1/3 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Rusev at gay bar to see drag show says he is a fan of his butt, is Lana interested in girls, Nia Jax meets a guy not named Enzo

TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 7
JANUARY 3, 2018
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR

It’s a two-part Summerslam episode. I assume part two is next week. So, this one will be about Alexa Bliss’s relationship, and Carmella will fight with Lana, and then a dumb obligatory Bella twins story – because how else would they be relevant? Yes, I could handle the rest of Total Divas for all of time without the Bella Twins. They don’t make the show interesting.

The show opens with Nia Jax, Charly Caruso, and R-Truth backstage where Nia is getting dating advice as if she’s just stepped out of a pod. We segue to a different make-up area elsewhere, where Nattie and Naomi are being made up. Nattie is going to face Naomi at Summerslam. The purpose of this was apparently to show a picture of Lana kissing Naomi, because none of us learned the lesson of this storyline that time that Roza did it with Paige like four seasons ago.

Do I remotely think Naomi is a secret lesbian? No, of course not, but buckle up because this is the retread of Total Divas plots. Evidently women kiss each other… whatever, the guys wander off. Then we discover that Lana asked to work a house show, implying that Carmella is now no longer booked to appear on that house show… because god forbid a house show have two women’s matches despite there being a division? Anyway, on this episode Lana will presumably feud with Carmella. Footage airs of a match between Natalya and Becky Lynch. Lana is backstage taking digs at Nattie’s “acting.”

The opening segment continues with the Bellas. Yes, ugh, I know. Nikki says “boobies” repeatedly. That was unnecessary. In the mean time, the performers who actually appear on Smackdown are in a limo en route to (I assume a show). While I’m not into this storyline with Lana taking digs at Nattie for acting, considering how atrocious she is in the ring, Nattie is definitely not the master of lies when she let’s out a whopper of a backhanded compliment regarding something that Lana wore on Smackdown. Anyway, between Nattie, Naomi, Lana, and Carmella, none of them figure out that the real person to blame for the presumption that Lana getting on a house show bumping Carmella off it is Michael Hayes. So, they snipe. And commercial.

Miz and Nia Jax meet at a restaurant to discuss Nia’s love life. Evidently there’s a party for women who want to date firemen. Nia Jax asks Maryse if she’s ever milked a cow. Typical vegetarian answer: no, of course not. Elsewhere, the viewers are introduced to Buddy Murphy, to whom Alexa Bliss is engaged. I’m sure this is disappointing news to some teenage boy. Based on their schedules, they see each other like once a week, you know, because WWE is such a progressive company that they separate couples for the good of the bottom line. Now, for anyone who doesn’t watch NXT, you learn that Buddy Murphy is from Australia, and because he’s rehabbing an injury there’s a chance he’ll be fired by WWE – because they’re such a progressive company. I hope everyone understands sarcasm. They’re discussing the premise of a green card visa. Wow, WWE.

Moving along, Nattie, Lana, and Rusev are training. Lana pretends to flirt with Nattie to make Rusev jealous. We get another round of Nattie vs. Lana over Nattie’s promos. Maryse, Alexa, and Nia are in a car en route to (who knows) where they discuss the fireman’s ball; they have terrible firefighter puns. Okay, they’re at the firefighter ball. The first guy has Nia hold his drink. The second guy isn’t tall enough. Let’s just say this is not going fantastic. Commercial.

After commercial, Nia meets Jonathan, she likes him, they exchange numbers. Maryse wants to do a “Sex in the City” party. I guess we barely remember the prom episode that Naomi and Lana argued for. There’s a photo shoot for like ten segments. Nattie and Lana are fighting over the house show match again. Nattie is on this bit about being unable to cut promos again. Lana is in her head.

Lana’s doing a “Muscle & Fitness” photo shoot. Rusev wants to know if Lana is attracted to girls. Maybe they should have discussed this and many other things before the wedding… Next up, it’s the clip from YouTube where Alexa Bliss, Buddy Murphy, and Nia discuss the engagement / wedding / visa situation. I like Nia, but like, you can’t force people to get married or plan a wedding. Yes, this is a budding girl fight.

Nia and Alexa were supposed to go shopping together for Maryse’s theme party. Alexa doesn’t show up, so, Nia goes it alone until the Bellas show up. Nikki is going to buy everyone purses. Evidently Nikki has an appearance for WWE regarding Summerslam weekend – where she didn’t perform. Brie wasn’t booked for the same appearance. Nikki brings up her fictional super-important comeback that everyone on earth cared deeply about. Again, I hope we understand sarcasm. Anyway, maybe Brie will go shopping with Nia to help her get an outfit for this party Maryse is throwing? Time passes. Lana waves at some fans. Then Nikki meets up with Nattie and Alexa. Nia shows up. She and Alexa go off to have a glass of wine, and, of course, commercial.

Nia and Alexa make up. Everyone gets on a bus and they’re going to go see a drag show at a gay bar. There’s discussion of boobs. Rusev declares “I am not needed here.” Rusev has an awkward conversation with a lesbian patron about Lana flirting with girls. Rusev tries to hook Lana up with this woman, her face is blurred. The situation resolves itself when Lana tells Rusev she loves him and kisses him on the lips. In the mean time, a drag queen (who looks a lot like Divine, but with green hair) mimics the act of licking Rusev and then wanders on stage; inevitably Rusev doesn’t understand that he’s been publicly invited backstage.

Lana explains that our green haired Divine likes Rusev’s butt, to which Rusev proclaims “I like my butt too.” Because Rusev. Then there’s drinking and smiling. In the meantime, Lana drags Carmella outside to try to crush the notion that she got Carmella kicked off the house show, as if, again, it isn’t really Michael Hayes’s fault – which it is. The apology / explanation is not going well. Anyway, they don’t hug it out and the “to be continued” screen appears. I assure you, no matter what the actual resolution, it’s still Michael Hayes’s fault.

Teasers for next week: Nattie and Naomi will have the match, Nia will bring her firefighter to Maryse’s Sex in the City party, and one-third of the show will be devoted to the Bella Twins as per the usual.

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 12/20 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Natalya and Lana’s feud ratchets up, Miz gets vegetarian Maryse to eat a bite of meat, Brie laments losing abs in front of Nia Jax