By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

We are live at couchside for Pat McNeill's exclusive opinions on WWE's TLC show. Pat's thoughts will apparently begin after a certain pro football game.

Don't worry, wrestling fans, you're not missing anything yet. Unless you love video packages of Ryback.

BREAKING NEWS: Brodus Clay wins the coveted Slammy Award for Best Dancer. We'll have reactions from around the world coming up...never.

It's time for our Divas Battle Royal. Boy, it's a shame they left Desiree Peterson and Leilani Kai out of this one. As Scott Stanford actually said, all heck is breaking loose. This is ho, ho, horrendous.

Naomi eliminates Kaitlyn to earn the title shot against Eve Torres later tonight. Thank goodness I was right about that one.

MORE BREAKING NEWS: Daniel Bryan wins the Slammy Awards for Upset of the Year, Tweet of the Year, and Best Facial Hair. Wow. Can we start the main show already?

There's a 26 bell salute to kick off the show, after the massacre in Connecticut on Friday. It's the right decision, but it starts off the show on a somber note.

Our opener is a tag team tables match, as Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara take on Damien Sandow and his partner, Snively Whiplash.

And the Rhodes Scholars win when Cody blocks a springboard and Sin Cara falls backwards through a table.

The Shield has a video, in which they tell us they don't like their opponents. I'm amazed they're not putting these videos up on Tout, but maybe they want people to watch the videos instead.

Antonio Cesaro defends the United States Title against R-Truth. Cole is nice enough to explain Cesaro's anti-American views to us during the match. Apparently, Cesaro watches a lot of MSNBC and/or Fox News.

Cesaro wins with the Neutralizer, and earns the praise of John Layfield. Cesaro takes the mic and announces that by booing the U.S. Champion, they're booing America. Fortunately, Cesaro does not go on to explain his position on gun control.

We hear about Tribute To The Troops from soldiers via Tout. Damn, went for the Tout joke too soon in the evening.

Josh Mathews interviews Dolph Ziggler. Dolph tells us that this match shows that Vince McMahon supports legalized thievery. Dolph, you have NO idea.

Michael Cole talks us the new Barclay Center. Cole does NOT tell us that TLC is the biggest thing to hit Brooklyn since "Welcome Back, Kotter."

Well, this show is going pretty well so far. I suppose it's time for...Aw, s---, it's MizTV.

3MB are Miz's guests, and this is painful. Then 3MB decides to beat down the Spanish announce team. Ricrado Rodriguez runs out to make the save, which is awesome. Then Alberto Del Rio comes out to save Ricardo, making it three on two. Miz stands there like a giant phallus and lets 3MB roll over the Hispanics until he remembers he's supposed to be a babyface.

The TNA voiceover guy presents this commercial for next month's WWE Royal Rumble. Apparently Rock will be there.

Matt Striker interviews Wade Barrett, who...Wait a minute, I thought Facial Hair Month was LAST month.

It's Kofi Kingston defending the Intercontinental Title against Wade Barrett. You can tell this is an important match because JBL is making fun of Barrett's big nose.

The announcers tell us that Kingston's parents named him after Kofi Annan. For his sake, I'm glad Kofi's parents weren't fans of Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

Kofi wins. Then we get to see WWE Champion C.M. Punk and Paul Heyman in their skybox. Where, presumably, they've been watching Downton Abbey.

It's time for the six-man TLC match, so go to Caldwell's report if you need play-by-play of this.

The Shield looks fine in their in-ring debut. Roman Reigns has surprisingly good facial expressions. And that last move, the double superplex from the table? That looked painful too.

Just after I type that, Reigns executes the worst-looking save of the week. We have The Shield powerbombing Ryback through the Spanish Announce Table, then putting Kane through a barricade and punishing Bryan three-on-one.

The match is still going. You want more play-by-play? Fine. It would go something like "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!"

Reigns pins Daniel Bryan after a superbomb through a table. It looked like Ryback killed Seth Rollins by throwing him off a ladder, but Seth's okay.

It's Eve vs. Naomi for the Divas title. Naomi shows more athleticism in her ring entrance than we've seen in a month of diva matches. Eve wins with the neckbreaker. Short match, but not a bad match.

Last month, Sheamus hit Big Show with 31 chairshots at the Survivor Series. So, we're going to have a Chairs Match where Sheamus gets FEWER chairshots in than last month?

Big Show works over Sheamus outside the ring. The Brooklyn crowd is so concerned about this that they start chanting for ROH star El Generico.

John Layfield makes fun of Big Show, who goes under the ring to look for chairs. Naturally, there are several chairs there. Big Show goes BACK under the ring, grabs the world's largest chair and nails Sheamus in the ass with a huge chairshot. And that's the finish. I am NOT making this up.

A.J. Lee and John Cena talk backstage, so we can establish once again that A.J. is crazy.

Time for the impromptu six-man tag team match. John Layfield compares Ricardo Rodriguez to the Three Tenors. Except there's only one of him.

It's Alberto Del Rio, The Miz & Brooklyn Brawler against 3MB. And if you missed the previous two hours of this show, you must be wondering what the heck's going on. Apparently this match was signed so the announcers could make fun of Steve Lombardi for five minutes straight. Brawler pins Jinder by submission.

By the way, how can WWE have a pay-per-view in Brooklyn without JTG on the card?

According to Cena, Dolph Ziggler's greatest fear is losing the Money In The Bank briefcase. His second biggest fear? That WWE will make him go brunette again.

And the match begins. "Let's go, Ce-na! Ce-na sucks!" The crowd is really on Cena. Cole mentions that John Cena never complained about all the times he's been screwed out of the WWE Title. That's because in Vince McMahon's world, complaining wrestlers are automatic heels.

"How can John Cena get out of this sleeper hold?" Really, Michael Cole? Really?

Cena puts Dolph in the STF, and Ziggler taps out. That would be great for Cena if this wasn't a ladder match.

Well, this is a heck of a match. So, naturally, here comes Vickie Guerrero. And A.J. Lee. Yes, A.J. beats up Vickie. Yes, Cena climbs the ladder. And, yes, A.J. pushes the ladder over with Cena on it. Dolph Ziggler climbs the ladder and defeats John Cena.

Of course, Cena shrugs it off. Easy come, easy go. VIP members, check back around midnight Eastern for the Roundtable. The rest of you? Enjoy the Slammies, I guess.

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