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McMahon’s Impact Wrestling Report
February 23, 2017
Taped at Universal Studios (Orlando, Fla.)
Aired on PopTV
Announcers: Josh Mathews and “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero
— Impact opened with an “In Memoriam” graphic for George Steele, Chavo Guerrero Sr., Ivan Kolof and Nicole Bass.
— Matt Hardy is with George Washington, his giraffe. Matt told Washington he brought him carrots. Matt said that the Seven Deities told him to return to his Egyptian roots, but he’s asking George what he should do because George is his closest confidant. Matt said George is the most intelligent and wise soul. Matt then goes to see Vanguard 1 in the Dome of Deletion. Matt said George is worried about Vanguard 1’s drinking issues. Jeff enters and Matt tells him that the Seven Deities will teleport them to some place that they do not know. Matt said he runs the risk of losing his abilities, so he asks Matt to transfer his abilities to Brother Nero. Lightning and other things flash. Matt said he’s going on an odyssey, and suddenly Jeff has a premonition. Jeff said that Matt is going to Egypt. Matt tells Brother Nero to wish him luck, and Matt teleports away using Vanguard 1 as emotional music plays in the background.
— A graphic airs inviting us to tonight’s wedding between Braxton Sutter and Laurel Van Ness.
— Mathews welcomes us to the show in the arena as Cody Rhodes makes his entrance with Brandi. Of course, they’re still referring to him as just “Cody” but introduced the couple as “Cody and Brandi Rhodes,” which is a smart way to do it. Mathews show highlights of Moose and Brandi beating Decay last week.
Cody is wearing a suit and thanks the fans. Mathews called Cody, “The American Nightmare.” Cody said his experience at Impact last time was cut short by Lashley. Cody said tonight isn’t about Lashley. Cody said that he’s there tonight because of Brandi.
“Or, as I here in some circles, now being referred to as Mini-Moose,” Cody said. “Let’s keep the party rolling. Everyone knows who we are talking about. This job it takes you away from your loved ones a lot, and in my absence, the man who stood up to Decay with you, I want to thank him personally, so please get him out here right now, give me Moose!”
Moose enters and Brandi is doing the Moose fist-pump to his music as Cody looks a little annoyed.
“Moose,” said Cody, “from myself, from my wife, from my brother, my sister, my mother, you are one of us. Thank you, very much.”
Moose told Cody that he told Brandi that Cody has his number, and if they ever need him, he has their back. Cody smirked and asked Brandi, “You have his number?”
Moose told Cody he’s taking it the wrong way. Cody put up his hand for Moose to stop talking. Cody said it’s wrestling business relationship 101. He said that Cody is gone, Moose and Brandi are training together and working together, so what’s next? They’re sleeping together?
Moose said Cody has it wrong. He was on the other side of the world, and Decay was messing with Brandi and he did what he had to do as a friend. Cody said Moose isn’t a friend, he’s a slut.
Brandi interjected and asked if this was all a joke? Because she knows her husband wouldn’t do this to her. Cody said it was a joke and then mockingly laughed. Cody said that the joke was perhaps in bad taste, but he was joking. Moose and Cody shake hands and then Cody kicks him straight in the nuts.
Cody took off his jacket and jumped Moose, throwing right hands and kicks. Brandi is screaming at Cody to stop. Cody screamed back, “it’s a joke, right?” Cody then hit a Cross Rhodes on Moose. Brandi checked on Moose and slapped Cody’s hand away as he did a gun gesture. Cody screamed, “get out of my house!” at Moose and then grabbed Brandi’s arm. Brandi stared as Cody but did walk out with him, but Brandi kept turning around to look at Moose as Impact officials went to check on him.
— Back from the break, Cody and Brandi are walking out backstage. Cody screamed at the cameraman to get away from his wife, and then yelled, “what do you think happened?!”
— A video hyping the Eli Drake vs. Tyrus matched aired.
(1) TYRUS vs. ELI DRAKE
Shortly after the match began, Drake grabbed a mic on the outside and said that they needed to re-think some things. Drake said they’re both businessmen. Drake said that Tyrus knows what the right thing to do is, and Drake poked Tyrus’ chest, insinuating that he wanted him to lay down. Tyrus didn’t fall, and then Tyrus poked Drake, who said Tyrus doesn’t understand how this works. Drake said he knew Tyrus was too stupid to understand, and the match continued. Drake them laid out Earl Hebner, causing a disqualification.
WINNER: Tyrus via disqualification in 3:00.
After the match, Tyrus grabbed Drake’s neck and started choking him. Drake screamed that he had Tyrus’ raise, and then wanted to shake on it. Tyrus asked if Drake thought all it took was a raise and he would shake his hand? Tyrus said he wouldn’t shake Drake’s hand, but he would give him a hug. Drake and Tyrus then hug it out as Drake’s music plays.
— Backstage, Maria told Sienna to help her make Laurel’s day perfect. Sienna and Maria drool over Laurel’s dress, which she said “daddy” had sent over from Italy. Maria said she was proud of Laurel for being tall and beautiful. Maria asked where Allie was? Maria said Allie is the ring bearer. Sienna said she would text Allie right now.
— Back teleports back from Egypt, and he’s inside a gold boat. Matt said he possess characteristics of his first vessel. Matt said he was called the King in Gold when he was first created in the year 780. Matt said the boat is no longer depilated, it is now a Golden Ark, and it will house all of the tag team titles they win across all of space and time. Jeff said wherever they are teleporting, they will procure their tag-team gold. “Procure! Procure! Procure!”
— Jade was in the ring and said the war between her and Rosemary is far from over. Jade said that they went through hell in Monster’s Ball, and she’s still there. Jade called out Rosemary.
As Rosemary made her entrance, Pope again insinuated that there might be a change coming to the announce booth. Josh shot back that he “dared anyone to do this job better than he can!” and Pope said, “that just might happen.”
Rosemary said that Jade should be trying to save herself instead of the Knockouts Division. Rosemary said the division is waiting for its decay. Rosemary said that they are finished with Jade, but Jade said she isn’t finished with Rosemary. Jade said it must piss off that Rosemary that she’s still there. Jade then challenged Rosemary to one more match for the Knockouts Title, in a Last Knockout Standing match. Rosemary accepted, and Jade said the belt is coming home with her.
— Braxton Sutter seems like he’s trying to call Allie as he calls to himself. Mike Bennett walks in and asks Braxton if he’s ready for the big day? Braxton said he’s not, because this is a lot to handle. Bennett said that marriage can be tough, it’s a process. Bennett said that you need to admit when you’re wrong, and then whispered that “she never admits when she’s wrong.” And, Bennett said you have to share everything, “even though she doesn’t share anything with you.”
Sutter said this has everything to do with Allie. Bennett said that tonight is about Sutter and Laurel. Bennett said that when things get tough for him, he tries drinking champagne, apparently.
— In the arena, the D.C.C. makes their ring entrance.
(2) BRAM vs. JESSE GODDERZ
Right as the match begins, Kingston jumped up on the apron and Godderz ran him off. Pope said there are a lot of changes coming, and Mathews again exploded, asking where he’s getting his information from? With the referee’s back turned, Kingston pulls Godderz off the apron which allowed Bram to land a kick. THe match is now on the outside, with Bram beating up Godderz. Pope again gave Mathews a hard time about being up “Schitt’s Creek” and Mathews said he didn’t understand what Pope was talking about. Mathews demanded to know what Pope heard about him. Godderz locks on an Adonis Crab. Kingston tried to push the bottom rope to Bram but Godderz pulled him back to the middle of the ring. Kingston gets up on the apron and Godderz slingshots Bram into Kingston and then pinned Bram for the win.
WINNER: Jesse Godderz in 4:00.
After the match, Godderz tossed Bram out of the ring and then took out Kingston before running off. Godderz said “that’s two,” as he watched his back for James Storm.
— Matt and Jeff teleport to an Indy locker room. They are approached by the Mid-Atlantic Outlaws, who said they are the No. 1 contenders there, not the champions. Matt said that Matt and Jeff must have a No. 1 contender match right now. A wrestler said that the tag team champions haven’t been beaten in 12 years. The wrestler begs the Mid-Atlantic Outlaws to give the Hardys a chance, because they can be their ticket out of there, and the Outlaws agree.
— Allie walked into Laurel’s dressing room and said she didn’t want to be there. Maria said Allie is heartbroken, but too bad. Maria said Allie will hand Braxton and Laurel their wedding bands, and Braxton and Laurel will be together forever. Allie said she needed to go. Laurel told Allie to get a hotel room, because she had a marriage to consummate.
Allie walked out of the room and ran into Braxton. She asked Braxton if he really wanted to do this? He said that she didn’t understand and he had to. Allie said he didn’t, and ran off.
— The Hardys run into the tag team champions. A brawl breaks out around them as they stare down the champions. Matt and Jeff said they would see the champions on the battlefield.
The champions said that tonight, it’s a shoot. Matt and Jeff said they must win the Mid-Atlantic Tag Team Titles.
(3) MATT HARDY & JEFF HARDY vs. MATHIS & RAGE — Mid-Atlantic Tag Team Title match
Like last week, the full match isn’t shown but rather highlights to a music. During the match, Jeff puts one of the champions in a garbage container and rolls him down steps in the back. Jeff later his a Swanton Bomb for the win.
WINNERS: Matt & Jeff Hardy
After the match, Matt and Jeff celebrate as the crowd and other members of the Mid-Atlantic roster do the delete chant. Matt and Jeff then suddenly disappear from the ring as the other wrestlers seem confused. Matt and Jeff re-appear in the Dome of Deletion and add more titles to the Golden Ark. As they put the titles in the ark, smoke flies out from the boat.
— A video airs on Josh Barnett, explaining his background.
— Lashley makes his ring entrance with someone named “Bad Bones” in the ring.
(4) JOSH BARNETT vs. BAD BONES
Mathews said that Bad Bones is from Germany. Lashley is on commentary, and said he has trained with Josh for years. Barnett is using a style that looks a lot like MMA as he shot for a single-leg takedown. After a chop, Barnett fired quick strikes and kicks on Bad Bones. Barnett tosses Bad Bones to the outside. Bones rakes Barnett’s eyes and then choke him on the rope. Barnett blocks a suplex and hits a gut-wrench suplex of his own. Barnett then hit a messy powerbomb on Bones. Barnett picked him up for a Northern Lights Suplex and then tapped out Bones with a key lock.
WINNER: Josh Barnett in 3:00.
After the match, Lashley stood up and sort of mockingly clapped as Barnett pointed at him. Lashley predicted he would whoop Barnett’s ass.
(5) TREVOR LEE vs. D.J. Z — X-Division Title match
D.J. Z jumps over the top for a dive before the bell even rings. Mathews said the X Division is about no limits. D.J. Z rolls Lee into the ring and the bell finally rings. Lee kicks D.J. Z off the apron. Mathews again goes on a tangent about Pope’s prediction of changes coming to Impact. Lee gets on top of D.J. Z and throws multiple right forearms. Lee tried for a German but D.J. Z rolled Lee up for a two count. Lee throws a huge knee at D.J. Z and D.J. Z pops back up for a kick, essentially no-selling the brutal knee. D.J. Z connects with a jaw breaker and hits a reverse hurricanrana. Helms tried to interfere but D.J. Z kicks him off. That threw off D.J. Z’s timing, however, and Lee rolled him up and grabbed a handful of tights for the win.
WINNER: Trevor Lee retains in 5:00.
After the match, D.J. Z attacks Helms. Lee then dropped D.J. Z with another knee. The knee that D.J. Z no-sold moments ago now has him completely knocked out cold. Lee was going to Pilmanize D.J. Z’s ankle, but Andrew Everett attacked Trevor Lee to make the save.
— Backstage, Maria asked Sutter if he’s ready? Maria reminded Braxton why he’s doing this. Sutter said he needs no reminder, this is the only thing he has thought about for weeks. Sutter said this has spiraled out of control and needs to stop. Maria said that if Sutter doesn’t marry Laurel, he knows what will happen. Maria asked if she was clear? Sutter begrudgingly said “yes.”
— It’s time for the wedding.
Mike Bennett and Braxton Sutter walk to the ring as Bennett is double-fisting champagne. The ring ropes have been removed and the ring is now an altar? I guess.
Spud and Aron Rex make their ring entrance and they’re apparently the flower boys, as they drop pedals as they walk to the ring. Rex is wearing his full ring gear and a white fur coat. Sienna and Maria, the bridal party, then enter.
— Back from the break, Laurel enters the arena. Pope starts to cry.
Maria takes the mic and introduced herself. She said that tonight, she brings us the greatest wedding (except for hers) of all-time. But first, she needs the ring-bearer. Maria then yelled for Allie to come out right now. Allie enters with music and in her dress. Sutter’s eyes pop out of his head as he looks at how good Allie looks in her dress. Allie is wearing the same dress as Sienna and Maria.
Maria told the guy to begin the ceremony. The crowd chants “just say no!” as Laurel reads her vows. Laurel said her daddy always knew she would marry rich, and Braxton isn’t rich, but that’s OK because she is. Laurel promised to love Braxton and buy him a new wardrobe of “less middle-class clothes.”
Sutter said that he forgot to write his vows, so maybe they could just get to the next part of the circus. The officiator asked if anyone in attendance felt like these two should not be wed. The crowd goes nuts at this point and Allie looks like she was about to say something. Maria yelled that we weren’t doing that part of the ceremony.
Allie tripped as she brought the rings over and dropped them. Maria screamed that Allie is so stupid. The crowd is chanting for Allie. Laurel said “I do!” to the marriage question thing part of the ceremony (you know what I mean). Sutter, when asked, looked over at Allie. Laurel demanded he say, “I do,” and Sutter just looked around. The crowd was chanting “just say no!” and Sutter finally said “I’m really sorry, but I don’t.” The crowd popped huge. Rex gasped. Laurel looks angry, and Sutter said he doesn’t take Laurel to be his anything. Sutter said he can’t stand being around Laurel. Sutter said there is a guy out there for her to make completely miserable, but today’s not the day and he’s not the guy.
Sutter said he can’t marry Laurel because he’s in love with someone else. The crowd is going wild (seriously) chanting for Allie. Sutter said he has always been, and always will be, in love with Allie. He said he’s sorry he never told her before, but he loves Allie.
Maria screamed that he knows what Maria told him. Sutter said he has had enough. Sutter said he Maria told him to start dating Laurel. Sutter said Maria said if he didn’t, she would fire Allie and Sutter would never see her again.
Maria said that someone put his big-boy pants on today, and someone thinks he’s a big tough wrestler. Maria said there was something she could do about it. Maria looked at Allie and screamed, “you’re fired!” Allie said she can’t fire her, because she quits. Sienna grabbed Allie and Maria went to slap her. Sutter grabbed Maria and Bennett grabbed Sutter, but Sutter dropped Bennett. Allie went after Maria. Brooke and Robbie E run down to join the brawl. Laurel is sitting near the mic just drinking champagne. When the smoke cleared, Sutter kissed Allie in the middle of the ring.
Mathews said there would be no honeymoon for Laurel, and Pope said that Mathews’ honeymoon on Impact was about to end. Mathews said he was out of there and walked off as the show went off the air.