By Mallory Mahling, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Raw "Virtual Time" Coverage
August 18, 2003
Live from Grand Rapids, Michigan
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mallory Mahling, Torch Team Contributor

Ongoing "Virtual Time" Review of the Show

Welcome to tonight's ongoing coverage of Raw. You may need to hit "refresh" from time to time to see the latest update. Torch VIP members, remember that Wade Keller is posting his "virtual time" report during Raw at PWTorch.com/members.

Raw is live tonight from the Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

On the menu is Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Nash in a Hair vs. Hair match. Which one will be able to throw away his hot rollers?

There's also the next chapter in the ongoing feud between Test and Big Poppa Pump. Only one of these big boys will walk away with Stacy on his arm.

Quarter Hour 1

Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler welcomed viewers to this pre-SummerSlam Raw.

It was time for Raw is Jericho, and the King of Bling Bling expected to have a very busy week. Tonight he would beat Kevin Nash and cut all his frizzy hair right off his huge cranium. He'd be Big Daddy Bald. (James Guttman came up with that one first, as I recall.)

Jericho was obsessed with winning the title on Sunday night at SummerSlam. The Elimination Chamber was the most violent, brutal, devastating match he'd ever been in. (The crowd was chanting "Jericho Sucks.") He'd come so close to winning the title last November, then Jericho introduced the man who'd snatched the title out of his grasp, Shawn Michaels.

"Sexy Boy" shimmied down to the ring to a huge pop.

Jericho asked HBK if he had what it took to win the Elimination Chamber a second time. When Michaels started to answer, Y2J yanked the mic away and said he had an important Hair vs. Hair match to get ready for. But his close personal friends, Evolution, would be special guest co-hosts of the Highlight Reel tonight.

Triple H, Ric Flair, and Randy Orton swaggered out and circled Michaels. The crowd was booing heartily.

Triple H recalled the ferocity of the Elimination Chamber. He claimed he'd lost the most, because he'd spent 48 hours in a hospital bed and lost the title to HBK. This year would be differrent, since Evolution would be watching his back. He promised that HBK would be the one in the hospital bed this time.

Michaels answered the taunt with his fists, but he was soon being triple-teamed. Kevin Nash, bleach blonde for some reason, came out to even the odds a bit. Goldberg the Monster ran down next and cleaned house. He crouched to spear Triple H, but Trips moved out of harm's way and pulled Nash right into the spear.

Backstage, Test was sweet-talking Stacy. He was doing a good job til he told her this time he'd treat her like the "little slut" that she is.

(Commercial break)

Quarter Hour 2

Moments ago: Goldberg had speared Kevin Nash.

Earlier today, Trish had been asked about Gail Kim. She said she'd deal with her later, since she was concentrating on leaving Grand Rapids with the Women's Title tonight.

(1) Women's Title Match: Molly Holly over Trish Stratus via DQ. Strange match with choppy action. Molly to tombstone Trish, but couldn't get her up right. Dropkicks and chops by Trish on Molly. A spine buster by Trish, then she spotted Gail Kim on the apron and tossed her to the floor. Molly was in the process of pinning Trish, but was attacked by Gail Kim. The referee called for the bell and Molly retained the title. This was not the usual top-notch women's match we've come to expect.

Evolution was up to no good when Stone Cold walked by. Austin thought Goldberg vs. Randy Orton would be a good match tonight. The match would probably need a special enforcer, and Stone Cold Steve Austin volunteered. Needless to say, Evolution did not like that idea at all.

(Commercial break)

Shane McMahon came out to speechify. He announced that there would not be a match between Eric Bischoff and himself at SummerSlam. That was because he'd drag Eric's slimy self to the ring tonight.

Shane said he had something special for Kane. He walked backstage, then came out with a gas can. He said Kane was not the only one who liked to play with fire.

Goldust was tutoring LanceDust in the art of being unpre-dick-dick-dictable. Lane said he could do that; he'd returned a video once without rewinding it.

Live in Greewich, CT, Linda McMahon was reading magazines. She'd have something to say live later in the show, promised J.R.

Quarter Hour 3

(2) Test over Scott Steiner to win Stacy's Services. As the entrances were made, footage was shown of the gallant way Test treats his women. The winner of this match will gain (or regain) Stacy's "managerial" services.

Steiner dominated early in the match. Freakzilla rolled right over Test like a pick-up truck. Test began to favor his knee, pretending he could not stand on it. The referee made the "X" sign and called for a trainer. Test was just about in tears (either from disappointment or pain, it was hard to tell from his acting).

The ring filled with referees and for some reason a cheer broke out in the crowd. Test was being helped from the ring, but when Steiner got within reach, Test kicked him, pinned him, and won Stacy's services. He'd fooled everybody. Test dragged Stacy to the back by her arm.

(Commercial break)

Quarter Hour 4

La Resistance had attacked the Dudley Boyz with Old Glory last week. Rene Dupree came out and asked the crowd for a moment of silence for the Dudleys. Sylvain Grenier promised to bury them once again at SummerSlam. They spotted a serviceman in the front row and began to hassle him. While their backs were turned, D-Von and Bubba Ray came out and chased Les Grenouilles away.

Bubba invited the serviceman to climb over the guardrail and a "USA" chant broke out. He got in the ring, looking suspiciously like a plant, and waved the flag as the "USA" chant continued. Then he suddenly took the flag pole to Bubba and D-Von and joined La Resistance in attacking the Americans.

"Who is this guy?" asked J.R.

Chris Jericho was moussing his hair backstage before heading out for his Hair vs. Hair match with Nash.

(Commercial match) It's he, it's he -- it's DDP. He wants you to stay tuned for SlamBall.

Last month, Kane had tombstoned Linda McMahon. Linda was shown surfing on her home computer. Even she wasn't watching Raw.

(3) Hair vs. Hair: Chris Jericho over Kevin Nash. Nash's whitish-blonde hair made him look like Big Grampa Cool. This match started off with Nash's big knees and elbows in the corner, followed by a tilt-a-whirl slam. Nash went for an early pin, but Jericho got a shoulder up.

Quarter Hour 5

There was a case of barber tools at ringside.

Jericho began a comeback and nearly pinned Nash after a dropkick. Jericho took the cover off the top turnbuckle, and while the referee was replacing the cover, Nash had Jericho pinned for a 5 count. But since the ref didn't see it, the match continued. Nash capitalized on an error in timing, but could not make the winning pin. Nash got a face full of Jericho's foot, followed by a Lionsault, but Nash got a shoulder up at 2.

Jericho tried mightily to get Nash into the Walls of Jericho. Nash tried to crawl to the ropes and finally made it. Nash powerbombed Jericho, but Y2J got his foot on the rope to stop the count.

The momentum began to pick up and Nash gave Jericho a boot to the face and pulled down his straps. But Jericho gave Nash a low blow, then reached into his boot and pulled out some brass knucks. With Nash flat on his back, Jericho went for the pin and the win.

He immediately went for a pair of scissors and snipped off Nash's Goldilocks. Nash was nowhere near bald, but he was certainly bleached within an inch of his life.

All things considered, this was a surprisingly good match.

(Commercial break)

Quarter Hour 6

Earlier today, a little girl was trying to coax her kitten out of a tree. Rosey, the S.H.I.T., came to the rescue. As the camera conveniently panned away, and after a couple of whoooshes, Rosey returned with the kitten, which attacked him while Hurricane discussed superheroes with the youngster.

Theodore Long and Rodney Mack headed to the ring. Theodore said he'd been on a cruise. Belie' dat. He referred to last week's blackout and said tonight there would be a Mack Out. Whatever.

(4) Rosey (w/Hurricane) pinned Rodney Mack. Rosey seemed encumbered by his superhero costume. Lawler said he must have bought it at an "Everything for a Quarter" store. Mack attacked, but Rosey gave him a big Samoan Drop and a high-impact slam to take the win. Rosey and Hurricane posed. Rosey is beginning to bloom with this character.

In case you'd missed the earlier reminder, Kane had tombstoned Linda McMahon last month.

In Connecticut, Linda McMahon said she had two herniated disks and the doctors were hopeful that she would not need surgery.

Suddenly, the doorbell began to ring. Linda tried to continue the interview, but was distracted by the constant ringing. She excused herself to answer the door. Her face dropped as the intruder walked into camera range. It was Eric Bischoff.

Eric noted that there was nobody home (except for that cameraman). With a leer, he told Mrs. Cleaver she looked exceptional.

(Commercial break)

Back in Connecticut, Eric was snooping through Linda's things. She asked him to leave. He said he wanted to "please" her. (Couldn't J.R. pick up a phone and call 911 to come rescue her?)

Eric told Linda how he was going to break Shane's bones and beat him to a bloody pulp. Eric twisted Linda's arm and told her not to fight him. He suggested she show him the bedroom and kissed her. This really is a soap opera -- As the Stomach Turns.

(Commercial break)

Quarter Hour 7

Shane was hurrying out of the building and trying to reach someone on his cell phone. He stormed into the parking lot and stole a car. By the time he drives all the way from Michigan to Connecticut, he'll be late for Eric's party.

(5) Intercontinental Title Match: Rob Van Dam vs. Christian ended in interference. Good back and forth action. The crowd and very vocal and thought Christian sucked. Van Dam got his second wind and a near pin. His Rolling Thunder was met with Christian's knees. Christian felt the need to bring two chairs into the ring. Van Dam turned one of the chairs into a Van Daminator. The crowd was going wild. RVD came off the top with a Five Star Frog Splash and . . .

Kane's music hit. The referee was down. RVD managed to drive a chair into Kane's face. As RVD took a suicide dive, Kane cracked him with a chair, then picked up RVD and carried him off over his shoulder.

(Commercial break) A SummerSlam promo aired.

Quarter Hour 8

Moments ago: Kane and a chair ended RVD's chance to capture the IC Title tonight.

Test was making Stacy lap dance in the dressing room. Stevie Night Heat and Rico (Rico???) were drooling and getting out their dollar bills.

In the boiler room, Kane found Shane's gas can and poured it over RVD, who was hanging from a pipe. He stuffed a gag in RVD's mouth and tried to light a match, but it wouldn't stay lit.

This was very disturbing. Kane blew out his match (after he finally got one lit) and said "they" wanted him to burn RVD. But from now on, he'd do what he wanted, he shouted at Van Dam.

Stone Cold headed out to enforce the next match.

(Commercial break)

Quarter Hour 9

Ric Flair and Triple H joined J.R. and the King on commentary.

(6) Goldberg pinned Randy Orton. Loud Goldberg chant. Orton, Mr. Third Generation, ran from Goldberg, who caught up with Orton and got the show on the road. This was an actual wrestling match for a few minutes as Orton wore Goldberg down. Goldberg turned into his monster persona briefly before it turned into a brawl with Austin and Flair going at it, too. Goldberg managed to spear Orton, and Austin stunnered Flair. A jackhammer and a cover and Goldberg took the win.

Moving on to the high drama and SummerSlam hype, Triple H and Goldberg were glaring at each other. Goldberg invited Triple H down to the ring. But Nash (with a new chaircut) snuck up behind Goldberg and flattened him. "Not only has Nash changed look, he's changed attitude," said Lawler.

Shawn Michaels came out and picked up Triple H's belt, but Jericho whacked him with a steel chair from behind. Jericho had captured the title -- for a few minutes, anyway.

"Sunday, Sunday, Sunday," shouted a hoarse J.R. as the show went off the air.

You are encouraged to send in your comments on tonight's show to TVFeedback@pwtorch.com. Please include your name, hometown, rating from 1 to 10, and your thoughts in ready-to-publish format.

You can write to me at mmahling@pwtorch.com. I'd love to hear from you. And see you in The Lounge on Saturday.

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