SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
The following report originally published 20 years ago this week here at PWTorch.com.
WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW REPORT
JANUARY 9, 2006
HERSHEY, PA.
REPORT BY WADE KELLER, EDITOR
-A lengthy recap aired of the Elimination Chamber and subsequent title change at New Year’s Revolution last night. Then the Raw opening aired, followed by Joey Styles, Coach, and Jerry Lawler introducing the program.
-John Cena came out. There were a lot of boos, but his fans seemed to be ready to defend their favorite. A small “Cena” chant even broke out. He said: “I’m trying to understand this. Life is full of choices, you know,” Cena began. He said Edge cashed in his “Money in the Bank” at a very opportune time. He said fans get to make choices, too. “There are a lot of folks out there who have obviously made the choice that I suck,” he said. The announcers acknowledged the mixed reaction.
Cena said: “You know what, there are also some folks out there who made the choice to ride with me through the good times and the bad times. Not just because it was the cool thing to do.” He then quoted Allan Iverson, “If there’s a million people who love me, and there’s ten million people who hate me, so what do I do? I go to bat for each and every one of those soldiers who ride with me.” He added, “To all the fans who are drinking haterade, you can kiss my ass. Because tonight I am making a choice, my choice to cash in on my rematch clause.” He said he wanted to face Edge for the title later. That got a big pop. He ripped off his jersey and then Edge’s music began.
Lita walked out holding the WWE Title belt. She said if Cena wants another chance, he’s in luck, but it won’t be tonight. The crowd booed. She said Edge sees things differently than Cena. Lita said that Vince McMahon, after some “oral persuasion” (choke on that image), decided to delay his title rematch until Royal Rumble.
Lita asked if Cena had been online, because he is going to be doing “something else that begins with the letter F.” She said that would be with her in the middle of the ring. “We are going to walk down there, take off our clothes, get in beg, and unlike you last night John Cena, Edge is going to last longer than two minutes. She said they are going to spice things up by adding the WWE Title into the mix to make it a three-way. “Unlike all these people in these building, Edge knows what to do in bed. Unlike you, Cena, Edge knows what to do in the ring. And that’s why he’s going to beat you at the Royal Rumble, and you can bank on that. Edge is going to do what none of these boys in this building seem to be able to get done, and that’s get laid. If you can’t see that, then you can’t see me.”
She waved her hand in front of her face. Well, those hoping for a double turn aren’t getting it. People might be willing to cheer someone who hates the troops, but will they cheer someone who says they can’t get laid? Cena told her to hold up the parade. “There might be a lot of people here who think I suck, but every damn person knows that you do,” he said. Then he promised to beat Edge’s ass at Royal Rumble. “You can bank on that, bitch.”
An excited Lawler wondered if they were going to see live sex tonight. Styles said Edge shocked the world last night, and he wants to shock the world again tonight. Then they plugged the TV main event of Shawn Michaels & Kurt Angle vs. Chris Masters & Carlito plus Trish Stratus vs. Ashley up next.
Cena did a good job acknowledging the proverbial elephant in the living room. He didn’t rip the fans who booed him, which would have enraged them more, but accepted relatively graciously their right to make a choice before telling them to kiss his ass. The approach gives his fans more reason to rally, while giving those booing him perhaps reason to ponder why they’re booing him. Then Lita’s insults of their sexual prowess may be enough to turn some Cena critics against Edge. Time will tell. And has there ever been a more blatant and outrageous attempt to hook viewers to stay tuned than promising sex. Of course, everyone knows it won’t really happen. The hook is how they’re going to present it. It’s up to WWE to not promise this and not deliver some sort of satisfactory alternative. Oh yeah, and Lita deserves credit for getting through a promo without messing up. It was perhaps her best performance on the mic to date. She’s stumbled recently, but she came through here.
[Commercial Break]
1 — TRISH STRATUS vs. ASHLEY
Mickie James was in the ring during Trish’s intro. She scolded the fans for not cheering loud enough for Trish. Just over a minute into the match, when Ashley covered Trish for a pin attempt, Mickie jumped into the ring and attacked Ashley. The ref DQ’d Trish. Trish chewed out Mickie, who didn’t seem to understand why she was upset. Lilian Garcia mistakenly announced Trish as the winner (making me feel a little better about initially reporting last night that Mickie won a match she wasn’t even in during my “virtual time” PPV report). As the announcers corrected her on air, she clarified that Trish retained the title, but Ashley was the winner by DQ. Poor Lilian’s night will be ruined now by people overreacting to the mistake.
[Commercial Break]
-Wow, in the surprise of the night, Rob Van Dam was featured in a video announcing that he’d be in the Royal Rumble. Odds are, that’s the hardest push he’ll get this year, but there is hope for RVD fans. A few more Fast-injuries to muscle-bound wrestlers and he may be the default plan and actually take off.
-Vince McMahon approached Cena backstage. He said he is excited to see Cena vs. Edge for the first time at the Royal Rumble. He then brought up another first, the “live sex celebration.” He said it wasn’t his idea; it was Edge’s and Lita’s. He said he doesn’t want anyone interfering. He wants it to go smooth. Cena said he isn’t going to stop it because it should be fun, especially since one of them is a “certified ho.” Vince said if he does interfere, he won’t get his rematch. Cena said no worries. He then told Vince to check his “area” (pointing to his crotch) because, using Cena’s words, “there is evidence of oral persuasion.” Oh, the imagery tonight.
-Masters threw Carlito against a locker room wall and said he ruined their plan. Carlito claimed it was an accident. Nice segment in that it followed up logically on what happened the night before, established that Carlito got selfish, and teased there might be more problems in their tag match later. Masters did a good job acted enraged.
[Commercial Break]
2 — ROB CONWAY vs. CHAVO GUERRERO
Chavo was greeted with “Eddie, Eddie” chants. It’s an honor to a point, but it could also be a shadow that he can’t overcome since he’s clearly not at Eddie’s level as a star. Lawler asked if his win over Gregory Helms on PPV was a qualifying match for the Rumble. Coach said no. Nice way for Lawler to sneak in a mention that he won the match. Fast-paced, crisp match. You knew Conway was losing since nobody wins matches in WWE when their ring intro is joined in progress after a commercial break.
WINNER: Chavo at 4:20 to qualify for the Royal Rumble.
STAR RATING: *1/4 — As hard as the wrestlers worked, it still felt like a house show opener.
[Commercial Break]
-A clip aired of Edge winning the “Money in the Bank” ladder match last year to win that title shot he traded in last night.
-Joey Styles, Coach, and Jerry Lawler were shown on camera. Jerry Lawler’s shirt would make Jeff Jarrett envious. What’s up with Tennessee shirts?
-Michaels and Angle had a staredown in the locker room. Angle claimed he had Cena beat before Michaels hit him from behind last night. Michaels said it was retribution. He said they had to be partners tonight. Michaels wanted to know if Angle could trust him. Angle reminded Michaels of McMahon’s zero tolerance policy, and said it was his policy, too.
-Shelton Benjamin’s mom asked Val Venis if he wrestled there. As if some guy would be standing there in green wrestling trunks if he didn’t wrestle there. Shelton’s mom said she didn’t know him as a wrestler, but he was in the movies. Shelton looked embarrassed and tried to tell her what she was about to expose about herself. She shut him up and asked Val about his background in movies. Val enthusiastically said he was in “Harry Twatter” among other adult flicks. She threw a fit, said she had never seen his movies, and said he is going to hell tonight.
ARTICLE CONTINUED BELOW…
Check out the latest episode of “PWTorch ’90s Pastcast” with Patrick Moynahan and Alex McDonald, part of the PWTorch Dailycast line-up: CLICK HERE to stream (or search “wade keller” on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or any other iOS or Android app to subscribe free)
3 — CARLITO & CHRIS MASTERS vs. SHAWN MICHAELS & KURT ANGLE
Angle and Michaels exchanged words before the match. They were bleeped. The announcers focused on whether the two sets of partners could actually get along. Basic solid early action with frequent tags. Angle got knocked to the floor, then Michaels joined him. Angle scolded Michaels for being on the floor and not in the ring as they cut to a break.
[Commercial Break]
Angle made a comeback and hot-tagged Michaels. Michaels worked over both Masters and Carlito. Michaels slammed Masters and hit the top rope elbow. As he set up Sweet Chin Music, Carlito tripped him from behind and yanked him crotch-first into the ringpost. As Michaels took a sustained beating, Angle acted nonchalant in the corner, then avoided several tag attempts by Michaels. Michaels bled from the forehead. Michaels eventually yanked Angle into the ring and then gave him a superkick. Masters then put the Masterlock on Angle and jerked him back and forth. Styles brought up Angle’s history of neck injuries. As Michaels teased leaving the ringside area, Daivari yelled him and ordered him to help Angle. Michaels superkicked Daivari and walked away. The ref in the ring called for the bell. Styles said Angle didn’t submit, but instead the ref called it. Masters dropped Angle, who fell in a heap and didn’t move for several seconds. Coach accused Michaels of screwing Angle. They all agreed it was a huge win for Carlito and Masters. Styles concluded that Michaels and Angle would never be able to coexist. Angle slowly struggled to stand.
WINNERS: Masters & Carlito at 16:45.
STAR RATING: **1/2 — Good tag match. Told a good story, contained good wrestling, and was logically played out. Masters and Carlito are doing well in their roles as young heels being given a solid push.
[Commercial Break]
-McMahon confronted Michaels backstage and said the real Shawn was coming out as he abandoned his partner and stabbed him in the back. He then said he would face Angle one-on-one next week in a rubber match. He told him to get that nasty cut taken care of. He was nasty to Michaels during the entire segment.
-Freeze-frames of Triple H vs. Big Show aired with the announcers narrating.
-Todd Grisham interviewed Triple H backstage about his match the night before. Triple H said the world has gone crazy because Edge won the title when he wasn’t even in the title picture last week. He said the one constant around WWE is him. “When I say something is going to happen, it’ll happen,” he said. He then explained that he promised to destroy Big Show, and he did. He then said it was time for another prediction. “I am going to go to the Royal Rumble and I am going to win and then I’ll go on to WrestleMania where I’ll become the WWE Champion.” He said it doesn’t matter if it’s Edge or Cena or someone else. “Mark my words, at WrestleMania, the king of kings goes back on his throne,” he concluded.
-Torrie, Candice, and Victoria all crawled into bed together. Lawler said that’s the bed Edge and Lita would use later.
-They showed a clip of Edge and Lita leaving the arena last night after the PPV. He was yelling at fans who were hanging out afterward. Grisham caught up to him and asked him about his win. Lita said his win calls for a celebration. Edge said he’s worked 14 years to celebrate winning the belt, so he wanted to celebrate it his way. He said that would be having live torrid sex in the middle of the ring on Raw. Lita leaned in for a kiss. Edge pulled back and said, “Let’s save it for tomorrow.” Back live, Lawler asked, “How far do you think they’ll go?”
-Lawler plugged the “main event,” which the graphic said was “Edge & Lita’s Live Sex Celebration.”
[Commercial Break]
4 –SHELTON BENJAMIN (w/Mama) vs. VAL VENIS
When Val knocked Shelton to the floor, she dabbed his mouth for blood. Shelton asked for help from his mama. After Shelton’s mama distracted Val, Shelton hit Val with a kneelift and took control. Val made a comeback and went for the Money Shot, but Shelton moved. When Val made another comeback later, he got too close to Mama, who stabbed him in the butt with a hairpin. Shelton then scored the pin and celebrated with his mom, not aware that she interfered on his behalf.
WINNER: Shelton at 4:32.
STAR RATING: *
[Commercial Break]
5 — KANE vs. GENE SNITSKY – Royal Rumble Qualifier
Snitsky got in one early clothesline, then celebrated. Kane popped up and quickly chokeslammed Snitsky for the win. After the match, he said 29 victims await him at the Royal Rumble.
WINNER: Kane at 0:55.
STAR RATING: n/a
-Edge and Lita arrived at the arena in a limo. Lita leaned in for a kiss, but Edge told her to save it for the ring.
[Commercial Break]
-Edge and Lita walked to the ring. Edge opened with, “The Champ is here!” He repeated it and was booed by the crowd. “And the best part is, none of you people saw it coming.” He said he outsmarted the fans who think they can predict everything that happens. “I fooled you all.” He talked about achieving his ultimate goal. He had trouble twice spitting out “W-W-E,” saying once: “Double-you-double… You-eee.” He smiled at the site of his name on the WWE Title, then he introduced a video looking back at his career. The music video was to Staind’s “Right Here.”
Back live, Edge said, “After watching that, I have to admit I am awesome.” He said if fans think he and Lita went back to the hotel and performed some sexual gymnastics, they are wrong. They abstained until tonight. He said the Rated-R Superstar wanted to do it his way, live on Raw. “I say, let’s let the celebration begin.” Porn video music played. Edge set the belt on the bad, then took off his boots. Then his socks. Edge then took of Lita’s socks. I’m having a Silk Stockings flashback. Lawler and Coach were really, really into it, and they said Styles was sweating. Edge took off Lita’s shirt, revealing her bra. Lawler said they were about to go further than they ever have on Raw. Lita then took off Edge’s shirt. Edge then got on his knees and stripped Lita to her underwear.
Lita then took off Edge’s belt and stripped him to his underwear. Edge was , well, almost poking out of his shorts. Lawler said, “It’s not polite to point.” Edge unclipped Lita’s bra. She held onto the front. Edge tossed Lita into bed. She covered up, then Edge threw her bra into the open. The lights went out briefly. Lawler said Edge was going south. The lights came back on and Edge had her underwear in his mouth. “Now what?” asked Lawler. Lita then ended up on top, and she went South. Edge then grabbed the WWE Title belt and smiled as Lita worked her way around. Ric Flair then walked out onto the stage and disrupted. He said it takes years of hard work to prove you’re of championship quality. Flair told Edge he just proved he is “dead in bed, jack.”
Flair yanked off his jacket. “Once again, the Nature Boy has got to show you how to do it. Lita, I’m talking to you, baby!” Flair made his way to the ring as Edge put his pants back on. Flair punched Edge and knocked him to ringside. When Flair jumped to ringside, Edge bashed Flair across the face with a chair. Flair came up bleeding right away. Edge then removed the monitors from the announcers table and set a chair on it. He rammed Flair’s head into the chair, then smashed him with another chair.
The crowd chanted “Cena, Cena.” Cena made the save, and Edge retreated to the stage. “John Cena came a little too late,” Coach said. Insert your own joke. Well, that may not be the best way to put it. Cena then saw Lita, still caught in bed naked. Edge stood and watched as Cena peeked under the covers. He called for Edge to come to the ring. Cena yanked off the covers, but Lita had put on a t-shirt and shorts. Cena lifted Lita for an FU, but Edge didn’t make the save. Cena gave her an FU which got a pop and no boos. “That’s not the celebration that Edge wanted,” said Styles. The show closed with Cena and Edge yelling at each other from across the arena.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.