By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“So gimmie gimmie my motivation
Gimmie gimmie my dreams
You gotta tear me down me down to set me free
And gimmie gimmie my revelation
Gimmie back my scene
You’ve gotta let me be me”
-“So Long, And Thanks For All The Booze” by All Time Low

So, you’re at your local gym, ready to crank out 15 miles on a stationary bike. As you exit the locker room, you first try to get by C.M. Punk, who resents human contact and decks you in the face. Blood pours out of your nose while Paul Heyman holds the WWE Championship over your head.

Undeterred, you plan to make the most of your lunch hour and get on the bike. Later, with sweat dripping down your face, a fellow gym rat takes the bike next to you and proceeds to... check his phone messages and watch TV for the next hour.

Raw was like that last night. It showed up, but it didn’t push it to the limit. Mostly, it just kinda sat there. Those dum-dums managed to scientifically stop time during that Vickie Guerrero bit. No one could deny that this is the “slow period” of WWE. There are whispers of “change” with Ryback vs. Punk and Vickie Guerrero becoming the “Managing Supervisor” of Raw. It’s up to you whether you’re excited about these “changes.” Many are not.

Team Hell No overhyped and overplayed? All signs point to yes. Unless you missed the last Smackdown where Creative decided to have Team Hell No beat up the lumberjacks in the main event match. “Look! Team Hell No is here for some reason! And, they’re beating up these losers!” What ended Raw? A lumberjack match. By the way, Vince McMahon = 30 Superstars.




Raw’s flow was seemingly good-bad-good-bad.

Nice opening tag team match with Jim Ross being mint on the mic...

That is followed by Kofi beating up a loser and, oh yeah, Intercontinental Championship is this Sunday, and yeah, that Main Event show did a better hype job with Kofi-Miz than Raw could, but guess which show more people watch...

To seeing John Cena act in his new role as “slightly aging cheerleader for new meathead..."

And then seeing Antonio Cesaro losing to Justin Gabriel because Antonio can’t fight himself at the PPV...

Followed by the fabrication that A.J. Lee lost her job not to dwindling ratings, but because she had relations with a wrestler, and because the role of Raw G.M. is akin to priesthood...

This was topped with Vickie Guerrero’s new official title that isn’t something fun like “Boss Bitchass," but rather the very weak “Managing Supervisor” title...

Que up Ryback mopping up Miz, who doesn’t know that, much like your cat, you can distract Ryback with a red light and win every time…




Let’s roll out Big Show being angry with Sheamus mostly because he wants this feud to be over with...

Strike up Ziggy and Goatface saving Raw again...

Then, we watched the Team Hell No Game Show careen off the rails, flip over a couple times, and land in a smoldering wreck in a cornfield while the writers guffawed on how bad this segment was...

Proceeded by Cena and A.J. Lee taking pictures of said burning train wreck while wearing matching outfits...

After that, we got the true state of Raw and the most revealing moment from Vince McMahon himself when he said “it is what it is” and got the hell out of there in his limo...

Meanwhile the San Francisco Giants are playing a legendary game with a truly memorable ending...

Then, every Raw viewer thought, “Gee, Cena’s a recently-divorced hero who rises above cancer and has strange fetishes, and A.J. Lee’s a 15-year-old naive girl who is easily misled and is WWE’s current hottest babe. The only risky thing they did after dinner was exchange a handshake.”




Wait, that’s a lot of “bads” and not much “goods."

Don’t doubt that this Cena-A.J. love angle will have legs. For a good chunk of the show, I forgot all about that dummy Ryback and the WWE championship blah blah blah. I was locked in like a crazed celebrity fan, wondering why people would want to mess with the perfect love that is A.J. and Cena. I’ve already written the ending…

CENA: (Sobbing) A.J.! I did it! I won the WWE Championship at WrestleMania!

A.J.: (Crying) I knew you could do it, baby! I love you so much!’

Rock: (Weeping) Agh! John Cena, you proved something to me! You’re the man! After all, it’s you who have sold more merchandize than Stone Cold! Cena...you’re...so...kewl...*Rock’s soul is then absorbed by John Cena.

(Cena and A.J. close in for a hug. Cena hugs a bit too hard and tragically breaks A.J. into two like how one would snap a Kit-Kat bar)

Cena: Noooooo! Oh God, no! Not again!

Here’s a scoop for TMZ: Cena has a thing for man’s nipples. Not really a secret. He blurted it out on national television a while back.

Ziggy has to give some lines about the Cena-A.J. thang, and not about how he stole the show with Daniel, or how about he’s Mister Money In The Bank. He lives such a dull and boring life that this Cena-A.J. love affair makes him giggle.

The person that look the strongest night (and obviously rightly so) was Ryback. Let’s ignore the thunderous Ryback hype machine for a minute and let’s answer this question: Are you hyped up for a non-finish? Ryback shouldn’t lose, and C.M. Punk sure as hell shouldn’t lose before his play date with Rocky.

There’s a lot of scenarios that could play out at the Hell in the Cell PPV. Some things are a given: Raw needs a shot in the arm. They make huge strides with this Cena-A.J. thing, and I’m excited, too, because that means less dumbass Team Hell No segments. Wait, they’ll just throw these guys in with Cena and A.J. in the opening segment. Maybe we'll get back up to the magic rating number of 3.0 on the backs of Cena and A.J.

Now, Survivor Series needs a big push. From Brock Lesnar kidnapping A.J. Lee to the Rock being the special guest PPV host...again, something big needs to happen. This Ryback hype ain’t gonna be enough. Cena vs. Punk again with the added allure of A.J. is one scenario.

All in all, a mixed show. I'll give it a rating of "In The Middle Of Absurdity."

If you didn't enjoy Raw, well...




That’s it for me. Hope you enjoyed the article. I’m promoting fellow absurd reader Seungyong Hann-Jing to be the managing supervisor of the Absurdity articles. While English is not his first language, and techincally he's considered a "war criminal," I’m sure he’ll do a bang-up job and that you'll love him. I will have to serve my suspension for my illicit relationship with...oops, said too much.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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