WWE Raw Report WWE RAW RESULTS 9/13: Keller's report including Chad Ochocinco as guest star, Randy Orton vs. John Cena, season premiere episode
Sep 13, 2010 - 8:22:43 PM
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KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
SEPTEMBER 13, 2010
AIRED LIVE ON USA NETWORK
-The show opened with Josh Matthews, John Cena, and Randy Orton standing in front of the Raw Roulette wheel. Josh went on to reveal the absurdity of the fact that Cena vs. Orton could turn into a pillow fight, song and dance match, or many other possibilities. The wheel was spun and landed on "Tables." Orton walked away. Cena stared him down. Josh asked Cena about his last tables match in which he lost the WWE Title to Sheamus. Cena told Josh that was a bad time in his life and he's trying to move on. He said it's a new season of WWE Raw. He excitedly said a new era begins tonight. He spun the wheel again as the camera zoomed in on the WWE Logo.
-The Raw opening then aired. No logo change. No theme song change. Chris Jericho is still in the video montage, by the way.
-Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler introduced the show from ringside, hyping Raw Roulette for the first time in three years. They also pointed to the cage hanging above the ring.
-Justin Roberts introduced Chad Ochocinco, the starting wide receiver for the local NFL team, the Bengals. Cole plugged that he has his own iPhone App and his own cereal. He said he also loves to Tweet on Twitter and was on "Dancing with the Stars." Miz walked out. He welcomed him to Raw as a "fellow Ohioan." He said Ochocinco is a six-time Pro Bowl wide receiver and he is Mr. Money in the Bank and a U.S. Champion. He said he realized they share nothing in common because, unlike him, he is a champion. He said Ochocinco will never experience being a champion because he plays for the Cincinnati Bungles.
Ochocinco said, "I have two words for you: child please." He reminded Miz the Bengals are the reining AFC North Champions and will win the Super Bowl this year. Miz shifted to his "really?" bit. He brought up that Ochocinco left the game early at a halftime last year to Tweet and missed a hail mary pass. He took digs at his teammates and said they're all overrated, whereas he is "awesome!" I love Miz's new "I'm Awesome" t-shirt with those words scribbled on an oversized name tag sticker.
The Raw G.M. chime sounded. Michael Cole stepped up to the podium to read an email he just got from the G.M. He called for the wheel to be spun. It came up "submission." The G.M. gave Ochocinco the opportunity to name Miz's opponent in a non-title submission match later. He picked "my boy Daniel Bryan." Cole threw a fit as they cut to a break. [c]
1a - THE MIZ (w/Alex Riley) vs. DANIEL BRYAN
The match was joined in progress after the break with Bryan round kicking Miz in the corner. Miz went after Bryan's knee a minute later. He locked on the figure-four at 2:00 to try to get a submission win. Bryan reversed it quickly, so Miz released it. Bryan then applied the LaBell Lock arm submission. It doesn't make any more sense to go for a quick submission win now as in any other match since submissions always lead to victory, but wrestlers tend not to go for them this early in regular matches. Riley checked on Miz afterward. Miz held his gut. He grabbed a mic and said he thinks he has a hernia. He gasped for breath. He said, "To ensure I can defend my title on Sunday, I'm pulling out of this match." He protested the phrase "forfeit," and instead inserted Riley in the match in his place. Bryan said that was fine with him.
1b -- ALEX RILEY (w/The Miz) vs. DANIEL BRYAN
WINNER: Bryan in 1:00 with a LaBell Lock.
-Afterward Miz jumped Bryan, showing no signs of a hernia. Cole took Miz's side, saying he shouldn't have been thrust into that match anyway. Miz shoved Bryan's face into the U.S. Title belt and told him he'll never hold it because he's average. Daniel countered Miz's attempt to give him his finisher by applying his LaBell Lock. Miz tapped frantically.
-Jillian Hall spun the wheel for Edge and then sang. The rigged wheel didn't slow down as he stared at it and they cut to a break.
-A video package aired hyping the Undertaker vs. Kane match at Night of Champions. [c]
-WWE Fact: WWE provides Raw, NXT. Smackdown, and PPVs to American Forces Network which is broadcast to the military in 175 countries and Naval ships. Then they showed an aerial view of the Downtown Cincinnati area including the lit up stadium for the Reds. They showed Cincinnati Bengals players and their families at ringside.
2a -- EDGE vs. EVAN BOURNE -- Bodyslam Challenge
They didn't reveal the match stip until Justin Roberts announced it. Edge went for a quick bodyslam, but Bourne slipped free and threw some kicks at Edge. Edge went for it again, but Bourne held onto the top rope and then threw a high roundhouse kick to Edge's chin. Edge flopped to the mat, but then recovered and went back on offense. He one-arm slammed Bourne for the win seconds later. Afterward, as his music played, he spread Bourne.
WINNER: Edge in 2:00.
-The G.M. chime sounded. Cole stood at the podium and read the email which ordered Edge to take on Mark Henry in a second bodyslam challenge match as punishment for attacking Bourne after the match.
2b -- EDGE vs. MARK HENRY -- Bodyslam Challenge
Edge lifted Henry, but fell backwards with Henry on top of him. Henry then easily bodyslammed Edge.
WINNER: Henry in 1:00. [c]
3 -- TED DIBIASE & MARYSE vs. R-TRUTH & EVE TORRES -- Song & Dance "Match"
Each team picks a member to sing while the other dances. This actually counts as a "match stipulation"? How convenient that Truth had a new song to go with considering the roulette wheel is ostensibly random. Stuff like this is "accepted" as literary license, but I'd argue it's just not worth it as it makes a joke of everything, and in pro wrestling, the more areas you can protect your credibility the better chance you have to draw people emotionally into wanting to pay to see matches. Cole ripped on the new song and said, "It's junk!" DiBiase chimed in and said, "This is stupid. This is ridiculous. I thought this is Monday Night Raw, not 'America's Got Talent.'" He said he didn't understand a word he said. He said the fans don't want to hear him rap. He said he should just forfeit the competition and walk out of the ring. But he won't "because, as Maryse knows, I am full of surprises." He then sang some Sinatra's "May Way" as Maryse danced. He was kissing up to Pat Patterson there. DiBiase was upset with the crowd response. He and Maryse jumped Truth and Eve. Truth and Eve got the better of them after a minute. Then they danced.
-William Regal stood backstage and watched as the roulette wheel landed on "Trading Places." Ochucinco, along the Bella Twins (making their obligatory appearance with the guest star), explained that he had to dress like his opponent. He asked, pray tell, whom his opponent was. Goldust showed up. He handed Regal his wig. Sheamus walked up next. Ochucinco announced that he got an email from the G.M. who said if John Morrison beats him next, John will take Chris Jericho's (former) spot in the Six-Pack Challenge match on Sunday. As of Friday's Smackdown, the announcers gave the impression they wouldn't reveal the final competitor until the PPV itself. The wheel landed on "Falls Count Anywhere." Sheamus said he's going to show the snickering Ochucinco what "good reality TV is" when he wipes the floor with Morrison. Sheamus said he backs up his banter, unlike he and his teammates on Sunday. "There are 85 reasons I don't want to see that red rooster no more," he told the Bella Twins. They went back to talking about a pillow match of some sort.
-A commercial for Cena's new movie "Legendary" noted that the New York Post gave it four stars (out of four). Hey, Dr. Joy Browne gave it a thumbs up, too. [c]
-WWE plugged their fan page, www.facebook.com/wwe. (We also have a new fan page - www.facebook.com/prowrestlingtorch, by the way.) Lawler said he loves Facebook.
-Backstage Zach Ryder asked Edge what the G.M.'s problem is with him. He asked if he stole his girlfriend. "How could he steal my girlfriend, you tool," he said. "I don't even know who he is." Edge said when he wins the WWE Championship, he's going to stage a hold up. He said he and the title will go MIA. In walked Sheamus, who looks surprisingly bigger than Edge. Sheamus said if he plans to win the WWE Title, he shouldn't hold his breath. He told him to pay attention to what he's about to do to Morrison next. Edge told him to watch his breath.
-They cut to Morrison doing pullups backstage. They showed him continue warming up by doing a free-running or free-walling where he athletically moves past any obstacle he encountered. Lawler told Cole he just made something really exciting to watch sound boring. Did Vince McMahon just tell Lawler to say that?
-Sheamus's ring entrance began. [c]
-A video package aired showing Morrison pinning Chris Jericho last week on Raw.
4 -- SHEAMUS vs. JOHN MORRISON -- Falls Count Anywhere Match
Cole hyped that the main event was still to come. Lawler, the ultimate company man, said, "You mean this isn't the main event!?!" Cole hyped Orton vs. Cena in a Tables Match. Sheamus went on early offense. Morrison fired back with a schoolboy. Sheamus threw Morrison to the floor a minute later. When he pursued him, Morrison snuck back into the ring and then head scissored him to the floor. He landed a kick to the jaw and scored a two count on the floor. Sheamus shoved Morrison against the ring barrier seconds later. Morrison backdropped a charging Sheamus over the ringside barrier into the crowd. He followed with a dive over the barrier onto Sheamus. They fought back and forth at ringside for several minutes. They fought onto the stage. Sheamus knocked Morrison to the floor, but Morrison landed on his feet and then kicked Sheamus with a flash kick to the back of his head leading to a two count on the floor. A minute later Morrison dove off of the entrance stage and landed on Sheamus with a crossbody block for a near fall. Jericho then showed up and hit Morrison across the back with a chair. Lawler said there are no DQs in this match. Sheamus covered Morrison and scored the pin.
WINNER: Sheamus in 8:00.
STAR RATING: **3/4 -- Solid match of this type. Jericho gets some heat back!
-Jericho sat mid-ring on a chair with his arms folded. [c]
-After the break Jericho remained in center ring. Lawler said this is Raw Roulette and asked what he was doing. Jericho said he would remain in the ring until he gets the restitution he deserves. He said he won't leave until the Raw G.M. reinstates him into the Six-Pack Challenge. He said taking him out of the match was ridiculous. He demanded justice and vowed to get it tonight. He said if he doesn't get what he wants, he'll quit. He said, "I will go home and watch as the entire WWE burns up in flames, laughing every step of the way." He said it's for real this time.
He also threatened to expose the identity of the G.M. to the entire world. He said he'll track him down and expose his identity to the entire world. "Try me!" he demanded. The G.M. chime sounded and the lights flickered. Cole stood up. Jericho interrupted and snapped at Cole, "We know you got an email, idiot. Just read it!" That got some cheers. Cole looked down at the keyboard rather than the screen of the laptop. The G.M. stated that he doesn't like ultimatums and there's no chance in hell that will work. Jericho laughed and said he doesn't believe it's Vince McMahon. He said McMahon is a brave man, not a coward hiding behind a computer screen. He said if he had orders to bark, he'd do it face to face with him. He said McMahon also knows he is his most valuable asset whom he needs to be at the PPV on Sunday. The G.M. chime sounded again.
Cole asked for people's attention. Jericho snapped: "Shut up! Just read it!" The crowd cheered again. The G.M. statement said the Six-Pack Challenge is an elimination match and he has decided to put Jericho back in the match. Fans cheered. Jericho stood and adjusted his suit. Cole said, "However..." Jericho asked for a moment to bask in his success. He thanked the G.M. for affirming he is the biggest star in his company. Jericho said he guarantees he is walking out of the arena on Sunday night the new WWE Champion. Cole said: "The general manager says, 'Don't ever interrupt me again.'" He finished the statement. He said he is reinstating him into the Six-Pack Challenge providing he wins his match tonight. Cole said he must compete in a handicapped match against the Hart Dynasty. Jericho complained that he was wearing a suit. Cole added that the match will be contested inside a cage. The crowd laughed as Jericho threw off his jacket and leaped to ringside in protest. Cole insisted he was just reading a statement. Jericho insisted Cole tell him the G.M.'s email address. [c]
5 -- CHRIS JERICHO vs. THE HART DYNASTY -- Cage Match
The match was joined in progress with THD perventing Jericho from escaping out the door. DHS powerslammed Jericho, who was in his dress pants and dress suit. Cole said Jericho must eliminate both DHS and Tyson Kidd to win. DHS escaped the cage as Kidd and Jericho fought on the top rope. Kidd knocked Jericho to the mat and then landed a crossbody block. This showed the stupidity of this two-on-one stip in that the Hart Dynasty was at a disadvantage in that both members had to escape the cage to win, and once one of them escaped, it was no longer a man advantage for them. Jericho stopped Kidd from slipping out of the door. Jericho tried to climb over the cage. Kidd caught up and yanked him down. Kidd went for a flying dropkick, but Jericho moved backward and then caught him by his legs. Kidd fought the Walls of Jericho attempt and scored a near fall. He then applied a Sharpshooter. Jericho reached the bottom rope to try to force a break. Cole said in a cage match the rope break doesn't count. Jericho did power out, though, thanks to leverage from the ropes. Jericho stopped Kidd from climbing over the cage again. They battled on the top rope. Jericho countered a huracanrana attempt in dramatic fashion and locked on the Walls of Jericho for the tapout win.
WINNER: Jericho in 7:00.
STAR RATING: **1/4 -- Jericho is back in the mix! Buy the PPV. Does he still vow to quit WWE if he doesn't walk out as champion, though?
-They showed Pete Rose in the front row. (Earlier this year I walked right past Rose at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas as he was about to sign autographs at a memorabilia show and didn't even know it was him until I was told, "Pete Rose just walked past you.")
6 -- GOLDUST vs. WILLIAM REGAL -- Trading Places
Regal walked out wearing a full Goldust outfit, while Goldust was wearing Regal style tights and top, but still wore facepaint. For a second there I got mixed up and thought Regal was actually Goldust imitating Regal. Goldust KO'd Regal with brass knux in just a few seconds for the win.
WINNER: Goldust in 0:10. I can't imagine how different pro wrestling would have evolved if quarter hour or minute-by-minute ratings tracking was available in the 1970s or 1980s. Then again, these super-short matches that are meant to discourage viewers tuning away turns into a destructive self-fulfilling prophesy where viewers now will flip at the slightest hint of boredom. [c]
-Cole and Lawler hyped the Night of Champions line-up. They also plugged Ochocinco's new show on Versus with Terrell Owens.
7 -- RANDY ORTON vs. JOHN CENA -- Tables Match
Ochocinco stood in the ring. He introduced a special ring announcer, "The lovely, the handsome, Chad Ochocinco." He introduced Orton first, then Cena. Cole said Orton is the odds-on favorite to win on Sunday because he's on a roll lately. Well, Vegas odds just collapsed on Orton since wrestling announcers are never right about these things. A slow opening four minutes, as they felt out the situation with a couple shoulder blocks and a teaser of Cena throwing Orton into a table at ringside. They milked the moment and stared at each other, then they cut away to a break. [c]
Lawler said the wrestlers have "literally been trying to destroy each other" during the break. At 10:00 Cena went for an Attitude Adjustment, but Orton countered with a DDT. Orton then pulled a table into the ring. Cena was slow to get up as Orton negotiated the table legs to try to get it fully into the ring. He set it up in the corner and then turned to Cena. Cena recovered and hit two flying shoulder tackles. Cole said it was "vintage John Cena." He went into his You Can't See Me routine. Orton fought back, though, and snap powerslammed Cena. When he went for an RKO, Cena countered into an STF. These two look like they could do this in their sleep. That's a compliment, although it does have the downside of feeling all too familiar.
The Nexus ran to the ring and gang attacked Cena. We hadn't heard from them all show, so this should have been anticipated. Orton gave Michael Tarver an RKO. Cena gave David Otunga an Attitude Adjustment. Cena backdropped Health Slater over the top rope to the floor through a table. Wade Barrett then gave his finisher to Cena mid-ring. Cole noted the match was still going on. Barrett put Cena on a table. Gabriel climbed to the top rope. Orton shoved him to the floor. Barrett then gave Orton a big boot to the face. Both Cena and Orton were down. Barrett looked at the table at ringside and then lifted Orton and was going to drop him onto the table. Orton escaped and shoved Barrett off the ring apron through the table. "Bodies strewn everywhere!" said Cole. "Tables exploding throughout the arena." He said the main event would now continue.
Orton surveyed the situation, with Cena down and a table set up mid-ring. Orton dropped to the mat and pounded it with his forearms. Edge and Jericho ran to the ring. They stomped and punched away at Orton, giving Cena more of a chance to recover. He's really selling Barrett's finisher! Orton fought back, side-stepped an Edge spear, and threw them both through the table he had leaned in the corner a while back. Sheamus then interfered. Sheamus knocked Cena to the floor as soon as he stood up. Lawler said he's "fresh as a daisy" and able to do damage. Cena then immediately gave Sheamus an Attitude Adjustment at ringside. As Cena entered the ring, Orton grabbed him by the neck. Cena countered with an Attitude Adjustment. However, he countered it mid-air into an RKO for the win. It wasn't entirely clear what happened. I'm waiting for the referee to declare that Orton was supposed to clap and wink afterward for his touchdown in the Chicago end zone to count... Oh wait, that was a flashback to that hideous rule being enforced in the Bear-Lions game yesterday.
WINNER: Orton in 17:00.
STAR RATING: **3/4 -- A fine match of this type. All of the interference was well orchestrated and built well and logically to the main event six-pack challenge. It's a taste of what might happen on Sunday, or at least that's what WWE wanted to convey.
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