By Derek Burgan, LOUNGE Idiot Savant

The Official PWTorch power rankings are determined by a poll including PWTorch.com staff like Derek Burgan, pseudo-celebrities such as Subway’s Jarred along with obscure cartoon/comic book characters like Mark Hazzard: MERC.

First of all, I apologize for the slight delay for Stat Sheet, but me and the crew decided to go out to a Mexican place called La Carreta in glorious Manchester, NH (home to this upcoming weeks Smackdown). I drank few too many frozen Maragritas (I don’t know what the hell “Muy Grande” means, but I like saying it so I can do my Bumble Bee Man impersonation), so if this column doesn’t make any sense you can blame the alcohol. Now that I think about it, it’s still technically Friday in parts of California, so I still made my deadline!

#1 Kane (Last Week #3): In the storyline that will never die (guffaw!), Kane beat his new arch nemesis in a casket match to close out RAW. I like Kane and all, and think he’s a great wrestler, but with this stupid angle the only thing I see that would really help him would be for him to come out, ditch the mask and say he is all done with this “stupid shit.” For all I know that could turn out to be just like the Chazz “shoot” promo that bombed.

#2 Kurt Angle (Last Week # 4): A couple readers answered my question about the provision Stephanie McMahon had with Angle and Benoit about not attacking each other. Apparently even Tazz even talked about during Angle’s match. Okay, I admit it. For the first 5 minutes of Smackdown my girlfriend was yapping my ear off and not only did I miss Tazz mention that, but I missed whatever it was that Shannon Moore said to Tajiri. Damn it! I do know all about my girlfriends day at work though!

#3 Triple H (Last Week #1): Why do I get the feeling that in order for Triple H to agree to job in the Casket Match he had to be put over in the Elimination Chamber? I haven’t laughed at RAW as much as I did when they first cut to the Triple H in the hospital tape, and again when the facial expressions changed on the cut-out.

#4 Tajiri (New): Tajiri’s disco/afro costume on Smackdown was hilarious as was his interaction with Mae Young and Moolah. From feigning absolutely horror at the idea of Mae Young to having drinks with her later, for a guy who doesn’t speak English (at least on TV), he gets across more than 80% of all the other wrestlers in the Fed. His match with Matt Hardy v1.0 was a superb TV match and no one can make a kick more devastating than the Japanese Buzzsaw.

#5 Chris Benoit (Last Week #8): The Rabid Wolverine not only carried his half of a great match with Edge on Smackdown, but came back to do a great spot knocking out Kurt Angle with the Tag Title belt along with nailing Eddie and Chavo. His battle with Kurt in the Halloween Party was a nice little intense battle.

#6 AJ Styles (Last Week #12): With all the faults that the NWA TNA has, the work that AJ Styles has been doing is not one of them. How he was not, or is not picked up by the WWE is mystifying.

#7 Rey Mysterio (Last Week #9): Rey Rey had two of the most amazing visual moves of the night on Smackdown, if not the entire week in wrestling. One was being a human bag of potatoes and swung into the ring post by Brock Lesnar, and the other was being thrown into the crowd (ala Spike Dudley in ECW) by the Big Show.

#8 The Amazing Red (New): I need to write an email to Torch Indy Guru Chad Murphy to find out more about this kid. Talk about coming up aces. He made his match with AJ Styles this week just as good as any match AJ has had with Jerry Lynn, and I can’t think of a better compliment than that. Their match was an incredible way to end the PPV and almost, almost makes you forget what a dog of a show you just saw was, which is the job of a good main event, period.

#9 Edge (Last Week #10): Edge might be the biggest winner of the RAW/Smackdown split right now because if he were on Monday’s show he’d be in the same position that Rob Van Dam is in (ie: going nowhere). Instead he’s putting in his half of amazing matches with Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit along with forming an awesome tag team with Rey Mysterio.

#10 The Truth (Last Week #7): Finally the Truth had his best match in weeks, unfortunately in was position so badly on the PPV card that it almost came across like a joke. It was also against Scott Hall who is obviously just mailing it in at this point. Damn, with a good storyline in the WWE this guy could be the real Next Big Thing, combined with a Booker T heel turn…. I’m salivating here!

#11 The Big Show: (New) It was almost surreal to hear the Big Show’s never ending promo on Smackdown this week. First of all, it was completely obvious there wasn’t a single person in the crowd who gave a damn, and who can blame them? And secondly, you would have thought he just ran a marathon considering how out of breath he was. The damn match was two friggin’ minutes!!! Bonus points for tossing Rey into the crowd though, that was a “Holy Shit!” moment.

#12 Shawn Michaels (New): I had no idea this was coming and popped like crazy when he came out. I’m glad Shawn is going to be a part of Survivor Series and hope he continues to have a lot of involvement with the TV shows. I could really care less about the games backstage, all I know is what comes across on the screen and Micahel’s has something you can’t train someone to have, ‘charisma’.

#13 Test (New): I’m not really sure about the new tights that Test has, or the “TESTicles” catchphrase, but anything that gets us more Stacy Kiebler in I-Can’t-Believe-She’s-Wearing-Those shorts is fine by me.

#14 Scott Steiner (New): Oh Hell Yeah!! Can you imagine how absurd a WWE physical must be if Big Poppa Pumped passed?

#15 Randy Orton (New): The RNN video updates on RAW are classic. This weeks “breaking news” about RAW not having anything about Randy last week was hilarious. I’ve yet to read in any “big name” column how the geniuses at Smackdown made Randy Orton useless and yet going to RAW (which, don’t forget, is written by stupid comic book writers and others who obviously aren’t as smart as Paul Heyman) he was transformed into something watchable.

The Torch Retort: A weekly look at 10 of the most interesting articles on PWTorch.com along with my thoughts.

1. This was the best batch of reader feedback that I’ve seen in a while. In succeeding paragraphs we have a Torch reader who gives RAW a 0.0 and another who gives the exact same show a 9.5. That’s right, a Nine Point F---ing Five! First of all, both of these two are way off. While I appreciate Steve Oldham’s attempt at writing a Drama Queen review with his 0.0, even Mojo Mitchell would have a hard time describing that RAW as the worst ever. Jesus Christ, it was twice as good as last week's RAW! And on the other end of the insanity spectrum we have Brandon Karpowitz telling us that this weeks RAW was basically as good as Wrestlemania X. Brandon also thinks that Test’s new catchphrase has an ability to sell merchandise. Yeah, I’ll tell shopzone to put my “I’m a TESTicle” shirt on backorder with my “Back Dat Ass Up!” shirt. Puh-lease.

2. This week’s Bring The Pain was another great piece by one of the Torch’s best, Mike Sempervive. After starting off the column by trying to delude us into thinking he was “mailing it in”, Mike goes on to write about some great topics, including what the Drama Queens who think RAW is the biggest piece of crap in television history (I’m looking in your direction BJ) can actually do instead of bitching. Mad Mike also brings up some of the excellent books that are out right now dealing with wrestling that actually deserve your attention. I myself can personally recommend Dave Meltzer’s Tributes, Dynamite Kid’s Pure Dynamite and both of Foley’s books for anyone reading this. Now I have to somehow get a copy of the next Must Read, Martha Harts new book about Owen. As for Bring The Pain, it should be on everyone’s list on what to check out every Sunday.

3.A parody of an Edgar Allen Poe poem on the Torch?! Hard to believe, but the Torch’s James Guttman does just that on Friday’s Insult to Injury. A fantastic wrestling take on Poe’s “The Raven”, I only have to disagree with one line. James writes, “RAW needs More.” I believe that RAW needs MOORE, as in Shannon Moore since he’s just jerking himself off over on Smackdown. Why doesn’t the WWE have Shannon start believing in “Mattitude” and bill himself as Shannon AllThatAnd Moore or something? This kid is a great talent who looks like he may follow Jerry Lynn right under the WWE radar.

4. Man! Did the Torch get bitched slapped by the industry this week or what? First, the Hurricane blasts them on his official website and today Powell wrote about the NWA TNA, the same NWA TNA that the PWTorch has just about granted “favored nation status” since Day One has the balls to indirectly slam the Torch through it’s media clown Jeremy Borash in the latestTNA NEWS. Inconceivable! I’d have to guess at least 25% of TNA buys come from people drinking Wade’s Kool-Aid and thinking this half assed outfit really is better than the crap they show every week. Yeah 10 bucks to see BG James against Ron Harris is a much better deal than seeing Matt Hardy v1.0 versus Tajiri on Smackdown!

5. Torch Contributor Celian Varini serves up another dose of the most insane TV reviews on the net with his take on WWE Classic. You gotta give this a guy a try, at least once. Me and fellow Torch Smackdown reviewer BJ Bethel have different views of what we look for in a review. I for one, could care less how many god damn arm bars were thrown in a match. I want to get the “feel” of how the person reviewing the show got during the match. Throw in some goofy fun, and you have me hooked.

6. Speaking of BJ, the Torch Diva apparently was a little upset at last weeks Stat Sheet and took out his frustrations in his weekly edition of RAW Meat. It was actually pretty funny seeing Bethel do the first real life example of Mattitude as he only “cut and pasted” part of my paragraph against him that he wanted to respond to, while conveniently leaving at all the relevant information that led to what he cut. Hey, whatever. I’m not quite sure though which number is more believable, Wrestlemania III having 93,000+ fans or Bethel getting 500+ emails. While I personally don’t have the time or inclination to follow through with BJ’s request to search his old Smackdown reviews, if any reader wants to do so I would appreciate it if they could answer one question for me. Has BJ ever had an opinion that differed from Wade Keller, Jason Powell or Pat McNeill? You might have to go way back to help me out on that one.

7. If you aren’t buying the NWA TNA PPV’s, and trust me, I know you’re not I highly recommend checking out either Gregg Allison or Mike Sempervive who do some fantastic write ups on the shows that give a legit fans opinion.

8. I know I’m not the only one who enjoys reading Pete Nyman and his column, The Writer’s Block on the LOUNGE. Give this week’s column a try as it’s a quick read and has a really neat concept on proposed RAW/Smackdown trades. If you don’t like it, send me an email with the subject line “Derek, you are a complete F---ing moron.”

9. Torch Indy Guy Chad Murphy came through again this week with a great Radio Review that happened to include Percy Pringle (the former Paul Bearer) and his thoughts on the current necrophilia angle with Kane. I was surprised to see Pringle not follow the company line even though he’s not tied to the WWE any longer. It’s not often you see people in wrestling give their real thoughts. One of the biggest strengths I see in Wade Keller and his Torch Talk interviews (available in the Torch Newsletter) is that he often gets his interviews to really give their honest opinions on a given subject.

10. It would probably be impossible to list all the sites that crib off the daily Torch Today, but you should probably see for yourself why it is an invaluable tool in finding out what is going on in the bizarre world of pro-wrestling. Friday’s edition alone has comments on the Ultimate Warrior going crazy again, Jason Powell complaining that ‘Push, Nevada’ was cancelled (I know how you feel Jason, I’m still getting over Alf getting shit canned and that was over a decade ago) and Mae Young appearing at an Indy show called Ho-vember to Remember (guffaw!)

Official PWTorch Wrestling Enjoyment Index A weekly look at the events which made watching wrestling fun or tried their damndest to suck the life out of us. The scale ranges from 0-100. 100 would be wrestling nirvana

RAW: I thought that RAW started off pretty good, and marked out HUGE when it was the Hurricane that interrupted Triple H (although I should have known nothing would come of that). I was literally laughing out loud at the first several moments of the hospital scene and think the Triple H “face” on the patient’s body was inspired madness fully deserving of praise. Unfortunately, the WWE had no idea when to call it quits and the entire segment seemed to go on FOREVER. This wasn’t by far a great RAW, but it was much better than you would be led to believe if all you read was Bruce Mitchell giving it a (2.0). You had the Shawn Michaels ending, which was fantastic, the announcement of Scott Steiner (believe it or not, the majority of wrestling fans don’t read wrestling websites or buy the sheets) or more details were released about the Elimination Chamber which at the very least will be more entertaining than Big Show versus Brock Lesnar at the PPV. +1

SmackDown: John Cena as Vanilla Ice? Matt Hardy versus Tajiri? Chris Benoit versus Edge? Kurt Angle against Eddie Guerrero? A Smackdown in which Michael Cole didn’t embarrass himself nearly as much as he usually does? I’m sorry, but that’s good shit. You can read my review here. +5

Tough Enough III: This show is just like Confidential used to be when it first started. THE must watch wresting show of the week. This week’s episode was pretty much the one that Lisa went nuts in that was described by Wade in the Torch a few weeks back. Unfortunately MTV didn’t show any part of her mental collapse, but the show was still entertaining. Not much wrestling this week and Jonah, who unfortunately looks like has the best chance of winning this thing even though he has about 1/10 the charisma and talent of Chris Chetti (who couldn’t buy a job in the WWE right now), came across like a total MORON losing two bets that were just plain stupid. Hmmm, that was a long sentence. I wonder if Meltzer is hiring? +2

The NWA TNA PPV: Wade Keller giving this show a (5.0) in the VIP Express tells you all you need to know. Basically when it comes to NWA TNA minus about 2.5 from whatever Wade grades it at if you are a wrestling fan and minus 4 if you are a just a regular human being. You got to love any show that has Scott Hall calling the strugelling management, “too stupid to quit”. It reminds me of when Vince McMahon would come on RAW, or Bischoff back on NITRO, and say the show sucks. There’s nothing a fan likes being told more than they are idiots! I’m a Scott Hall mark, but man, he’s losing it and losing it fast. -3

WWE the Videos Vol. 1: So here I am at Best Buy looking at DVD’s. I eventually make my way over to the wrestling section. To show you how highly the Real World looks at wrestling, the DVD’s are located between the Girls Gone Wild DVD’s and Camp Kill Yourself. I noticed WWE: The Videos and on the back it lists it has “extended versions of the entrance music of these 10 WWE Superstars.” As soon as I saw The Hurricane listed I already knew I was going to buy the disc (and it was under ten bucks to boot! Nootch!) Here’s the playlist: Triple H (dedicated to the NetCop, Scott Ketih), Undertaker, The Rock, Mr. McMahon (ugh), Kane, Chris Jericho (F’n Cool!), Edge, Kurt Angle, The Hurricane along with Billy & Chuck. +3

Stephanie McMahon is still Smackdown GM: Alright, she was just too hot this week to give a negative rating, although the kissing Bischoff crap and LIKING it should be a minus two! It’s a wash

Wrestling Enjoyment Level last week: 48
Net change this week: +8
Current Enjoyment Level: 56

See ya next Friday!

Derek Burgan also writes Smackdown Express each and every Thursday night exclusively for PWTorch.com He welcomes readers to submit any and all comments or suggestions. He can be reached at Dburgan@pwtorch.com