Derek Burgan, Torch Sex Symbol

WWE Smackdown review
April 3, 2003
Taped 04/01/03 in Spokane, WA
Aired on UPN
Report by Derek Burgan, Torch Team Contributor

In a nutshell: A Smackdown Tournament! And Mattitude joins the announcer’s table…

Trivia Time! Courtesy of the SmackDown Express, the unofficial home of the John Cena Appreciation Society, I give a hearty hi, hello and welcome to another exciting edition of Raw Is Trivial! This week's question focuses its little peepers on Peoria, Illinois. Why? Because it was the site of one of the best Raw episodes I have ever seen.

Let's get Sherman and Mr. Peadody, hop into the WayBack Machine and head to 1997, shall we? March 31st, to be exact. (Actually, it was taped the 25th, back when the WWFE taped every other week.) Owen Hart & Davey Boy Smith battled in a European title match that resulted in the formation of the New Hart Foundation. The first Steve Austin sighting/interview since he passed out at WrestleMania 13. Two worthless squash matches (remember those, kids?) and a main event featuring a youngster by the name of Rocky Maivia wrestling what could be called nowadays a "dream match". Who did this up-and-coming superstar face?

a) "Triple H" Hunter Hearst Helmsley
b) Mankind/Mick Foley
c) "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels
d) "Stone Cold" Steve Austin
e) Bret The Hitman Hart

Answer in v2.0 Hour Two!

BUT FIRST! Well, I’ve tried everything and it looks like I can’t get out of this Hawaii trip at the end of the month so catch Smackdown when it comes to my very own Manchester, NH. I’ve used every trick in the book to no avail. Apparently my fiancée is dead set about going. Whatever. The good news is this, I’ve scoured the IWC for someone to handle the chore of recapping Smackdown that week (May 1st, mark it on your calendars) and I landed a doozy. Due to the confidentiality agreement that I signed, I’m forbidden to tell you who it is, but it’s one of the very few people in the IWC that I would trust with Express v2.0

And speaking of that Smackdown show that will be taking place the same week I’m stuck in Maui looking for that cursed Tiki idol that almost drowned Greg Brady back in the day, you’re not going to believe what happened last night. Get This. I went to the Manchester Monarchs (which of course they kicked ass in) last night and there were idiot wrestling fans already camped out at the front of the Verizon to buy tickets for Smackdown. Now these tickets don’t go on sale until Saturday morning, and for those of you v2.0 readers who don’t have a calendar in front of you, that’s 3 days away! Un-Real! Apparently these clowns weren’t at the Smackdown we had here in November that didn’t even come CLOSE to selling out and probably would have looked really bad if 5,000 dedicated Manchester Morons© didn’t do Vince a favor and dress up as a black tarp on the upper levels.

Of course my hockey friends took the opportunity to give me a load of shit because, of course, all of wrestling fans will always be judged on the actions of a few idiots. I had no witty comeback as even I was wondering if these people even had jobs. The worst part of all of this? THESE are the people who will write in to Wade or “The Melt” or any one of the 1,000 different wrestling message boards and say how much the show sucked.They’ll hide behind their little screenames, because they have no balls to put their name to an actual opinion, and write their “look how smart I am” write-ups of the show. And we know they must be smart because they use the wrestler’s real names and drop words like “heel”, “job” and “mark.” Note to all you dinks who hate wrestling so much and feel the need to tell all the rest of us: You’re a wrestling fan. Get over it.

On to the show!

***The incredible montage of WrestleMania clips to that new LimpBizkit song that closed out the PPV and started Raw aired. The WWE still sets the standard for production videos. Like that GameBoy Advanced SP though, it just makes me feel old. ”See kid, in my day we only got to see still clips from PPV’s the night before. Oh, you could hear the audio, but you wouldn’t see actual moving images of the matches until months later, after the videotape was released by Coliseum Video. You whipper-snappers don’t know how good you got it!”

***The opening montage that has Mark Henry and the Rock but not Jamie Noble aired.

***It’s gonna be one of those shows…Stephanie comes out and says that Kurt Angle “could be gone up to two months.” You know what, I think the entire Internet was just worked by the WWE into the severity of Kurt Angle’s injury and not a peep is said about it. Anyhoo, Big Steph goes on and on and on while setting up a three week tournament with the winner being the #1 Contender to Brock’s belt. It’s an eight man tournament and we start off with the first match.

(1) The Undertaker beat Rey Mysterio. The finish came as Rey Mysterio leaped onto Taker to deliver the West Coast Pop, but was caught and given the Last Ride in return.

Heat Index: I was actually surprised that Big Evil took the 619 and the Last Ride looked Wild, if only because we’ve only seen Taker do the Tombstone because I think he can’t lift up anyone over 150 lbs anymore. Rey’s outfit was just “blah” this week after one of his most kick ass ones ever at WrestleMania that was a riff on “Daredevil.” That made my whole weekend (I’m easy to please)

JOB Failure: Stu-pid adjective 1 a : slow of mind : OBTUSE b : given to unintelligent decisions or acts : acting in an unintelligent or careless manner c : lacking intelligence or reason d: Having Rey Mysterio job to the Undertaker, in the process making the best cruiserweight in the entire world look like a kid against a guy who’s act is played.

Kayfabe Factor: It is so surreal to see the future of the WWE get tossed around like a rag doll. Can you imagine a new viewer turning into to Smackdown and seeing this? “Hey, who’s this guy? Oh jesus, he’s getting killed by the Undertaker. Is that the same Taker that was plodding through matches when I last watched the WWF 3 years ago? Man, this kid must suck. Oh shit, Survivor is on!” Note to v2.0er’s: The quickest way to own a thousand dollars worth of WWE stock? Buy two thousand dollar’s worth and wait a week.

You know, I don’t know who’s a bigger moron, Johnny Ace or Tobacco Companies.

***Vincent KENNEDY McMahon is HERE! And he tells SOME GUY to let him know when Hulk Hogan arrives because apparently the Higher Power’s office doesn’t have a TV playing Smackdown like every other room does.

(2) Brian Kendrick beat Jamie Noble (w/Nidia). Finish came as Noble slid into Nidia by mistake. As he stood in the ring in shock, Kendrick too advantage by grabbing Noble and hitting the Sliced Bread #2 off the ropes! Great stuff. After the match Matt Hardy came into the ring and threw Kendrick out and challenged Brock Lesnar next week.

Heat Index: Let me get this straight. Jamie Noble against Brian Kendrick in the ring and Matt Hardy v1.0 & Shannon AllThatAnd Moore come down to commentate? Am I dreaming?! Really good match between the two, but incredibly quick. What would you expect when A-Train is sure to get his absurdly long match so we can state at his fat gut? It was pretty weird to hear Cole call the Sliced Bread #2, which he has NEVER done, and then not explain it at all. Apparently I’m the only person on Earth who was too dumb to automatically know what that meant.

JOB Failure: Matt Facts: Matt was the only Hardy to wrestle at WrestleMania & Matt has read His Book 12 times.

Kayfabe Factor: In a roster full of talented people who the WWE have dropped the ball so much you think they were on the St. Louis Ram’s Special Teams, I really feel for Nidia. She would fit in like a glove on the expertly booked women’s division on Raw and instead she is just wasting her time here on Smackdown. I would love to read what she really thought about appearing on that God awful Girls Gone Wild PPV in a Torch Talk with Wade some day.

The Torch Retort: Here’s what I’ve been reading lately…

#5) The Head Honcho wrote a very interesting article this week with the gist of it being Vince McMahon needs a break. In theory, I agree. However, like my fantasy booking of George W. Bush, since it will never happen, what’s the point? Would Wade Keller leave the Torch for six months? Would Dave Meltzer leave the Observer? Of course not. Why? Because, like Vince, they busted their ass over the past 15 years plus putting together newsletters they are damn proud of. You’ll find that people who create something and Sheppard it to success stay with it through thick and thin.

And it’s a lose-lose proposition anyway. If the product fails miserably while you are gone, you lose. If it becomes hotter than ever, it shows that the thing you created, the thing that you worked you ass off 24/7 when everyone around you was watching TV or going on vacations, is better in someone else’s hands. Can you imagine Vince McMahon allowing that to happen? This guy has his own men calling him a “genius” on the air all the time. I’m not saying Wade doesn’t make a good case. I would argue that Vince needs desperately to put his daughter in another position, but that too will never happen. And I can understand that. It drives me absolutely insane, but I can understand it. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Wade will say that he would have no problem leaving the Torch in the hands of Powell et all (who are very capable) for six months, but I just can’t see it happening. The Torch IS a part of Wade Keller just as v2.0 is a part of me and the WWE is a part of Vince McMahon.

#4) You gotta love the Torch readers who said in their WrestleMania Feedback that the event sucked. What do you people want? And why can’t I get that Simpson’s episode out of my head where the people from Itchy and Scratchy held a focus group ending with Roger Meyer screaming, “You kids don't know what you want! That's why you're still kids;'cause you're stupid!” Tell you what True Believers, if you think the WWE is going to put out better PPV’s than WrestleMania X9 on a regular basis, you’re living in the same FantasyLand that Torch MMA Guy Nick Moore spends his days and nights.

#3) Did you check out this Counterpoint by Eric Weir? At first I was dubious, because Eric goes to the University of Illinois. This is a school that gave an honorary doctorate to Carrot Top and had the Pets.com sock puppet as a commencement speaker. But Eric rises above his level of education and gives a pretty good list of why the WWE didn’t need Goldberg and I happen to agree strongly with the one that talks about Goldberg’s passion. Nothing pisses me off more than the dismissive attitude Goldberg has towards wrestling in Mainstream Media interviews. It’s almost as if he is embarrassed by it. This is the sport that made him because, lest we forget, he bombed out of football.

#2) I hope you’ve been keeping an eye onEuro Heat TV Reviewer Celian Varini. This kid is NUTS and is the only one in the world who wants to cover a show like this. I actually wrote a fan letter to Celian once and he responded with a five paragraph email written completely in French. Why? Because he is completely insane. He recently wrote me trying to get me to tape every episode of the Anna Nicole Smith show for him because he thinks she is “hot.” At least that explains his fascination with Stephanie McMahon.

#1) What’s the best daily read on the Internet? Why, Torch Today, of course. This one in particular had a good newsbit concerning Bradshaw who, in true Rush Limbaugh fashion, basically says anyone protesting the war is against our soldiers. I’m sorry, but this isn’t a either/or situation. I personally hope not a single one of our guys gets hurt in Iraq and wins this thing tomorrow, but that does not change for one second that I do not think we should be there. Uncle T may be waving his American Flag all day long, but I’m personally disgusted by the events that led to us going to War in the first place. Edward Norton was quoted as saying, “It must be good to be in Germany and France, because I have completely forgotten what it is like to be proud of your government.” While I don’t know if I would go that far (because being in France would mean I’d probably be over Celian Varini’s house watching The Best of Brother Love tapes), I can say that since I’ve become a follower of the news I’ve had Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush as my President, and while they might not be the worst two ever, they are in the top five. God what I wouldn’t give to be born back in the days of Woodrow Wilson and FDR, people you could actually admire and respect. Oh yeah, there was also this v2.0 worthy Kevin Nash “Desire Video”, all praise Jason Powell!

And speaking of cool little films via the Internet, Check This Out!, unless you are one of those that gets easily offended or something, in that case may I steer you towards Internet Idol?”. Let me tell you something, when I think of Metallica, I don’t think of their songs that everyone knows like One or Enter Sandman, I think of ”Whiplash!” Can you imagine?!

Torch Rap Battles! Well, I just don’t get you guys sometimes. The votes are in and Chris Steel won last week’s three person Rap Battle. I can’t fathom how anyone could not pick James Birrell’s, which was a fantastic battle using the current war climate as a springboard. In fact I’m gonna send James a DVD as well if he sends me his address. I got a couple of really good ones this week, but unfortunately one rips on the Head Honcho (which was the only no-no) and the other was almost a year recap of Raw in rap form. Incredible, but also seemed to be about as long as v2.0 itself. If anyone wants to read either, send a request my way and I’ll whip it out ASAP.

(3) Chris Benoit beat Fat Albert. The finish came as Benoit finally made A-Train tap out to the Crossface after King Kong powered out of about 10 previous attempts.

Heat Index: Benoit is just insane. Granted he’s the only human on Earth who can actually make me sit through a Fat Albert match and not want to puke, but knowing this guy was out for a friggin’ year after neck surgery and I have to think those Three Germans and diving headbutt “Wolverine’s can fly Cole!” must be having some sort of negative effect. What’s next? Adding the Spear into his arsenal?

JOB Failure: For the last couple weeks I’ve gone off on those stupid Stacker 2 commercials with the Big Show and here’s why. The WWE has a higher percentage of men working for them with bodies that the average male would kill for than any profession on Earth. Chris Benoit has a body that looks like it was chiseled out of granite. Same goes for John Cena. Kurt Angle, Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio are just three others who have just a good of physique as any bodybuilder you will see hawking products in all the magazines. THESE are the people Stacker 2 should be using. You are not selling a product, you are selling the impression that taking these pills will make you look like this guy. I’m still a year away from getting my Bachelor’s in Marketing, but even Corky from Life Goes On can figure that one out.

Kayfabe Factor: (Editor’s Note: Once again Derek has failed to mention several key things from this epic battle so I’m going to provide my exclusive VIP commentary of the match here to balance the scalses.)

STAR RATING: ****1/4 -- Good seven minute match, in fact dare I say “great?” I’d have to put this right up there with Austin passing out from Bret Hart’s Sharpshooter at WM13 and Ric Flair versus Ricky the Dragon Steamboat back in ’89. It makes my blood boil that a wrestler the caliber of A-Train, who is a good hand in the ring, has to continually job to vanilla midgets like Benoit. Have you ever thought about rubbing your hands through A-Train’s back hair? I know I have. The early escape of the Crossface by Train was a nice set-up for the tease of the escape of the Crossface at the end. Well laid out and a spirited execution by both wrestlers. Shakespeare couldn’t have written it better as my heart was literally pounding at every two count.

***Backstage Steph runs into Vince McMahon and tears him a new asshole! “Who the F--- do you think you are taking Rock off my show!” Steph felt “betrayed” by her father handing The People’s Champ to that “scumbag” Eric Bischoff. She pointed her finger in her Dad’s chest and said she knows all about “Ruthless Aggression” and so will he…”soon.”

***Actually, none of that happened. Steph asked her dad if he was okay and told him not to do anything he would regret. Vince said, “looking at the financial reports and television ratings over the past year the only thing I regret is my choice for head of Creative.”

***A Sean O’Haire vignette aired, which are just about the coolest things on WWE TV right now. Why is this guy not wrestling on TV?! Wasn’t he doing the Swanton Bomb back as part of the Natural Born Thrillaz?

(4) John Cena beat Eddie Guerrero. Finish came as Cena nailed Eddie with the Death Valley Driver.

Heat Index: I can’t get enough of the rolling suplexes that Eddie does. That little twist with his lower body was an ingenious addition that really sells the move. And outside of the great looking DVD by Cena, my main man didn’t really look too good in this match.

Job Failure: I hate to say it, but this match just didn’t do it for me. I know that it’s physically impossible and makes no sense, but Eddie, who I would have rated a 9 (out of 10) before he got his mullet cut, is now a 7 in my eyes. That hair cut set him apart so much and now he’s just a really good wrestler in one of the deepest rosters in the history of wrestling.

Kayfabe Factor: Now c’mon, there’s no such thing as a rapper without an entourage. It just doesn’t exist, much like the chances Jason Powell’s Minnesota Wild beating the Detroit Red Wings in the playoffs. Why not bring in that Slim Shady (or whatever his name was) from TNA last year? And then just hire a bunch of tough looking black guys in each town, kinda like when they would get the strippers for the Ho-Train back in the day. That would complete the gimmick.

So I got a lot of email after last week’s recap, which was certainly appreciated because the first hour of v2.0 last week was the first thing I think I have ever written that I actually liked. In fact I wish every one of my recaps could be just like that. But anyway, in between all the emails was one guy who just wrote, “After that crap I’m canceling my Torch Newsletter.” That’s it. He didn’t mention what it was that he didn’t like or anything. I’ll be honest with you, at first it felt like the greatest email I have ever received. Not because the guy cancelled his subscription, because that’s pretty moronic considering I don’t write for the Torch Newsletter (Editor’s Note: You can say that again!), it was just great seeing what a reaction I could get out of somebody just from wrestling column. That is my goal. Hopefully you’re on the same page as me. If not, then you don’t “Get It” and one of my guilty pleasures in life is pushing the buttons of those types of people. I can’t be boring and just write the same ‘ol shit week in and week out. If that’s what you are into, fine, there’s plenty of guys doing that all over the Internet.

It reminded me of my favorite part of the movie Howard Stern's Private Parts. I’m not sure if this was factual, but there was a scene in which a programming director was amazed to find out how long Stern fans listened to Howard. He was pissed at how much they listened but really wanted to know how long Stern Haters listened to the show. The response? Even longer. Why? Because like him or hate him there is no one else as good as Howard at what he does. But after I smirked for 5 minutes, I became paranoid. Because you know what? It’s that moron’s letter that is going to get the attention of the Head Honcho. A couple more idiots like that and you might see v2.0 disappear off the site. So, if you actually read this crap every week you might want to send a quick email to Torch Feedback and tell them you don’t think I’m the Anti-Christ or something. If you were to also put in a Torch Sub for a sample 4 issues, I might also be inclined to bring back an occasional issue of HYPE…

END OF HOUR ONE Now go check out Hour Two! It's calling you...

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every week for all the PWTorch readers who would rather watch coherent things like CSI: Miami. Bastards! He can be reached at Dburgan@pwtorch.com and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.

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