By Shane McKinley, PWTorch specialist

“Hey, make-believe ain't real
I don't doubt the way I feel
You walk real pretty and you talk real sweet
Well babe I was born in the driving seat”
-“Outside Looking In” by Bruce Springsteen

Things just got a whole lot awesome on Raw. There's a lot to dive into, so put on your waders and let’s jump right into it.

On this cold morning I hopped in my old car and started it up, but that ol' engine wouldn’t turn. I yelled at the blasted thing “Turn! Turn you sumabitch! Turn!” I mention this “100 percent-true, would-I-ever-lie-to-you” story because I was hoping for a Cena to turn heel. I was. But I’m convinced now that Cena probably won’t ever turn heel. You have to admit, a lot of people were jonesing hard for Cena to turn heel at Survivor Series.

But, John Cena’s babyface character is just working just fine. His purple t-shirts sell millions. He inspires billions of kids who look up to him. John Cena is a great ambassador for WWE. From his charity work for the Make-A-Wish foundation and others, John Cena is a real life superhero. But still...

Turn! Turn sumabitch! Turn!

Are you wondering why I didn’t start off this article talking about Miz becoming WWE champion? It’s because the John Cena “fired” storyline has more people talking. Don’t believe me? Head on over to the official WWE YouTube channel. The first thing to hit you in your face will be “John Cena’s Farewell Address” and not Mr. Real World cashing in his plastic briefcase.

Other big news on Raw is that C.M. Punk has joined commentary. Someone in WWE woke up and realized, “Hey, we got two old fogies announcing,” so they brought in the youthful Punk. There’s a difference in attire too. Lawler’s sporting those “I’m not too old for these” Affliction t-shirts, Cole’s dressed in a Macy’s special, and Punk looks like he just returned from holding up a Denny’s.

WWE also brought back the King of the Ring. And at just the opportune time at the end of November. Sure, King of the Ring was typically held around June. Why? Seems that WWE wants somebody to get the big, fat WWE stamp of approval. Plus, the dude gets to wear a silly crown and deludes himself in thinking he’s royalty. King of the Ring has brought some classic moments. The birth of Austin 3:16. Rock’s hilarious “Billy Gunn’s prayer” promo. And who could forget 2008’s William Regal vs. Hornswoggle KOTR match. Wait, what?




There are a lot of guys who could win King of the Ring (Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, Alberto Del Rio) but I’m hoping its King Sheamus. Sheamus is no Wade Barrett on the mic, but Sheamus comes off very impressively. You get the sense that Sheamus will be a player in WWE for a long time. He should become King also because Ireland’s flat broke, and Sheamus could pawn that crown for some dough for his countrymen.

Sure, King Sheamus leads right into a potential Trips-Sheamus feud, but it’s not always about the game and how you play it. Well, it shouldn’t be. We’ve been going through Triple H mania for a decade.

Taker of animal life, Shawn Michaels, recently said he doesn’t follow wrestling anymore. What? Wrestling told me that everybody from Hulk Hogan to The Goon catches Monday Night Raw! They’ll tell their kids to shut up because a Ted DiBiase match is taking place! You’re a liar, wrestling!

Remember what I wrote about being King of the Ring? Ted DiBiase ain’t looking so hot nowadays after Ted couldn't move into the quarter-finals after a rather quick loss to Daniel Bryan. The Bella Twins got more attention than Teddy. Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase are always going to be compared to one another. Dusty Rhodes’s somewhat less weirder son has a unique shtick and one of my favorite moves, a flying karate kick. Ted...Ted doesn’t really have anything.

Ex-WWE employee Luke Gallows enjoys TNA. How much will he enjoy TNA when he finds out that he’s written in as Abyss’s long lost son?

Randy Orton continues to do his raspy Marlboro Man voice in promos. You can do an Orton promo too: just exhale a lot and after you’re done talking with Josh Matthews, turn your head, and glare into space in your best “Blue Magnum” face. I don’t think Orton has ever said goodbye to poor Josh.

Cena: “Mom’s going to get the best birthday present she had in ten years: a ‘Knucklehead’ DVD!”

Cena’s off to take his Christmas vacation. Don’t be surprised if you see John Cena being Santa Claus at your local mall. “Ho ho ho, no, Calvin, you don’t really want a Star Wars toy. What you want is the 'John Cena Experience' DVD. In fact, here’s a coupon for you. Go give it to your mom! Oh ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!”




There was a nice bit with Miz calling off his match against Big Zeke. Miz having fake conditions is a nice way to get A-Ri some airtime. Just think of those fake conditions names those new batch of writers (they fired Big Dick Johnson!) could come up with, like Adrenal Fatigue or Suckatwrestlingo. Action Jackson squashes A-Rod. It’s all over but the screaming. And the post-match drinking.

Unfortunately, DUIs are somewhat commonplace with wrestlers. From Santino to Kurt Angle, they’ve been under the influence. But if you’re like me, you look at Alex Riley and you expect him to be carry a bottle of Bud Light to ringside. It fits with Alex’s persona of a frat boy jock. Check out this related story on huffingtonpost.com.

WWE still has "Knucklehead" adverts? Give it a rest already. It’s the worst stocking stuffer of all time.

Daniel Bryan is such a lonely nerd. He goes into airports to get patted down by TSA employees just for human contact.

Apparently, NXT Season 3 is going to end soon. I forgot when it started. Other than Michael Cole banging a gong and Goldust’s wedding, I can’t remember a thing about the show. Showcasing ladies with only two months of training (and maybe not even that) was a bad idea. Most wrestling shows are booked like, “Okay, we’re going to get this feud over” or “We need to push this guy.” NXT is unique because the entire show is booked just to get to kill time. “How much time can everyone’s introductions take? Can we re-introduce everybody? How about a third time?”

I like C.M. Punk as an announcer. I remember what the announcers said during Raw. Punk riffing on rating the girls, even though he was mean-spirited at times, Punk focusing on the action, etc. - I’m giving it a thumbs up. Nobody expects Punk to permanently become an announcer, so let’s enjoy it before we’re back to the same ol', same ol’.

After all, Vince is convinced that viewers will die from shock if they see Jim Ross behind the table.

Already, we’re guessing the amount of time Miz holds the belt. Is it going to be a Jack Swagger type of deal? I hope not. Why is Miz champion and John Morrison not, even though JoMo is clearly the better wrestler? Personality. Some are saying this is worse than David Arquette’s title reign. Whoa, pump your brakes. Miz winning the gold can’t be all that bad. Well, this girl doesn’t think so:




I felt the show was wrapped up with Punk’s comment: “Is it always like this? I’m coming back next week. This show is awesome.” It was evident WWE gave Raw a fresh-coat of paint. If last week’s raw was Old School, this week’s Raw was definitely looking towards the future: “Look at us! Cena is gone! Miz is champion! Look at our young stars in this King of the Ring tournament! Look, we have C.M. Punk on commentary!”

To be Negative Nancy on all of this, Cena's return could be rushed, Miz’s title reign could garner a lot of negative feedback, and the King of the Ring tournament might just be another farce. There’s nothing wrong with C.M. Punk’s commentary because Punk is King Kickass.

It’s hard not to feel that Miz becoming WWE champion is just some hot-shot deal and Miz won’t be champion past Christmas. Miz headlining WrestleMania? That’s a big stretch right now. For a WrestleMania main event, I want to see a great match, and, although Miz has been stepping it up with his recent matches with Orton and Cena, it’s hard to fully grasp Miz headlining PPVs. (The TLC PPV looks to feature Orton vs. Miz.) I’ll say Miz keeps the belt until the Elimination Chamber. With Cena “gone,” they needed something to fill the void. Mr. Capri Shorts as WWE champion fills that void. Check out this article though on MTV.com.

Here’s the last line of the article: “He's the first member of the MTV family to win said championship, and we salute him.”

He's the first member of the MTV family to win said championship, and we salute him.

He's the first member of the MTV family to win said championship.

HE'S THE FIRST MEMBER OF THE MTV FAMILY TO WIN SAID CHAMPIONSHIP.




That’s it for me. I’m going to go cry now.

Raw's Absurd Verdict: A Little Absurd

***

ABSURDITY POSTSCRIPT SPECIAL

There’s something else I want to point out: when growing up, wrestling PPVs were a huge deal. They were the place where big storyline developments happened and feuds ended. If I wanted to see if Stone Cold would make Vince McMahon retire in a First Blood match with Undertaker, I had to pay up. Sure, you would get your random Hell in the Cell match on Raw to compete with Nitro and things of that nature, but PPVs were typically where the big events took place. (Most people would point to Goldberg vs. Hogan taking place on Nitro as a ill-advised move, but Bischoff was damn determined to squash WWE.)

But, recently with both WWE and TNA PPVs, I've been forced to forget my training on wrestling PPVs. It's all about television now. What are people going to be buzzing about for the next week? Example #1: Cena saying goodbye and Miz cashing in MITB on Raw. Example #2: Old School Raw, which many people enjoyed seeing. Example #3: Three-hour Raw next week featuring the King of the Ring tournament. Naturally, it’s on free television. Is anybody talking about Survivor Series? No. Nothing happened. It has already been forgotten. Why? It’s all about television contracts now.

It’s hard to explain WWE's reasoning for asking WWE PPV buyers to shell out $50 nearly every three weeks for PPV content that often doesn’t feel like it’s worth it. (Amazingly, despite the marketing tagline of “this PPV concept only happens once a year” they sprout off.)

Are wrestling PPVs nowadays just as “cheap” as those old WCW phone hotlines? Did you miss the PPV main event? Odds are you’ll see it again next night. Is it really worth it? Is PPV business down due to people not spending as much, pirate web streams, people watching PPVs together, or another reason? Or, is it because the PPVs are overpriced (WWE’s especially) and people often feel like they're not really getting their money’s worth? Lately it's been a stream of blah PPVs hitting us in the mush. The main events lately haven't been great shakes for older fans.

I wrote all of this because I read about the anti-Survivor Series feedback and how depressed people are about the current PPV situation. Wait a minute. That’s not really true. The real reason I wrote all of this is because I heard WWE is hiring new writers and this position pays squat. Maybe they’ll read this article and email me! I’ve always stood up for WWE, even when I didn’t know how to walk! Honest!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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