9/9 Raw review: Mahling's "alternative perspective" rundown

WWE Raw Alternative Perspective Rundown
September 9, 2002
Ames, Iowa, at the Hilton Coliseum
Broadcast live on TNN
By Mallory Mahling, Torch Team Contributor

Top Five Items from the Program

(1) First the good news. Rob Van Dam survived a Fatal Four-Way Elimination Match to win a shot at the World Heavyweight Title. This match was the only saving grace in a show laced with sex and violence and an hour and a half of Jerry Lawler's libido.

(2) Now for the bad news. Eric Bischoff, always looking to one-up Stephanie, had a surprise announcement. Since the gay angle was garnering Steph so much publicity for Smackdown, he had an angle of his own: Hot Lesbian Wrestling. This segment would have embarrassed the trashiest Springer guest.

(3) Bubba Ray Dudley has turned his feud with Triple H up a notch. Triple H had a match with Spike Dudley tonight (a fairer fight than you might expect), but one of these days Bubba will get his chance to knock the chip off the Game's shoulder.

(4) William Regal is the newest member of the Un-Americans. At least the group had the good sense to leave their blow torch home this week.

(5) And don't forget you're all invited to the Wedding of the Year when Chuck & Billy tie the knot on Smackdown -- surely the biggest soap opera wedding since the fabled Luke and Laura nuptials on "General Hospital." Or maybe not. But after watching the lesbian wrestling segment, Chuck & Billy's campy wedding seems almost sophisticated by comparison.

Review of the Program

Quarter Hour 1

Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler welcomed viewers to Raw, live from the Hilton Coliseum on the campus of Iowa State University in Ames, Iowa. Go Cyclones!

It was a hellfire and brimstone kickoff, said J.R., as Kane headed to the ring.

(1) Tag Team Title Match: The Un-Americans (Lance Storm & Christian) beat Kane & Bradshaw. Bradshaw had a few inflammatory words about their opponents. He said they weren't out to win the tag titles for themselves. They were in the heart of America, which seemed like the perfect place to bring the titles home. (Loud "USA" chant.)

As Kane and Bradshaw dominated the match, the King babbled about a rumored announcement Eric Bischoff would make this evening. "The biggest shocker of the year," said the King. (From his level of "excitement," one would think it had something to do with puppies and/or thongs.)

Bradshaw powerbombed Christian, but Storm stopped the count. A series of near falls by each side was followed by a ref bump. Then the run-ins began. First Test, then Regal, which lead to the groggy ref counting the one-two-three for the Un-Americans. It was an unpopular win. Especially this week.

(Commercial break)

Quarter Hour 2

Eric Bischoff was already in the ring and addressing the fans' unhappiness with the way Triple H "won" the Heavyweight Title last week. To appease the fans, Bischoff had created a Fatal Four-Way Elimination Match tonight: Chris Jericho vs. Jeff Hardy vs. the Big Show vs. Rob Van Dam. The winner would get a shot at Triple H and his World Title at Unforgiven. That took care of the "sports" part of the evening, he said. Now, for the "entertainment." Eric referred to the Commitment Ceremony Stephanie had planned to entertain the fans with on Smackdown. The New York Times had done a piece on the wedding of Chuck and Billy. So had the New York Post and ESPN. Well, Eric Bischoff had a commitment, too, and that was to provide real entertainment to the viewers or Raw. He said he was going to do Steph one better. For the first time in the history of the WWE, he had some beautiful women lined up to take part in some "HLA." "Huh?" was the crowd's reaction. HLA, he repeated -- Hot Lesbian Action. True to form, the King began a steady stream of double-entendres (and worse) that lasted for the next hour and a half. It was a constant annoyance and interfered with anything and everything taking place in the ring from that point on. The man needs a muzzle.

J.R. tried to change the subject to the Fatal Four-Way match. As the King continued to jabber, J.R. reminded him that one of the lesbians could be Rosie O'Donnell.

Terri was interviewing Chris Jericho about the upcoming Fatal Four-Way match. He was eating an apple and spit it all over Terri as he spoke. What a class act.

Jonathan Coachman was standing by with Triple H. He asked about the Fatal Four Way, but Triple H side-stepped the question and talked about how he did not intend show fear of Rob Van Dam.

Bubba Ray Dudley interrupted and asked Triple H about his match tonight with Spike Dudley. Bubba questioned Triple H's grapefruits as it pertained to getting in the ring with the bigger Dudley.

Bubba was suddenly slammed into a wall by Stevie Richards, who seemed to be in cahoots with Triple H. (Or maybe just wannabe cahoots.)

(Commercial break)

Terri and Trish were walking down a hallway and paused outside a door marked "Lesbians."

(2) Bubba Ray Dudley beat Steven Richards. It's a small point, but Stevie seems to have moved overnight. Last night on Heat he was from Wallingford, Connecticut, and this evening he hailed from Philadelphia.

Bubba was making Stevie very sorry he'd slammed him into the wall.

Quarter Hour 3

Good action in the ring, but, of course, the King couldn't get his mind out of the gutter long enough to call the match.

Bubba got that look in his eye and the crowd wanted tables, but Stevie connected with a Stevie Kick before Bubba could go after wood. They took to the ropes, and Bubba took Stevie off the top with a Bubba Bomb for the win. Good match.

Stacy and Victoria were warming up backstage.

(Commercial break)

(3) Diva Tag Team Match: Trish Stratus & Terri over Victoria & Stacy Keibler. J.R. said Molly would have been in the match, but she'd gone through a table last week. And, of course, they showed "highlights" of the Pillow Fight Match last week.

Trish and Victoria, the actual wrestlers, got very little time in the ring. Instead, Terri (in her undies) and Stacy (in not much more) did all those things that the King finds so appealing.

Trish finally tagged in and took Victoria to school.

Quarter Hour 4

Trish continued to clean house, then tagged in Terri, who flew off the top with a crossbody and pinned Stacy for the win.

Chris Nowinski questioned William Regal's decision to join the Un-Americans, then said he was looking forward to the HLA match. Regal slapped his face. He was appalled that a Harvard graduate would be interested in such a thing.

(Commercial break)

Chris Nowinski limped out in his street clothes to put down the Iowa State crowd. His humor seemed to be falling flat... until Tommy Dreamer came out wearing an Iowa State tee shirt. Needless to say, Dreamer got a huge pop.

(4) Tommy Dreamer over Chris Nowinski. Although not a "scheduled" match, Tommy showed Mr. Harvard what a Singapore cane was all about. He took him to the woodshed, as J.R. put it. Mr. Ivy League wasn't tough enough tonight, and ran like a girl.

Spike Dudley walked past the lesbians in the hallway and just about choked on his water when they kissed.

(Commercial break)

Triple H made his grand entrance to start the second hour.

Quarter Hour 5

(5) Triple H over Spike Dudley. To his credit, Spike got in some good licks and got a near fall when Triple H wasn't looking. Spike was giving him a run for his money, and it finally dawned on the Game that he'd better take Spike seriously.

Spike came off the top rope in a impressive take down, but Triple H ended up giving him a Pedigree. "Nobody gets up from the Pedigree," said J.R. The Game went for another Pedigree and Spike low blowed him and nearly took the win with a Dudley Dog. Triple H put his foot on the ropes at the last second to break the count.

Spike found himself in a sleeper hold and he began to fade. The ref called for the bell, and Triple H took the win. But it didn't end there, as Triple H began a stomp fest on the unconscious Spike.

Bubba came out to protect his brother. Triple H didn't seem so brave anymore and backed out of the ring as Bubba stared him down.

Jeff Hardy, wearing about a quart of sky blue Dutch Boy paint, was being interviewed by Coach about the Fatal Four-Way Match.

Jeff caught sight of Eric Bischoff and confronted him about the beat down he'd received last week from the Island Boyz when Eric mistakenly thought that Jeff was headed to Smackdown. Hardy told him if he ever did anything like that again, Jeff would show him the real meaning of extreme.

(Commercial break)

Quarter Hour 6

Jericho wanted to team up with Big Show to increase their odds of winning. Show grumbled and Johnny the Bull opened his big mouth and said it sounded like a good idea. Big Show expressed his gratitude by choking Stamboli out.

Booker was being interviewed by Coach when Goldust came up behind him wearing Kane's mask. Kane walked up behind Goldust and pulled the mask off. Goldust shrunk backwards and comically asked," How 'bout them A's?"

Bradshaw walked up and asked who wanted to go check out the HLA action. Even Kane thought that was a good idea. "Only in America could this assortment of freaks" and asskickers enjoy lesbian wrestling, said Booker T. "Can you dig that, Sucka!"

(While the HLA theme had worn a very thin by this time, this segment was hard not to like. These four make quite a team.)

(Commercial break)

(6) Booker T & Goldust over William Regal & Test via disqualification. Booker and Test kicked it off with good back and forth action.

Goldust tagged in and Test's big punches ("thunderous," said J.R.) had air to spare.

Goldust was isolated in the opposing corner and took quite a double-teaming from Test and Regal. Goldust reversed a pump handle slam and he and Test ended up flat on the mat. Goldust crawled slowly to Booker and made the tag. A fresh Booker went after Test first, then had a scissors kick for Regal. Booker did a Spineroonie on his way to the finish. Test tried to interfere, but was kicked to the mat. Regal pulled out the knucks and was about to pin Booker when Kane and Bradshaw rushed out to make the save. "USA, USA," chanted the crowd as the Un-Americans made a hasty retreat.

Quarter Hour 7

(Commercial break)

(7) Hot Lesbian Action Match was a no contest. (Raw has officially become the Jerry Springer Show.) Bischoff introduced the ladies, then "directed" the match in all its lurid detail. (If ever there was a time to bring out the Island Boyz, this is it.) This trash was an embarrassment.

"Sex and violence always sells," said Eric. There had already been plenty of sex, but he thought the show had gone on long enough. Three minutes to be exact, and Jamal and Rosie delivered the three-minute special. EMT's had to remove the ladies from the ring as the show went to commercial.

(Commercial break)

Quarter Hour 8

Rob Van Dam ran into Ric Flair backstage. Flair complimented RVD on his cool match last week. "Just another day in the life of Mr. Monday Night," said Van Dam. Flair said he had no doubt RVD could be the next champ.

(8) Fatal Four Way Elimination Match: Rob Van Dam over Chris Jericho and Jeff Hardy and Big Show. This match was the only saving grace in a show laced with sex and violence and an hour and a half of Jerry Lawler's libido.

The match started off as a brawl. RVD took on Big Show and even teamed with Hardy (unsuccessfully). Big Show seemed to have heeded Johnny the Bull's advice and appeared to be teaming up with Jericho to improve their odds.

RVD actually got his foot chin-high on Show, then came off the top with a flying drop kick. Hardy showed his lack of team spirit, however, by tossing RVD to the outside and going for the pin on Show. Show flicked him off like a crumb. Then he flicked off RVD, who managed to land on the ref.

Jericho introduced a chair to the mix and clobbered everyone in the ring, including "partner" Big Show. Although it was Jericho wielding the chair, the ref disqualified Big Show. Hebner couldn't get Show to leave the ring until he'd destroyed everyone left in the match.

(Commercial break)

Quarter Hour 9

During the break, according to J.R., Jericho had dominated the other two opponents. With Big Show out of the way, the match picked up in intensity. Van Dam flew to the outside with an impressive somersault plancha on Jericho, then found himself drop kicked by Jeff Hardy. Jericho pinned Jeff Hardy, and the match was down to Jericho and RVD.

RVD took a vicious landing on his neck and Hebner stopped the match momentarily. Jericho put RVD in a submission hold, but RVD powered out. Meanwhile, Jericho pulled the padding off a turnbuckle. RVD nearly won it with a split-legged moonsault, but his Five Star Frog Splash missed his mark (who'd rolled out of the way). Jericho went for a quick pin, but RVD would not stay down for the three count. He even reversed the Walls of Jericho to an inside cradle. Back and forth it went until the two collided head on.

Triple H came out and stood on the stage to taunt Van Dam, which allowed Jericho to get a near pin. RVD sent Jericho face-first into the turnbuckle he'd exposed, and took the pin and the win to become the Number One Contender for the Heavyweight Championship of the World.

"RVD walked through hell to get his shot at the title," said an exited J.R. as the show ended.

The Wrap Up J.R. said in this week's Ross Report that they were endeavoring to find the right balance of "steak" and "sizzle" for Raw. Well, for someone who's published a cookbook or two, J.R. should realize the importance of ingredients when it comes to a recipe. And you can't get either "steak" or "sizzle" when what you're frying up is bologna.

Comments? You can reach me at mallory_m_@hotmail.com.

Mallory Mahling talks wrestling with Harv Roman and the "Club Kids on the Radio," Saturdays at 2:00 P.M. on WLUW, 88.7 FM, Chicago.

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