By Dusty Giebink, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Smackdown review
April 22, 2004
Taped 4/20/04
Aired on UPN
Report by Dusty Giebink, Lounge Janitor

Don’t forget to read my review of Hour One first. You can access that by hitting the back button on your screen and clicking the clearly labeled link for hour one. This is not necessary, of course, if you have already read that hour.

In a nutshell: The Dudleys get to put their money where their extreme mouths are.

***We start out this hour with Café De Rene~! He has a grand set up in the ring, complete with an accordion player. He demands a moment of silence for Fearless Leader Kurt Angle, but the fans do not comply with this. Dupree puts the bad mouth on Americans for awhile, calling them unrefined and basically devoid of any redeeming social value. Thus, the Café is designed to help the heathens learn about the finer things in life. He then brings out his first ever guest, Torrie Wilson, under the guise of talking to her about being the Diva Magazine cover girl.

Unrelated Thing: If you look closely, you can see Billy Kidman clinging to Torrie’s left leg as she walked to the ring.

In any event, Dupree pours Torrie out a glass of wine, and then just lays into her about laughing at the Big Show last week. She acts all creeped out about his line of questioning, and insists that she wasn’t laughing at Show. Dupree maintains that she must have been laughing at Show because of him losing his job last week. Dupree holds Torrie responsible for what happened to Angle last week. He calls her a naughty word, she slaps him, he pours wine all over her face and attempts to hit some wrestling move or another on her. Out comes John Cena to run Dupree off. This leads to the next match, but sadly no Thuganomics this week, which makes me very sad.

(4) Chavo Guerrero & Chavo Guerrero Sr. defeated John Cena. The finish came when Chavo, naturally, pinned Cena.

The Beginning: Was this match just thrown onto the show with no particular rhyme or reason, you may be asking? Well, my friends, no it was not. In fact, there is mucho backstory here, in the form of what happened last week, with Cena taking on Chavo. Chavo Sr. got involved in the match, even using his boot, but Cena eventually got the pinfall on Chavo. Seeking revenge, thus spawns this handicap match. We all know what happens in most handicap matches, so I was expecting more of the same here.

The Middle: Cena locked on an early side headlock and showed some extra Ruthless Aggression in the process. Chavo Sr. was great on the apron, making like the thought never even crossed his mind of illegally interfering in the match. Near the finish, Cena hit the F-U on Chavo Sr. and was ready to go for the pinfall. However, Chavo knocked him out of the ring. There, out came Dupree, who attacked Cena and tossed him into the ringpost. Back in the ring, Cena was rolled up by Chavo for the pinfall.

The End: After the match, they immediately replay the previous segment with Dupree interfering to enable the Chavos to get the victory. I am amazed, amazed I tell you, that the two guys finally beat the one guy in a handicap match on a professional wrestling show. It’s almost as if I’m the one doing the booking, but not the one getting paid. Ah well, I’m just happy that they finally seemed to be listening to me, even if only in a cosmic sense.

***Backstage, Heyman runs into Torrie. He says he too found Dupree’s actions reprehensible, and as such, he’s got a match for Dupree next week. Turns out, though, that Dupree’s opponent is going to be Torrie herself. Oh, swervy swervy now! Prediction: This is all a plot between Torrie and Dupree, and they are going to set up and then attack Cena somehow. I’m not sure where the Kidman Leg Attachment fits into all this.

***They air another one of those creepy Mordecai promo videos. It is, of course, Seven from OVW. His gimmick looks like it’s going to be great. Honestly, these videos remind me of the old Sean O’Haire introductory vignettes, which I also found ridiculously cool at the time. Here’s hoping Mordecai doesn’t suffer the same fate that O’Haire eventually did. But, I’m trying to think happy thoughts here! “The Day Of Judgment Draws Near,” the video threatens.

***Booker T is in the ring for an interview. He said he went from being a star on Raw (sure Booker) to a mega star on Smackdown (true that). He said he is the biggest thing going on Smackdown. He’s the best thing that ever hit Smackdown. In fact, he’s the most famous man on Smackdown. And someday, dream a little dream, very soon he will be the most famous man in America, and I know that I can dig that! Suddenly, however, the lights went out and the Undertaker’s dong hit. Spooky lighting and special effects played, and Booker freaked out and headed for higher ground through the crowd. Oh great, we’ll have to sit through that match eventually. Poor Booker.

***Time for the weakly Raw Rebound segment. Bane from OVW, now castrated as “Tyson Tomko,” made his Raw debut, assisting Christian and Trish. Bischoff makes a match for Benoit vs. Michaels for the Raw Title in two weeks. Eugene shot Regal in the crotch with one of those t-shirt guns. Kane hungers for a sacrifice, and takes out his aggression on Druggie McButterface, uh, I mean Lita, until Matt Hardy makes the save. Thus ends Hardy’s entire credibility. Sad. Benoit and Edge The Dork won the Tag Team Titles from Ric Flair and Batista. Lame stuff, clearly proving, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Raw is better than Smackdown~! Yeah, uh huh.

***They finally put one of those highlight segments from earlier in the show in the right place, a couple segments after it happens and not right freakin’ afterward, and they show Haas and Rico winning the tag team titles. Both tag team divisions are really sad right now. In any event, the one and only JOSH MATTHEWS~!~! makes his return to Smackdown, acting as the best looking, most metrosexual microphone stand in the business for Rico, Jackie and Haas. More “comedy” here, as Rico acts all attracted to Haas, and Haas gets sickened out by it all. Haas is great in acting disgusted, and at the end of the interview, looked as though he was going to throw up again.

(5) D-Von Dudley (w/Bubba Ray Dudley and Paul Heyman) pinned Eddie Guerrero in a non-title match. Finish came when D-Von got the victory with help from Bubba.

The Beginning: The deal before the match was that no one except the Dudleys themselves and Heyman knew which Dudley was going to be wrestling this match. So, Bubba Ray makes like it’s going to be him wrestling, and then D-Von snuck up from behind Eddie and laid him out to begin the match. I was thinking it might be cool if Heyman kept making rulings that he really meant for the other Dudley to compete in the match, and kept restarting it until eventually whichever one was in the ring at the time would finally pin Eddie.

The Middle: During the match, D-Von does a bunch of stuff in a rude and aggressive fashion, so as to prove to Heyman that he is, in fact, extreme. Bubba got involved when Eddie got knocked to the outside, hitting an extreme clothesline of much extremeness. Cole pointed out that while Heyman had been at ringside for the entire match, he had not opened his mouth once, which was funny and I think intentional from him. D-Von whipped Eddie into the ringpost and while this was happening, both men got counted out. Heyman grabbed the mic and immediately restarted the match, saying that he demands winners and losers in the matches when he is in control. They then cut to commercial.

Back from break, D-Von was in control of the match, but Eddie suplexed his way out of a sleeper. Eddie started waking up here and hit a huracanrana off the top rope onto D-Von for a two count. D-Von hit a nice swinging neckbreaker for a two count. I should point out here that they never really made clear what was at stake for D-Von, should he win this match. Is proving his worth to Heyman all he really wants to do? I would demand a title match if I won the match, but maybe that’s just me. Eddie went to the top rope for something, but D-Von caught him and hit a nice superplex, which got a two count. D-Von missed a diving headbutt, and Eddie hit his triple verticals. Complicated finish leads to D-Von pinning Eddie for the victory, with Bubba Ray holding Eddie’s legs down.

The End: You just knew that since it was a non-title match, D-Von was going to win it. However, sometimes they pull something on you, just because you don’t expect it, and have the champion win anyway. Hats off to them for doing the “right thing” and having Eddie lose this match. After the match, Layfield hit the ring and laid out Guerrero. He hit a powerbomb and then the Clothesline From Hell, and then dusted off his suit and posed for the world to see as the show faded to black.

Closing Thoughts: This week’s show was the best in a month. Clearly better than last week’s show, and probably better than the prior two weeks as well. If I gave last week’s show a 4.0 on the archaic 10 point scale, this would receive a 6.0. Not the best show I’ve ever seen by any means, but they are clearly making progress and seem to be headed in the right direction now. With Angle coming back next week, Heyman will no longer be the GM, but Angle likely will let him stick around as an on air manager (consultant, whatever), which is a good thing. The heel turn breathed new life into the Dudleys, who were beyond stale before. Good booking, including having the two guys beat the one in a handicap match, and the champion losing a non-title match, which only makes sense. Now, D-Von should get a title match, with Layfield interfering for the disqualification. Common sense booking to help lead up to the PPV. I’m cautiously optimistic about Smackdown’s future now, despite last week’s less than stellar effort. Still, though, no Thuganomics held this show back. Cena needs mic time every week in order to continue connecting with the crowd. I buy him more as a heel, so he needs mic time to “sell his character,” at least to me.

Answers to Trivia Time: Let's figure out whether you have the brains to just zip through this trivia column or if you need a little help. Here's the answers for this week's edition of Trivial!

1. Quite honestly, it could be any of the provided answers. But, the correct choice is b) Ricky Morton. Jukin' and jivin' meets rock n rollin'. I'm shocked WCW didn't think of that 13 years ago.

2. "Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na..." a) Bat-man! The Caped Crusader, Adam West himself, came onto a Championship Wrestling telecast plugging an autograph signing for a Memphis car show. Jerry Lawler, never one to shy away from possible publicity, said he'd get more requests for signatures than him. Batman won this contest hands down. But, can he execute a fistdrop?

3. I can dig it, brother! Hogan, the cornerstone of the World Wrestling Federation, said this. Though many said a lot was lost in the translation. He actually said "I'm Hulk Hogan, dammit! I made wrestling what it is today!" (Nash said he'll be back next week.)

4. Rob Van Dam is not on the Raw roster, and he's barely on the Smackdown radar, so it's not him. Ric Flair was busy with Sting, Chris Benoit had Kevin Sullivan to deal with, and who the hell was Chris Jericho at that time? Correct choice is d) Triple H. As Jean-Paul LeVesque, the blueblood honed his character into what would soon be "the Greenwich Snob". And Mero would follow him into the WWF and finish what they started.

5. You would think this would be easy. After all, b) Chris Benoit has been mentioned in damn-near every question, so you'd figure he'd be the right answer in at least one of them. Well, here's the winner. Fresh off a passing of the torch (not the newsletter, the boots) by Dynamite Kid, Chris Benoit went to become what he is today.

6. April 21st 1984, Rick Steamboat defeated Dirty Dick Slater for the NWA US title. He would hold this title for two months, so if you're reading this between now and June 24th, "the Dragon" would be the right answer. (He lost it to Wahoo McDaniel in June, then retired for like the seventh time.)

-If you got between 0-3 correct, you need some help. I hear Indiana University is looking for topless models to bust. That may be the job for you. Stay away from this game until you come more prepared.

-If you got 4 or 5 correct, you might have what it takes to produce double-talk and conflicting answers. Contact Torch Trivia or the Central Intelligence Agency for further details.

-6 correct!?! Don't lie, you missed at least once, be a man about it and fess up! But alas, 6 correct means you go into the next round and face off against Keith in the Power Hour.

Dusty Giebink’s Favorite Quotes of the Night

Tazz, on the significance of not having a General Manager on the show: We could be heading for an iceberg or something like that.

Michael Cole, proving he doesn’t even think about what he says: Booker T, with the proverbial chip on his shoulder lately.

Heyman, to the Dudleys: All you are now are Vince McMahon’s domesticated pets. And Dr. Frankenstein over here is sick of the fact that his monsters have been tamed.

Cole: I don’t think Haas’ mystery partner is going to be Shelton Benjamin. He’s over on Raw now.
Tazz: Well, that’s why your nickname is “Genius.”

Cole: When you’re with Rico, every day is a gayla!
Tazz: Well, you would know.

Cole: If you were in the ring with Rico, what would you do?
Tazz: I’d tap out.

Cole, to Tazz, about Haas being at Seton Hall: I just said that.
Tazz: Eh, I’ve been hit in the head with chairs too many times.
Cole: You should listen to your partner more.
Tazz: I don’t have one.

Layfield, to Heyman: I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, and you’re right. I am a wonderful person.

Heyman: You know the thing about the Dudleys. They all look alike.

Layfield, to Heyman: You, sir, are a genius.
Heyman: Takes one to know one.

Tazz, about El Gran Luchadore: Who is this guy?
Cole, with extra emphasis: What do you mean who is this?! It’s El Gran Luchadore!

Tazz, regarding Luchadore: He even speaks Mexican!

Dupree, to his accordion player: You are very good at what you do. Thank you. No seriously, you can stop.

Tazz, echoing my sentiments exactly: This is what I love about Smackdown: hot women, poodles and accordion players.

Tazz: That’s gotta be expensive wine. It’s gotta be!

Dupree: Torrie Wilson, you make me sick to my stomach. You represent everything that is wrong with North American women. You are selfish, and you can’t do anything for yourself. . . I think it’s safe to say, Fifi isn’t the only b- - - - in this ring.

Tazz: I’ll tell you what, Cole. Why don’t you take that cheap jacket off and go in there and fight Chavo Sr.?

Rico, to Haas: You know, Charles, I think this is going to be one fabulous relationship.

Cole, having his weekly bird: So this atrocity is going to continue?! For all intents and purposes, this is a handicap match. . . This is an atrocity!

Express v3.0 Associate Producer credits for this week include the indispensable “Supreme” Seth Berger, Celian Varini, Ush, Richie Hyland, Paul Madavi, Brett Penley, Rusty Brooks’ #1 Fan, and pretty much everyone that has ever helped me, at any point in my life. It is greatly appreciated. I encourage you to read anything on the Torch website written by Mike Roe, Sean Radican, J.R. Maes, Jon Koeller, and especially Michael KopStick.

***Dusty Giebink now does the Smackdown Express reviews each and every week for PWTorch.com. He does his for all the readers who would rather watch coherent things and then read the recap later. Bastards! He can be contacted at dustygiebink@yahoo.com if you have something to say.

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