By Derek Burgan, Torch Team Contributer

In a nutshell: Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit team together! And the worst "live satellite" feed in the history of television...

Trivia Time! Since the focus of the mainstream media has been on the Ambiguously Gay Duo
the past couple of weeks (including two "straight" weeks in U.S. News and World Report), this week's trivia is based on the former Smoking Gunn. Six years ago this week, Billy and Bart were going through troubled times as a tag team. So troubled, in fact, that they lost a tag match to a makeshift team comprised of Alex Porteau and which current WWE superstar

(A) Issac Yankem, D.D.S.
(B) Fake Diesel
(C) Bob “Spark Plugg” Holly
(D) Una-Bomb
(E) Kane

On to the show!

(1) Rey Mysterio & Torrie Wilson beat Jamie Noble & Nidia. Finish came as Rey Mysterio nailed Noble with a move Michael Cole called as, “What the hell was that?!” It was quite a move though as Noble caught Rey, and Myserio “rocked” himself flipping under Noble and ending up giving him a sweet looking sunset flip for the pin.

Heat Index: The Torrie and Nidia was about 10 times better than you would ever expect, especially after watching that absurd match the two had last week. Nidia in fact made a great looking save on a Mysterio pin of Noble. It was remarkable to me because not only did it look perfect, but I don’t recall too many women making ‘saves’ in these inter-gender matches. Of course Torrie came in for a save soon thereafter and it looked horrible. C’est la vie! By the way, just like last week Torrie looked absolutely smokin’! This week was a light blue bra and tights combo. You know what, if I were Billy Kidman going home to that, I wouldn’t care about my job either!

JOB Failure: It is scary how over Rey Mysterio is and mind boggling why the attention paid to him isn’t given to other WWE up and comers like Cena, Batista, Shelton Benjamin and the such. Regardless, Rey proves his worth every match once again stealing the show with unbelievable moves. Rey’s first tag in to this particular match had him sailing into the ring after jumping off the top rope. Simply fantastic.

Kayfabe Factor: The PWTorch RAW Meter starts the show at: 2 (the amount of mentions of RAW on Smackdown) Three cheers for Brand Extension!

***To bring down the crowd, a skit was then shown of D-Von telling Stephanie McMahon that he had a contract or something with Batista. Stephanie then said she wanted Batista on Smackdown and if D-Von doesn’t go get him, he’ll be fired. Much, MUCH lamer than I made it sound. Paul Heyman came in to SAVE the skit and told Steph he hired some off duty police officers to protect Brock. Stephanie then told Paul, Get This, “Butter Face” Sara had a false delivery this morning. Paul mocked being relieved as it meant Undertaker couldn’t be there. To show why Steph got an “A” in the overacting class at B.U. back in the day, the Smackdown GM emphasized to Heyman that Sara had a false pregnancy and now Taker is “desperately “ on his way to Smackdown. Heyman left the room to find Brock and the security guards outside the door. “What’d she say?” –Brock Heyman said Undertaker was on his way and told the guards to keep their eyes open.

***Steph walked to thing looking about 1/2 as hot as she normally looks which is a REAL bad sign for someone like me. The RAW Meter burst into flames during this promo by the way. Steph brought up what happened on RAW and then brought out Billy and Chuck. Now that the two aren’t gay, they dropped the coordinating red but kept the gay music. Hey, don’t ask me. Billy & Chuck then shot a promo filled with homosexual double entendres until Kurt Angle (?!) interrupted. Your Olympic Hero didn’t know when Smackdown turned into a bad episode of Three’s Company, but he vowed it ended now. Kurt had a great attack on last week’s publicity stunt saying he had his own publicity stunt back in 1996 (holding his medals). As in last week with Rey, Angle ended the promo doing a hilarious mixup making everything he said sound homosexual such as, “It doesn’t matter who my partner is because at the end of the match I’ll be the one on top of Billy or Chuck for the 1,2,3!” Angle challenged one of them to a singles match, but Stephanie made it a tag match. Kurt let them pick his partner and the bouncers from Manhole chose The Rabid Wolverine!

(2) Brock Lesnar beat John Cena to retain the WWE championship. Finish came right as Cena jumped onto Lesnar’s back with a crucifix, and the Next Big Thing “shrugged” Cena up into the F5! Super cool!

Heat Index: I don’t want to give too many props to the match because I honestly feel it’s the worst I’ve seen by both men. However there were still some really cool spots. The finish alone was just a visual treat as Brock has made the F5 almost as enjoyable for me as Rey Rey’s 619. The overall match though seemed like a step or two below the speed of most of Smackdown’s matches. I could understand that if it was Rikishi versus Mark Henry, but not two of the WWE’s future in the ring.

JOB Failure: You’d think it would be almost impossible to completely screw up the character of John Cena, at least you’d think it would be. I could understand Randy Orton because he was thrown to the wolves. Cena had a huge start and it all means Jack Shit right now. Cole and Tazz even sold him as basically a non-factor the whole match. Puh-lease!

Kayfabe Factor: I really enjoyed the “nervous” bit that Paul Heyman hard sold during this match. Constantly looking to the back, telling Brock to hurry up. Everything was consistent and well done. While I might disagree why a super human Monster like Brock should be that afraid of the Undertaker when showing no fear LAST WEEK is one thing, but if they are going to go through with it, at least it’s being done right.

***Promo for WWE Unforgiven. Wait a second…There’s a PAY PER VIEW this weekend?! Why wasn’t I told?!!

***WHERE THE HELL IS DAWN MARIE?!

(3) Eddie & Chavo Guerrero beat Edge & Rikishi. Finish came after Chavo hit Rikishi in the head with one of those “70,000 dollar cameras” taken off a cameraman. Looked like a solid shot that Rikishi sold like a ton of bricks.

Heat Index: Obviously Eddie looked like a million bucks in this match, but Edge stole the show at the end hitting Chavo with a vicious looking spear and then taking a 5 star chair shot to the head. It looked f---ing intense! Eddie then got right in Edge’s face as the blood poured down which was psycho!

JOB Failure: In a federation in which there is a complete dearth of tag teams, it is completely refreshing to see the Guerreros. The fact the two were matching ring attire is a great touch. Eddie is a superb solo act, but Chavo needs him to get over and if it also means a great tag team; well, then I’m all for it!

Kayfabe Factor: I really liked one of the signs in the front row: “Latino Cheat”

***The “Live” “Satellite” interview took place. Bischoff got in some good shots, including saying Billy and Chuck’s name in the old man voice he used as the Justice of the Peace during the commitment ceremony. Steph ended by saying even though she had never done it before, with a little taste of HLA, who knows? She might like it. Of course this got Eric all hot and bothered.

***In case I forgot to mention it, the above skit sucked.

Before the next match started, Matt Hardy v1.0 told the Hurricane that he saw something in him and that’s why they were having a match tonight. He reminded Shane Helms that it was Hardy himself who beat the Undertaker last week.

(4) Matt Hardy v1.0 beat The Hurricane. Finish came as Matt low blowed The Hurricane and quickly followed up with a Twist of Fate.

Heat Index: Great match by the two and if the Matt v1.0 character hasn’t grown on you by now, it never will. Fast paced and a lot of cool moves including the Shining Wizard and Eye of the Hurricane. Matt has totally transformed himself and in my mind is now the premier mid-level heel.

JOB Failure: How depressing it must be for Matt to be the one who busts his ass for years, finally develop a character that people can give a shit about and the only thing the crowd chants is, “We want Jeff”. You couldn’t have a better example of how much first impressions are worth. It also didn’t help the match for both Cole and Tazz to mention the Undertaker TWICE as much as the Hurricane and Hardy combined. Let’s say you are the WWE, and you are expecting a lot of new viewers because of your “publicity stunt” last week. Why would you put the Hurricane out there and have everyone who hasn’t been a fan for over 6 months (because that’s the last time Shane had any sort of a push) go “What is up with this guy?” The Hurricane is either a character you keep adding to or forget about completely, leaving him in this Dead Zone that he is currently in kills the character and the fan’s interest at the same time.

Kayfabe Factor: Mike W: Tony, you have 30 seconds to talk about The Hurricane. Tony K: You know what I read in the Torch a little while ago Mike? That the WWE is in the process of “eliminating” the character because, Get This, the agents don’t like it. Did you hear me Mike, because the agents don’t like it!! Mike W: I heard you. Tony K: Even though they’ve done everything they can to make the fans NOT care about the Hurricane, Shane Helms and his off-the-charts charisma still gets their attention! Apparently the WWE hasn’t seen that Spider-Man made 400 million..that’s MILLION dollars Mike and the hottest movies for next year are Daredevil and The Hulk. I’ll tell you Mike, if I were writing the WWE right now… Mike W: Time’s up Tony.

***Heyman begs Brock Lesnar to leave the building. But then Paul realized that it was all a trap, and that Taker was outside waiting for them. Heyman ended by telling the Next Big Thing to stay where he was and they could be there “all night”. Cool promo, but words can’t describe how lame the “off duty cops” looked. A combination of old, fat, ugly and possible retarded. Maybe I’m in the minority thinking all security guards should be threatening….

(5) Billy & Chuck beat Chris Benoit & Kurt Angle. Finish came when Chris Benoit was thrown by Billy into a sharp looking superkick by Chuck.

Heat Index: Benoit and Angle stole the entire show during this match. Whether it be each laughing at the other when they were getting their asses kicked, or the six straight German Suplexes given to Billy Gunn, these two epitomize what quality wrestling is all about.

JOB Failure: I swear to God if I ever write that Billy Gunn and Chuck Palumbo beat Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle I will retire from recapping wrestling shows of any kind. The good news though is that Kurt Angle finally has a cool singlet again! This one was white on the front and the back was the red and blue parts of the American flag which lead to lightning bolts. Cooler than I can feebly describe. Forget about what I said earlier, Billy and Chuck came to the ring with both the red matching trunks and the gay music.

Kayfabe Factor: After Benoit took that wicked looking Superkick for the pinfall loss, Angle jumped into the ring and applied the Ankle Lock to make Benoit tap. A couple refs came down to break it up. When Angle went to put it on again, Benoit quickly reversed it and put Angle in the Crippler Crossface! Awesome!

***The Undertaker IS IN THE BUILDING!! On his slow, intense walk he passes by Shannon Moore, Tajiri and Funaki to remind us all the potential that is wasted each and every week, only here on Smackdown!®

***Undertaker hits the ring and calls out the Next Big Thing. Brock’s music hit and Heyman walked in front of Lesnar the whole way to the ring trying to talk him out of it. As you would expect, the two big men got face to face and then started to go at it! I think that Brock might have sold way too much, but it was just for a short period of time, so be it. Matt Hardy v1.0 (!!) then ran down to distract Taker and get crushed (or should I say “put over”) while Brock and Paul took off. Taker followed them to the back and found the police in front of a handcuffed Lesnar. Heyman said he was under “protective custody”…for Undertaker’s sake! A cop then drove Brock and Paul off as Taker was steamed. The show ended with the cops arresting Albert for false impersonation of a wrestler and Rikishi for indecent exposure.

***Overall Show: Man, I don’t know how bad that Forceable Entry CD bombed, but they did the HARD SELL on it tonight about 10 times. Other than that though, I liked this weeks Smackdown even though I don’t feel it was as strong as some previous shows. Just seeing Matt Hardy get some semblance of a push is enough to almost bring a tear to my jaded eye. Chris Benoit versus Kurt Angle has the possibility of being even better than Angle/Mysterio at the last PPV, which is definitely saying something. The “live satellite” was pointless AND lame.

“ Tell me he didn’t just say that?!” (Quotes of the Night)

”That’s not a bronco buster. That’s a tomato buster!” - Tazz, as Torrie rode Nidia.

“That’s a cucumber buster!” - Tazz, as Mysterio rode Noble.

”You don’t screw with a McMahon!” - Steph’s warning to Bischoff.

”I knew Bischoff would fall for that phony women’s protest.” - Steph, I think we all should have realized it was phony when all ratings indicate women don’t watch the WWE at all. I’m sure that has nothing to do with your creative control though!

”We just want to set the record straight… so to speak.” - Billy Gunn.

”So what you are saying Bill, is that you go both ways? ” - Chuck, after Billy Gunn said he could either stay tagging with Chuck or return to his singles career as Rockabilly.

”I generated a piece of publicity myself back in 1996, and it wasn’t by kissing Carl Lewis!” -Kurt Angle, referring to last weeks commitment ceremony and his gold medal win back in the Olympics.

”I don’t have a problem with gays. In fact, gays LOVE me!” - Angle

”I’ll let Will & Grace down there pick my partner for me.” - Your Olympic Hero, allowing Billy & Chuck to pick his tag partner.

”That’s a hard one to swallow!” - Kurt Angle

Not again….put the mic down!” - Tazz, as Angle kept making a fool of himself.

”In, F5, and out. That simple.” - Paul Heyman, to Brock, on what the Next Big Things strategy should be for his match.

”Introducing the greatest tag team in WWE history!” - Steph, but mysteriously she wasn’t referring to the British Bulldogs, Demolition or the Hart Foundation.

Answer to Trivia Time: C). I always thought Alex Porteau was a good wrestler in Global; the same promotion that gave us the Patriot and a couple of guys named Booker T and Stevie Ray. And the WWF gave him a good gimmick as an amateur wrestler, pushing him as the next Bob Backlund. But, calling him "the Pug" killed any kind of positive potential this kid had to be a decent mid-carder. You read that right, “The Pug”. As much as I liked him, no way should he and race car driver Bob Holly have defeated the Gunns, although in the long run, this contributed to the break-up of the cowboys, thus leading to such legendary characters as Rockabilly, the One Billy Gunn and Bombastic Bart of the “New Midnight Express”.

***HYPE vol 1, issue #6 This Saturday ONLY on PWTorch.com!

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express and the Saturday Exclusive HYPE every week for PWTorch.com. He still thinks the San Diego Chargers are on their way to an undefeated season. He can be reached at Dburgan@pwtorch.com and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.

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