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by Pat McNeill, PWTorch Columnist
Don’t forget to join Greg Parks and myself on PWTorchLivecast.com immediately following “Extreme Rules”.
Remember, you can talk about tonight’s “Extreme Rules” Kickoff Show on social media by using the hashtag #HolyCrapItsDavidOtunga
In a shocking development, Renee Young picks Dean Ambrose to defeat The Miz tonight. Sam Roberts disagrees.
I’m working on a script for a WWE Studios children’s movie. It’s called “Bayleyrella”. Alexa Bliss & Carmella play the evil stepsisters.
For expert analysis on the women’s title match, we go to someone who is 0-0 in kendo stick matches, Nia Jax.
Nia says after she wins the Women’s Title, nobody will want it back. Why? Is she going to let Paige take pictures with it?
Oh, good. More video packages.
Renee asks Roberts how the fans feel about the Cruiserweight match. Sam does not say he’ll hear back from them during halftime.
It’s a good thing Noam Dar and Alicia Fox started dating. Otherwise, “205 Live” wouldn’t have any storylines.
Mark your calendar. This was the night David Otunga compared Noam Dar to T.I.
Charley Caruso is standing by in the Social Media Center with Brother Nero & Balding, I Mean, Broken Matt.
The Hardy Boys plan to send a message to Sheamus & Cesaro tonight. I think that message is “It’s a work, guys”.
Time for Kalisto vs. Apollo Crews. You know, to bring the crowd down after the blistering pace of this Kickoff Show.
Booker doesn’t know where Corey Graves gets his information. Usually, it’s from Vince screaming over Corey’s IFB.
The announcer jokes are so inside during this match that Bryce Harper just charged the mound.
This reminds me of when Kalisto and Apollo Crews used to wrestle in Evolve. Except slower.
Kalisto wins with Salida Del Sol. Titus had enough time to make a sandwich while waiting for Kalisto to knock him off the apron.
(If someone wants to point that I occasionally missed my mark while I was a manager, they’d be right. But I was working fire halls and middle school gyms, not the Baltimore Arena.)
And it’s our final video package. Hellfire! Hellfire! Ready to burn.
Kurt Angle tells us this match will have a huge effect on the New Era. Will it be ALL the New Era caps, or just the snapbacks?
Angle remembers the name of the July pay-per-view, but doesn’t remember the name of the August show. I love this company.
Time for the main show. You unauthorized viewers need to hit the bricks. Scram already!
Nothing against Banks Courtney or Banks Elizabeth or whoever this band is, but they should have used “Thunderkiss ’65” as the theme for tonight’s show.
Tonight’s main show begins with a match where the title can change hands by DQ. THIS IS EXTREEEEME!
Michael Cole explains that Miz and Ambrose began their rivalry on Smackdown, and when they came to Raw, creative had nothing (new) for them.
Dean Ambrose says he’s not a brand. A piece of his wrist tape from three years ago says otherwise.
Dean Ambrose vs. The Miz for the WWE Intercontinental Title. Cole tells us this is Miz’s 92nd pay-per-view match. Good Lord, I’ve wasted my life.
Ambrose throws Miz into the German announce table. Fortunately, Hans Gruber and Werner Klemperer escape unharmed.
(Hey, if I work a Larry Storch mention into this column, I could win Obscure Reference Bingo.)
I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but if Dean Ambrose gets disqualified here, Miz wins the title.
Both wrestlers end up outside the ring, and are briefly confused by the crowd counting “Ten” over and over.
We have suspense here. Miz has Ambrose in the center of the ring, and is applying the figure-four leglock(-ish).
Dueling chants. What? You people are too good to chant “Both these guys”?
By the way, classy move by WWE, having the announcers give get well wishes to Harley Race.
We can hear Miz call for Maryse to slap him, and she slaps him. Nice. Miz rams Ambrose into the ref, then hits his finisher while Ambrose is pleading to the referee not to disqualify him.
Miz wins the title. The Honkytonk Man’s record is safe. Pop the champagne, Wayne! Good match, convoluted finish.
American Grit returns to FOX. What a game changer.
Charley Caruso interviews Bayley. Mrs. McNeill rolls her eyes when she hears “kendo stick on a pole” match. I saw that!
Rich Swann & Sasha Banks vs. Noam Dar & Alicia Fox, in the prestigious second match spot.
Now let’s meet our Spanish announce team, Don Diego De La Vega and Inigo Montoya!
As a middle-aged TV fan, I appreciate Alicia Fox wearing Pamela Hensley’s old outfit from “Buck Rogers In The 25th Century”.
Rich Swann becomes the first WWE wrestler in fifteen years to win a match in his hometown. Congratulations!
Elias Samson is out to sing us a little song about Baltimore. There’s an awkward moment when he can’t think of a word that rhymes with “filth”.
You know, if WWE books Elias as a musical act next year at WrestleMania, they’ll actually get the desired fan reaction.
Women’s Title time. Join us next month, when Bayley and Alexa square off in a “Good Housekeeping” match.
And now, let’s meet our Japanese announce team of Kesuke Miyagi, Sho Funaki and Godzilla.
For the record, the William Hill line on “Number of Unintentionally Hilarious Lines by Booker T” during this match is 3.5.
I don’t know exactly what Booker said right there, but that was number one.
“Alexa Bliss is just letting it all hang out with that stick!” Yeah, this is looking like a lock for the over.
Well, that ended quickly. Alexa Bliss is still your champion.
WWE reminds us that this month’s real pay-per-view takes place in two weeks.
Steel cage time. Matt and Jeff and Cesaro and Sheamus. The only way to win is by escaping the cage.
Cesaro climbs the cage. The Hardys let him go and then beat up Sheamus two-on-one for the next ten minutes. (Just kidding.)
Tune in to Raw tomorrow, when Bayley gets traded to Smackdown for Eva Marie. (Hmmm. Actually…)
Thanks to Booker, I now know Cesaro has the strength of…someone like Cesaro.
The Hardys are the first team to figure out they should both leave the cage at the same time. That’s why they’re the champs.
(Okay, Sheamus and Cesaro did it first. I forgot.)
The Euros hit a double team splash mountain on Matt. Okay, that was cool.
Jeff Hardy goes back up and hits a senton from the top of the cage. What were the odds?
The Euros go out over the top while Matt tries to drag Jeff out the cage door. Jeff may be out first, but his feet don’t hit the floor first.
Sheamus & Cesaro are your NEW WWE Tag Team Fence Climbing Champions Of The World!
Two more matches to go. This means Neville and Aries are going to get some serious time for their submission bout.
Apparently there’s a section facing the hard camera that has string beans on them. I’ll bet Austin Aries likes string beans.
The Purple King vs. A Double. The story here is Austin trying to lock in a submission move early and Neville slipping out.
Aries tweaks the bad knee. Neville works the bad knee. The best part? Aries remembered to tape up the bad knee before the match. Attention to detail.
If anyone can explain why the referee is counting guys outside the ring during the submission match, please send Michael Cole a tweet.
Booker tells us that some times, a man just has to say “I quit”. That was inspirational.
Wait. Neville can STILL get disqualified during a submission match? Then why is this a submission match again?
Aries makes Neville tap, but they’re outside the ring. Doesn’t count. Aries goes for a suicide dive. OF COURSE the referee counts.
Neville hits the Red Arrow and the Rings of Saturn for the win. Okay. Whatever.
The heels are 4 for 6 tonight. Maybe Seth Rollins WILL win the main event.
Sadly, the commercial for “WWE Great Balls Of Fire” does NOT feature Mr. McMahon playing the piano like Jerry Lee Lewis.
Time for the main event. Finn Balor vs. Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Samoa Joe. There’s a bunch of angry guys in Roman Reigns’ yard.
Bray just did a flip bump after Balor dropkicked him in the shoulder. This is extreme!
Reigns attempts a drive-by and gets T-boned by Samoa Joe. Bray and Joe trade smiles at the injury to Reigns, then form the Samoa Wyatt Ring Steps Delivery Company.
This is Baltimore. The fans cheer for violence. Joe and Bray know they’ll have to stop working together at some point, but they’re having so much fun beating up Finn Balor that they don’t want to.
Roman Reigns gets back into the fray. The crowd boos until Wyatt gives Roman a uranage on the announce table.
We now enter the “everyone hits his finisher” portion of the match. Please stand by.
Now Finn Balor has the chair. Remind me why anyone would put down a steel chair in a no disqualification match?
Joe gets Balor in the coquina clutch at ringside. Until Reigns spears both of them through a barricade. Nobody’s booing Roman NOW. Rollins hurts himself putting Bray through a table.
Now we have dueling chants again. Will the winner be “Let’s Go, Rollins!” or “Ro-man Sucks”?
Reigns and Rollins do the same sequence that led to the finish on Raw, but Finn Balor interrupts them. Balor hits the Coup De Grace on Reigns, and Joe makes Balor tap with the Coquina Clutch. It’ll be Brock Lesnar vs. Samoa Joe in five weeks!
Joe celebrates by…looking angry.
Okay, that’s a wrap. I’ll be joining Greg Parks over on PWTorchLivecast.com, and the Roundtable show will be up for VIP members after we’re done. Good night, everybody!