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CALDWELL'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 1/29: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Spike TV broadcast...on Friday afternoon

Jan 30, 2009 - 3:40:32 PM

By James Caldwell, assistant editor

TNA Impact on Spike TV
January 29, 2009
Taped Jan. 26 in Orlando, Fla.

Intro: The following message has been brought to you by the Main Event Mafia. MEM babyface promo cued up in black and white. A new face tries to destroy their message of hope. "Yes we can!" That threat is the nasty Wolfpack, known as the Frontline.

Jarrett's Office: Kurt Angle has his paperwork and monitors set up to direct the show tonight from Jeff Jarrett's old office. Jim Cornette doesn't care. Angle had security escort Cornette over to the couch to watch the disaster. Angle counted it down...three, two, one, action. Why, oh why, would he send it to the Impact "Cross the Line" video package? Doesn't MEM have its own intro?

Announcers: Chet Lemon (Kevin Nash) and Black Snow (Booker T) ringside calling the action tonight. Everybody show your love. Graphic for refs was classic. Rudy Charles smiling with a goofy hand-on-hands pose and Rudy Thomas very angry. Kick it to Sharmell.

Backstage: Sharmell brought in ODB, then insulted her for hitting up the truck stop drivers. ODB said she's drunk and Hornswoggle, so she doesn't care if she has to take on all of Kongtourage. Sharmell said Taylor and Roxxi have been escorted out of here, so she has no back-up. ODB didn't care and smacked herself on the way out.

Impact Zone: Scott Steiner was in the ring announcing the opening match as a "non-titles match." Steiner struggled to announce Sojourner Bolt, then cussed his way through giving up on trying to announce the team. Booker T laughed it up while Steiner kept struggling to stop shaking his paper. Looked like a crumbled-up contract that was found in the trash. After Kongtourage came out, Steiner introduced ODB, providing the full name.


Booker, playing the role of Busta Rhymes tonight, was hilarious introducing ODB before the opening lock-up. Nash was concerned with ODB blowing up in the right tonight. Speaking from experience, there. Booker on a roll going non-stop talking about the action. Nash insider info: ODB has heat with Kurt if she's up against Khan. (Angle rumored to be dating Khan.) Kong entered the ring to get some of ODB, but ODB came back with some Super Shane punches that led to her hitting a dive onto all four of them. Booker said Kong has a bad shoulder, but not tonight. Action broke down with all four working on ODB, but ref Slick Johnson didn't help her out. With everyone in the ring, Kong hit the implant buster for the win. Post-match: Nash provided analysis that it's Kong vs. ODB for the Knockouts Title at the PPV.

WINNERS: Kongtourage in 4:00. Greatest call of a handicap match ever from Booker, who never stopped talking, his voice becoming lower and lower and lower as the match progressed. Nash was a good straight man, simply interjecting a thought or two when Booker took a breath. Match didn't matter based on TNA's presentation. (1/2*)

Jarrett's Office: Angle was screaming in excitement about how great the production was of that match. Cornette screamed at him, then chucked his papers on the couch. Borash told Corny to slow his roll, then Dr. Angle went back to checking his paperwork to look over the next match. Borash suggested they just calm things down and go back to the regular broadcast. Angle said he's evened this out by having Sting in a handicap match tonight. Borash said he has good word that Mick Foley is on his way to the building. Angle laughed and stomped his feet, then begged Foley to show up with his so-called back-up. Ever since Karen left, Angle thinks Borash is trying to get to him. Borash admitted he has strong feelings for Kurt. Well, that creeped Angle out. He then sent him off with some t-shirts to sell. And don't pocket a penny!

[Commercial Break]

Backstage: Sharmell with TNA's finest. No, it was the TNA refs. Andrew Thomas was cold and/or disturbed. Rudy Thomas was ready for his senior high school photo. Earl Hebner was looking for a way out. Sharmell asked the refs about having to face Booker tonight. Earl didn't want his promo time and merely nodded like a chicken before walking off. Rudy: A lot of people only know me as Rudy the referee, but I'm an accomplished amateur wrestler. Andrew asked if he's high. We gotta face Booker T, man. "Booker T!" This was like a bad version of the Sandlot.

Impact Zone: Time for a meat-grinder, said Steiner. Borash was shown selling merch in the arena. Steiner brought out Andrew Thomas and Rudy Thomas - both victims of having two first names. Rudy shook hands with the fans on the front row on the way to the ring while Andrew was fortunate to be wearing dark pants. Steiner then brought out Booker T, who smiled it up graciously before swigging some water in preparation for the match.

2 -- Legends champion BOOKER T vs. ANDREW THOMAS & RUDY CHARLES (w/Earl Hebner)

Nash flying solo on this call as Dark Snow turned into Booker T before entering the ring. Actually, Steiner on commentary for Booker. Borash made his way to ringside hocking t-shirts. He claimed they're selling fast. Nash asked for a few shots. Bell sounded and Rudy wanted a pre-match handshake. Ref Earl is your referee tonight. Booker clotheslined a charging Rudy awkwardly, then Booker picked him up and slapped him. Booker slowly lifted up the dead weight, then wrapped his leg around him for a leg sweep. Nash said it's a MMA approach to the business tonight. Booker stomped him in the gut, then bounced off the ropes for an easy Axe Kick in center ring. Andrew was shocked. Rudy was lifeless.

Nash inquired if Andrew is going to man up tonight. Booker then dragged Rudy's lifeless hand over to Andrew for a hot tag. Andrew threw his hands up, so Booker booted him in the gut before landing a clothesline. Crowd quiet as this was dragged out for a while. Booker landed a round of chops before kicking him in the face. Ref Earl just kinda walked around surveying the scene. Nash said he has to plug something real quick. Exclusive: check the Mobile phone on who will be the next member of the Mafia. He said if you do text Mobile, he will be sending out a free naked shot of himself. Booker finally finished off Andrew with the Book End for the win.

WINNER: Booker in 5:00. Gave new meaning to referee incompetence in TNA. Nash was simply great on commentary. Booker managed to drag out five minutes and tell a really nice story of complete dominance. Greatness. (n/a)

Post-match: Booker argued with ref Earl, then Shane Sewell stormed the ring and attacked Booker. Shane ripped off his shirt and attacked Booker with haymakers while Nash and Steiner called the beating. Booker then landed a knee to the gut and hit the axe kick. "Booyah!" Nash said. Always wanted to type that.

Jarrett Office: Angle was laughing it up while talking to Nash on the headset. Nash informed him there's a hot girl in the audience. Suddenly, Sting walked in not very pleased. He said he knows what Angle is up to here. Angle asked Sting if he can't beat two guys. Sting told him to think about something. See, in two weeks, he's going to be back in the ring with Brother Ray and Brother Devon. The only diff is that Angle is going to be there, too. So, who do you want at the PPV - Friendly Sting or Foe-ly Sting. He shoved his bat in Angle's chest across the desk, then told him to think about.

[Commercial Break]

Backstage: Sharmell brought in Matt Morgan for a promo. Sharmell said he has Petey Williams tonight and Petey has to tie one hand behind his back. How, oh how is Morgan going to overcome that little munchkin? Morgan said it's tough, he knows. He first talked himself up as the DNA of TNA, and tonight he has to man up eye-to-well...kneecap against Petey. Dang Mafia! Morgan turned to Abyss, his PPV opponent, and told him to beware. Much better promo from Morgan.

Impact Zone: Holla if you hear Steiner. Deal is that Petey must have one arm tied behind his back. First up, the Blueprint. Black Snow back on commentary with Nash, who said he uses way too much oil. Booker said he knows Morgan is a big guy. A real big guy. A big guy. Is he a big guy? Yeah, that's all they know about him. Steiner announced Petey Williams, from that suck-whole country. But, first, a promo on Barack Obama. Don't build the wall between Mexico, but build it around Canada to keep them out, he said. Out came Petey, who was still dressed in the Steiner gear for some reason. Booker: "He still has the moustache and little black gimmick." Oh, that was too great. Slick Johnson roped up Petey, then the bell sounded.


Morgan went down to one knee to give Petey a chance tonight. Petey landed a dropkick to the gut, but Morgan kicked him away. Random graphic for Universal Studios appeared on the screen. Did Angle approve that? Booker said Petey has a lot of heart; he's been beaten down a whole lot of times, but he still keeps coming back. "One thing about Morgan is that he is a big guy," Nash said. That's about all the analysis that can be squeezed out of that lemon. Morgan with a sidewalk slam, but he wasn't done with Petey. Pulled up on the pin, then stomped on Petey and played to the Mafia ringside. Steiner hopped on the apron, not even to run interference, but to tell Morgan to break him in half. Nash wondered if Morgan has any regrets about that tattoo on his back. Ref Slick then helped Petey untie himself, as Nash said Morgan will fall for Petey playing opossum. Petey made his two-hand comeback, then went up top and landed a dropkick. He then dropkicked Steiner off the apron. "What the hell is going on?!" Snow shouted. Petey talked trash to Steiner, then walked back into the ring to accept the bicycle kick from Morgan for the pin. Booker said Morgan just took it to the pay window and got paid a whole lot.

WINNER: Morgan in 4:00. Oh wow. They managed to make Morgan look a complete goof, but still put him over, while Petey was sadly a part of this with no chance of benefiting. TNA parodying itself and the company's traditionally downright horrible booking is so great. I'm convinced TNA spent the last three years ass-backwards booking to build up tonight's greatness from the Mafia. (*)

Post-match: Morgan with an attack on Petey with the Blueprint Bomb, the Hellraiser, Mile High Club, or whatever he calls it. Steiner then put Petey in the Steiner Recliner. Booker said he's going to stretch him. Suddenly, some generic men stormed the ring and made the save. Snow left the broadcast position and Booker was suddenly in the ring to take out the Frontline. Booker took a mic with him to run commentary as the Mafia cleared out the Frontline easily. Booker with the big thrust kick on Creed. Nash said he'd be in there, but he has a staph infection. Booker then built up his big post-match kick on Petey and delivered.

[Commercial Break]

Impact Zone: Team 3D's music hit and Brother Ray and Brother Devon came out on stage staring down the Frontline. Booker went in and out of character from Booker and Black Snow. "I'm Black Snow," he claimed. He told them they can talk to Booker T some other time. Nash wanted to know who gave them a mic. "Fire him," he said. "Fire her." Ray bowed to the mat, then took the mic and said he actually feels bad for Sting. Ray said they don't want to fight Sting in this handicap match. Ray said he can't believe Angle booked him in a match with one of the greatest tag teams ever. "Harlem Heat in the house?" Snow asked. So great cutting off Ray patting himself on the back. Ray asked Sting why he continues to lie to himself and the fans. Nash said he's trying to stir trouble. He said one of them will be the next World champion at the PPV, which Booker took offense to before sending it to break.

[Commercial Break]

Impact Zone: Steiner officially announced Team 3D as hailing from Dunkin' Donuts in the great state of obesity. Steiner then introduced the current (what?) TNA (what?) World (what?) champion (what?), Sting. Booker said 3D has some animosity underneath all of that hooplah. He said Ray probably want to be Mafia, but don't have a suit that fits. Nash suggested they would buy from the husky section. Booker went to ECW, a little independent promotion, saying they've won all those tag titles on some little independent show. "When you sell a DVD in Japan, that doesn't make you a worldwide company," Snow said.

4 -- TNA World Hvt. champion STING vs. TEAM 3D (BROTHER RAY & BROTHER DEVON) -- handicap match

Sharmell on commentary with Booker, who said he's going to butter her down like a biscuit. Oh dear, this is too much. Booker went to the Blade Runners tag team for Sting in the Mid South. Nash with a Jim Hellwig reference. First for everything in TNA. Ray and Sting went nose-to-nose after Devon had the first piece of Sting. They had a shoving match leading to a tie-up with Sting winning via "some trickery." Ray fired back with right hand jabs. Booker said he might have lost three or four pounds since last week's contest. Brother Devon in. Booker: "I tell you, this guy has a 42" waistline and when he drops it on you, he drops it on you." Sting had enough and left the ring to survey things. Booker told him to come over and chat. Steiner gave him a little shoulder rub, then Ray attacked Steiner and shoved Sting back into the ring. Cut to break with Sting back in control.

[Commercial Break]

Back from break, Sting with an "oh snap!" suplex on Devon for a two count. Booker said it wasn't just any suplex, but a snap suplex. Ray took a hot tag at 6:00, then landed a big clothesline. Sting fed Ray for a sidewalk slam for a two count. Booker with 45-minutes against Flair, hour-broadways. Ray then busted out the Book end that upset Snow. Steiner ran interference on the ref, then Angle showed up and low-blowed Ray from behind. Sting landed a DDT, then covered Ray for the pin, but Ray kicked out. "What the hell?" Booker asked. He suggested Ray was drinking something earlier. Sting with ten punches on Devon, but Ray got him from behind and set up the Doomsday Device. Ray covered Sting, but Angle broke up the pin for a DQ. Who's timekeeper?

Post-match: Angle beat down on Devon while Steiner beat down on Ray. Snow dropped the headset, then Booker went under the ring to retrieve a table. Nash checked in that no one called for the table, but Booker is setting it up anyways. Before anything could go down, Mick Foley's music hit. Suddenly, LAX and a man in a janitor suit hit the ring. Foley brought up the rear behind Abyss as the Frontline cleaned house. Foley with the save, as usual. Nash told the Mafia to get out of there to fight another day. Sharmell demanded a break.

WINNER: Team 3D via DQ in 9:00. Booker was the story on this one, doing a number on everyone with the play-by-play. Match was inconsequential and forgettable, just like the other matches on this show, but Booker continued to be great with his irreverent take on the entire show. (*)

[Commercial Break]

Impact Zone: Foley took the mic and said as amusing as this experiment may have been at times, this is over. How did he know about it if he wasn't in the building? Foley said first off, Hernandez cashed in his Feast or Fired World Title opportunity against Sting, but that ended prematurely thanks to the Mafia. So, at another time TBD, Hernandez will get his title shot. Foley said the good news/bad news for Steiner tonight is that he'll be in a Weapons match against Abyss. Foley said Abyss gets to play with any weapon he chooses, but Steiner gets nothing. Nash asked who let Foley buy into this company anyways. Foley likes handicap matches, too, so Angle gets one against LAX. Sharmell said it's discrimination. Nash said he is disgusted. Foley told them to have a great day.

Backstage: Mike Tenay has legs! Cornette brought in Penzer, Lauren, Tenay, and West to tell them to return to their jobs. Cornette told West and Tenay to head back to the Impact Zone with him. Borash: "C'mon, back to work!" And now the show falls apart...

[Commercial Break]

Impact Zone: Cornette stood over Mike Tenay and Don West as they brought us back to the show by breaking down the Against All Odds line-up. Impact will never be bearable ever again. It was like getting a taste of the most-amazing vanilla bean sundae with assorted sprinkles, then having it ripped away and replaced with a scoop of dirt. Cornette added a match to the PPV. Booker vs. ref Shane in a fight. It's going to get personal at AAO.

5 -- SCOTT STEINER vs. ABYSS -- Weapons match for Abyss only

Abyss came to ringside and chucked weapons into the ring while Steiner tried to throw them out since he can't use them. Nothing goofier than watching Abyss charge an opponent for a corner splash with those big high knees, like he's running through tires on the football practice field. Action moved to the floor where Abyss knocked Steiner head-first into the base of the Spanish announce table. He charged Steiner, but Steiner easily moved and Abyss clumsily (and unintentionally comically) crashed through the paper-thin wall.

[Commercial Break]

Back in the ring, Steiner dropped an elbow, then did some push-ups. For some reason, they came back and replayed Abyss crashing through the wall five times. Did they want to hammer home how big of a goof he looked doing that? This whole show has been booked to make goofs out of the Frontline and/or default babyfaces. So great, because they don't have any credibility to begin with. Back in the ring, Abyss with a can shot to the face, but Steiner kicked out. Steiner was busted from the forehead, then he went looking for a weapon. Steiner grabbed the ringbell, but ref Slick insisted he not use it. Abyss blocked a bell shot anyways and landed a chokeslam on the trash can for a two count only. Abyss wanted to use the bell on Steiner, but Steiner smashed the bell into Abyss's head with a pipe. Slick DQ'ed Steiner for using a weapon.

Post-match: Steiner cracked a chair over Abyss's back, then upper shoulder region, then to the back of the head. He jammed the chair into Abyss's throat, then the lights went down and out. Oh great, it's Suicide. "What? ... Suicide?!" West said. Suicide drifted into the ring and Steiner was completely unfazed waiting for the lights to come back on. Suicide landed an elbow strike, then a random blow to the middle turnbuckle. Poor Steiner had to sell for this ridiculous gimmick. Steiner rolled to the floor, then Abyss and Suicide posed. Suicide did the Fallen Angel pose for Christopher Daniels, then the lights went down and out again. Suicide disappeared. Abyss was confused.

WINNER: Abyss via DQ in 9:00. Fine weapons match, but another unlikable "babyface" character was featured here. This whole show was all-about creating dislike for any babyface character because of how great the Mafia was at making this show watchable. (*)

[Commercial Break]

Video package: Soon, you will all chant my name: Brutus Magnus. His debut is next week.

TNA Global: Roll footage from TNA's European tour. Clips of Samoa Joe and Dixie Carter and the Beautiful People. Last Saturday, over 8,000 fans set a new TNA live attendance record.

Backstage: Lauren brought in two dudes from Toughest Cowboy while a bull was munching on something to the side. Guy #1 hyped the upcoming Spike show. Winner of the show wins a ranch. Guy #2 talked up TC, the bull. James Storm and Robert Roode interrupted, throwing TC off his game. Storm didn't care they were world champion cowboys because they're world tag champs. Storm made a "yo momma" joke, then they cut away before things could escalate.

Impact Zone: Tenay and West cheesed it up, making us wish for Chet and Snow again, then LAX came out for the main event. Angle out next.

6 -- KURT ANGLE vs. LAX (HERNANDEZ & HOMICIDE) -- handicap match

LAX went fast and furious on Angle, then Hernandez landed a big over-the-top dive onto Angle on the floor. They cut to break with LAX in control.

[Commercial Break]

Back from break, Angle slapped on the anklelock with Homicide caught in the middle of the ring, but Homicide kicked away. Angle wanted the Angle Slam, but Homicide countered into a DDT. They ran the spot where ref Earl didn't see the hot tag to Hernandez, so Angle went back to work on Homicide. Angle rolled through on a waistlock into the anklelock, but Homicide escaped and Hernandez entered at 12:00. Hernandez wanted the Border Toss, but Angle slipped out and threw Hernandez to the floor. Homicide hit the Gringo Cutter, then wanted the Gringo Drop, but Angle rolled through and hit the Angle Slam for the win. DVR out.

WINNER: Angle in 13:00. Gave LAX some rub, but also showed they're incapable of winning big-time matches, even with a man-advantage. Okay conclusion to the show after such greatness in the first 75 minutes. (**)

Post-match: Angle celebrated at LAX's expense. After the show went off the air, Angle talked to Borash about dominating the Frontline once again. Borash said he got $440 off those t-shirts. He was getting $30 a piece. That divides out to $14.67 per shirt. Who's getting the other cut? In any event, Borash said Nash and Booker probably won't win any announcer of the year awards, but they certainly turned the tables. Oh, yes they will win!

We welcome your 0-10 score and comments on this show for an "Impact Reax" feature in the Torch Feedback section of To contribute your thoughts on Impact, click here.

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