By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Have you ever felt like there was more
Like someone else was keeping score
And what could make you whole
Was simply out of reach"
-"Falling" by The Offspring

Opening video package informs us that these men will take every last chance. What it should have said was that WWE would take every last chance for ratings. Tommy Dreamer as your new ECW champ. Batista as your new Raw Champ. And C.M. Punk as your new Smackdown Champ. All three of these things could have a very short, emotionally unrewarding future.

Fatal four-way was fatally clunky. It picked up with the Kofi show, but was still pretty fugly. Three really bad spots here (MVP-Kofi botched spot, tower of doom disaster, Regal I-don't-know-what-the-hell-I'm-doing suplex). Regal's wrestling was at its ugliest here.

So ... yay for Kofi. Meanwhile MVP and Matt Hardy's stock are dropping. Regal must have been cursed with some New Orleans voodoo.

Show: "I've demonstrated that it's physically impossible for Cena to apply the STF on me." End. This. Feud. Now.

Gee, Show. You've recently lost three matches to Mr. Cena himself. What's next? You're going to finally beat him in an arm-wrestling match? Let it go. Nobody can beat Cena. It's impossible.

About the Cena vs. Show match...Can I please get Miz in this match? Pleazzzee?

Jim Ross recaps the great "Mysterio fan ambush" done by Chris Jericho.

Apparently no one in the WWE universe has tried googling Rey Mysterio for pics without his mask.

Jericho: "Oooh. Look at all of this shoddy merchandize. He relishes in lying to his fans. He doesn't bother to be honest with his fans, who spend all of their hard-earned money to encourage his deception." Is he talking about Vince McMahon? No, he's talking about Rey Rey. Okay. The mask angle is making sense now.



Sign: WWE need RVD. Let it go, RVD fans. He's not walking through that door.

Here comes that money-grubbing, lying, cheating, hypocritical Rey Mysterio. Only cowards hide behind masks. Shane McKinley is actually a false moniker. My real name is Michael Hickenbottom. It's true.

Jim Ross gives us some Lucha Libre mask history. And hey, look who's sitting in the front row! It's Jack Black! Who starred in "Nacho Libre!" Actually, no. WWE couldn't get Jack Black if they gave him free tickets. Which is what they always do with stars and football players.

Jericho and Mysterio do the same "back flip/kick steel steps" spot from Edge-Mysterio's match.

Whoa. Nice dive by Mysterio. Vince: "Right into your living rooms, ladies and gentlemen."

Match picks up with Mysterio spots. Decent Jericho backbreaker.

Jumping code breaker. Fugly. Points for being creative, but it probably the ugliest wrestling move in WWE.

Mysterio dropkicks a steel chair into Jericho's face. That hypocrite Mysterio does a steel chair leg drop. Nice spot with Walls of Jericho/chair shot.

Jericho has Mysterio's mask and the IC Title. Damn, Rey.

When Jericho was holding Mysterio's mask, I was having flashbacks to the horrible Kane/Mysterio angle. Ugh.

Jericho has broken his own record: ninth time IC champ. I like how a typical Jericho storyline builds, instead of coming off as a shoddy pretender (Batista vs. Orton).

Macho Man DVD: "The tower of power is too funky to be a monkey. The spotlight should go on top of me. You're talking macho madness. Experience the insanity. Experience the ski goggles and zebra pants."

When Batista originally came out, at first I assumed that the "Batista" name was after Fulgencio Batista, a Cuban labor union leader, general and president. He was extremely unpopular with the general public. I'm assuming that Fulgencio Batista wasn't nearly as injury-prone as Dave.

I'm sure that Matt Striker can tell you more about it but I'm starting to wonder if he was really qualified to be a high school teacher in the first place.

Hey, Dave, we're going to recap your grandpa getting punted in the skull.

Still sad that Flair was brought back to pump up this hammy feud.

Kane and Mark Henry once ripped off a steel door. Batista can't. Batista is a wussy. Isn't most of Batista feuds built on Batista being pushed too far and becoming extremely violent?

Samoan Strap match. Oh boy. "Joined at the wrist" matches. Oh boy.

To win the match, touch all four corners. It's as extreme as duck-duck-goose.

There's actually a little on-screen graphic. C.M. Punk is the green dot, Umaga is the red dot. The battle of the dots.

There's a reason why they don't do scaffold matches anymore. Because they were horrible. This match should have stayed buried. But WWE brought it up because it perfectly captures what WWE entertainment is all about. Cheesy, hokey, and designed for tykes. This and the Cena-Show submission match.

Yeah. This is not working. What sort of consequences are there by getting whipped by a leather belt? Bad job for making it clear to fans.

Who the hell thought up this concept? Who okayed this crap? This is the anti-thesis of extreme. This is like watching the 13th inning of a baseball game that won't end. Please touch all bases so we can move on with our lives.

Problem with match was not with the competitors. They were good enough in this match. The problem was with the match concept itself. I never want to see it again.

ROH/TNA Punk vs. WWE Punk. Fire off in the discussion posts.

Gregory Helms is in the back with Christian. Can he resist saying "Whazzup with dat?" Yes he can.

It's Dreamer's last match. Christian is a smug dude. "I'm going to miss him. Not. When he takes his shirt off, he looks like a melting candle."

Is Jack Swagger rocking stubble? Cool beans. He wants to say his piece to Christian and Dreamer but they walk away. "Don't walk away from The Swag, man! You jerks!"

ECW championship match. Will Dreamer bust out the barbwire? Is there going to be a "Thank you sir, may I have another" Dreamer moment? For old times's sake? Nah.

Swagger is looking to steal Big Poppa Pump's "pushup" taunt.

Nice bit here with The Swag being a whipping boy to Christian and Dreamer.

Striker: "The Singapore Stick." Last ECW TV, he called a Texas Cloverleaf the Sharpshooter. C'mon, Matty. You're supposed to be the Professor. What's in your notebook? Doodles?

This is more goofy than hardcore. But after the carnage of Jeff-Edge, this was the right move. Announcers were bad in this one.

Cookie pan sheet? VCR? Tables? I'm starting to hate trashcans as weapons.

Tower of doom spot. "Oh My God" chant.

Nice. Dreamer becomes ECW champ. Nice move by WWE. Striker was trying to do his best Joey Styles "All is right in the world." I miss Joey. Not Joey Styles. Joey Lawrence. Sigh.

Now they need a Tommy Dreamer DVD pronto. I would be a scumbag like that. "The Innovator of Silence Tommy Dreamer now has a new DVD! Coming out Tuesday! Buy! Buy! Buy!"

People will tune into ECW to see Dreamer with the belt. He can either relinquish the title or keep on going with this WWE yearly "a legend is gonna retire so feel sad for him" thing they do.

Nice visual with Tommy celebrating with fans. That will make the PPV tease highlight reel. Unscripted moment in Dreamer celebrating in the crowd? Security guards weren't prepared.

Vickie is punching Chavo's hands. Chavo is wearing a pig's nose.

That's the thing about wrestlers. I'm guessing that as time goes on, they get more open to anything. Wear a pig's nose? Sure. Be in a hammy feud with John Cena? Why not? When I went to an independent show and a wrestler was dressed up like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, at first I thought, "how embarrassing." But as time went on, I learned that wrestlers start to lose all sense of shame.

Chavo continues to make pig noises. Hmmm. Vickie punches Chavo in the nose. That wasn't very nice.

They cut back to Cole, who goes "WAHHHH HA HA HA HA…Well, back to more important matters."

Probably the scariest picture of Santina out there is that match-up vs. Vickie graphic on the screen.

Why the hell are you dragging this out, Cole? Next you know they'll play a video package.

Please no swine flu jokes. Lawler is in the mud. "Next match is gonna stink. Literally."

There's a reason why the "Kennel in a Cell" match wasn't on the Hell in the Cell DVD. Or why people have blocked out the moment the late British Bulldog taking a Rock Bottom onto a pile of doggy doo on Smackdown.

Truth be told, the hog pen match wasn't an all out disaster like the Santino-Khali kiss cam. Probably not the right time for a hog pen match with all of the swine flu fears going on. But that's WWE for you. Use anything that topical.

Lawler makes a "doo doo" quip. Man, I know it sounds sexist, but what I wouldn't give for a divas mud wrestling match right about now.

Santina sounds a bit like Michael Jackson.

You haven't lived till you have heard Michael Cole screaming, "Slop! Slop! Slop! Slop!"

Match ends.

Pig #1: Glad that's over.

Pig #2: I thought it was kinda funny.

Pig #3: At least it didn't take forever.

Pig #4: Hey, guys, do you know what's going to happen after this?

Pig #5: Well, a guy in a tacky yellow suit, gray hair, and a funny walk is going to take us to a special warehouse.

Pig #6: Yeah, something about "bacon" or something.

Pig #7: Bacon! Mmmm!

Oh, I'm sorry. It is wrong to make a quip about how those sweet little piggies are going to be turned into bacon. I should have made a quip about how they will be blowtorched to see how they respond to third-degree burns without the use of pain-killers. Biomedical ethics sure is funny.

Batista vs. Orton barely beat out that Hog Pen match in terms of people looking forward to it. And guess what? It's next.

First we have a breather with the Orton-Batista video package. Time to get serious.

Of course, this is a mute point when a mud covered Vickie and Chavo are shown next walking backstage. Will some hijinks happen? Why, yes! Here's Goldust and Horny!

Goldust: "You smell like shi…take, shittake mushrooms!" Begrudgingly points for somebody on WWE programming saying the 's' word. Damn. Never get zapped kids. You'll get stuck like Goldy.

Edge and Vickie are going to get a divorce. So sad. Big Show will need some love after he loses to Cena.

That cage looks kinda whimpy. Take a tip from TNA: put some Christmas lights on it.

Lawler talks about how Orton is the most "despised." Even in kayfabe WWE Universe logic, that's false. It's Vickie who is the most despised and hated.

Wouldn't it be something if this matched ended in the first minute?

Actually the match ends in seven minutes.

Was there even a story? Batista dominates and quickly wins. Tune into tomorrow's Raw, where Batista will get punted in the head again. And probably somebody will come back to distract you from the truth that the character of Orton is being botched royally.

If it's the match of Cena's life, shouldn't he, you know, wear regular wrestling gear? Instead of designer jean shorts?

See that sign in the front row? It says, "Miz is Awesome." But Miz won't show up.

Nope, here comes the doctor of submissionnomics in his designer jean shorts. Uh-huh.

"12 Rounds 2: The Sequel." The one where Show and Cena pander to kids and make the adults sorry they paid for the PPV.

Truth be told this was better than a typical '80s Hogan vs. monster match. But I'm struggling to see what excitement there is here. Hogan vs. Zeus was pure face-melting kick your ass to the moon awesomeness.

Cena gets the "The Princess Bride Andre the Giant's submission move." Okay? Typically getting to the ropes requires a five count ... but tonight is extreme! Or more like we couldn't think up of a finish, so this match gets special treatment!

This is basically the same cheap concept as the "Samoan strap match." Same "WWE'ed up" entertainment.

Big Show looking good here. Big Show can actually move and land moves.

Trees outside. My dogs. The wallpaper. Dr. Pepper is the best. I'm got some stubble on my face. Man, I'm hungry. That was running through my mind as Cena did his best war face and Show laid in his shtinky submission holds.

It's all too bad that this Show offense means diddly squat. Cena will land his sequence and Cena will win. I'm now experiencing what many fans felt during many of a Hogan match ... but Hogan had so much charisma. Maybe it was the size. Or the mustache.

Maybe WWE should introduce the point of Cena "hulking up" from his legion of fans. Something. Because the whole point of wrestling is to convince me to believe. Cena takes a beating, then out of nowhere picks up the win. This is played over and over.

Show smothers Cena. I'm gonna hug you till you submit! The snuggler!

Lemme guess, Cena. You're going to do your cheesy Five Knuckle Shuffle. Even though you are in the fight of your life. Just for one damn match you don't do it? Just once?

Great, great Cena selling of the knockout punch. 20 seconds later Cena is back on his feet. "It's instinct." Sure.

Cena with his tongue hanging out like he was Michael Jordan lands his crappy submission move that makes me want to punch myself in the head ala Mick Foley.

Show taps. Great. Show's a big loser and SuperCena is even yet more super. It's not a "Cena" hater thing. It's a "this is kiddie garbage that strives for the lowest common denominator" thing. They went below my expectations. Just junk.

Next you know Show will run over Cena with a car, just like JBL did...um...

WWE didn't even bother to attempt to make the older fans happy. Just a pandering false fairytale that is maddening.

Up next is the human destruction derby.

Ow. Ladder nut shot on Jeff. OW. Gutbuster suplex on the ladder rings. Painful.

I got that feeling in my stomach. That horrible feeling in your gut when you watch a Jeff Hardy ladder match. On one hand's it's incredible action, on the other hand you feel sort of sleazy for watching two guys basically injure themselves.

Jeff Hardy wins! Great finish!

Wait... C.M. Punk?

Oh, you douche. You're cashing in the briefcase now?

C.M. Punk wins the gold. Oh, you douche.

Wait ... was Jim Ross trying to save Punk? No matter what, fans are going to boo Punk. Man, this thing could blow up in their faces if they try to keep Punk face. No matter how they try to spin it, this was a chump move by Punk.

Nowhere here did you hear the announcers talking about how much of a chump move it was cashing in the briefcase just after Jeff went through a grueling ladder match. I can handle the "Trips is a hero for cheating to win at his WM match," but it's going to be neigh impossible to keep Punk from anything from going heel.

Of course, I would love a Jeff Hardy vs. Punk feud, but I've got a feeling that Edge and Jeff Hardy wrestled this match in this fashion because they're looking to take some time off.

It will be fine if Punk does turn heel. But if WWE is gutless and remains adamant of keeping Punk face, then it will be seen as a chump move.

This would be one of the stupidest angles of all time: in the August 2008 edition of marky WWE magazine, Jeff Hardy was the special guest editor. So he made quips on the pages. On the page where it shows C.M. Punk holding his briefcase, Jeff Hardy wrote "Briefcase by Hot Topic!" C.M. Punk took offense to this. Punk hated Hot Topic, hated to be associated for it. So for nearly a year he waited his chance to pay Jeff back.

Yep, pretty stupid.

But then again, Randy Orton waited five years to pay back Triple H. Kevin Nash waited a full year pretending to be Joe's mentor when he really wanted to stab him in the back.

And, oh yeah, C.M. Punk was the one who tried to kill Jeff all those times. Plus he caused the stage to fall down on Vince. Blew up the Vince limo blah blah blah. It was him all along!

The fatal four-way match certainly didn't do any favors for MVP and Matt Hardy's stock. Kofi win does nothing for me. The only meaningful Kofi storyline that I can remember in recent memory is his feud with Shelton Benjamin and that was a long time ago. WWE has pushed Kofi in an "on/off" fashion, so we'll see where it goes. I would be scared to go in the ring as a wrestler if William Regal was my opponent.

Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio was well played, and much like with the Jericho-Michaels feud of last year, this Jericho-Mysterio storyline feels to be a separate entity of the WWE product. The other similarity is that the Jericho-Mysterio feud is also building itself up logically over the course of months using great promo work, unique bits (Mysterio fan ambush), and a real sense of caring about why the guys are fighting each other in the first place.

C.M. Punk vs. Umaga...Kudos to the guys for not totally dogging it. But during this match, I had flashbacks to the WM24 match between Batista and Umaga where the crowd turned on the match. The fans like to cheer for Umaga, so he's not a total stick in the mud like one Vladimir Kozlov. But I never want to see this match concept again.

There are many people who are happy for Tommy Dreamer winning the ECW championship. But then again, it was no disservice to Christian or The Swag to lose the match. Many people are interested in the Dreamer retirement storyline, and that is what ECW is going with. Match was fine for what it was, but if fans are expecting the good ol' days of blood and beds of barbwire, they will be disappointed.

The good points about the Hog pen match was that it actually had a point (it wasn't going for "Jim Ross is my secret lover" thing the Santina-Khali kiss cam bit had). The bad point is that the humor itself is lame. What? Santina saying that he's a lesbian exhaust all of your creative energy? I understand.

On the Raw side, the short Batista win screams "ratings grab/Batista time off for injury rehab." At this point, I'm ready for anything on Raw, as I am tired of Randy Orton (and I never thought I would write this in this year) as heel WWE champion.

If the Santina-Vickie bit was to produce laughter, the Show-Cena bit was meant to produce depression. Nothing here for older fans. Just the same old song and dance. And if the character of Show had half a brain in his head he would admit defeat. And end this feud.

It could be pointed out that the rest of the PPV was rated PG at best for the hellish, chaotic action that was Jeff vs. Edge. To me the "this is the PPV we go extreme" was meant for suckers who don't know what WWE is all about. In looking at the PPV, except for the Jeff vs. Edge match, the PPV was the exact opposite of extreme (Samoan Strap Match and Cena-Show are two prime examples).

Was I glad that I bought the PPV? It's hard to say. Mostly, I just feel used. I'm not sure if WWE really gives a damn about Tommy Dreamer, so they put the belt on him because ECW ratings are sagging. Both Raw and Smackdown's championship pictures are up in the air. Was tonight's acts a sign of quality or was it a sign of desperation?

EXTREME RULES' VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

(credit to x-entertainment.com, images1.fanpop.com, i3.iofferphoto.com, and images1.fanpop.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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