By James Guttman, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Raw Alt Perspective Rundown
May 5, 2003
Halifax, Nova Scotia at the Halifax Metro Center
Live on TNN
By James Guttman, Torch Team Contributor

Before we start reviewing entertainment, I want to take a moment to acknowledge some reality. Thursday May 1st, 2003 the wrestling industry and the world lost someone who touched so many lives – Elizabeth Hulette. I'll never forget the WWF storyline that saw each and every manager vying for the services of Randy Savage. He left all of them with egg on their faces when he introduced Miss Elizabeth. We all knew we were witnessing something historic. However, no one really grasped the importance of that moment.

Miss Elizabeth's contributions to this business are unparalleled. Before the age of divas and attitude, Elizabeth Hulette was the only name you needed to know when referring to a strong female character within the industry. Finding herself in top angles with the men's division, Elizabeth opened the door for so many female performers after her. With the changes that this industry has seen since her debut, I can say without doubt that sports entertainment will never again have an on-air character with the mystique, grace and poise of Miss Hulette. She was a beauty both inside and out in a world of beasts. As she looks down from Heaven, I hope she knows the appreciation that so many competitors and fans have for her. Thank you, Liz, for everything you've given us. My thoughts and prayers are with Elizabeth's loved ones at this time. May God bless you.

Elizabeth Hulette November 19, 1960 - May 1, 2003

***

Well, it's May and that can only mean one thing…sweeps. Every show has a hook. That hook involves questions leaving viewers wondering the outcome. Will Rachel express her love for Joey? Will Rob connive his tribesmates to a million-dollar win? With Scott Goober leaving the school, will Ronnie Cook be able to fill his shoes? Will Alf ever eat the cat? These are the wonders that keep us tuned in. This week's Raw is no exception. We have the epic encounter between Triple H and Big Daddy Cool. There's the titanic struggle between Bill Goldberg and Christian. But most importantly, the wacky fun of Monday Night Raw just got a whole lot wackier! It's sweeps and have we got a crazy pair totally mismatched with only zany results sure to occur…

One of them is a beer swigging, trash talking rattlesnake. The other is an angry resentful little man that lost the Monday Night Wars. What happens when two complete opposites team up to run a wrestling promotion? The broken dreams of Atlanta coexists with the Bionic Redneck from Texas. This Monday, you don't want to miss the hilarity ensue on this week's edition of… Raw!

Graphic for Elizabeth Hulette.

Opening WWE Graphic follows Eric Bischoff's grin with Steve Austin giving the finger. (JG Note: Photographer: Come on, Steve. Show me angry. Show me angry. Come on, pretend I asked you to job to Brock Lesnar. Angry. There it is.)

Recap of Eric Bischoff doing his Mr. Spacely impression and telling many employees "You're fired!" But with her invisible jet and magic lasso, Linda McMahon shows up to save the day and name Stone Cold Steve Austin the new Co-GM of Raw.

Raw Theme Plays – Babumbumbum… It's time to play the Game now. It's time to wet your head. It's time to steal Flair's gimmick on the Hunter Show tonight. It's time to get things started on the Monday party, without Jeff Hardy… This is what we call the Hunter Show!

Uh, Mr. Austin…you're on. Oh! I'm sorry Mr. Goldberg. I thought you were Mr. Austin because you sort of look like…uh…sorry, sir.

We kick things off from Nova Scotia with the Texas Rattlesnake himself, Stunning Steve Austin. Steve's carrying an Irwin R. Shyster style briefcase and he's got something to say. You see, when Linda McMahon called him on the telephone and asked him to be the Co-General Manager of Raw, Steve asked her "what?" repeatedly before accepting the job. In fact, his answer was "Oh Hell Yeah!" The Hollywood Blonde ain't never done nothing low profile in his life and he ain't fixing to start now. Tonight, Steve is going to celebrate that he's out of the country by drinking like a fiend. Tonight will be Steve Austin's Beer Bash! But this is a time for business. While the Ringmaster sat at home and watched Raw, some things didn't sit right with him. One of those things was the retirement of the Intercontinental Title. Well, Steve-o has a solution for that. Come Judgement Day (JG Note: The pay-per-view, not the day God comes down to Earth and kills all the sinners), there is gonna be a Battle Royal. Any former I-C Champ on the Raw Roster is free to enter and go for the gold. Good move. I swear, with another male singles title on Raw things will be so much smoother. It'll give the lesser guys a goal to shoot for rather than the "ever-elusive" World Title. But wait…there's more! As for tonight…

I'm ba-ack from "tipping" a stripper…

Out steps the Steve's business partner, Eric Bischoff and his Chief of Staff Sean Morley. But despite the crowd's a-hole chants, Easy E tries to remain composed. You see, Bisch is here for a reason. He needs to remind Steve that this is a partnership. They have to make these decisions mutually. He can't just reinstate the Intercontinental Championship without consulting Eric! Steve backtracks and says that he's just trying to better the show. (JG Note: This is starting to come off like a young married couple fighting. I keep waiting for Eric to burst into tears and tell Austin that he just doesn't feel loved anymore.) Tell you what, darling, Bischy will let bygones be bygones. Steve can have his Intercontinental Title. Come Judgment Day, Schoff has a plan of his own. He's signed the Main Event of that show to be Triple H against Kevin Nash! Uh…that's fine, Eric. Steve likes that idea. Oh, I think they're gonna make it after all. Steve tells his new partner that he likes him. He doesn't like him much, but he likes him. Now that they're in agreement, Stone Cold has another bombshell. He hired somebody. He didn't get the Bisch's approval but he hired somebody. I hope it's Kamala. No such luck. You know who it is. His good buddy…Good Ol….

J.R. Jim Ross! I say "bar" you say "becue!" Bar! BeCue!

Steve Austin's good friend Jim Ross enters the ring. (JG Note: Best buddy? Did I dream that Confidential episode last year? Maybe I did.) Well, Bischoff doesn't want Jim Ross here so once again…he's fired! What? He's hired! Fired! Hired! Fired! Hired! Duck Season! Rabbit Season! Whoa…Eric, listen closely to Steve Austin. He's trying real hard to restrain his Rattlesnake rage. Tonight JR is back and if he don't like it we can ourselves a match to determine the Okie's fate. How's about Eric versus Steve? No can do, Austin. The terms of this partnership is that they may never lay a hand on one another. Sorry Charlie. But as the two argue, Chief Morley steps in with an idea. How about he takes on Jim Ross in a match tonight? Austin vetoes that one. If Bish won't fight. Ross won't fight. Well, as the Ringmaster ponders the choices to defend Ross's honor, Jerry Lawler stands up in his chair, takes a live mic and volunteers his services. Tonight it will be Big Chief Val Morley against The King of Memphis Tennessee Jerry Lawler! If the King wins, Ross is back. If Morley wins, Ross is eaten by tigers … or fired. Either or. Stone Cold and the guy from CNN Center shake on the deal and agree on one last term! If this is gonna happen, it's gonna happen now! We need to get John Coachman out of the broadcast position ASAP! But first a…

Commercial Break. I always thought it was strange that Popeye's doesn't serve Spinach.

(1) Jerry Lawler pinned Chief Morley after a flying fistdrop Things get started in a hurry with Val wearing his suit bottoms for this one. It was a good way to start the show and hopefully it'll maintain this level. I have to admit I got quite worried when my girlfriend pointed out that Coach said if Lawler wins "it will be an honor to sit between two great men." No. Stop. I'm getting Kevin Kelly, Jim Ross, and Michael Cole Flashbacks. Also, Good Ol JC was left all alone at the announce table for this one. It's not an easy task to call a match all alone. Very few could really pull it off. Coach definitely got points for effort. Eric got involved at one point and pulled the leg out from the King. When Austin confronted him and the ref diverted his attention, Jim Ross pushed Venis from the top turnbuckle. Jerry climbed the ropes and hit the fist. Good ol' JR is back and he didn't even bring a fake Diesel or Razor this time around.

As Team Stone King Ross celebrate in the ring, Bischoff beckons his manservant, Morley. When Chief approaches, Eric lets him have it. How could he do this!? How could he embarrass him!? Why is he using wire hangers!? Like Andre the Giant and Bobby Heenan at WrestleMania 7, Schoff decides that the best way to get a co-worker to respect you is to slap them. He slaps the taste out of the Big Chiefbowski before storming off.

The party continues in the ring as Steve Austin calls to the Coach to leave us announcer-less and head to the ring. When Johnny C gets there, the Bionic GM lines all three announcers up and begins to stutter through an apparent firing. You see, we have three announcers and only two….ah, heck. You know what, we can have three announcers! But before anyone can celebrate, Stunning Steve changes his mind and says we only need two. He stuns the Coach for his trouble. I feel bad for the Coach sometimes.

Commercial Break. Grumpiness is another side effect of hunger. I guess you can blame pretty much anything on hunger now. Honey, I swear I didn't mean to kiss the babysitter. I just needed a Snickers, damnit.

The lover's squabble between Chief Valhoo and the Bisch rages on. Come on, Eric. Hear Morley out. Well, Chieftain. You've embarrassed Uncle Eric for the last time. Get out of his face! Get out of his life! Go on! Walk out the door! Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore! (JG Note: No, Val, read my lips. I – want – a – divorce!) As Bischoff's now ex-boyfriend hangs his head in shame and takes his leave, he stumbles across the Yin to Eric's Yang, Steve Austin. When Stone Cold hears his tale he's shocked. He brings Val to Eric and confronts him on this termination. You know what, Eric? You should have asked your partner! You know why? Cause Steve agrees. Hit the bricks, Porno-boy.

For the seventeenth time, Jim Ross is in Jerry Lawler's debt. We then recap the feud between Bill Goldberg and the entire midcard. Rico – splat. Rosey – squash. Jamal – splatter. Tonight it will be the Rock's favorite Christian – Christian taking on Billy G in Berg's Raw debut!

Scott Steiner is working out backstage because he wants to see if he can actually make himself explode. But his view is cut off by the big Testicle himself, Test stealing his mirror time. Big Poppa Pump steps in front of him. Before they can get into a spontaneous posedown, Stacy Keibler steps in. Have they forgotten? Tonight it's Freazilla and Andrew Martin going for the tag team titles! Wrestling logic dictates that if two men begin to have underlying problems with one another, they must be forced to team up until one eventually attacks the other. But we have to watch a…

Commercial Break. There's this Stridex Day and Night Pump. You think if you put the night lotion on during the day, you'd be invisible? Me neither.

No way! You like smoke and fire? I like smoke and fire! You wanna be a team? They can play the beginning of my music and then cut into your music. You know, like you did with X-Pac and Hurricane…

(2) World Tag Team Champions Rob Van Dam & Kane defeated Test & Scott Steiner when Kane pinned Test I wish I had a metal turban. They've done a pretty good job at rebuilding Scott Steiner to a certain extent. Let's be honest, a few months ago and he was done for. Ring rust and a sudden spot in the main event was the start of a sharp decline in any potential of a return investment. But as the old saying goes "Testicles and Long Legs can get any Genetic Monster over." OK, that's not a real old saying, but it's worked. I doubt they'll ever see the type of money from Steiner that they expected, but it's better than what they had before. Van Dam took a nasty bump early and seemed groggy for a good amount of the time. The finale saw Test on the brink of a win over Kane on a number of occasions. Things go awry as whoopsy…Test accidentally kicks Big Poppa Pump. Confused and stumbling, Andrew turns and his nailed with a Kane Chokeslam. Rob feels Froggy and nails the Splash. As Gorilla Monsoon would say, "You can count to a hundred."

Still to come…The Women's Title is on the line as Jazz meets Trish. The winner can expect to go on to so many great challenges from women like Ivory, Molly Holly, Jackie, Victoria, and…uh…and…uh…that's about it.

Commercial Break. Burger King brags that they cook over an open fire. Can't anyone do that? At least I know McDonald's has big oven things that I don't have. I have matches and twigs.

We're standing outside the Halifax Arena. Eric Bischoff has apparently fired the cameraman.

This week on Trading Spaces, Eric Bischoff and Steve Austin join Page Davis to redecorate the leather couch room. It seems that the Rattlesnake is fond of a beer filled motif as he calls for the delivery of mass quantities of Molson Beer (JG Note: Canda-Molson) There's no room for that, Steve! There's no room for your portrait to hang either! Never fear, Easy E, Stone Cold'll make room. He'll tip over your leather couch and put a plant in front of your picture! Ah….Feng Shui.

Still to come…Jericho's Pit with the man from Oz, Kevin Nash.

Commercial Break. Milky Way – Pleasure You Can't Measure. Giving your company a slogan with suggestive undertones – another unfortunate side effect of hunger. Grab a Snickers.

Still to come, Bill Goldberg versus Christian. Odds are that this one will be shorter than the old EC five-second pose.

Break out the shiny checkered pajamas, dust off the Scorpion albums and prepare for the Chris Jericho Hi-Lite Reel!

Y2J+3 has a new set for his show and it's actually a great touch. Very early 90s (JG Note: It looked like the crazy apartment on My Two Dads. Oh Michael and Joey, how will you raise a daughter?) The crowd is solidly behind Fozzy as he runs down Roddy Piper and rebuts his comments last week on Smackdown. He thinks Chris has no talent? Well the King of the World has talent and Piper has himself a big ol beer belly. But pish posh to such rubbish. Chris promises to go to Judgement Day and deliver back to Canada the Intercontinental Title! Big pop. If I was Chris Jericho, I'd never leave Canada. We then show a video of Triple H planting a sledgehammer to Kevin Nash's head at Backlash. Following that, we see how Hunter is better than the Tag Champs are but Diesel's run-in saved the straps for Team Burn Out. After that, Kevin beats up a limo with a sledgehammer. Chris is unimpressed and decides to get the show rolling with the limo-hater Big Kev…

Nash enters the ring and calls for his pyro, which nearly singes Jericho's hair. But as The Ayatollah of Rock-n-Rollah attempts to whine about it, he's cut off by an irate Diesel. His former best friend tried to ruin his career! Well, Kev is still standing! Well, CJ hates to interrupt Nashy, but why don't you complain to Hunter's face? In fact…here he is!

Time to Play the Game! (Bradshaw Note: This is my favorite part of the show. I love that man.)

Out from the dressing room comes the water spitting, suit wearing Greenwich Blueblood Triple H. (JG Note: I can't take credit for this one. Look at what the Amazon readers recommend for people who bought the Triple H DVD) Seeing him makes Nash irate and he tosses Jericho over the top rope. But as Hunter approaches, Y2J returns to the ring and hits Kevin with a low blow. At this point the arena was solidly behind Chris and began to boo Nash throughout the brawl, even breaking into a "Diesel Sucks" chant. The announcers try to explain that the fans feel anger toward Big Kev for attacking their countryman and not because he only does four moves. Then things start to get crazy. The two of them put on a very uninspired and painfully long brawl. The crowd loses interest and I swear to God, I keep looking down at the computer to take notes and when I look up I can't believe they're still brawling. The entire brawl lasted nine minutes and ended when a bloody Triple H carjacked an SUV outside the arena and sped off while Nash beat up a hippie looking security guard. I wasn't a big fan of this, but I guess it served some sort of purpose. I just found it to be a bit long. But finally they have something to build on between these two, I suppose.

Commercial Break. Remember the Etch-a-Sketch Animator? The Etch-a-Sketch that made pictures come to life? Remember when it first came out and it was the top of the line for electronic games? Now look at a Gameboy Advance SP commercial. Feel old? Good. Why should I suffer alone?

The street is alive with the sound of moans as the security guard and the carjacked guy are rolling around in agony. But Chris Jericho enjoys the carnage. Steve Austin notices the Shiny Canadian surveying the damage and informs him that he will face go one on one with Kevin Nash next week right here on Raw! Chris is just as upset as I am about this and complains as the Texas half of the GMs takes off.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler hype next week's show from Philadelphia and recap the King's heroic JR-saving win over Chief Morley. We then give the soft sell for Judgement Day and mention the Intercontinental title return and Trips versus Diesel.

(3) Booker T pinned Lance Storm after a scissorskick Wow, Lance Storm is so much more energetic in Canada. Seriously, he came running in with a big smile. The funky fresh Storminator gets a great response as always from the Canadian crowd. I always thought it was so strange how the Canadian heels have the unique distinction of jumping sides once in a while when they’re past the border. That's what made this match make even less sense. Storm was put in there with a hot crowd behind him. Booker was tossed into an after-thought match that had no story behind it. Yet, Booker pinned Lance. Not a bad effort, though. Good action, but pointless.

La Resistance has arrived backstage and they have a proposition for the Kiebler lady with the long legs. Perhaps she should join up with them (JG Note: and stop the execution of Terrance and Philip.) The Ambiguously French duo sweet talk Miss Hancock and tell her to consider their offer. They're like Billy and Chuck with accents.

Commercial Break. If you eat at Subway, you eat fresh. If you eat something you found in the subway, it's probably not so fresh.

(3) La Resistance defeated Tommy Dreamer & Spike Dudley when Sylvan Grenier pinned Spike Dudley Oh my God. La Resistance should have been named "The Sissies." They came out in burettes and black tights with sashes bearing the French Colors. They're a good team, but I definitely think Vince should jump onto public sentiment early and put them in a higher profile spot. I also thought it was a bit strange to debut such an anti-USA style team in Canada. The Frenchmen get the win following a Flapjack. (JG Note: 1988 – The Young Stallions, 1992 – Tito Santana & Virgil, 1998 – Viscera & Mideon, 2003 – Spike Dudley & Tommy Dreamer)

After the bell, Renee Dupree gets a Kendo Stick and prepares to continue and assault. Shouldn't he have gotten a loaf of French Bread or something? But before La Resistance can do any further damage, the Big Bad Booty Testicles chase them off. Steiner and Test stand tall as the evil duo retreat.

Commercial Break. This week's Confidential features the story of Elizabeth. The promo hypes information on her relationship with Lex Luger. Why do I get the feeling that this is going to be a Confidential that we'll be talking about for a while?

Eric Bischoff is on the phone and he's complaining to Linda McMahon about his pushy roommate, Steve Austin. Lindy Mac doesn't want to hear it though and tells Easy E to suck it up. Eric chooses to suck up and reminds Vince's bootay that he digs mature women. Just then, the phone goes dead. Bischoff enrages the crowd by mocking Canadian cell phone service. Way to hit those hot buttons, Eric. You know how proud cities are of their cell phone service.

Miss Terri is overdressed and in the locker room with Edge's little brother, Christian. She attempts to get his views on the upcoming showdown with Da Man Goldberg. With a fresh attitude, Sister Christian proclaims himself the new People's Champion and promises to start a new streak for Bill…a losing streak! Muwhahahahah!!!!! Oh Hahahahahahha! Mahahahhahhaha! Castle Greyskull will be mine!

Jerry Lawler proclaims that the best Puppies in WWE are Trish's and she's next. That man does wonders for the respect of the women's division. Get your leash, kids. It's Puppies after the…

Commercial Break. If Carrotop is going to tell me how to make a phone call, I should at least get to tell him to cut his hair.

(4) Women's Champion Jazz pinned Trish Jazz brought Teddy Long and the rest of the family out for this one and JR speculated as to how Miss Trish would handle the odds. Not a bad showing by the two, but we were obviously running short of time. Quick battle saw Stratus hit the slingshot Bulldog on the Jazzy One but fall short of the pin when Victoria ran in to distract the ref. With the zebra's attention diverted, J-Zaz nailed the Canadian Fitness Model with the strap and got the pin. The Nation of Teddy Long celebrate and leave Stratus on the mat in Stratus-pain.

Still to come…Austin has a tea party and Goldberg eats Chistian! Just one last…

Commercial Break. These anti-drug commercials drive me nuts. Why can’t they just say "Don't do drugs. If you do drugs, you are at great risk of dying?" Instead they deliver these insane scenarios where you could do drugs and then slaughter a town or give birth to a litter of kittens. Maybe if they stop creating scare tactics and start telling the honest reasons for not doing drugs, they might do some good.

Christian comes to the ring and he's got the green tights for this outing. Goldenberg has updated his look as well and now has longer trunks that are half-white and black. The white represents the good. The black represents the bad. The red streak, of course, represents the blood of all the Indian Nations. Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiy!

You got Three-Minutes…worth of time put into your character development.

From the back comes Rico and Three-Minute Warning. A very bad wrestling style promo sees Sideburns give Goldy a rundown of how each member of the Warning Crew will destroy him. The only levity to the situation was when the King piped in "Is Rico nuts?" Bill invites them down and they oblige.

Jamal is taken out with a tackle while Rico is vanquished with a slam. Rosy gets the upperhand for all of four seconds before he's hit with a DDT. Jamal attempts to bring respect back to his ranks by taking BG Gold down with a Samoan Drop. The Trio put the boots to Bill but find themselves again on the short end of the stick when he nails them with a double clothesline. Rico knows he's in trouble as his jaw drops at the sight of Billy in the ring alone with him.

(5) Goldberg pinned Rico after a Jackhammer Rico tries to run, but he can't escape the Monster from Planet Goldberg (JG Note: Jim Ross made that one up. You like? I think it's kinda cheesy.) He Jackhammers the Stylist Gladiator right out of his tin foil pants and gets the pin. I have no idea why. He was scheduled to fight Christian. Oh yeah…you want to know what became of old Christian? Well, listen closely my child.

After the bell, Christian Cage returned to the squared circle and rocked Goldberg with a chair to the head. Before the WCW franchise could get payback, the Canadian Christian was gone. Irate, The Goldbergler took the microphone and said "Christian…"

Ka…Kachhhhhhhhhh!

When you hear the glass, it can only mean one thing! The Stone Cold General Manager is here! He's here and….uh so is Goldberg! Lawler is the first to hype the importance of this moment. Austin enters the ring with Bill and calls to the crowd. Bill Goldberg looks like Steve Austin's not-so-bright, monster-sized older brother. The Bionic Blonde is here to drink some beer. He said he would and he will. Does Goldberg have a problem with that? Big Bill approaches Steve and says that he most definitely does have a problem with that. Oh, Billy, you're just cranky. It's an unfortunate side effect of hunger. How about next week you get Christian one on one? Goldy thinks it over and tells the Ringmaster that it's not good enough. Ok, Bill, you got me backed against the wall. I'll give you Christian right here next week. I'll throw in the Sosa Rookie Card, the Millineum Beanie Babie, the Super Shammy and we'll put your match inside of Steel Cage! Berg likes the sound of that and he's gone and made himself a new friend.

Stone Cold calls for some beers to be tossed into the ring and begins to crack them open and guzzle them like days gone by. Goldberg watches on until Steve calls for some beers for Bill. The Jackhammerman busts them open and pours them all over his mouth and face (JG Note: Next week, Stone Cold, we'll do something I like. I'll bring my dogs to the ring and you can pet em.) The ring is then filled with party kids and beer vendors as Steve Austin and Bill Goldberg celebrate nothing with random strangers. Goldy and Steve drink heavily as we fade to black.

All in all… A notch above average. I enjoyed this week's broadcast at different points and tuned out at others. The storyline between Eric Bischoff and Stone Cold was done well and gave us a good foundation for the pace of their relationship. We saw the long awaited return of Jim Ross and the historic on-air meeting of Steve Austin and Goldberg. But there were some parts of the show that I was not into all that much. I found Hunter's brawl with Nash to be a bit dragged out and perhaps should have involved a bit more explanation. Rico and Three-Minute Warning are also in a terrible position. Being in the main event can be a blessing, unless of course you happen to have a character with little or no direction. The trio need some serious retooling. Other than that, we did a good job of setting up next week's show and giving viewers a reason to watch. There's nothing worse than not knowing any matches until Monday afternoon. Well, there you have it. From my head to yours – Raw in a nutshell. Here's the e-mail address: Jguttman@PWTorch.com. See you Thursday in the LOUNGE and here next Monday as the Odd Couple continues to get themselves into crazy adventures!

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