TV REPORTS CALDWELL'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 4/30: Mafia Mafia Mafia, Foley is nuts, Mafia Mafia Mafia, Guns rule, Mafia Mafia Mafia, Styles & Joe turned into chumps
May 2, 2009 - 2:15:07 PM
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By James Caldwell, Torch assistant editor
TNA Impact on Spike TV
April 30, 2009
Taped Apr. 22 in Orlando, Fla.
Video opening: Last week was supposed to be so grand with Mick Foley as new TNA champion. Instead, it was "a dark day in hell." Meanwhile, Samoa Joe is crazy. "The Godfather's Revenge" tonight.
Earlier today: Jeremy Borash caught up with Jeff Jarrett, who no-sold a Board of Directors question. "No comment!" Jarrett yelled very grumpily. Grumpy Gus Jarrett. Later, Mick Foley was shown walking out of the BOD "meeting" out after giving "Dixie" some love off camera. Foley said Jarrett can't fire him. They work together for TNA; he doesn't work under Jeff. Foley was back to his crazy self of trying to explain why he nailed Jarrett with a chair last week. Just an ordinary little friendly love tap to the head.
Impact Zone: Back to normal with the Main Event Mafia showing up in the arena first to have a long, opening talking segment. No sign of Sting. Mike Tenay said he can't help but think about the "heat" between Sharmell and Jenna Morasca. Angle said that for the past six months, he's been referred to as The Godfather because he's the man in charge who makes things happy. Booker's Hollywood audition role this week was looking very serious with a sucker in his mouth.
Angle turned his attention to Mick Foley. He said there will be consequences for Foley nailing him with a steel chair last week. Angle offered Jeff Jarrett something he can't refuse. If he puts him in the four-man dance for the TNA Title at Sacrifice, he will give up his role in the Mafia. If he gets pinned, the person who pins him takes the role. In the interim, Angle vowed a hostile takeover of Foley's job tonight. He told him not to screw him because you get the thorn of the rose. Ouch.
Backstage: Borash with Mick Foley for instant reaction. Foley was just strumming an air guitar in his office chair. Foley acted dumb about Angle's promo. Jarrett then walked in and said he should beat the crap out of him right now, but he won't. Foley sarcastically said Angle just threatened him, but he has 25 big ones over his eye, so he wants to make sure Jarrett has his back tonight. Jarrett said he'll turn his back on Foley, but you got yourself into this mess, so you get out of it. Grumpy Gus Jeff stormed off.
Backstage: Apparently we need more clarification of what Angle just said, so Lauren interviewed Angle from the Mafia locker room. Angle said he's going to whip Foley at Sacrifice. Steiner was upset in the background. He wants a piece of Jarrett right now. Angle said he knows Jeff did them wrong at Lockdown, but he needs Jeff to help them out. Scott wiped his goatee, calmed down, and said it's all good.
Impact Zone: Team 3D tag team tournament match time. IWGP jr. tag champions Motor City Machineguns came out first sporting their mini-belts. I'm from Texas, so I've seen belt buckles much larger than those straps. Amazing Red then came out, making his return to TNA. Haven't seen him since those wonderful Friday afternoon FSN days. Much different look. Short hair with heavy product keeping it gelled up. X Division champion Suicide came out as his partner. Don West sold us on the match: "It won't be boring." Way to stick to the script: "TNA: Anything but boring."
1 -- X Division champion SUICIDE & AMAZING RED vs. IWGP jr. tag team champions MOTOR CITY MACHINEGUNS (ALEX SHELLEY & CHRIS SABIN)
Cue up a ton of spots and stuff early on. Guns toyed with Red by wrapping him up in a ball, then Sabin posed on Red's back. Red came back with a dropkick, then Suicide entered the ring. He quickly lost control and Guns started double-teaming Red, who tagged in. Guns posed center ring before turning their attention back to Red. Tenay gave us a Mobile scoop that TNA finalized a three-way deal with a former champ. Jay Lethal. Red made his comeback with some wild, athletic moves. West gave some canned, empty complements to Red as the action broke down in the ring. Guns double-teamed Suicide, then Shelley nailed Suicide with the Sliced Bread for a two count only. Sabin then ran off Shelley's back to dropkick Red on the apron. Guns measured Suicide for a combo, but Red fought them off. Red then flew over the top rope with a splash onto Sabin on the floor. More canned lines from West. Suicide then grappled Shelley for the Suicide Solution and the win. Post-match: Lights went down and out and Suicide was gone. Red just kind of looked around the ring. "I'm so sick of Suicide's act," West said, offering another canned line.
WINNERS: Suicide & Red in 7:00. Very nice dose of athleticism. Good to see Red back on Impact doing his spots as a change-of-pace from the clunky Main Event Mafia matches. Remember, in TNA, it's anything but boring. (**)
Backstage: Lauren brought in Beautiful People for a word on Madison Rayne in a stretcher match tonight against Kong. Lauren said Madison doesn't stand a chance tonight on paper. Angelina, still a little loopy, said the New York Mets were supposed to win the NBA championship on paper. Yes, whatever you say.
Backstage: Lauren half-interviewed/talked to Abyss about Dr. Stevie Richards ordering him in a weapons match tonight to go against his own therapy. Abyss said Richards knows what's best for him: using weapons might make him feel better. Suddenly, Cody Deaner and ODB interrupted. Deaner suggested Abyss is scared to face him tonight. Deaner told Lauren that when her boyfriend grows a set, he'll be ready for him. Abyss had enough and chucked Deaner into the wall.
Video package: They showed a video on Kurt Angle because we can't get enough of him on this show. They went back to Angle's first appearance in TNA via the "biggest acquisition" ever reveal at the No Surrender PPV in September 2006.
Backstage: Foley approached Motor City Machineguns in the locker room. Foley said he needs their help. Angle's threatened a hostile takeover, so he needs back-up since his peripheral vision is a bit impaired by having "25 beauties in my eye." Shelley danced around the issue, then Sabin helped him out. They have issues. Shelley said it's one big issue with Suicide. They are tired of dealing with Suicide. Foley whispered that it's Al Snow. Guns were not amused. Shelley told him just to keep on researching it. They exchanged pleasantries and called it a promo.
Impact Zone: Final quarterfinal match in the Team 3D invitational tournament. LAX came out first to challenge the British Invasion team. No sign of LAX, though. Hernandez was laid out on the floor backstage. Homicide was pretty upset. Brutus Magnus stole Hernandez's briefcase. Doug Williams, Magnus, and some jacked-up looking dude, Rob Terry, came out to no music. Backstage again, Terry Taylor told Homicide that he has to do this match. Taylor screamed for some help. Homicide then came to ringside and chucked his X Division Title shot briefcase at Terry, who flexed his over-sized muscles again. Homicide then smashed BI with a suicide dive on the floor. Homicide rolled Doug Williams into the ring to start things off.
2 -- LAX (HOMICIDE) vs. BRITISH INVASION (DOUG WILLIAMS & BRUTUS MAGNUS w/Rob Terry)
West said British Invasion is feeling pretty confident after what they said earlier. Um...sorry, missed that promo. Tenay covered that they talked to them earlier today about their confidence being high. Announcers talked up the big Suicide reveal, as West repeated his point that he hates Suicide's mischievousness. Meanwhile, Homicide continued to take a beating. Oh, and Tenay gave us an ask.com plug for Who Did Sting beat for his first World Title? Magnus missed with a top rope splash, but Homicide moved and regrouped. Homicide cleaned house on the Union Jack-trunk-wearing duo, then BI ran interference. Terry hooked Homicide's leg, then BI nailed a combo European uppercut for the pin and the win.
WINNERS: British Invasion in 5:00. Well, Brutus is much better in a unit than wearing a stupid gladiator outfit. Perhaps BI and Bashir's anti-American guys will merge, then hire Skandar Akbar as their CEO. Homicide didn't benefit too much from the match, but at least he showed some fire. (*)
Video package: More of Kurt Angle. 2007 was a golden year for Angle. "Hi, I'm Kurt Angle..." His theme is "Power. Control. Angle." What ever happened to good 'ol intensity, intelligence, and integrity?
Impact Zone: Beautiful People came out for Madison Rayne's stretcher match ordeal. Madison looked quite frightened and sick to her stomach. Kong then came out with Saeed. She had a picture frame in her hands. They did the Andre shot of Kong walking to the ring to reinforce her...um...awesomeness. Before the match started, ref Rudy Charles tossed all ringside participants from ringside. Velvet and Angelina were not pleased with this development.
3 -- MADISON RAYNE (w/Angelina Love and Velvet Sky) vs. AWESOME KONG (w/Raisha Saeed) -- Stretcher match
Bell sounded and Kong beat the crap out of Madison. She delivered multiple Awesome Bombs before placing Rayne on a gurney. Security then hauled her off.
WINNER: Kong in 2:00. Just a chance to establish Kong's awesomeness to set up her re-match with Angelina for the Knockouts Title. (n/a)
During the break: Beautiful People checked on Rayne and wept over her poor condition.
Video package: We need more Mafia! Another video package reinforced the Mafia's Mafianess.
Impact Zone: Machineguns's music hit and TNA piped in some boos or the sound of waves crashing in the ocean. Couldn't tell. West said Guns know something isn't right about Suicide and the Guns are going to find out. Shelley told the people to shut up for a second. He said they need to call out Christopher Daniels, Suicide, whatever, right now. "Bingo!" West interjected lamely. "Christopher Daniels?" Tenay said smugly. Daniels's music hit, then Daniels walked out on stage looking very confused. West said it's great acting. Daniels stormed the ring and Shelley asked why no zip line. Shelley Fact #1: 18 months ago, you lost your job. Fact #2: Since then, you've been in indy wrestling purgatory getting paid in pizza and Japanese pro wrestling t-shirts. Fact #3: Pizza and Japanese pro wrestling t-shirts don't pay the bills.
Sabin interjected they also know they are as smart as they look. He said they need to ask Daniels a few questions. Why is that you and "Suicide" have the exact same build? Why is it that you and "Suicide" move the exact same way in the ring? Why is it that every time "Suicide" comes to the ring, the fans chant his name? Sabin called Daniels a low-down, dirty, stinky, filthy, liar. He said Daniels found a loophole to come back and steal his partner's X Division Title. Sabin said he doesn't care whether Jarrett had anything to do with it, but what's important is that Daniels make amends right now.
Daniels said his first words: Let's make one thing clear. He doesn't owe either one of them an explanation. Good tension here. He said the important thing is that Jarrett brought him back to TNA. He told Sabin to back up or he would break his face. Daniels said Jarrett brought him back to TNA and he's going to do what he does best: wrestle. Shelley had a sarcastic look on his face. Daniels said he doesn't have time for all the repelling and such. He told them to ask Suicide themselves. Shelley said they just want to clarify for these idiots just who Suicide is.
Daniels breathed, took the mic, and said, "I'm Daniels. More important than that, I'm pissed off." Brawl broke out after Daniels pie-faced Guns. West said Daniels got defensive because the gig is up. Daniels took out both Guns as Tenay defended Daniels for fighting against the accusations. Nice segment. Good tease for the beginning of a nice little program for the X Title. Perhaps.
Backstage: Foley found Samoa Joe in the hallway. Joe had a black towel over his head while he stroked his paper knife. Foley said he's got 25 big ones over his eye. He said he used to put over Joe and wave the Samoa Joe banner around on the independents. Foley said he wants to make sure Joe will have his back tonight. Joe moved his towel, looked at Foley like he's an idiot, then walked off. Foley then pulled out his cell phone to place a call.
Impact Zone: ODB and Cody Deaner came to the ring for a trashcan weapons match. What was that deal last week? Cactus Jack Smack Attack. If it sucked once before, might as well use it again. Just remember TNA's motto: "Anything But Boring."
4 -- CODY DEANER (w/ODB) vs. ABYSS -- Weapons match
Cody tried to use some weapons on Abyss, who just no-sold. Abyss was bleeding from the forehead just for the heck of it. Abyss then blocked a stick shot and slapped Cody across the chest. ODB then gave Cody some of her liquid courage. He fired up with trashcan shots to the head, then he smashed Abyss with weapon shots. It finally took a chair shot on Abyss to knock him off his feet. Goodie, another chair shot. Cody then slowly turned his trucker hat around and slowly pulled out a wrench from his fannypack. Cody fired up a wrench shot, but Abyss smashed him with the Black Hole Slam to put an end to this non-sense.
WINNER: Abyss in 4:00. Awful. Some might find it entertaining, but it was a waste of a gimmick match. Cody at least knows how to play to the crowd, which was mildly amusing. (n/a)
Mafia propaganda video. ... Backstage: Lauren brought in Daffney, who was looking very scary. Daffney said Lauren doesn't need to worry about Dr. Stevie. She said he's the best ever. All of her aggression on the inside needs to be let loose on the outside. Daffney said Richards has something in mind for her to express that. She said they have something in common. Lauren suggested Abyss is definitely not interested in her. Daffney frowned, then did a maniacal laugh and walked away.
Mafia locker room: Nash and Booker were prepping for their tag match against Styles and Joe. Sharmell and Jenna were about to get at it. Sharmell then started the jump-off by trash-talking Jenna. Booker was trying to act tough before pulling Sharmell away from the discussion. Kurt Angle tried to step in to separate them, then he suggested Nash politely go get Jenna a drink.
Announcers: We need more Mafia! Tenay and West talked them up before Tenay sternly told West to plug upcoming house shows.
Impact Zone: Matt Morgan's music interrupted West's house show plugs. Morgan stepped out in dress clothes. "Oh ho ho ho, Morgan's about to drop a bombshell." Morgan spoke to the ringside camera offering his services to Mafia. Morgan said the future is now. Don't get it twisted, folks, the offer is only available for a limited time. I halfway thought they would cut to a shot of Angle laughing backstage. No dice.
Backstage: Lauren brought in A.J. Styles and did all the talking before asking Styles about Joe's issues. Styles said Joe came back a different person and he doesn't know who he is or who he's been talking to. Styles said there will be problems if Joe doesn't show up with his A-game tonight. He doesn't want the Nation of Violence, he needs the Samoan Submission Machine - his friend.
Training video: Rhino was shown training the military guy Jesse. Rhino did the whole Tough Enough routine of cussing him out, giving him tough love, beating his brains out, etc. Rhino said it's his job to make him get the job done and become a better wrestler.
Impact Zone: After throwing that segment against the wall, TNA brought out the Main Event Mafia for the main event tonight. Nash with Jenna, Booker with Sharmell in separate units on the way to the ring. A.J. Styles then came out first for his tag team. No sign of Samoa Joe when his music hit. Ref Hebner didn't care, so he called for the bell.
5 -- KEVIN NASH (w/Jenna Morasca) & BOOKER T (w/Sharmell) vs. Legends champion A.J. STYLES & SAMOA JOE
Booker and Nash worked over Styles by himself while West talked about Sting being given some time off to recover, rest, and come back to the Mafia re-focused without the TNA Title in his possession. Nash awkwardly tossed Styles into the corner with his one good arm, then he wore down Styles with knee thrusts. Cue up an Ask.com question on which sitcom star Jeff Jarrett once hit with a guitar. Styles then made a comeback by knocking Booker to the outside, then nailing Nash to the outside. Suddenly, they went to a split-screen of Bobby Lashley walking down the hallway. He's in the house. Styles went over the top with a dive onto Nash and Booker, then Samoa Joe finally showed up. He walked down to ringside and Styles was not pleased with his tardiness.
Joe was in control out of the break. He frightened Hebner, almost causing a DQ, then he went to the floor and bashed Nash into the ring steps. Jenna then ran interference as Booker retrieved the Legends Title and blasted Styles. Booker then made the cover, Hebner came to, and he made a three count for the win. Booker celebrated with Sharmell while Joe checked on Styles. Styles came to, then screamed at Joe. "Why are you doing this?!" Styles shouted. Joe just acted smugly.
WINNERS: Booker & Nash in 7:00. Just another way to make Styles look like a chump and continue this non-sense with Samoa Joe. Not a good match and TNA simply refuses to deliver a decent wrestling match featuring their top stars. It's pretty ridiculous at this point. (1/2*)
Backstage: Foley was talking to Dirk the Cameraman, apparently, about this person deserving a big contract. He told this person that he's headlined WrestleMania (TNA's inferiority complex in play), but he just needs his help today. Foley said they'll just do a handshake bargain for tonight, then they'll talk dollars and cents. He told this person to hide in the closet while they wait for Angle's ambush.
Video package: More Mafia propaganda video focused on Kurt Angle. Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely. More gaga about the Mafia. Power. Control. Angle.
Backstage: Borash tried to hold back Angle from jumping Foley in his office, but Foley tried to calm him down before he busts him in the nose. Foley said he's trying to finalize a little big-name contract before they talk. Foley gave the code word for the dude in the closet to show up, but Angle jumped him and tried to strangle him. Angle vowed to shove the TNA Title up his rear, then Foley asked why so much hostility. Angle said he's so mad about the chair shot last week. Foley told him to calm down and just him across the back with a chair and call it even. Then, Angle can get his shot at the title. They didn't have an ample chair, so Foley told Angle to use the guitar. Foley reminded him about the 25 big ones in the eye.
Foley then tried to stall by placing a call for a chair. He told the person on the other line that he needs a chair in his office in about 30 seconds...Foley blasted Angle with his phone. Foley then crawled over to the tiny little "closet" and pulled out his Socko. He stuffed it down Angle's throat as the lights went off in the office. Dang Borash flipped the switch again. Suddenly, a man in a mask showed up when the lights were back on. Foley made an "oomph" sound as he dropped to the floor. Dude in the La Parka outfit unzipped his mask to reveal Steve Borden. Sting looked down at the scene as they closed the show.
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