By: Derek Burgan, Torch Team Contributor

For Wade Keller's in-person perspective on the entire Smackdown tapings, check out 9/10 WWE Smackdown/Velocity tapings: Keller's detailed in-person report.

***

In a nutshell: The Billy and Chuck marriage! ”Just when I thought you couldn’t get any dumber, you go and do something like this…and totally redeem yourself!” - Dumb & Dumber

Trivia Time! I didn't have a particular subject concerning this week's edition of RAW is Sinking, as September is a notoriously weak month when it comes to PPVs and exciting matches. But, one gaze at how the WWE over-hyped HLA brought back painful memories of the over-hyped "Province of Quebec" rules match from September 13th, 1993. The Quebecers challenged then-tag champs the Steiner Brothers to a match stipulation that stated that titles could change hands as a result of a disqualification. While it was a given that there was a title change, name the man who made the challenge.

(A) Dog Faced Gremlin Rick Steiner
(B) Midjah
(C) Johnny Polo
(D) Frenchy Martin
(E) Dino Bravo

BUT FIRST! Well, we’ll talk more about HLA in HYPE this Saturday, but man, I’d have to think that Eric Bischoff must have felt better testifying during the strip club trial about his wife’s carpet cleaning business than being in the middle of that debacle. Those two girls brought back memories of Trish Stratus’ first night in the WWE where she looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Thank god the NFL saved the week with another showing of why it’s the premier sport in the world. And after that San Diego Chargers game you certainly have to talk about the possibility of an undefeated season…. Bring on Houston!

On to the show!

A graphic of the “commitment ceremony” invitation.

(1) Brock Lesnar beat Hardcore Holly. Finish came as the Next Big Thing nailed Hardcore with the F5.

Heat Index: I liked this matchup, but probably would have liked it more if Hardcore was given some sort of character that we could consistently follow. If the WWE was going to get any rub off all the mainstream press they got over the last couple days it was probably a good idea to put the WWE champ out first.

JOB Failure: At one point in the match, Lesnar lifted Holly up like he was going to give him a powerbomb, but then dropped Holly onto his head. It almost appeared as if it was a mistake. If you remember what it looked like when Steve Austin took that piledriver from Owen Hart, you’ll know what I mean when I say that’s what it reminded me of. The ref checked Holly and they went to the finish soon thereafter.

Kayfabe Factor: I really think the biggest damage coming from the Triple H as RAW champ (and this is just one of many), is that it already dilutes Brock. He really should have been given a couple months as the sole beltholder to establish some credibility. What is the deal when it comes to PPV’s? Are they going to switch the main events to highlight the WCW belt one month and WWE the next? Puh-lease.

The Undertaker is HERE! And he’s with Sara, except now she is a brunette and is pregnant. For those of you new viewers who don’t know who Sara is, she basically all but singlehandedly started the WCW InVasion off on the wrong foot by getting put over Diamond Dallas Page.

(2) Chavo & Eddie Guerrero beat Edge & John Cena. Finish came as Cena was hit by a brainbuster by Chavo followed up with a frog splash by Eddie.

Heat Index: Well, we’re 2 for 2 so far on Smackdown with Rey Rey versus Angle coming up. Looks like no matter what happens with Billy and Chuck it’s going to be a good show. I really thought Edge came across really well in this segment. His opening comes across great on TV, he managed to nail a fantastic looking spear (although to give credit, they all looked good here) and forced Eddie into a Chavo stinkface. The stinkface segment was pretty funny as Chavo pulled down his tights a little and rearranged his underwear so it was like a thong. And Chavo’s reaction to what he thought was Edge getting a stinkface was priceless. Not to mention there was a fan right in front of the hard cameras that would hold up a huge sign that read, “HOT TAG” any time there was about to be a hot tag in the match. I don’t know why, but I found that pretty funny.

JOB Failure: I was able to sneak in WWE Confidential this weekend and they did a super job in getting Cena over. He really comes across as a kid who would do anything to be in the WWE and actually bust his ass to do it. The majority of people only see Tough Enough and probably think that just about anyone can be a WWE Superstar® if they have a little luck. Just a great segment. Of course Cena is being completely botched as a character right now, but that’s neither here nor there.

Kayfabe Factor: A reader pointed out to me last week that Cena wears the colors of the local sports teams. I thought she was insane, but I did give in that he appeared to on a couple occasions. I attributed it more to coincidence as that type of detail is normally leagues above what the WWE staff is capable of right now. Lo and behold this week Cena was wearing the colors of the Minnesota Vikings. I’m going to have to keep a closer eye on this.

***Eddie is flipping out on Chavo backstage. Hilarious. Eddie used a water bottle to keep washing his face and telling Chavo if he “wasn’t blood, he’d kick his ass!” You know, it’s looking like we’re going to see an Eddie versus Chavo match soon. Oh Hell Yeah!

***Mark Lloyd then interviewed the Undertaker and brought up the obvious question, “why would you bring your pregnant wife here? This pretty much stumped The Red Devil, but he was saved by Matt Hardy, who came over to congratulate Sara on her upcoming baby. Matt said he can’t wait to have his own kid one day, “Matt version 2”. Classic. In one of those really weird segments, Taker, who’s supposed to be the good guy, was a complete asshole, while Matt, who is supposed to be the heel, came across as someone just trying to be nice. It ended with Taker piefacing Matt hard and shoving him into the door across the hallway.

***In a GREAT skit, Rico is shown talking on the phone to the “cake guy” and arguing he needs two grooms for the cake. He walked into Stephanie’s office almost hyperventilating. He asks Steph for her help but the Smackdown GM declines. Rico then goes on the verge of tears describing how everything is falling apart around him and the cake guy has a bride and a groom and he’s supposed to be in front of everybody for the ceremony all he needs is a witness and…Steph stops Rico and says she will bear witness to the commitment ceremony to make it legal. Rico was just off the charts in this promo and anyone who doesn’t think he’s going to be a huge star one day is clueless.

***WHERE THE HELL IS DAWN MARIE?!

***Kurt Angle came to the ring and told Chris Benoit that if he ever laughs at Your Olympic Hero again there is “going to be two holy unions tonight. Billy & Chuck, and your face & my fist!” Angle then went into a HILARIOUS bit in which he kept starting sentences by saying, “Rey, you’re a boy in a man’s world.” And would finish with things like, “And I’m a man who likes to play with boys.” After the crowd would laugh at each line Angle would flip out and say he meant something else. Tazz was great here as he told Angle to get off the mic to stop embarrassing himself.

(3) Kurt Angle beat Rey Mysterio. Finish came as Rey Rey was on the top rope, but Angle jumped to his feet, ran up and delivered a top rope Angle Slam!

Heat Index: What an unbelievable match. Picture this spot. Rey jumps at Angle, but Kurt catches him and flips Rey over his head. Rey then lands on the top turnbuckle and immediately moonsaults Angle. Un-F---ing-Real! Another great part came when Angle ducked an attempted enziguri by Rey (and how many times do you see that?) and quickly hit Mysterio with 2 straight German Suplexes. Words just can not describe how cool this match was. This is why I could never do Scott Keith’s job. To me this match was 5 stars. I can’t fathom all the logistics of workrate and telling a story and blah-blah-blah, but I know when a match is cool.

JOB Failure: I take back what I said about Angle’s new look resembling a grade B candy stripper, a reader pointed out it looks exactly like a popcorn box and I must agree. Why must the WWE’s best overall wrestler get the goofiest outfits?

Kayfabe Factor: Mike W: Tony, you have 30 seconds to talk about Rey Mysterio. Tony K: Let me tell you something Mike, this kid has the “it factor”. I can’t help but be amazed with every match he’s in. He’s innovative, he’s fast, I can’t keep my eyes off him. He has one of the best ring intro’s in wrestling history and has got “the look”. I bet if wrestling was more like this, legit sports writers like you and me might actually give a little attention to the WWE instead of treating it like it’s some sort of abortion. Mike W: Well, I wouldn’t go that far. Tony K: The only thing I don’t understand is why he’s not winning every match? This kid should be pushed to the moon! I’ll tell you Mike, if I were writing the WWE right now… Mike W: Time’s up Tony.

***A limo was shown arriving and the security guy told them to go through. They were “with the wedding party”. Oh my god. Road Dogg is in the hizzhouse!

(4) Chris Benoit beat Rikishi by DQ. Finish came after Benoit was about to give his flying headbutt off the top rope, but was pushed off by Kurt Angle. Ref called for the DQ. Angle ran in, was about to give Rikishi the Angle Slam, but the Samoan slipped out and kicked Kurt outside the ring. The ‘Kish then gave Benoit a Stinkface as Your Olympic Hero held the Rabid Wolverine’s arms. Kurt was yelling, “WHOOOOO!” as this was happening. Classic.

Heat Index: In an unbelievable visual, Rikishi was sitting on Chris Benoit’s shoulders before Benoit fell back and slammed him. As Tazz noted, it is surreal that a guy who just came back from a neck injury is putting that kind of weight on his neck and traps area. Flying Pegasus is the god of wrestling. It’s true. It’s damn true.

JOB Failure: Seriously, if you had a quarter for every time Cole or Tazz said “season premiere” of Smackdown during this show you’d be able to buy at least 100 shares of WWE stock (call me if you’re interested!!!) It went from absurd to obnoxious over the course of two hours. What I want to know is why wasn’t last week billed as a “season finale”? Probably because the WWE is stealing a bit from George Lucas and claiming they have a master plan when it’s obvious they are making shit up as they go along.

Kayfabe Factor: Now the Crash Holly jump means nothing because already in WEEK TWO he is not on the show. No Hurricane? What’s up dat?! Jamie Noble defend the cruiserweight title on the “exclusive home to cruiserweight action”® Puh-lease! Might as well stall Shannon Moore and Batista in their tracks while we’re at it. But we can’t go one god damn show without a Rikishi match. “I just don’t get it Vince, the ratings don’t go up no matter what we do?!”-WWE Creative

***The ring was shown being dressed up for the commitment ceremony. Rico came out and commented on the three singers and nitpicked everything in the ring. Basically picture the Steve Martin character from Father of the Bride getting all nervous and stuff before the big day.

***Chris Benoit was screaming at Stephanie (and trust me, this was like Shakespeare for Benoit, it was that good) about being given the Stinkface. The Rabid Wolverine was pissed at Angle and wanted a match at the PPV. Steph set it up. Matt Hardy came in and said since Steph was “handing out matches”, he wanted the Undertaker at the PPV. Steph went into bitch character and told Matt that the Red Devil was facing Brock at the PPV, but Hardy can have his match TONIGHT! Matt is just getting better and better every week. Everytime him or Steph would say something that made the crowd pop, Matt would stop and look up like they were cheering for him.

***Back to the ceremony! The three singers then began to sing “It’s Raining Men”. Absolutely hilarious. These three girls accomplished what Megadeath, Motley Crue and Fozzy couldn’t, sing a song on a WWE program and not force people to switch the channel. Unbelievable! Billy and Chuck came out with their cummerbunds made up like their headbands.

A really old Justice of the Peace began the ceremony and commented that Billy & Chuck wrote their own vows. Chuck did a real corn ball version that talked about how much he respected Billy. Chuck even went so far to say, “you’ve captured my heart.” Billy Gunn said, “Damn that was corny. But that’s what makes you so special!” Billy put on the ring. Rico then announced he produced a video for the occasion. On the Oval Tron a video piece named “Our Love Story” aired. This was a basically a series of all the spots Billy and Chuck have been in that make them look as gay as Ricky Martin.

The JP asked the crowd if anyone objected and out of nowhere the Godfather came out with the Ho-Train! The WWE actually ponied up some money for legit talent as some of these girls were so hot even Michael Cole pretended to be straight for a little while. The Godfather wanted to know what the hell was going on. He remembered when Billy and Chuck were chasing tail and banging every ringrat from New Hampshire to New Zealand. Rico flipped out and told Kama to get the hell out of there and take his Goodtime Girls with him.

The JP then asked Billy to say “I do”. Billy looked at Rico. The crowd was hilariously chanting “Just say no!” Rico gave Billy a look and Mr. Ass said “I do.” The JP then asked Chuck. Chuck then really laid the hard sell on asking Rico what was going on. Rico ordered him to agree. Chuck said “Yes” while Rico jumped for joy. When the JP was about to go further Billy yelled out, “Rico! This was supposed to be a publicity stunt! We’re not gay! Not that there’s anything wrong with that…..”

Rico was getting pissed. The stylist said he put all of this together and now Billy and Chuck were ruining it. The JP began to talk. He said he’s seen a lot of things. He said unions can last 60 years, 16 months, or 3 minutes….. At this point the crowd gasped. “Did I say three minutes?!” The JP then took off his mask to reveal ERIC BISCHOFF. Seriously, this was Mission Impossible: 2 good, in terms of makeup. Steph was absolutely shocked. We last saw this look on her face when she got the bill for her boob job. Billy and Chuck realized Rico was in on it and as Billy got in Rico’s face, The Stylist kicked Billy right in the nads (or hymen as my PWTorch colleague likes to say).

Rosie and Jamal then entered the ring and destroyed the set along with Billy & Chuck as Bischoff held Stephanie. They then slammed Stephanie and became my FAVORITE TAG TEAM OF ALL TIME. Eric and one of the Island Boyz held Steph on the mat as the other went to the top rope. If you saw the movie “Signs”, you’ll remember the scene in which Juaquin Phoenix was screaming at the TV for the kids to move so he could get a better look. Well, picture me screaming at my screen for the Island Boy to squash Steph. Unfortunately, Edge, John Cena and Rey Mysterio ran down to the ring and chased all three of the RAW guys out. The rest of the locker-room than came down as well.

Great, GREAT segment. From beginning to end. I trashed this idea to no end last week, and while I still absolutely HATE using people from RAW on Smackdown, this WAS the time. My only hope is that this doesn’t mean Rico is leaving the show, but I can’t see how he can’t. I guess this also means that Billy and Chuck are babyface which is probably a death wish for their gimmick.

From: Derek Burgan (derekburgan22@hotmail.com)
To: Vince McMahon (VKMcMahon@FearThePanda.com)
RE: Publicity Stunt

Vince, far be it from me to tell you how to deal with the media. After all, you certainly were the darling of both print and TV during the XFL period. I’m not sure though it’s a good idea that when you finally get shows like NBC’s Today, Howard Stern and countless local TV and radio spots to finally pick up on a story, you follow it with a swerve. I’m not saying the conclusion to the commitment ceremony was bad by any means, but once again you promised something you knew you weren’t going to deliver. Now marks like me and the 2.6 rating you would get if you had dead air on during RAW’s timeslot don’t really give a damn, but what about the people who actually watched Smackdown because of the publicity? It’s the equivalent of a store giving out a coupon for a great deal on a product, but when customers get to the store announce that the product they came in for was sold out, “but look at this great deal!” While wrestling fans tend to put up with it for longer periods of time, most people don’t like to feel cheated. FYI.

Sincerely,

A concerned fan/investor/idiot

(5) Torrie Wilson beat Nidia. I don’t even think I noticed how this ended because it came out of absolutely nowhere. I think Torrie just kind of uppercutted Nidia and got the pin. El Lame-o!.

Heat Index: Wow, Torrie looked friggin’ HOT. I’m usually more of a Nidia girl when it comes between these two, but in the hot pink shorts and top Torrie was wearing made me switch allegiance for a couple minutes. Call it “immature ejaculation”.

JOB Failure: Weird. A horrible shot of Nidia coming to the ring made her look like a smaller version of Nicole Bass. That’s NOT a compliment.

Kayfabe Factor: It’s almost incomprehensible to me that the same staff that finished up the Billy and Chuck storyline immediately followed up with this. If any reader can tell me the point or what was accomplished by this match, they will win a No-Prize. ®Marvel Comics

***Undertaker told Sara he had to go “put over” Matt Hardy by destroying him again and making him look like a complete pussy. Again.

***Matt Hardy went and got Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar! The three then walked towards the ring.

(6) Matt Hardy v1.0 beat The Undertaker went to a no finish. This Non-Finish came when the Oval-Tron showed Paul Heyman (who was ordered away from ringside by the ref) confronting Sara backstage. The camera followed Taker all the way back where he burst into the room, attacked Heyman, only to turn around to a solid steel chair shot to the head delivered by Lesnar.

Heat Index: It would well serve the WWE if Matt Hardy is allowed to hang with Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar. The three have a good dynamic and could produce some great stuff. If I’m having trouble coming up with some great things to talk about it should probably give you an idea how much I am looking forward to the upcoming Taker/Brock PPV match….

JOB Failure: Matt Hardy’s new music SUCKS. It doesn’t even have that little hook that might draw you into it down the line like RVD. It just sucks. Period.

Kayfabe Factor: To end the show, Lesnar walked up to Sara who was against the wall scared out of her mind. Brock put his hand on her stomach and said “life’s a bitch”. F---ing psycho! Brock then flinched like he was going to attack her, but in usual Sara/Taker mode, she no-sold it totally. As Brock and Heyman left, the show closed by her checking on Taker. Sara really should have screamed like she was going to die when Brock flinched.

***Overall Show: The WWE painted themselves into a MAJOR corner with the Billy & Chuck angle, but at least what they did was a lot more satisfying that I could have ever thought. Some great matches thrown in and Smackdown continues it’s streak of really good TV. Tazz finally convinced me tonight he is the best announcer the WWE has.

“ Tell me he didn’t just say that?!” (Quotes of the Night)

”He looks good for five.” - Tazz, who thought Cole was trying to tell him Chavo was 5 years old.

“I don’t think Edge is wearing a cup. Didn’t you check that out earlier, Cole?” - Tazz

”I wiped!” - Chavo, trying to calm Eddie down after his uncle’s face was shoved in his ass.

”No brides. Two grooms!” - Rico, to the “cake guy”.

”I have really bad luck at weddings of any kind.” - Stephanie McMahon, alluding to the Test and Triple H weddings.

”We’re here in Minny, and I have a match with Rey Mysterio! ” - Angle. Get it? Well, if you didn’t he explained it right afterwards.

”It figures. Most of you would benefit from wearing a mask yourselves!” - Angle, to the crowd after they popped for his mentioning of Rey Rey.

”Put the mic down.” - Tazz, in the line of the night, as he said this almost under his breath as Angle kept making references to Rey being a “boy”, Kurt being a “man” and following it with lines that sounded like they came out of a NAMBLA brochure.

”Who ordered pansies?! These are tulips!” - Rico, getting agitated that everything about the wedding set was all wrong.

”Those aren’t either.” - My girlfriend, to the above comment by Rico. Apparently she knows her flowers.

”They’re not booing, they’re chanting Rico.” - Tazz

”He’s still Mr. Ass in that household.” - Tazz, after Chuck brought up Billy’s former ring name.

”As a matter of fact, if I was gay, I probably wouldn’t marry Chuck.” -Billy. Does this mean Chuck is gay? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…..

”Billy and Chuck are wrestlers Cole, Steph isn’t.” - Tazz, as the Smackdown GM was getting attacked by the Island Boyz. Apparently Tazz forgot Steph’s run as the WWE Women’s champ and her pin of The Rock.

Answer to Trivia Time: C). Bet you forgot that this flamboyant young man was in the Quebecers corner for this historic match. His incorporating a hockey stick into the fray got the Steiners DQ'ed when Scott was "busted" with it in his hands, ready to strike. Eventually, this Johnny B. Badd/Bret Hart clone became one of the most entertaining and complex characters the wrestling scene has never witnessed before in Raven. Forget his watered-down tenures in the WWF and WCW. Unfortunately, now that he has lost a loser-leaves-town match on Raw, we shall see him on Sunday Night Heat, forevermore.

***HYPE vol 1, issue #5 This Saturday ONLY on PWTorch.com!

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express and the Saturday Exclusive HYPE every week for PWTorch.com. He is still marking out over Eric pulling off the mask. He can be reached at Dburgan@pwtorch.com and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.

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