By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“You can walk on water
You can walk on the moon
You can walk through Memphis
Wearin' blue suede shoes
When the walkin' is over
At the end of the road
It ain't what you've done, son
It's who you know”
-“It’s Who You Know” by Trace Adkins

Here’s a quick test to gauge how hip you are. Which event did people tweet more about: Beyonce’s pregnancy announcement or the death of Osama Bin Laden?

The correct answer is Beyonce. Tweeting about Beyonce’s baby news got about 8,000 posts per second (Osama got around 5,000 posts per second).

And who knew that C.M. Punk accomplished both American milestones in the same night, too.




If you answered Bin Laden, you’re still not as out of touch as Vince McMahon, which has been the knock on him.

And that’s what C.M. Punk is worried about in his feud with Triple H: that ol' Trips is just a copycat of Vinnie Mac.

Triple H is mad at C.M. Punk for calling his wife names. And for not knowing the pleasure of wearing women’s undergarments. Trips: if it weren’t for Vince McMahon, you would be stuck on the TNA’s Koastal Khaos Kruise ship, Punk. You want that?

Let’s be upfront about it: The Punk-Trips feud should feel like a big meal for fans to gorge on. You give fans a great storyline and add a great intrigue to the match, and they’ll eat it up.

But, at this point, instead of a great feast that should be Punk vs. Trips, it's a Pop-Tart with the possibility of Kevin Nash coming in and eating half of it. Sure, WWE, go ahead and toast that Pop-Tart for me. I, along with many other people, won’t care if the match is weighed down with the Nash Special.

What’s the Nash Special? Walk in, Do The Bomb, Walk out. Imagine if the next few Absurd articles just had one quip like "Triple H Panties 4 Life" and that was it. And I got paid five figures for it. Resentment would soon follow.

I'm guessing they're buying time for Nash to return to the ring at Hell In The Cell. Triple H is denying Kevin Nash the manly satisfaction (Nash can’t get no, sat-ifis-cation) of getting his hands on C.M. Punk (well, Nash already has beaten up Punk many times, but that’s just TV money, not PPV money). And now Trips has gone and canceled Nash-Punk, which means paycheck for Nash in the five figures. Awww hell nah.




Here’s a suggestion: Trips bans Nash from ringside during the Trips-Punk match or something to that effect, so at least viewers can try to focus on the match without worrying about Nash.

Of course, Nash shows up anyways...but attacks Triple H. And C.M. Punk picks up a dirty win over Triple H. Thus, C.M. Punk, best in the world, can claim to have beaten John Cena and Triple H in big-time events. And Triple H and Kevin Nash continue to whine about trust issues.

Triple H is one of the masters of the subtle. Instead of doing the he-man posing, he makes sure to slap skin with a fan by the barricade when he comes down. Instead of sitting during the contract signing with C.M. Punk, he instead stands to show his stature as COO of the company. That or he couldn’t sit down because of Stephanie’s hand. Anywoo, even though this Punk-Trips feud is less than ideal (two babyfaces fighting each other), there’s still four shows left before the PPV to right this ship.

-WWE also needs to get crackin' on the John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio. Understandably it’s a bit tough to pump up a World Champion when said champion can’t be on your shows due to visa issues. But, Cena’s appearance on the last Smackdown was atrocious. Cena bashing in-ring announcers on the mic (Ha, take that, Tony Chimel) and in real life was a bad move. Sure, Ricardo Rodriguez is a heel, but he’s still just a feeble ring announcer. Alberto Del Rio broke Rey Mysterio’s arm, while Cena might have broken Rodriguez's jaw.




Cena wasn’t done just yet. He had to face Wade Barrett. Instead of a real fight, WWE offered a calm match where Cena dispatched Barrett with ease. After the match, there was a nice moment with Cena shaking hands with some military brethren in the front row. Quite apt too, since Wade Barrett’s push is now FUBAR. Wade could only last three minutes with Cena? Really? Former Intercontinental champion and Cena's slave-master in Nexus, Wade Barrett, is a three-minute man?




Man, the qualities of Cena being a great heel are all right there. The invincibility, the self-assuredness, and the lame promos. But, according to Cena, faces and heels don’t exist in wrestling, so here’s some more skull-caving punches from a man who can bench press 600 pounds to you, Ricardo.

-When asked “What is the WWE Feud of the year?” the most common answer would be “Cena vs. Punk,” as well as it should. They had tremendous buzz going in to their matches. But, Orton vs. Christian delivered seemingly every single time in their matches. They had great chemistry, so while I can’t put Orton-Christian as the #1 WWE feud of the year, it’s definitely a strong number two.

-Daniel Bryan winning the Money in the Bank is apparently Daniel Bryan winning a ticket to lose all his matches. You know why he loses all the time? Because winners eat cow and watch five hours of television a day, you vegans.

-Everything about Sin Cara’s character is supposed to stand out from the rest of the pack, so people still complaining about the lighting effect for his matches don’t get it. After all, there’s merchandize to push.

-Right now with Mark Henry, there needs to be a “wow visual” to get his monster character over. For example, bum-rushing Sheamus through a barricade was a “wow visual.” What would you suggest to be a “wow visual” for this Henry-Orton feud? Can they pull out Orton's fake trailer and fake wife for a Big Show-pushing-over-a-Jeep moment?

That’s it for me. Be sure to send C.M. Punk a congrats card.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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