeted at the door by Bill Watts a big cowboy named Beuford. Beuford claims that Austin looks forward to meeting Eric but he's at the Longhorne Saloon. Well, that's no big deal for Uncle Eric! He knows exactly where that is! Time to drink until he forgets who signs his paychecks! Who signs Raw's paychecks? The commercials of course…

Commercial Break. Dead or Alive Volleyball. For when porn isn't low enough.

Why am I outside of the MCI Center? I just had to run out to my car. They're just watching a montage about Jazz punking out Trish last week anyway. I'm not missing anything in there.

(2) WWE Women's Champion Victoria pinned Molly Holly after a Widow's Peak Molly Holly was wearing a flowing Morticia Adams shirt that Ross and Lawler ripped on immediately. That's a bad sign, no? Victoria played the psycho gimmick as well as always and hit some good moves. Dead crowd for most of this - which is a shame. Good effort with these two doing some good athletic moves. Toria hits a Widow's Peak and gets the 1-2-3.

Following the bell, Toria went after Mighty Molly again but was pushed out of the way by the angry little Jazz. Jazz took Molly apart and when Vicki tried to step in - she was pushed away. Steven and Victoria Richards retreat as Jazz growls.

Goldust is backstage and is searching for internal answers as the Five-Time WCW Champion Booker T approaches him. Dustin knows that Book is destined for great things. He makes B.T. the deal that if they don't take the straps tonight - they go their separate ways. It seems to be a tough decision…but one made out of (sniff) love. The Spinaroonieman makes the deal and they're off. (JG Note: Booker should have said "Yo, Dawg, but the writers have nothing to give me. Makes no difference if we team or not. If it's not you, it'll be the Hurricane….Sucka!!!)

Commercial Break. Knowledge is the Anti-Drug. Yo…you looking for some knowledge? I know a guy that sells it down on third street….

Nathan Jones Promo - If I were Shannon Moore, I'd gather together all my cigarettes and prepare to hold on to Outback Nathan's hip pocket when he walks.

We are inside the Game's Skybox and he's toasting the Nature Boy with the bubbly. He does enjoy the good life, you know. Can't you tell? He's wearing a suit!

(3) WWE Raw Tag Team Champions Lance Storm & William Regal defeated Booker T & Goldust when Storm pinned Goldust Raw is brought to me by Milky Way which is "Pleasure You Can't Measure." I would like to know what they consider "Pleasure You Can Measure." What kind of sickos are working for that advertising agency? Regal Storm get their pre-match feel-up care of N.W.O. Nick Patrick who seems to be the ref for all these tag team title things. This crowd is pretty dead. When they do pop - it's sort of sullen. (JG Note: woo hoo hooray). Good back and forth action although the crowd didn't help to add to any drama to Goldustin's hopeful hot-tag. Finale saw Storm duck Goldy's clothesline and the Golden one colliding with Booker T. Storm hit him with a flying kick (JG Note: The Stupid Dope Lance Kiznick, son!) and pinned Dusty's kid. No more Rock and Sock Connection…err…Book and Gold Connection?

T takes the microphone and calls his former Golden Partner back into the squared circle. They hug and rejoice in their victories together while it lasted. If this segment doesn't end with Goldust turning heel - then this segment is really sort of … lame. This segment is lame. I don't think it was a horrible segment - but something a psycho Rockers-style 1992 Shawn Michaels BarberShop Post-Hug Attack would have helped out.

Up Next - RVD versus DDS. Midajah's Man versus Ralphus's man.

Commercial Break. Carrotop is an insult to our species.

Hey - is this the Gold's Club? Nope - Uncle Eric Bischoff is in the local townie bar in Austin's town. After the barkeeps mock Easy E's Girlie drinks - they tell him that Stone Cold is out of the area. In fact - he's in another town. Don't worry though, Eric downs his beer with bitter resentment and leaves a C note before taking his leave. (JG Note: After the segment, Bischoff returned and took back the $100 bill and drank the alcohol from the ashtray.)

Hell, Fire, and Brimstone…

Ponytail, Yin Yang, and Stiff Kicks..

(4) Rob Van Dam wrestled Kane to a no-contest after Jeff Hardy interfered Good match with two guys that have finally found something tangible to do on camera. By the way, everyone wrote to me to remind me that Kane got a new mask after losing it to X-Pac last year. Well, this was the same mask that Batista took. Maybe he just buys them. Maybe he makes them - like a Hardy Boys outfit! They go back and forth with some pretty intense action. Between some of Rob's kicks and Kane's offense, this one had some good high spots. Dr. Kane hit a pretty sick looking flying clothesline, which sent Rob Van Dam down with a neck injury. Well, Mr. Monday Night was playing old possum and took down the Red Machine with a kick. But when Rob climbed the buckle…

It's Kool-Aid Face Jeff Hardy, who shoves RVD from the top rope and then enters the ring and slaps Kane. Good move - dumbest thing he's done since putting on that shirt. Chokeslam from Kane - Splash from RVD. Kane and Rob are friends forever…like the "Saved by the Bell" song.

Booker is walking through the parking garage wearing nothing but his trunks. He's looking for Goldust and is told that he went back to his hotel room. Bookerman thanks him and goes on his way. That man is going to catch a cold!

Commercial Break. Do you think X-Pac owns an X-Box? He should.

Recap of the Hardly Boy getting punked out by the Big Red Machine.

Jeff Hardy is rolling around the ring trying to "sleep it off."

H (Drum Beat) B(Drum Beat) K(Drum Beat)

Shawn Michaels comes out (JG Note: hehe) and takes the microphone. You see, old Heartbreak originally showed up to deal with Canadian Chris, but he's got some words for Eyeshadow Jeff. Michaels sees wasted potential in Jeff and reminds him that 10 years ago he attacked his partner on the Barber Shop (JG Note: I swear I wrote that reference earlier before I saw this part of Raw. Wow. That was really freaky). Sean Shawn Michaels thinks that it's high time young Jeffery made the same career changing decision and stuck with it. Hardy grabs the microphone and insists that there isn't enough time to full explain who he is (JG Note: Thank goodness - I'm sure it would be terrifying). Instead, he will start kicking butt…tonight! With that, Jeff attacks the Heartbreak Man and gets kicked in the face. Jeff is down on the mat again. Is he doing Stasiak's old gimmick?

Commercial Break. Taco Bell presents the Montery Cheddar Chicken Quesadila. The only word in there that is probably even close to being factual is "the."

Sean O'Haire Promo - I'm still waiting for this one: "Go ahead, do it….You worked hard, you earned your spot…So what if she's your boss?….People are allowed to show affection to their boss… If it gets you extra TV time - who's it hurting?….No one… Do what you please, you deserve it… See that mannequin at the mall?… Take it…Bring it to work… Simulate sex with it… your boss will thank you…You might even learn a thing or two (A+)… If the ratings plummet, you can always blame the Tough Enough kids. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know…."

(5) D-Lo Brown pinned Maven after the Fade to Black. What a long, boring match. Please, don't get me wrong - these two guys aren't untalented. But if I wanted to see a basic match between two people who don't really have any solid storyline/feud attached to them - I could watch Indy guys do it a lot better. Here's an idea for you, WWE - have Jeff Hardy still be in the ring when this match starts. When Maven enters, have Jeff go after him with a fork. That would be more exciting than this basic showcase. Following the match, Theodore Long is on "Tony Schiavone Duty" as he tries to convince us to love something as obviously flawed as D-Lo Brown. Peanuthead leads the crowd in an imaginary chant of "Down with Brown" honoring Chaz's old partner. Bah.

Hunter is in his box and watching the action in the ring (JG Note: Just like he yells at the young guys to do backstage). Big Poppa Pump and Ted Irvine's kid are up next. Tista and Orton know what that means. I hope they do - cause I don't There's something scummy in Bandera, Texas.

Eric Bischoff is in Bandera, Texas and he's still on the Austin hunt (JG Note: If they didn't book him in crappy storylines last March - you wouldn't have to search for him now). It's still too sunny for Eric at night because his sunglasses are still on as he enters the bar that houses the Rattlesnake. As his stubby little fingers sling the door closed behind him, Jim Ross hypes the opportunity to see Steve…What? Steve Austin after the…

Commercial Break. If the naked Soccer man commercial makes you want to buy those sneakers - then you should really do some self-reflection.

Eric is down where the beer chases his blues away. He's in a bar and he's searching for the Texas Rattlesnake. Apparently the boy who ruined Ted Turner's company is getting the runaround because old Stone Cold isn't there. As he's leaving the bar, Eric is mocked by a young patron. Bisch responds by smashing a mug over the kid's head. He tells him that if Austin were here, he'd receive the same treatment. It seems that Eric has once again thrown away another opportunity for Raw as he exclaims "Screw Austin." I remember when Eric used to do karate. Now he just sort of stands there and wheezes.

JR assures me that Austin is coming back. I guess John Wayne came home - Boomer Sooner.

Randy Orton and his manservant Hecubus (Batista) approach the sullen Goldust, who apparently hasn't left the building. Randall inquires as to Scott Steiner's whereabouts (JG Note: Why is he asking Goldust? Oh…he's new…I forgot). When Dust doesn't answer, he's beaten down by Half-aloution and thrown into an open circuit box. Dustin's hand catches the wires and sparks and pyro fly out. The power is cut and the fire extinguishers are brought in. A bit hokey - but something different. I'm not going to criticize something if it's an attempt at something new…but again, it was a bit hokey.

Commercial Break. CSI, or as they said at the start of the show "Si Es Ay."

Goldust is fried and is being taken out of here on a stretcher.

Three seconds till Jericho gets dropped on his head.

Two seconds till Jericho gets dropped on his head.

One second till Jericho gets dropped on his head.

Jericho prepares to get dropped on his head.

Holla…if you're afraid that I'm gonna slip and kill you.

(6) Scott Steiner pinned Chris Jericho after a top rope Samoan drop. Yeah, so I'm not into Scott Steiner at all. I mean at all. Not only is he not delivering even close to the caliber of match that you would expect for someone that was brought in with so much build-up (JG Note: I'm not talking Rey Mysterio stuff here - I mean like…not screwing up basic moves). But even with that obvious shortcoming, his storylines have been structured to cut down his airtime and promowork. Is Scotty good on the mic? No. But would it kill them to get him a mouthpiece? Bischoff could work with him. I mean, Scotty has three biceps and Eric has three chins - it's meant to be. I guess for what it was, it was better than what you would expect with both guys hitting all the major moves. The ending saw the entire arena sweat bullets as Freakzilla awkwardly teetered on the top rope while holding up Jericho. Three seconds later and the Big Bad (Wrestler) Booty Daddy moves onto Triple H duty at No Way Out. Hunter is up in the skybox and he's cursing at his eventual opponent in the ring. But…

We cut to Sean Morley in the dressing room. Seems that Chief Venis is on the horn with Puffy Eric and is attempting to break the bad news to him about Goldust lighting up like a Christmas Tree. Suddenly, Vince McMahon enters the room just as Val's prepaid minutes run out. Vince warns Chief Wiggum that next week is the last attempt to turn this yawn-fest around or else he and Eric are fired. We get a good shot of the former porn star trying to deal with his eventual fate as the cameras fade to black.

All in all… Not a bad show tonight. I think the most important thing to look at when judging a show like Raw is the shows surrounding it. Did this program build off of last week's stories? Yes. Did it set us up with a direction and a reason to watch next week? Yes. Compared to a few weeks ago, this program is leaps and bounds off the charts. Compared to a few years ago, this program was less than mediocre. However, at the time we're at right now, when everything seems to finally be digging out of that snowball of poor programming, this show was just what we needed. Hopefully we'll keep things going with this momentum. Hopefully. You got an opinion? I'm sure you do. The e-mail is: JGuttman@pwtorch.com. Next week - Bisch's final hurrah? Who will I verbally bully without Easy E? See you in the Lounge Thursday with I2I and back here next Monday for Raw. I hope Shane McMahon got puffy and wrinkled otherwise I'm screwed…

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