TV REPORTS CALDWELL'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 7/3: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Spike TV show
Jul 3, 2008 - 10:00:40 PM
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By James Caldwell, PWTorch columnist
TNA Impact on Spike TV
July 3, 2008
Taped June 24 in Orlando, Florida
Report by James Caldwell, Torch columnist
After a sneak peek at the new Batman movie, the show opened with a recap of last week's show. Tonight is "The Mating Game."
Impact Zone: A.J. Styles's music hit and the females in the crowd started screaming. It could be Cena-like one day. Styles came out holding Karen Angle's hand on the way to the ring. Once in the ring, Styles spoke to the hard camera to address Kurt Angle. He said the one thing he cares about Kurt's wife. Fans chanted, "Angle sucks." He said Karen has to come to work every week afraid, especially of Kurt. Styles told Kurt to show up and get it over with tonight.
Instead, Team 3D came out and Karen became frightened. Ray sarcastically addressed the "happy couple" and claimed Kurt is not here right now. He said Kurt is scoring some really hot chicks, which prompted a "Shut up, fatboy" chant. Ray said Karen is the problem and she's nothing more than a soap opera bimbo. He said Styles is the problem because he's been sleeping with another man's wife. The segment became just utter trash as Ray threw out derogatory terms about Karen and women. Typical TNA writing.
Styles had enough and tried to jump Ray, but Team 3D knocked him to the floor. Ray whipped Styles into the ring steps as Karen looked on with concern. Devon then accidentally punched Ray and Styles teed off on both 3D members until Ray attacked Styles from behind. Back in the ring, 3D gave Styles a reverse neckbreaker before calling for a table. Before they could put Styles through a table, Rhino made the save with chair in hand.
3D bailed from the ring, then Rhino took the mic. Rhino said they tried to take him out, but it didn't happen. He said they tried to take out Christian, but Christian will be back at Victory Road. Rhino suggested a six-man tag for the PPV in Tables, Ladders, and Chairs. Ray waved his hands in the air not wanting any part of it. Rhino said in TNA, they like to call it Full Metal Mayhem. Fans screamed in agreement for the match. He said he would cut Ray, Devon, and Angle in-half with the Gore. Devon took the mic and said they're all good with that. He said they would love to have another war at Victory Road, but he told Rhino that it will be his blood on the hands of the fans.
Announcers: Tenay and West plugged Taylor vs. Raisha Saeed tonight. If Taylor wins, she gets Awesome Kong for the Women's Title next week.
Video package: Kurt Angle was on location hyping his three blind dates scheduled for today. Borash was documenting the whole deal. Angle walked into a gym to find his first date. He said Tiffany was supposed to be at the rock climb. The first girl, who was on the rock climb, was not in fact Tiffany. On the other side was an out-of-shape woman named Tiffany. Angle wasn't pleased with the turn of events. Why should he be disappointed? She could have had a nice personality and provided emotional stability that he needs rather than physical satisfaction.
Video promo: They showed clips of various TNA fans sending in videos on why they hate Robert Roode and James Storm. This is some scary stuff. ... Announcers: Mike Tenay screamed through his mad face about Fan's Revenge at Victory Road. On a split-screen, Tenay brought in LAX, who were on location in Houston doing PR work. Sure doesn’t look like any establishments I've seen before. Hector Guerrero cut a promo while Salinas just kinda did some stuff off to the side. Homicide and Hernandez did stuff with their tag title belts, while Hector snapped a belt and encouraged Houston to come out and be with LAX as they beat down Roode & Storm at the PPV. Suddenly, Storm's music interrupted back in the Impact Zone. Hector was confused as to what was going on, but he just kept talking.
Impact Zone: Roode, Storm, and Miss Jackie came out to the ring. They had a dueling Impact Zone vs. satellite feed promo battle. Cross-talk alert! Almost as bad as Big Show vs. Floyd Mayweather on that dueling promo before WrestleMania. Storm asked for some opponents so they could demonstrate what would happen at Victory Road. Suddenly, the designated jobber music hit, and out came Sabin & Shelley to face Roode & Storm.
1 -- BEER MONEY (JAMES STORM & ROBERT ROODE w/Miss Jackie) vs. CHRIS SABIN & ALEX SHELLEY
Action broke down at 3:00 when Shelley took a hot tag, then Jackie hopped onto the apron with a beer bottle in hand. Shelley ducked an alcohol shot and Storm took it in the face. Shelley then quickly rolled up Storm for the pin and the win. So, the team challenging for the tag titles lost to a team in the World X Cup. Got it.
Post-match: Beer Money quickly cuffed Sabin and Shelley to corners of the ring and started whipping them with belts. Some referees tried to maintain order, but BM strapped them for good measure. Some people off the street sporting "Security" t-shirts tried to restore order, but they were quickly dismantled. They even went to the announce table and started whipping Don West. Beer Money grabbed Dave Penzer and tossed him into the ring. He started beating on him until Jim Cornette interrupted. Cornette said if they whip Penzer one more time, they'll both be fired. They cut to a shot of West selling a shoulder injury. Cornette said he's going to find the two most upset and po'ed off wrestlers he can find in the back to face Beer Money later tonight. West, having lost all objectivity years ago, said he hopes they kick the living crap out of Roode & Storm tonight.
WINNERS: Sabin & Shelley in 4:00 inconsequential minutes. Wrestling match happened and was quickly forgotten. Moving. (1/2*)
Angle video package: Back to Kurt Angle for the second blind date. He said that first girl was so dang fat. Borash said Ray was just ribbing him on the first one. Someone named Melissa then sat down at this "restaurant" place. Angle said he really likes to manhandle guys. Paging Bruce Mitchell column. Angle started rambling on and on while Borash swung the camera around to reveal chest hair on "Melissa." Angle finally got wind of what was going on and figured out she was a man. Angle turned over the table and told Borash to get her...er...him out of here.
Impact Zone: Moose's indy-riffic entrance music hit and she came out for another Bimbo Brawl. Roxxi then came out for a random appearance on the show to face Moose.
2 -- MOOSE vs. ROXXI -- Bimbo Brawl match
West said he's sending in his video on why he hates Roode & Storm. Tenay, in a laughably canned response, reminded West that TNA employees are not eligible for the Fan's Revenge. Action quickly spilled to the floor where Roxxi dumped Moose onto the floor. She then rammed a shopping cart into the corner ringpost and whipped Moose head-first into the cart. Back in the ring, Roxxi picked up a street sign and slammed it over Moose's exposed head. Why? Roxxi then picked up a chair and slammed it across her back. She missed with a second chair shot, then Moose finished her off with a DDT into the street sign. Roxxi came up bleeding from the forehead-area. They spent exactly one second on the blood, rendering it a waste.
WINNER: Roxxi in 4:00. (*)
Cornette's office: Cornette and Borash brought in Kevin Nash to discuss a proposition of taking out Roode & Storm tonight. Cornette said he would make Nash happy if he takes care of this for him. Nash asked who his partner is tonight. Cornette reluctantly said it's Joe. Nash asked if he knows about this. Cornette said he hasn't told him just yet, then asked Nash if he has a problem with this. Nash said there's no problem; only opportunity.
Cornette's office: Now Cornette and Borash brought in Samoa Joe to discuss the deal with Roode & Storm. Cornette said he wanted to come to Joe first to discuss putting them in their place. Joe sat quietly and listened, then he stood up and shook Cornette's hand. Cornette slipped in, "tag team match," and Joe stopped in his tracks. Before hearing out Cornette, Joe screamed, "NO WAY!" in typical hot-headed Joe fashion. Joe said he won't be in there with Nash if that is who Cornette has in mind. "I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH NASH!!!" Joe shouted down to Cornette, who reasoned that Nash has been good for him. "HE DIDN'T WIN THAT CHAMPIONSHIP; I DID!!!!!" he said. Cornette said TNA needs this done. He told Joe that he's contracted talent, while he's management, and Joe has to do this. Joe paused and told Cornette he won't be responsible for what happens out there.
Video package: They focused on the relationship between Joe and Nash. Cliché machine was about to explode here.
Angle Part 3 video: They went back to Angle for his third date. She was a little nicer-looking. Looked like a professional businesswoman. Angle rambled on and on about being an ass-kicker as a kid. The woman kept excusing herself every few minutes. Angle just kept talking with a bunch of food in his mouth. He figured that she's bulimic. Angle decided to confront her on why she kept getting up. After Angle accused her of being bulimic, she claimed to have a medical condition called spastic colon. Angle got to the heart of the issue that she craps her pants. He laughed it up with Borash, then she stormed off. Borash laughed at Brother Ray getting him three times today, then Angle stopped laughing and said he was going to get Ray.
Impact Zone: Daivari led Alex Koslov to the ring for a World X Cup match. Team International needs a win to get on the board. Out came Rey Bucanero representing Team Mexico.
3 -- REY BUCANERO vs. ALEX KOSLOV (w/Daivari) -- World X Cup match
Koslov quickly started the "Russia, Russia" chant, but Rey answered with a backbreaker and a series of arm drags. Koslov was knocked to the floor, but Koslov scampered back into the ring and nailed a flip dive on the floor. Back in the ring, Bucanero dropped Koslov on his head with a wheelbarrow slam. He then went up top and hit a sentaun dive for the pin and the win.
WINNER: Bucanero in 2:00 to earn 2 points. Disappointingly short. We didn't even get Koslov's dance-kick-dance-kick combo that is pure greatness. I guess they had to squeeze in 18 more Kurt Angle skits. (1/2*)
Backstage: Borash caught up with Angle, who arrived at the building. Wait, Borash was with Angle the whole time during the blind dates, right? So confusing. Borash hyped the six-man tag that Brother Ray accepted on Angle's behalf, then Angle said he's going to take out Ray tonight himself for what he put him through.
Impact Zone: Kurt Angle came to the ring and shouted that Brother Ray screwed him on his three blind dates. He told Ray to show up so he could beat him. Ray then came out with Devon to answer Angle. Ray quickly threw out his hands apologetically, then said they're all friends here. He said they just need to take it to the back and discuss things in private. Ray spelled out the six-man tag and said the fans get to decide the match. I thought...it...was...Full Metal Mayhem? Confusion. Ray reasoned they share a non-fat Latté and talk things out. Angle said they made a horse's ass out of him, and he doesn't want to talk it out. Ray hyped up Angle for being the best wrestler in the world and The Man.
Ray said he told Angle he had the little black book with the hot chicks, but he lost it when he went home. He said he did what he thought was the right thing by using Devon's little black book. Ray said they know what kind of sick crap Devon is into, but he said he found a really hot chick for Angle tonight. He called out for Sandy to show up.
Some generic love-making music hit, and out walked Sandy. Angle lowered his shades to gawk at the faux blonde named Sandy. Tenay said it's like the old end-around play with Ray transferring the heat to Devon before bringing out Sandy. Ray said she's the hottest rat on the block. Angle surveyed her, then asked if she wants to go for a ride on the Olympic gold medal freight train. He asked Sandy what she can offer to him. Sandy said she's loving, likes to have fun, and she's really loyal. Angle shot back that none of them loyal. Segment just went trashy, again, as Angle ripped on her for being a woman.
Sandy fought back tears and told Angle, "screw you." He slowed down his temper and sarcastically apologized. He said he would never touch a woman, but he knows some people that would. Angelina Love and Velvet Sky then came out with the paper bag. They stuffed it over Sandy's head, then Karen Angle came to the ring and tossed Angelina down. She shoved Velvet to the ground and confronted Kurt before slapping him. Kurt pulled off his belt to threaten Karen, but a group of random people hit the ring to attack the heels. Rhino, ODB, Gail, and Styles led the charge for the babyfaces as they cleared the ring.
Booker T locker room: Booker welcomed in Jeremy Borash to his pimped-out locker room. Booker told Borash to put on a fancy jacket before interviewing him. Booker pulled out a little alcohol, then Borash asked him about Joe & Nash vs. Beer Money. Booker, channeling a little bit of his royal gimmick, talked about Joe being distracted by Nash's games. Booker said he has it all except for the TNA Title that he vowed to win in his hometown at the PPV.
Rough Cut: They showcased Matt Morgan in Part 3 of his journey to wrestling. He said he was shipped off to OVW where he hooked up with Cornette. Cornette said Morgan was a greenhorn when he first came down, but he was ready to grow into the role. Morgan said he was thrown to Smackdown prematurely, and his first match was a six-man tag against Angle & Benoit & Cena. Angle talked about the stuttering gimmick, then Cornette said it was a waste of talent. Morgan said he learned from the experience. ... Reminds me, what happened to the Sting videos? Oh well.
Impact Zone: Yoshino led out Milano Collection AT for a World X Cup match. Milano led out his imaginary dog to the ring. Curry Man then came out with Kaz. Tenay said Curry is able to represent Team TNA due to his contract status with a U.S.-based organization. Is there a governing body or set of rules or guidelines that we're not aware of?
4 -- MILANO COLLECTION AT (w/Masato Yoshino) vs. CURRY MAN (w/Kaz)
Milano went up top early on, but Curry Man moved out of the way and started his comeback. They traded matrix-like counters before Milano nailed an enziguiri kick and measured Curry for a crescent kick that resulted in a nearfall. A moment of confusion for the referee led to Milano low-blowing Curry from behind. He then hit a twisting moonsault for the pin and the win.
WINNER: Milano in 4:00 to earn 2 points for Team Japan. From a viewer's perspective, too short and not enough background on Milano to care about this. (1/2*)
Backstage: Lauren was randomly on the show to interview Beer Money. Roode said Sabin & Shelley had nothing to do with anything, but they were simply in the way of their rampage tonight. Lauren dejectedly answered Roode's rhetorical question before Roode busted out some Beer Money t-shirts. Some really cheap press-on shirts they probably got from a mall kiosk. Lauren just looks completely turned off by this company at this point. Roode said at Victory Road, they're going to bust out some bigger straps for the tag match. Roode addressed Joe & Nash to tell them a new sheriff is in town. They walked off and Lauren simply dropped the mic to her side.
5 -- RAISHA SAEED (w/Knockouts champion Awesome Kong) vs. TAYLOR
Tenay said Taylor proposed to Jim Cornette last week. Check that, she proposed that she take out Raisha and she gets the title shot against Kong. Kong became involved early on and took out Taylor on the outside behind the ref's back. Raisha whipped Taylor into the ring steps before rolling her into the ring. Raisha tried to finish her with a moonsault, but Taylor made a comeback with a series of clotheslines. After another distraction, Taylor managed to execute a German Suplex with a bridge on Raisha. Ref re-entered the ring and made the count for the three count to give Taylor a title shot next week.
WINNER: Taylor in 4:00. Fine match. This show has just fallen into TNA's old habits of packing too much onto the show that an "unknown from the crowd" getting a title shot doesn't mean much when it should. (3/4*)
Backstage: On a split-screen, they showed Nash and Joe walking separately to the ring for the main event.
Video package: They focused on the Angelina Love vs. Gail Kim feud. D'Amore said Angelina probably had a sinking feeling when Gail won the TNA Title on one of Angelina's first nights in the company. Angelina said she'll be a better Women's champion than Gail ever was. D'Amore said there will always be competition when there can only be one number one.
Impact Zone: Beer Money came to the ring for the main event as Tenay hyped the tag title Fan's Revenge match at the PPV. Kevin Nash, then Samoa Joe came out as the opponents.
6 -- BEER MONEY (ROBERT ROODE & JAMES STORM w/Miss Jackie) vs. TNA champion SAMOA JOE & KEVIN NASH
Nash started things off, then Joe tagged in and cleared the heels to the floor. Beer Money regrouped as they cut to break.
Beer Money was in control out of the break, working over Joe in center ring. Joe then made a comeback and walked over to his corner to make a tag, but he instead flipped off Nash and walked into a clothesline. Nash had enough and entered the ring on his own to land a double clothesline. Nash cleared Storm while Jackie handed some cuffs to Roode. Joe ducked a cuff-shot and tried to slap on the rear naked choke. Roode landed a mule kick with Hebner distracted (what a surprise!) and went for the pay-off, but Joe blocked and landed a kick to the head. Joe then finished off Roode with the Musclebuster in center ring. He made the cover for the win.
WINNERS: Joe & Nash in 8:00. Fine tag match to reinforce the issues between Nash and Joe. Not so fine for Beer Money, which picked up two losses tonight. And they're challenging for the tag titles at the PPV. (*)
Post-match: Nash slowly made his way back into the ring and he had a staredown with Joe. They jawed back and forth until Sting's music hit. Hm... Sting, apparently the camp counselor ready to solve their problems, was nowhere to be found. They suddenly cut to the rafters where Sting was shown staring blankly into the ring. 1998 called and it wants its gimmick back.
We welcome your 1-10 score and comments on this show for an "Impact Reax" feature in the Torch Feedback section of PWTorch.com. To contribute your thoughts on Impact, click here.
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