By Derek Burgan, Torch Team Contributor

In a nutshell: You’ll be a lover in my bed, And a gun to my head. -“Ava Adore” Smashing Pumpkins

Trivia Time! This week on Derek Bischoff's Monday Night Raw trivia, we honor a real legend in the sport of professional wrestling. A man who held the same WCW title on numerous occasions. A man who has teamed with such athletes as Steve Austin and Triple H. And, a man who is an international superstar recognized the world over. This week, our question revolves around the man, the myth, the Blue Blood himself - Lord Steven "William" Regal.
Alright, so teaming with Christopher Nowinski isn't as big a deal as teaming with Steve Austin (which he did, as a substitute for Brian Pillman) . But, one thing that was a pretty big deal was his opponent at Clash of the Champions XXVIII (that's 28 to you non-Super Bowl types) . Held on August 28, 1994, Regal lost a match but kept his chin up in defeat. Who was this all-time great?

(A) Antonio Inoki
(B) Lou Thesz
(C) Ricky Steamboat
(D) Mil Mascaras
(E) Bullet Bob Armstrong

BUT FIRST! It’s almost mind numbing how the same creative team that gave us SummerSlam, the first must watch wrestling event of the year, comes back the very next day and produce that kind of Raw. It doesn’t take a psychic or an ability to read tea leaves to see where all this is going. I’ll put up my revered Godfather DVD set to any reader who doesn’t think that Crippled H isn’t going to be some sort of Raw champion before long. I just don’t understand it. Last week I was more excited than ever to be a wrestling fan and it’s almost like the wind was taken out of my sails in the past few days. And of course the news doesn’t get any better after it looks almost inevitable that baseball is going on strike tomorrow. This must endear us even more to the countries across the globe that have a hard time having enough food to eat and keeping their 10 year olds out of factories or prostitution rings. An average salary of 2 million dollars. Think about that.

So to bring some cheer into the world I decided today to add a very special edition to this weeks Express. Stolen from the pages of HYPE comes a special Ripped From the Headlinez. It can be found at the end of the recap.

On to the show!

***Oh Dear God No…Stephanie McMahon walked out and announced that the #1 contenders’ match on Raw was a joke because Brock Lesnar is exclusive to Smackdown. For those keeping track at home that was the first of many Raw references tonight. She said that we would need a new contender and he would come from a series of single elimination style matches. She then introduced the first two opponents while showing that Tony Chimmel’s job isn’t in any jeopardy.

(1) Eddie Guererro beat Edge in a #1 contender’s elimination match. Finish came after Eddie grabbed two chairs and brought one into the ring. Edge grabbed the chair and the ref stopped him from hitting Eddie. While the ref and Edge were arguing, Eddie grabbed the other chair. When Edge turned around and went for a spear, Eddie pulled the chair out and WHAM! Edge hit the chair. Latino Heat polished Edge off with a great looking frogsplash.

Heat Index: Despite the horrible first few moments of the show, it was a really cool idea to start a “one night only” type tourney right away with two of WWE’s studs. The crowd went nuts when Edge was announced and they kept it up throughout a hot match. Edge gave a great looking suplex to Eddie which sent him straight over the top rope and onto the floor. I also like the spear-into-chair idea.

JOB Failure: It was good to give Eddie his win back from SummerSlam, but I’m not sure I would have had it so quickly after the PPV. I don’t think you want to get into your fans minds that they just need one week to see matches free and save $35.

Kayfabe Factor: Mike W: Tony, you have 30 seconds to talk about why Edge isn’t in the main events every week. Tony K: Thirty seconds? I just need five to say what I think. I have absolutely NO IDEA why he isn’t being pushed against the big stars in the WWE. This guy has everything that Vince looks for and the fans want. He’s proven he can be a great tag AND a superb singles wrestler, what else do you want? I think I saw him in more main events when he was following that goof Gangrel. Speaking of Vampires, Queen of the Damned came out this week Mike, is that Allyah hot or what? Mike W: Time’s up Tony.

***Backstage Matt Hardy rushes up to Stephanie McMahon to see if he was going to be in the next elimination match. Steph told him that Rikisihi would be next. Matt then asked if he was going to face the winner of that match to with Steph replied, “We’ll see Matt. We’ll see.”

(2) Reverend D-Von beat John Cena. Finish came after D-Von hit Cena with an inverted DDT. After the pin, Batista was in the ring waiting for D-Von. D-Von charged, got hit with a clothesline and given an OFF THE CHARTS looking sitting powerbomb. Wow!

Heat Index: Whatever “it” is, Cena has “it”. Too bad other than his first two weeks, he hasn’t really had the opportunity to show it. I hope there is some sort of major plan for him as losing to D-Von isn’t really something that is going to get the fans beside him. Didn’t this guy beat Chris Jericho clean?

JOB Failure: I don’t understand it. In the 32 hours of programming the WWE has to fill how many are filled with a storyline of why Batista is going nuts? Zero. Cena looks absolutely like the perfect wrestling monster right now with sharp looking red and gold trunks.

Kayfabe Factor: Cena finally dumped those light blue color scheme on his trunks and went for a much more darker blue. He is now 65% less lame looking.

***A Rey Mysterio video aired with highlights of Rey Rey’s WCW and WWE match and ending with “next!” Why can’t they do this more often?! Seriously, this was a fantastic idea and perfectly executed.

(3) Rey Mysterio beat Rico (w/Billy & Chuck) . Finish came after Rico missed a spinning leg kicked, got pushed down into position for the 629 (!) and finished off with the West Coast Pop.

Heat Index: I’ve been praising the shit out of Rey Rey for the past couple of weeks but it was Rico who really stole this match for me. The Stylist hit a two great looking snap suplexes, picked Rey up in a British Bulldog like suplex and finished with a brainbuster. Later on Rico threw Rey up in the air, caught him and polished him off with a slam. Throw in his kicks which are second only to Tajiri in the WWE and I find it hard to believe that Meltzer or anyone can’t see him being a big star one day.

JOB Failure: Am I the only one who remembers Chuck and Billy almost breaking up a couple weeks ago? “Vince, I don’t understand it. No matter what we do the ratings just won’t go up!”- WWE creative team.

Kayfabe Factor: West Coast Pop is still the dumbest name for the coolest move. It looked like Rico almost got his head crushed on this one. An incredible move and Rico sold it like a pro.

***Backstage Hardcore Holly is yelling at Stephanie McMahon. Holly is upset that Hugh Morris is on Tough Enough 3 and not him. WRESTLING’S HOTTEST WOMAN came over and told Steph she had an important call. Steph left, but Holly got right in Dawn Marie’s face and told her “no call is more important than Hardcore Holly!”

***Ad for the new Hulk Still Rules DVD. For once the WWE is totally correct when it says it is “truly a must have”. SHILL ALERT! While I don’t have the Hulk DVD I have a bunch of other great movies available at www.amazon.com/shops/derekburgan22 Be sure to mention you are a reader of the Torch.com

***Plug for the Pledge for Participation this past week in New York that had Kurt Angle, Edge and Stacy Kiebler among others there to hard sell Smackdown the vote. How the WWE passed up a perfect opportunity to bring in the UnAmericans is beyond me. Imagine the heat Lance Storm could get by going off on America and the fact that only 35% of the public votes. Now THAT would get people signing up.

***In our 78th Stephanie skit of the night, Steph is now in her office talking on the phone to someone who got screwed over on Raw. She says all “he” has to do is sign some papers, give them to Dawn Marie and she’ll take care of the rest. In a great bit, Matt Hardy ran into the room (ala Chris Jericho breaking up Vince and Stacy Kiebler) and wanted to know if he was in the next elimination match. Steph blew him off and continued to talk on the phone. Matt eventually hung up the phone on her and Steph flipped. Next up came the Steph that drove millions of wrestling fans away as she screamed at Matt and called him a son of a bitch. She said if Matt wants Brock Lesnar he can have him TONIGHT in a non-title match. Matt was excited as all hell. One of Matt Hardy’s best skits I’ve ever seen.

***Mark Lloyd, the thinking man’s Jonathon Coachman is interviewing Rikishi. The Samoan says he is going to get revenge on Brock for the F5 he got a couple weeks ago. Latino heat interrupted and told Rikishi that his “diaper” was wrapped too tight and it was cutting off circulation to his head. Wait, Eddie realized that wasn’t Rikishi’s head, it was his ass. Great Stuff!

(4) Rikishi beat Eddie Guerrero in a #1 contender’s elimination match. Finish came after Rikishi gave Eddie a superkick to the chin. After the match Chris Benoit quickly ran to the ring and the two double teamed Rikishi. The beatdown ended after Eddie frogsplashed Rikishi and Benoit strapped on the Crippler Crossface. Edge came down for the save.

Heat Index: While I’m far and away from the biggest Rikishi fan, he did a serviceable job in this and of course it would take a miracle to get a bad match out of Eddie. The post match attack was actually the best part as Benoit was in there before you could even blink. These two work together so well it’s scary.

JOB Failure: It seems the set up for this tourney is that each guy will win a match and then lose the next one. I would have liked to see one guy bust his ass and win all the matches until the end when he is just too beat to do the job. Eddie would have made the perfect guy for a job like this.

Kayfabe Factor: Randy Orton is alive! Several readers reported seeing him on Velocity and I myself saw him on an ad for Confidential. Maybe the WWE can give Rikishi or D-Von a week or two off and try to get this guy back into the eyes of the public.

***Backstage Stephanie tells Benoit he must be even more upset at losing his belt to a Raw wrestler then she is. Therefore she is giving him the next match in the elimination series.

(5) Shannon Moore (w/The Hurricane) beat Tajiri (w/Jamie Noble & Nidia) . Finish came after Tajiri grabbed Moore like he was going to give him a belly-to-back suplex, but Moore countered it and ended up rolling up the Japanese Buzzsaw for the win.

Heat Index: Like the Rey Mysterio/Rico match, these two put on quite the display. I don’t understand why they aren’t trying to build up Moore a lot more than they are cause the kid has a great look and can hang with the best of the cruiserweights. Either make him Hurricane’s sideick or make Shane Helms ditch the character and have the two become a legitimate tag team. This inbetween stuff gets neither over the way they should be. The last couple weeks Shannon has pulled out some neat rollups for victories that are refreshing to watch. If every single person in this match isn’t a huge star by next summer the entire creative staff should be fired.

JOB Failure: I really don’t know what’s worse. The WWE Cruiserweight champion never defending his belt on a show that is the “exclusive home to cruiserweight action!”® Tajiri, losing every match he’s been for about 2 years give or take one. Or the Hurricane, a gimmick which lives and dies on getting backstage skits/promos just being thrown out there every week and left to die. inconceivable! Somebody gets paid a lot more money than you or I to screw these characters up like this you know.

Kayfabe Factor: If you would have told me Nidia would have been the best thing to come out of the two years of Tough Enough before the last month I would have laughed my ass off. But I’ll be damned…that year in OVW has paid off in spades.

(6) Benoit beat Rikishi in a #1 contender’s elimination match.. Finish came after Benoit forced Rikishi to tap out to the Crippler Crossface.

Heat Index: Chris Benoit should be next to the definition of “intensity”. He made it look like the Crossface was going to kill Rikishi. The veins were popping out, his facial expressions were on the money. It’s no surprise he has one of less than a handful of submission maneuvers that the crowd actually believes in.

JOB Failure: This was a quick match. I mean real quick. I would have to say less than 3 minutes, and that includes twosubmission holds.

Kayfabe Factor: I liked how there actually seemed to be a plan to the earlier attack on Rikishi other than making it obvious that Benoit would be next. It gave a logical reason for why this match was so incredibly short.

***Mark Lloyd interviews Kurt Angle. Your Olympic Hero first wanted to apologize to Snow White and the rest of the dwarves for beating Rey Rey so badly at Summerslam. He then announced that Stephanie had “saved the best for last” and made him a part of the last elimination match against Chris Benoit!

***Funaki was outside Brock Lesnar’s dressing room and ran into Paul Heyman. In one of those great Heyman skits, Paul ended up getting Funaki terrified of talking to Brock. Matt Hardy arrived on the scene and said if Brock won’t talk. He will. Matt said the WWE has to get ready for a new “Attittude”, and it’s called “Mattitude”. Heyman was in disbelief and said Matt had a death wish.

(7) Brock Lesnar beat Matt Hardy v1.0. After reversing the Twist of Fate, Brock gave Matt a monsterous looking F5!

Heat Index: Talk about a match that would be better than anyone could hope for. In a great spot, Matt jumped off the top rope onto Brock who was on the outside of the ring. Brock caught him and was about to ram him into the ring post when Matt slipped out and pushed Brock into the pole. I really can’t get over how well the Rock sold the F5 at SummerSlam and Matt did tonight. I really wasn’t impressed with that move at first, but it’s totally grown on me.

JOB Failure: They’ve spent the last couple weeks making Matt v1.0 look like a total prick it’s really amazing they gave him the superbabyface role in this match. Regardless, this was the most fun I’ve had watching Matt Hardy outside of the TLC matches. He most definitely has an opportunity now to move up on the radar screen of the public, something he didn’t have a chance in hell of doing on Raw.

Kayfabe Factor: After the match Matt was climbing back to his feet when Brock ran back in and gave him two devastating powerbombs. It’s a good touch to make Brock be absolutely psycho and listening to whatever Heyman tells him. It will make the eventual turn on Heyman electric.

***Backstage Steph was watching a tape of Smackdown and realized she had only been in 90% of the skits. She yelled at Kevin Dunn to somehow insert her in the Funaki interview segment. Dawn Marie entered the room and showed Steph that she had a signed contract. Stephanie said that this changes the main event to a Triple Threat Match for the #1 contender’s spot. Steph then told Dawn to get The Bisch on the phone because she wants him to see a Raw star show up on Smackdown tonight.

***Stephanie came out to introduce the Undertaker. Now this was depressing.

(8) The Undertaker beat Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit to become the #1 contender to the WWE title. Finish came after Benoit tossed Angle over the top rope and turned around to be given a Last Ride.

Heat Index: Still a great main event. It really drives me nuts that Taker was thrown into the mix because of the few glimpses we got of a Chris Benoit versus Kurt Angle match were just “off the hook”®Tazz/Nickelodeon’s Clockstoppers. One sequence had the two traded a series of continuous German Suplexes! Later on in the match Benoit had The Red Devil locked in Crippler Crossface and Kurt Angle came over and applied the Ankle Lock. Nice! Of course Taker pretty much no sold them, but we can’t have everything can we?

JOB Failure: Am I supposed to believe that Eric Bischoff, the same Eric Bischoff who has raided Smackdown for the last month didn’t have the Undertaker under contract?! Especially after putting him in a #1 Contender’s match on Monday. How god damn stupid does the WWE think their fans are?

Kayfabe Factor: In a Smackdown Exclusive elimination tournament including Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle, The Undertaker wins. If you look close enough, you might see Triple H’s fingerprints ALL over this one.

From: Derek Burgan (derekburgan22@hotmail.com)
To: Vince McMahon (VKMcMahon@FearThePanda.com)
RE: Recent Direction

Vince, I don’t understand. Were the last month of overwhelmingly positive reviews from the fans and wrestling media just too much to handle? Did someone watch SummerSlam and think, “This is exactly what we shouldn’t be doing? While the hardcore belt certainly wasn’t lighting up the world, could it have been because of the over 150 legit title changes this year alone? And now aren’t there a whole group of wrestlers who basically have nothing to wrestle for? The roster jumps have gotten so out of hand that the actual brand extension storyline has more holes in it than Dino Bravo’s corpse. Was the Undertaker really needed on Smackdown? Does anyone in Stamford see the crowd pop for the Rey Mysterio’s and Edge’s already on the show? I would hope to think as a WWE stockholder your goal is to get both Smackdown and Raw brands their own individual PPV’s. You will never achieve that goal with this constant swapping and the 400 mentions of Raw on Smackdown. You certainly didn’t see the real Kevin Nash and Scott Hall show up on WWE TV when they were in the NWO down in Atlanta. That’s why it went big. There is still an fantastic opportunity to save this show and groom it to be the foundation of a new generation of fans. Believe in the future and don’t fall back on the past Vince. While the crowd cheers Taker showing up, they also went ape-shit for Hogan and we all saw how that translated when it came to box office and buys. You are only appealing to the fans who are already watching and will never leave, we need to focus on getting back the ones who left and attracting those who aren’t watching.

Sincerely,

A concerned fan/investor/idiot

NEXT WEEK! It will mark one year that I began writing Smackdown reviews for PWTorch.com We’ll have some special surprises to celebrate (or mourn, whatever the case may be) that anniversary right here in seven days. Same mark time. Same mark channel!

***Overall Show: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” So goes the beginning of the classic novel, A Tale of Two Cities and nothing explains this edition of Smackdown better. The good was very good. The bad, well the bad was f---ing horrible. The talent level on this show is just unbelievable and tonight Rico proved without a doubt he belongs right up there with the John Cena’s, Rey Mysterio’s and the rest of the group that will bring the fans back. The less said about the sheer volume of Stephanie McMahon tonight and the bringing in of Undertaker the better.

“ Tell me he didn’t just say that?!” (Quotes of the Night)

”Hurt Street. It’s next to Bridge Street.” - Tazz, explaining one of his metaphors to Cole.

“You hear that? They LOVE me in Mohegon Sun!!” - A delusional Matt Hardy in a great moment, to Stephanie McMahon.

”It doesn’t matter to me if it’s Mr. Macarana Eddie Guerrero.” - Hardcore Holly. I think the “Macarana” reference to Latino Heat is officially played.

”Your diaper, it’s a little tight don’t you think? It’s cutting off the circulation to your head. Oh wait, that’s your ass. Why don’t you get your head out of it.” - Eddie Guerrero, to Rikishi.

”How do you say in Spanish, Back That Ass Up?” - Rikishi, in response.

”Nidia’s got greatteeth. All five of them! - Tazz.

”The last time he’ll be medalling in my affairs.” - Kurt Angle, while holding his Olympic Medals, referring to Rey Mysterio.

”He was harboring my medals in the confines of his genetalia!” -Kurt Angle, referring to an previous storyline with Chris Benoit. Apparently Kurt didn’t read the memo Stephanie, who was once about to be sacrificed by the Undertaker, got. Kurt, you’re not allowed to pretend the viewers have any sort of attention span and actually watch the show and become invested in the characters.

”He kicked him right in the ass.” - Tazz, after Cena literally kicked D-Von in the butt. Tazz said it really softly as if he didn’t know he was allowed to say that on air.

Answer to Trivia Time: A) . I suppose if he can run his own wrestling promotion in Buffalo, Inoki can wrestle for WCW in Cedar Rapids, IA. Unfortunately, many people remember Antonio best (if they remember him at all) from his wrestler vs. boxer "dance" versus Muhammad Ali. (Not me, I remember him best from his ridiculous appearance in the movie "The Bad News Bears Go To Japan".) The amazing thing was, the only other wrestler on this list to even wrestle at this Clash was Steamboat, and he won the US title from Steve Austin. Oh, and the main event was between a couple of guys named Flair and Hogan.

****Free Sample of HYPE****(like I could resist after reading that non-story of the idiot in the water tank at WWE New York)

Ripped From the Headlinez

Beleaguered Journalist emerges, faints after 24 hours immersed
By Derek Burgan, Torch Lackey
August 29, 2002

MINNESOTA - With his skin crinkled and his eyes bloodshot, wrestling journalist Jason Powell escaped yesterday from his living room in Minneapolis, Minnesota apartment.

After 24 hours of continuous watching of professional wrestling on television, the 29-year-old Parts Unknown native thanked family, friends, The Gobbledy Gooker –and his employer, PWTorch.com- before passing out and vomiting as he was loaded onto an ambulance, which took him to Jesse Venture Memorial Hospital in the Twin Cities.

Doctors there were treating him for boredom and keeping his body wrapped in blankets to raise his body temperature. Torch editor-in-chief Wade Keller said Powell was weak but improving and he expected him to released in the morning, just in time to file his report on the Torch 1-900 line.

Friends say Powell had secluded himself in his apartment the previous day in order to break a previously thought of “unbreakable” record. “10 hours is the most any human being has been able to watch professional wrestling continuously.” Said friend Annette Boyer, “Much less if Stephanie McMahon is involved of course.”

The previous World Record was about 10 hours and 15 minutes, according to Guinness, and was shared by two men from England, who not surprisingly committed suicide shortly thereafter.

Over the course of a single day Mr. Powell had assaulted his senses with every form of wrestling imaginable. Included in this media dubbed “24 hours of madness” were mainstream WWE shows like Raw, Pay Per View only programs like NWA TNA, something called Steel Domain Wrestling (which this reporter can not find a single credible source to corroborate actually exists) and finally finishing off with the program that seemed to push this wrestling fan over the edge, a series of “shoot” videos from RF Video. Neighbors claim to have heard screams coming from Mr. Powell’s apartment when something called a “Shane Douglas Shoot” was being played. Soon thereafter a call was placed to 911 and Jason’s ordeal was over.

“Honestly I ran into some problems last night,” Powell said as his personal assistant BJ Bethel carried him out to wave to the crowd in the street. “It got too bizarre – I never should have popped in that WCW Uncensored tape. I thought I was going to pass out. I feel like Mark Madden looks.”

“Check out the newsletter,” he said to the gathering television cameras, plugging his feat of strength, shortly before passing out.

“He looks dead- white as a ghost,” said spectator Michael Kopstick. “Like they say, don’t try this at home. In fact I wouldn’t recommend watching more than 2 hours of wrestling in any 45 hour period. Less if Stephanie McMahon is involved of course.”

***HYPE vol 1, issue #3 This Saturday ONLY on PWTorch.com!

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express and the Saturday Exclusive HYPE every week for PWTorch.com. He really feels bad for Matt Hardy right now. He can be reached at Dburgan@pwtorch.com and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.

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