By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Think of all the things that really mattered
And the chances you've earned
The fire in your heart is growing
You can fly, if you try leaving the past behind
Heaven only knows what you might find”
-“Dare” by Stan Bush

So, I went down to my local movie theater and guess who was working the candy counter? The monster Abyss, who TNA suggested died earlier this month on PPV. He asked me if I wanted some butter on my popcorn and I said, “Nah. I like blood on my pops. Got any?” Abyss replied, “Sure thing, buddy." Abyss lined up his head against the metal popcorn stand, took aim, and, a horrific scream later, I got my blood popcorn. Whatta guy.

What movie did I choose? That sick gorefest known as “The Artist.” As I squirmed in my seat as zombies made love and satan laughed with delight, I got this funny idea in my head.

It’s known that the bad guy from “No Country for Old Men” was an inspiration for Suit Jericho. What if the silent film “The Artist” was an inspiration for Light-Up Jacket Jericho? The film and his new character show similar traits: Not much talking, over-exaggerated facial expressions, a unique sense of style, and not everybody “getting it."




Nah, his character probably came from, I dunno, "Iron Maiden" lyrics or something.

If Jericho came back and did his “C’mon baby!” routine, odds are people would have been bored of it. I’m already looking forward to the mind games that Jericho can play on that greasy hobo C.M. Punk. (I mean, unless Punk squares off against the ghost of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, as there sure aren't a lot of “WrestleMania main event opponents” for the Punkster.)

So, what’s Jericho going to do at the Rumble? Is he going to win the Rumble match? Or, are the lights going to go out during the Punk-Ziggler match and Y2J lays out Punk? Will he actually do a wrestling move? No man, he's gonna troll everybody!

Here are my top picks for who’s going to win the Rumble: Jericho, Sheamus, and Mick Foley. I’m being serious. Foley’s gone on a pizza binge since his time with TNA and has to weigh at least a conservative 800 pounds. He should form a tag team with Brodus Clay, dancing their way into our hearts. Ow! Have mercy! The Funk & Sock Connection wins the Tag Titles even though both of them have only one move. Which, actually, is all it takes to win the Tag Titles these days.

Come to think of it, hanging out with Brodus Clay and James Storm would be a heck of a night on the town. Too bad you wouldn’t remember it.

Michael Cole after seeing the same Brodus Clay entrance/dance/match for the 30th time in a row: “Ohhhhh man! This is awesome! Raarrrr, Funkararaus! What? Ted DiBiase broke his leg into 13 places defending USA's honor? Go back to your parking lot party and finish the rest of your Capri Sun, loser!”

And, when fans get tired of Clay’s shtick (never!), he’ll go on “So You Think You Can Dance” to get some publicity for WWE. I would think wrestlers on dancing shows would be a-ok with WWE, since that company always has their finger on the dance-off trigger. I’m surprised there aren’t more.

***

Daniel Bryan: “Come on, Teddy! This isn’t fair! You booked me to face Mark Henry and Big Show on every Smackdown and now most fans don’t want to see my PPV match!”

Teddy: “Can’t help you, playa. I got problems of my own. Like some crazy girl trying to get with me every Friday night.”

Johnny Acehole: "I was 2011’s Wrestling Villain Of The Year. Weep."




The goal is for Daniel Bryan to get eaten and spit out by Mark Henry, complain and whine about it, and then work WrestleMania by spinning the parking lot sign for fans. Nobody works that sign better. He’s the best in the world.

The following is a test for the Cena-Kane feud. Please watch John’s face.




Please mark your answer:

[ ] Cena is taking things really hard and he’s battling to control emotions he’s never felt before and I'm fiwve wears old

[ ] Cena ate too many Fruit Loops and it’s coming out now.

I agree with Eve. It’s really all Cena’s fault. That do-good, terrific guy. Apparently Mr. Poopy Jokes doesn’t want to be dragged down to Kane’s Kampiness. He has standards. I don't. I like blood on my popcorn, for goodness sakes.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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