SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 7
DECEMBER 20, 2017
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
So, back in Cabo, Lana pounds on Nattie’s door, gets in the room, gets kicked out. They show a montage of Nattie and Lana bickering, and everything else they did in the last episode… and we transition into Lana waking up the next morning.
So, Nattie and Nikki have to go retrieve Lana’s phone and bag from down on the beach (evidently Nattie didn’t shot-put that into the ocean, sorry Anvil). Nattie doesn’t really apologize. It’s a dick move. It’s not Nattie’s first dick move. For some reason, Lana apologizes to Nattie. Honestly, if not for the premise of this show, Lana should just act like Nattie doesn’t exist. And, yes, Lana is a bit neurotic.
Moving on, the Cabo participants shake their asses on a boat, so, if anyone was looking to masturbate, you know six minutes in if that’s your thing. Lana cliff dives. Nattie acts very scared for her. Oh, and then Nattie finally apologizes, and they hug. We had a cliffhanger for that??? And then to add insult to injury – Nikki Bella narrates the moment. Okay, most of them jump in the water. Alexa Bliss has to leave the trip to go the Raw.
The remaining Smackdown women and the Bellas discuss their lack of romance. Nattie thinks that Trin and Jon should roleplay. This is a terrible idea. Brie Bella wet blankets the moment, and then further wet blankets the moment facetiming with Bryan and the baby while everyone is conveniently at lunch on camera. Brie, who planned this trip, is sad that she’s not with her baby. Then she should have stayed at home with her baby. Am I really supposed to feel sad for the rich lady who flew all the way to Cabo to get stupid drunk? Seriously, do you think I don’t remember the purpose of this trip, y’all? Commercial.
In Pittsburgh, Pa., R-Truth is ironing. Miz and Maryse are in catering. Maryse has a cookie. She’s a vegetarian. An annoying vegetarian harassing a non-vegetarian about the thing that tigers and raccoons and owls don’t do. Just sayin’, run that vegetables don’t have a heartbeat shit by owls and see how that goes. So, ugh, Bella twins segment. Brie has a surprise for Nikki, it’s Mexican stereotypes – flamenco dancer, fire juggling, mariachi band. Yup, Nikki is wearing a sombrero. For some reason these women are complimenting John Cena on finally coming around to marriage, as if that’s really an accomplishment and not just really sad for a grown man.
Back to the Miz and Maryse, Maryse is dragging Miz to a farm to try to convert him into being a vegetarian… as if crop farming has no environmental impact? Almonds, anyone? What, no, don’t wanna talk about that. So, Maryse gets her own veggies. There’s a steer. Evidently we’re supposed to think it’s beautiful instead of a future steak. Here the Miz and Maryse make their bet about the Miz going vegetarian for a week. They shake on it.
Brie and Bryan are pushing a stroller into a restaurant. Of course they have the baby. We’re supposed to care about Brie’s career. Yes, seriously. I don’t care if she can balance a career and a daughter. Evidently, Brie thinks that people want to see her do Daniel Bryan’s moves. I don’t. Meanwhile, Trin and Jon go to a costume store. I think we could find another way to devote some segments to them without roleplaying. Shit, I’d rather see Trinity vacuum every third segment than anything involving the Bellas.
Anyway, they try on costumes. Jon starts off as Shakespeare and it devolves quickly into a pimp outfit. Trin isn’t into it. Moving along, Miz and Maryse go to a restaurant. Will Maryse eat one bite of meat? Shouldn’t she eat the whole damned thing, since the whole cow died for that? Miz gets a big juicy cut of meat. He tries the airplane technique with the meat on a fork, Maryse is having none of it. Miz finally goads Maryse into eating a bite of meat by suggesting how many animals could be saved if he converted to vegetarianism. Back from break, Maryse eats the bit of meat. Miz looks quite surprised. Miz apparently thought that Maryse wouldn’t do it. So, Miz eats his last steak for a week.
For some reason we are expected to watch the Bella twins play soccer with kids. I would rather watch Trinity water a plant. I guess in miracles news, Nikki didn’t wear high heels like an idiot, so, I guess progress. Oh Christ, Brie Bella really is wearing see-thru black leggings. Now, back to Jon and Trin. They’re apparently having a role playing date. So, Jon has to pretend like he’s trying to pick up Trinity. There’s a Bill Clinton joke, and then oysters. Trin then has to try to pick up Jon, the bartender looks mortified. They definitely shouldn’t take relationship suggestions from Nattie. No one should. Ever.
Back at the bar, Trin and Jon realize they’re trying to fix something that isn’t broken. So, it’s all good. Oh, now it’s time for more pity party for Brie Bella, this time with the segment with Nia Jax somewhere in the desert. The full segment is on YouTube. We get halfway through it and commercial.
So, OMG, you guys, Brie Bella is a MOM! And she’s sad about her abs, you know, in front of Nia Jax, the plus-sized one. It’s an asshole move. Nia is very supportive here. I’m not looking forward to a Brie Bella comeback. Evidently they’re at a nude beach. Anyway, back with Miz and Maryse. Miz has sliced up a yellow watermelon for Maryse. Maryse brought Miz a cheeseburger. Carnivores and omnivores know this is a trap. There’s no way it’s a real cheeseburger, particularly since Maryse takes a big bite of it. Commercial.
And then it’s revealed that the burger is some soy concoction filled with chemical additives to make it taste like something besides bean curd. Try to tell me that doesn’t sound like Soylent Green. Okay, that reference was way dated for a lot of you kids. Anyway, a diet that teaches you to flavorize bean curd (that’s what tofu is) as a substitution to eating real food is problematic for some people, since tofu contains chemicals that mimic hormones, and that can really screw some people up. That’s probably why no other animal in the food chain from owls to slugs to cats eats that crap. But anyway, Miz doesn’t know that, so, if you can flavorize tofu, then maybe he’ll eat “vegetarian.” The conclusion is that Maryse has won…
Ugh, Bella twins segment. Shameless Birdie Bee plug. You know, because their underwear / t-shirt line is a pale imitation of every other underwear / t-shirt line that has existed for 30 years. Brie Bella says some bullshit about being empowered… you know, by the people who funded their clothing line because they’re D-level celebrities, not people who had to go to banks and get loans. So, the talk about being a Mom and having it all rings hollow when so many steps that most people have to go through have been skipped. But hey, the Bellas closed the show that they executive produce, so, empowerment, right? LOL.
The show returns on Jan. 3. Will Nattie become women’s champ? Will Lana kiss a girl? Will Rusev be jealous? Of course. Lana and Carmella argue about something. Will Alexa’s boyfriend (who we have yet to meet) return to his native Australia? And I’m sure I forgot a Bella twins teaser, because how could there not have been one?
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 12/13 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Nattie and Lana go to war, is it a bachelorette party or engagement party, Alexa and Nikki get massages